The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1247 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

Erin came round and as we weren’t actually doing anything, I could hardly turn her away. I glanced at the contract she’d brought, I had to do a series of documentaries on different types of habitat, including the Great Barrier Reef, some tropical forest near Darwin and one on the wildlife of the Australian Outback.

“Why do they want me? I’d have thought there had to be some Aussie woman who could do it as well if not better than I?”

“I told ‘em you were the best and they were impressed by your dormouse film.”

“How can I do anything on the Barrier Reef, I’ve never scuba dived, nor intend to.”

“Don’t limit yourself like that, Cathy. You might really enjoy it.”

“Don’t I get a say in what I want to do with my life?”

“Of course you do.”

“So if I say I don’t want to be eaten by a great white while drowning off the coast of Australia, can you see some pattern emerging?”

“Yeah, you’re worried you might end up polluting the seas near the reef with your blood.”

“Actually if I knew there were great whites nearby, I might be secreting other body fluids.”

“Great whites aren’t that dangerous, I’m sure much of it is mythology.”

“They’re pretty dumb creatures who can’t tell a scuba diving human from an elephant seal, which is thought to be why they attack.”

“Maybe they should have gone to Specsavers?” offered Stella, which cracked the kids up.

“Why do they attack surfers?” asked Erin.

“Presumably because they look like or sound like injured fish or mammals and the sharks come by for an easy feed.”

“See, you could do a programme on the reef.”

“Only if you could guarantee a pod of killer whales as bodyguards, and not the one from Miami who drowns people for fun.”

“Killer whales, they sound vicious, Mummy?” said Trish sitting near me.

“No, apart from the couple of deaths which have occurred in captivity, I don’t think there’s any evidence to say that Orcas are dangerous to man–or woman for that matter, and they are known to hunt and kill sharks.”

“See, you do know something about the sea,” claimed Erin.

“Yeah, it’s wet and cold.”

“What about the Saggiosso Sea, Mummy, it’s full of sea weed and elvis.” Trish had this wonderful habit of reading so quickly she missed words or misread them.

“I think you might mean the Sargasso Sea, which is part of the mid-Atlantic, near a place called the Doldrums because of the lack of wind, and is also possibly part of the Bermuda Triangle. I suppose it’s possible that that’s where Elvis really is, but I think you might mean elvers, which are baby eels.”

“Is it true that all eels spawn there and then die?” Julie was awake.

“Not all, some die before they get there. But it’s commonly held that the Sargasso is where many eels spawn.”

“Ooh get you, brainbox,” Danny was gently prodding his sister.

“If ya got it, flaunt it,” said Julie and waggled her bum which had the other kids in hysterics,

“I don’t think you’re taking this job seriously, are you?” Erin said to me.

“No, I don’t want to do it.”

“What about if I get a revised offer.”

“To do dormice in the UK, yeah fine. I have nothing against Australia other than they tend to beat us in cycling races, but I don’t want to go there and leave half a dozen waifs and strays behind.”

“Does that include Simon?”

“Probably, the children are self-sufficient.” My mobile rang and I excused myself to answer it. “I thought I told you never to call me at work,” I said crossly to the caller.

“Work? Sorry, I assumed you were having a few days out,” I could hear the surprise and embarrassment in Jim’s voice.

“I am, I’ve always wanted to say that to someone.”

“Next time tell someone else, I nearly rang off and told you where to go.”

“It wasn’t Coventry, was it?”

“Good Lord, no. I don’t dislike you that much.”

“Oh good, I don’t like the Godiva range of clothing they do up there.”

“Maybe I will send you there...”

“Oh don’t,” I whined.

“Okay, they were seen in London yesterday using a cash machine in Camden Town.”

“Do they have ATMs there?”

“Yes, it’s not bloody Mayfair where people are too posh to use money.”

“What do we do now?”

“Sit and wait, without knowing where they might be we’d be wasting time and resources.”

“Didn’t Godrick buy some dilapidated place in London, near Greenwich?”

“Camden and Greenwich are nowhere near each other, they’re on opposites sides of the river to start with.”

“Oh, but they could be using tubes or buses to get about, couldn’t they?”

“Meaning?”

“Well, they could be staying in Greenwich and caught the bus to Camden Town, couldn’t they?”

“Why? It would take ages to cross that much of London without a cab.”

“Okay, maybe they used a cab.”

“Yeah and maybe they’re staying somewhere else, like Camden Town or Islington or even Regent’s Park.”

“Isn’t that all zoos and institutions?”

“Not all, there are people living there too, and they could have friends there.”

“In the zoo?”

“Tom might have, but I’m beginning to feel all your friends must be little pixies and fairies.”

“Why d’you say that?”

“Because you sound as if you’re having a serious problem with reality here.”

“Don’t you start, it’s bad enough listening to my children, they think I’m crazy.”

“They might just be right.”

“Don’t forget I’m paying your fees.”

“I won’t, don’t worry. I have to go and try a few more searches. I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

“Okay–Jim, have the police put out any sort of notice on Diana, yet?”

“A low key one. They still can’t believe she shot anyone.”

“I’m not so sure about that–surely they don’t think Tom did–do they?”

“Not that I’m aware, but I can’t say they’re telling me much at the moment.”

“But don’t you have this code of honour thing?”

“You’ve been watching too much poor detective films–we use each other, like gay liaisons, then disappear into the night.”

“Oh, I hope you don’t get shafted then.”

“Um–no, I’m definitely a top, not a bottom.”

“He was the weaver wasn’t he?”

“I wasn’t using a capital letter.”

“Sorry, I don’t understand.”

“You’re a grown woman, think about it–I have to go.”

I switched off my phone and mused over what Jim had said and what I’d said first. I was blushing furiously when Erin came out to say she had to go. She took the contract with her saying something about seeing if Rolf Harris was available before she disappeared in a cloud of expensive perfume.

Stella came out, “I wondered where you were.”

“Jim called, they’ve been seen in Camden Town.”

“Oh, so they are in London, then?”

“They were, they could be anywhere now. Stella, have you heard the expression top and bottom?”

“Yeah, it’s an old saying.”

“No a modern one about sex preferences?”

“Oh that, yeah, it’s about active and passive roles in gay men, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I suppose so. Jim just mentioned it and I hadn’t heard it before, it confused me for a moment.”

“Oh, I’d have thought it was pretty self explanatory.”

“It is now I think about it, I just hadn’t heard it before let alone thought about it.”

“Oh well you learn something new every day,” she said before breezing off to get something from her car.