Stuck in a Rut.
By Rosalie Redd

Casey Church is a normal 13 year old girl, full of hopes and dreams and fears and anxieties. But in a world where there hasn’t been a girl born in over a century, what is normal?

Chapter 12.

I got up ahead of the alarm, and got out of my pajamas. The events of last evening were racing through my head. I’m not a boy anymore, despite what appearances might say. Appearances. I walked over and looked at the full length mirror on the back of my door. Standing there naked, I looked at myself, more closely than I had before. I still looked mostly boyish, but I could see the girl peeking out. My small pointy nipples sticking up from my chest. I turned sideways and omg, how had I not even noticed that my butt was getting rounder. It was barely noticeable, but I was hyper-aware right now. I could see that my face was softening a little. I had had square, angular lines to my jaw and brow, but they were slightly softer. Everything else looked the same, and the doctor had measured the obvious things the day before.

My body still ached, so dad dropped me off at school before he headed to the office. I went into History and sat down, I noticed the girls were huddled around, and every now and then one would glance my direction. I took notice of them. I hadn’t really paid them much attention beyond the first day.

I noticed that of the four, one was hanging back. She was small, no more than maybe 5’2”, and very petite. She had on a long sleeve shirt, and a long skirt that was down to her ankles. Her black hair was hanging down in front of her face, she had obviously been growing it out since before her change. The ringleader appeared to be a girl with strawberry blonde hair and freckles. She was a little overweight, but not extremely. She was wearing baggy clothes that were not disguising the fact that she had curves and was on the big side, up top. The other two girls seemed kind of ordinary, nothing really noticeable about them both had brown hair and average builds for girls our age. One had blue eyes and the other had brown eyes under her glasses.

I paid attention to them as class went on, making sure to be more subtle than they were being. Something was obviously going on. I would have to ask Janie if she knew who any of them were.
After History, I made my way to the locker area. I was pleasantly pleased to see DeShaun come over.

“Hello!”, he said in a cheery voice. “Coming to the game tonight?”, He asked.

I nodded my affirmative, and he continued. “I don’t think it’s going to go that well, to be honest. Coach had to promote a couple kids from the 8th grade team. He also gave the starting positions to the kids that had been backing up the twins.”

I could hear the sadness in his voice, sure the twins had been jackasses to me, but nobody deserved what had happened to them. We said our goodbyes, and I headed to english class.

I was spacing out so hard that I almost missed the bell, ending class. I headed for the cafeteria, and met Janie in our usual place. DeShaun was also there, which was sort of surprising. I thought that they still had some sort of rivalry going on, with me as some sort of trophy.

“Erm, hello you two”, I said somewhat bewildered. “I thought you two didn’t like each other that much.”

DeShaun looked up at me. “Well, after you called us out the other day, we headed over to Jane’s place and talked it all out.”

Janie interrupted. “We are sorry, and we realized that it was really unfair of us to put you in the middle. You have all sorts of problems you need to focus on. We’ll try to not be one of them.” She looked at DeShaun and scowled. “Although I could have sworn that ‘don’t call me Jane’ was one of the things we talked about.”

DeShaun laughed. “Might have, I don’t know.”

Lunch went by, and I didn’t get a chance to talk to Janie about the girls. Fortunately, I would see her at study hall.

The day rolled on, and as I sat in biology class, I thought long and hard about my new life that was beginning. Miss Petri’s antics didn’t phase me as they had at first. And while I still thought she was hot, some of that luster was gone. That concerned me a lot, because if I was losing my attraction to girls, it meant I wouldn’t see Janie the same way. I was unsure about that, Was it permanent, or a function of my messed up hormones?

I had taken the pill this morning, after some difficulty. I know it had been prescribed to help me through my transition, but at the same time, it was a birth control pill. That hit me hard. I had spaced out at breakfast thinking about that fact. I pondered the possibilities that after I was finished, would I want to have sex with DeShaun? I was attracted to him, and I was starting to think it wasn’t just an after effect of the rut. He was plenty handsome. I felt that I wanted to get to know him better.
Would that be possible? After I transition, would I go out on dates with him? There were so many uncertainties, not the least of all was his family.

I got to study hall, and took my usual seat next to Janie. I mentioned the girls from first period, but she didn’t seem to know who they were either. We were all new to this ‘girl’ thing, and there was no handbook. My mom had told me that when she had been new t the whole thing, it had taken her quite a while to catch on. I found it strange that after the gender change, people were so vastly different. I sat and reflected on that.

Trying to be analytical, I could see the changes in Janie. As James, she had been rowdy, and girl crazy. She often got into minor tussles with other boys. Neither of us were jocks by any means, but we had played the usual park and rec sports, including baseball and basketball.

This new person, this Janie was much different than James. Sure she had fun when we played catch, but I could tell she had lost some of her excitement for athletics. She was more delicate. Of course, I don’t know how much of this was due to the change, or how much was Paul’s fault. She had gone from hyper extrovert to mild introvert. I knew her, and I didn’t at the same time. Would I be the same?

DeShaun met me at my locker after study hall, to walk me to home economics. He warned me that Brad and Pete had it in for me, that they blamed me for the death of the twins. As if I could spread the rut to them like a disease. Honestly, it had been what? 110 years or so since the rut first began. Still there were all sorts of idiots in the world that spread misinformation. Idiots like Paul’s Dad, who taught his son that women were weak, that men were superior. That you had to be macho and protect your manhood. That was the same crap that I was facing now.

Mom had been enlightened, she had played football, sure. But she knew what was important. Love.
What sort of woman will I be? Will I want a family? Will I still love DeShaun? Will I love Janie?

I sighed and shook my head, to try to clear my thoughts. Mrs. Beverly had her back to us, and was writing on the whiteboard. Something about cookies. I wasn’t really paying attention.

I saw DeShaun looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Without a word, he reached over and took my hand and held it gently, occasionally giving it a soft squeeze. Somewhere deep inside me, I melted, and my girlishness came closer to the surface. Was he my boyfriend now? I knew that the majority of rut-pairings often ended up in relationships. But I also knew about his family. We needed to talk. For now though, I was content.

Class ended all too soon. I made it through art, and mom picked me up and brought me home. I sat down on the couch and just kind of vegged out.

When mom came into the room next, I asked her something that keyed into all these thoughts. “Mom, when did you first recognize the female you? I have all these thoughts and feelings and emotions, but I don’t know what is what, and I am so confused...”

She looked at me with that loving smile she always got. “I really never had a ‘eurika!’ moment, but I think it might have been when I came to the realization that I didn’t have to be the strong, brave person I was as David. I could be Danielle, and still be strong, but I could allow myself to open up, to be vulnerable, and to let people see my softer side.” She tussled my hair and smiled. “that help at all?”

I nodded. “I think it does, at least a little bit.”

I got up, and headed upstairs to get dressed for the game. My body hadn’t changed enough that my male clothes no longer fit right, but I still felt the need to dress in baggy, at least for the moment. Maybe when I was complete, I could wear things that didn’t hide myself so completely, but I wasn’t there. I picked a pair of loose track pants and my new school hoodie.

Mom had agreed to pick up Janie, and to drop us off at the game. She gave me some money for refreshments, and maybe some fast food afterwards. We arrived at Janie’s door and she bounded out in a red plaid skirt and her own school hoodie. She had cute ankle socks on, and some red canvas high-tops. I got one look of her, and I knew that even with my chemically induced impotence, I loved this girl, and that she was hot. We arrived at the game, and staked out our seats. Janie offered to go to the concession stand for us, so I gave her my money, and requested a root beer and a hot dog with ketchup and mustard.

She arrived back a few minutes later and handed me my food. As we watched the pre-game festivities, I noticed that the ringleader from the stare-fest was on the sidelines, she was leading the cheerleaders in a cheer. I pointed her out to Janie, but she still didn’t know who the mystery girl was.
We listened to the band warm up, and I looked over at Janie. She had a spot of mustard on her cheek. I smiled to myself, and did what came naturally. Leaning over, I gave her a peck on the cheek, licking off the offending condiment. She blushed brightly and turned to me.

“What was that for?”, she asked.

I grinned. “Because I wanted to, certainly not because you had mustard on your face”, I said with a laugh.

She pouted, but it was a cute and sexy pout, one I could tell was also not serious. She reached over and took my hand in hers, and we sat there for a while, just watching. When DeShaun caught the game-winning last second touchdown, we both cheered, then we turned and kissed briefly. Things might not be so bad, I think… maybe?

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