Stuck in a Rut.
By Rosalie Redd

Casey Church is a normal 13 year old boy, full of hopes and dreams and fears and anxieties. But in a world where there hasn’t been a girl born in over a century, what is normal?

Chapter 10.

I lay on the bed, I was too distraught over the news yesterday to do much but think of the worst. My phone rang, but I barely looked at it. It couldn’t have been DeShaun, it just couldn’t have been. The irony didn’t escape me that it was Wednesday, thinking back on last week, and everything that happened that day. The day that literally changed my life forever. I got out of my pajamas and slipped on some boxers. Mom had gone out and bought me some. They were loose in some places, but mom insisted that when my figure started to change roomy boxers with drawstrings would be my underwear of choice.

I slipped on a cotton tee and as I did, I noticed that the hair on my arms was lighter. Had that changed yesterday, and I had not noticed.. or was this new? Thinking about it, I slipped the boxers back down and measured myself. Still 7”, and my balls seemed the same as last I examined them. I sighed and resumed dressing.

I scrambled down stairs, to see if there had been any news. I had slept in, and mom was gone. I remembered she had clients in the morning and early afternoon. Dad was off to the office, to continue working on his big case.

I shuffled over to the TV, nothing on about the dead students. My phone rang again. Janie was calling again, but I didn’t feel up to a conversation on the phone. I let it go to voice mail. As soon as it stopped ringing, there was a pounding on the door, and frantic doorbell ringing. I ran over and opened it, getting bowled over by a blur in a blue skirt and white tank top.

“OMGIthoughtyouweredeadIsawthenewsandIwassoscaredyouwereoneoftheboysthathadbeenkilled”, Janie said, as she loomed over me. I was flat on my back with her hovering over me on all fours.

She moved back and allowed me to get up, which I did very slowly and painfully. Once I was up, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a passionate kiss. I responded in kind. Janie reached for my hoodie’s zipper. I flinched and pulled back, gently grabbing her hand.

“No”, I said. “I want you to remember who I was and who I’m going to be. I don’t want you to see me in between, as I am now. I’m not him anymore, but I’m not her. I’m something in-between that’s broken and can’t even get it up for you anymore… no matter how much I want to.” I said that, and tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She held me closely, and then I heard the knocking on the door. Frantic knocking. Who else could it be? I unentangled myself from Janie and ran to the door. I opened it and when I saw who it was, I leaped into their arms without thinking. I heard the growl from behind me. A literal growl from Janie.
I quickly let DeShaun put me down.

He cam in as I stammered. “I was so worried, I thought you were dead. What happened? I saw the news, and I was so scared."

He shook his head looking at the ground. “The Soderburgh brothers… they...” He staggered to the couch and sat down. I sat down beside him, as Janie took a chair across from us. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at us, glaring.

“They… Randy… he... killed Andy, and then himself. Brad said he saw Andy try to kiss Randy, and they started fighting, and rolling around on the ground ripping each others clothes off, alternating between punching each other and trying to not kiss”. DeShaun slumped over, and Janie even came over and sat down beside him, with one of us on each side. We sat silently.

My mind raced. They had to have rutted, and they were attracted to each other. I remembered the intensity of DeShaun and I, and I felt a little sick. I looked over to Janie, and seeing the look on her face, I could tell that she had mentally come to the same conclusion.

DeShaun just sat there looking pale. Knowing that the brothers had died because of the rut shook him to the core. It was perhaps a good thing that he had no idea how I felt. I was sick to my stomach, and looking at Janie, she looked it too.

We sat for a while, I noticed the uneasy vibe between DeShaun and Janie was still simmering below the surface.

I sighed and spoke up. “Listen you two. The glares and the growls and the evil-eyes have got to stop. Right now I don’t know how I feel. DeShaun, yes. I am attracted to you. But I don’t know if it’s real, or if it is lingering effect from the rut. I need time to find out.”

Janie raised her head a little. I looked over and shook my head. “Janie, I love you. But I don’t know if that’s my remaining maleness struggling to hang on. I’ll always think you are special, and you will always be my friend. I don’t know if things will be the same after I change fully. Sunday was wonderf-”

DeShaun looked over and glared at her. I smacked my forehead. Stupid Casey! Stupid Casey! Stupid Casey!

“I’m sorry DeShaun. I didn’t mean to hide anything from you. I would have told you when the time was better. Yes, Janie and I had sex on Sunday. Our emotions were raw. She had just learned that Paul was going away for the assault on her. I was feeling weak, because I knew my life as I knew it was on borrowed time. We didn’t mean to hurt you”.

He looked at me, then at her. I couldn’t read the emotions on his face. I have to remember to never play him in poker, assuming I learn it in the first place.

I sighed. “look, Janie, you are jealous because he rutted me. DeShaun, you are mad because I had sex with her. You two go upstairs and have mind-blowing sex. That way everyone will have been with everyone and it’ll all be even!”

They both looked at me like I had lost my mind. I sat there stone faced for a moment, but then a little snort escaped. Soon I was laughing hysterically. Both of them looked at me, and then smacked me on the back of the head.

Janie and DeShaun agreed to a truce, and everyone exchanged phone numbers. The tension broken, we played some Mariokart for a bit. The deaths still made me shake some. I was glad that it had been DeShaun. Of course I still wished I could have remained a boy, but now that I knew how bad it could get, I was fortunate. In an odd way, I think Janie felt the same way. Paul had raped her and she was still struggling with that, but to think that she could have been murdered her, I think she was feeling some sense of relief.

After a several hours, mom came home. She had the football jersey on, and a pair of yoga pants. DeShaun noticed the jersey and looked at it questioningly.

“Something wrong, DeShaun?”, I asked.

“That jersey”, he said. “Why does it have your name on it?”

Mom laughed and smiled. I could see DeShaun blush. Inside a little voice growled at mom, but I kept it in.

Mom laughed and spoke, “Casey’s name is on the jersey, because this was my jersey when I went to Eden Prairie.”

I could see that DeShaun still didn’t get it. I snickered and spelled it out for him. “Mom’s maiden name was Casey. When I was born, mom and dad decided to use that as my first name”.

Janie sat there and tried to stifle laughter, while DeShaun just slumped his head, shaking it at how dense he had been.

Mom looked at me. “That reminds me, when your… ‘friends’ go, you and I have to talk.”

The pause and emphasis on the word “friends” clearly indicated that mom knew more than she was letting on. Did she know about Janie and I?

After fixing us a nice lunch, mom offered DeShaun and Janie rides home. They both politely declined, as both had rode their bikes over.

Once they had left, mom sat me down on the couch. I swallowed hard and chewed on my lower lip a bit. She seemed to sense my apprehension.

“Honey, there is nothing to be afraid of. I talked to Janie’s mother. She suspected that you two did more than play video games Sunday. I think I managed to dissuade her. What ever you two did isn’t our concern. And seeing the smile on her face, I’m sure that it did a lot of good for her self consciousness. After a violent rape, it is natural to feel that other men will find you unattractive. So your knowing about it, and still being with her is what she needed”.

I looked at mom, who sighed. “I know everyone sees me as the tall MILF, but I do have a brain. I minored in psychology at the U, after all”.

I nearly sprayed Dr. Pepper all over when she referred to herself as a MILF, but knowing the responses she got from teenage boys, she wasn’t wrong.

“What I really wanted to talk to you about was the doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and what happens afterward. I know that the tests are extremely personal, I’ve been there.” She turned her head and that far-away look came over her eyes, as she remembered something.

“It’s really just a formality, since you and I know you are already starting to change… but I need to get his ‘proof of transition’ notification, so that on Friday I can go down to the courthouse and file your gender-update on your records”, she said with a sympathetic tone.

I sighed. In 1912 President Taft had signed into law a bill that required notification of gender change to the federal government, for identification and census purposes. The bill had been argued as unconstitutional before the Supreme Court on several occasions, but the judgment was that in such cases as selective service and social security concerns the privacy of the individual was superseded by the government’s need to know.

“Dear, when I file those forms they will need to be filed under the name you wish to use as a girl, have you thought about it?”, she asked softly, wrapping her arm around my shoulder, supportively.

I thought about it. Casey was good for either gender. James though would need to be changed. I could go for Jane, but I didn’t want Janie to get a swelled head. It had been coincidence that her male first name and my middle name were identical, and we had joked about it on a few occasions.

I looked at her and smiled. “I want to keep Casey, I love you mom, and I love grandma and grandpa. And I want to keep honoring you all. If I use Jane for the middle name, a certain someone might get a swelled head”, I laughed as I said it, and mom joined in.

“What about Jennifer?”, she said. “It’s still a ‘J’ name, and it works with your name”, she said.

I pondered it for several minutes, rolling it around in my brain. Unbidden, my mind wandered elsewhere. Casey Jennifer Bond… Casey Jennifer McAllister… Shaking my head, I stopped those random thoughts.

“Casey Jennifer Church”, It does have a ring to it, I admitted. I wasn’t thrilled, but at least I would still have something that belonged to boy-me, once he was dead and gone forever.