Stuck in a Rut.
By Rosalie Redd

Casey Church is a normal 13 year old boy, full of hopes and dreams and fears and anxieties. But in a world where there hasn’t been a girl born in over a century, what is normal?

Chapter 5.

Mom opened the door and came in, sitting beside me. She gently rubbed my back and then softly spoke. “You need to get up, we have an appointment to go see Dr. Foster soon.”

I groaned and got up slowly. I was still very sore and moving hurt. I dragged myself to the bathroom, and changed out of my pajamas. I looked at my body. I wasn’t muscular, but I didn’t hate what I saw. It was a moot point though, as I knew I would never be this person again. I would get smaller, more delicate, I’d end up being fragile. I wasn’t that big as a guy. So I knew it would be worse for me as a girl. I looked at my penis, 7” wasn’t much to brag about, but I was pleased with it. And soon it’d be gone.

I took my shower, very careful to not touch my ass. Even the water touching it hurt like a mother fu…

“Casey! Get ready. We’re leaving in 15 minutes!”, came the cry from downstairs. I sighed and threw on some sweats and a hoodie and walked slowly down the stairs. I hung my head and walked the walk of shame to the garage. I was on automatic as I climbed into the passenger seat of Mom’s car. If she talked to me, I didn’t hear it. I just gazed out the window and pretended to watch the scenery go past.

We got to the office, and I hung my head there. Dr. Foster had been my pediatrician since before I could even remember, and I knew him and Nurse Betty quite well. So when it came time to go in, I stayed behind Mom and tried to be as unnoticeable as possible. I pretended to flip through a Sports Illustrated as I sat there uncomfortably. My ass was killing me, and was an unwelcome reminder of my problems.

When Nurse Betty finally called us into the exam room, I just looked away. She drew some blood, and I winced, but said nothing. She left and Doctor Foster came in. He was a tall man, easily 6’6”. He had a thin build and when I was younger, I was scared of him, and how he towered over me. Right now, I just looked at him, and his graying hair and goatee.

Doctor Foster cleared his throat, and then addressed us. “Hello Casey, I understand you had your rut, and need a check-up. I’ll try to be as gentle as possible.”

He looked over at Mom, and nodded. She took the hint, and left. After she was gone, he asked me to lay go behind the privacy certain, and change into one of those embarrassing paper gowns that hang open in the back. I did so, and came out. He motioned for me to hop up on the exam table.

“First things first, I’d like to do a quick exam to see if there was any damage to your anus, if that’s alright.”, He said it softly, in his best attempt to not embarrass me, but that was an impossible task.
I did as he said, and laid down on my side, as he probed. I winced in pain as he did his check-up.

“There is some tearing of the mucosa membrane, and some small anal fissures. Those should heal fairly quickly, but I’ll prescribe some lidocaine and Ibuprofen to help with the pain and discomfort.”, He said while I sat up. He took my temperature and blood pressure, and helped me up onto the scale.

“Hm… 162 Lbs. Now Let’s get your height.” After I stepped off the scale, he led me to the wall, and I stood up straight in front of the height chart. “Hmmm, 5’7 and 1/4 inches.”, he said as he wrote it down into my record.

I sat back down on the exam table, and he performed other routine tests. Hearing, reflexes, and so forth. Truthfully, I tuned it all out until he told me I could hop down and get changed back into my clothes. I ducked behind the privacy curtain and got dressed again, sighing. After I had gotten dressed, Dr. Foster left the room for a moment.

When he came back in, Mom was with him. He cleared his throat and spoke in that well-practiced neutral doctor voice. “We have the results from your blood test back. The catalyst enzyme was detected in your bloodstream in sufficient quantities. Based on that, I can safely say that you will transition. Normally, you should begin to notice minor signs in about 5-9 days. You might notice that the hair on your arms and legs is lighter or has started to fall out. Your nipples might feel sensitive or swollen, and in some cases there might be a slight change of coloration to the irises. I would like to make appointments for every two weeks or so, so that we can track your progress. Stop by and talk to Betty to schedule the follow-ups, Mrs. Church.”

I sighed and my shoulders slumped. It’s official. I’m a girl.

I got up and walked out with Mom, She stopped and talked with Nurse Betty at the reception desk. I pretended to not listen, but I couldn’t help but catch the concern when Mom was handed a bunch of pamphlets, and heard Nurse Betty mention the possibility of talking to a psychiatric professional, and I jolted upright when I heard mention of symptoms of depression to watch for and possible suicidal indicators.

I felt the tears trickle down my face, as I bit my lip. I remained quiet as we got in the car. Mom quickly turned off the radio. We drove home in silence. We turned into the driveway and parked. After we entered the house, Mom spoke up.

“If you want to talk, or anything, you know your Dad and I love you, no matter what, and we are here-”

I turned with the tears streaming down my face and yelled out, “I don’t want to talk about it!”
Pushing past her, I ran upstairs and slammed the door.

I collapsed onto the bed again, sobbing. I heard the doorbell, and Mom talking to someone. I buried my head under the pillows, and wept. There was a knock on the door. I pulled my head out from hiding.

“Mom, just leave me alone, okay?” I said in a hoarse voice.

A voice I had come to recognize the past couple days spoke up. “Casey, it’s Janie… can I come in?”

I got up and walked over to the door and let her in.

“I brought your homework, I was concerned when you-” she looked at my face tears streaming down it. And she gasped. “Something happened, didn’t it?”

I nodded and spoke, “I...I...he found me. I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t say anything. I sat there like a useless lump and let him do it to me. I didn’t even say no. I deserve this! It’s my fault!”

She put her books down on the dresser beside the bed and sat down. I sat down beside her, then slumped over. She patted her lap gently and I lay my head in it.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I understand. You are not at fault. I was raped, and I still had a hard time crying out or struggling or saying no. It’s too… intense, you feel lost. I know. But remember, you are not to blame. You are not worthless.”, she spoke softly as she rubbed my head gently.

“You will get through this, because I will be there to help you. I will be there for you. Did you know that after it happened, I tried to kill myself?”, she said in a quiet voice.

I turned over and looked at her. She was chewing on her lower lip. “I know what you are feeling, I felt it all too. The loss of what you had, the failure to protect your masculinity. I got so low that I went into the bathroom one night and downed half a bottle of aspirin. If my Dad hadn’t found me, and called the paramedics, I wouldn’t be here. And I look back at that, and thank my lucky stars every day.”, She said this in an almost whisper quiet voice.

“I’m still lost”, She mused. “But I have to fight my way through it. And I was at a low point the other day, when I ran into you. You listened. Nobody else did, well nobody else our age.”

She smiled before continuing. “I’m still struggling to figure out who I am now. I’m not the old me. You knew me then. I was more adventurous. Remember when we raided Old Man Douglas’ orchard and tee-pee’d the whole thing?”, She laughed as she got a far away look in her eyes.

“I’m still trying to cope with this new me. All this damned estrogen flooding my system. Between that and… the rape… I’m more scared, I jump at shadows now. I feel meek. But I also know I’m brave. And I have to be.”

She squirmed and rubbed her stomach. “Damned cramps.” She winced as she said that, I know she thought better of mentioning it in front of me right now, but I put up a brave front and nodded.

After a sigh, she continued, “You don’t know how much you helped me the other day, just listening and talking to me. My therapist says I’m making progress, but I don’t know. It’s so confusing. I know I’m not James anymore, but I don’t know if I’m Jane all the way yet. I look at girls still, and am attracted to them. I don’t know if that will fade with time, or if I always will be. But now I find myself more and more attracted to boys.”

She looked me in the eyes before speaking. “I wish it had been someone like you, I don’t know maybe I would have picked being a girl, maybe not. But it would have been my choice. I’m sorry that your choice was taken away.”

I sat up, and she moved to sit close to me. She spoke in a soft voice. “I don’t know how much help I can be, I’m still trying to figure out things myself, and I certainly don’t know much about being a girl yet... but I will be here all the same when you need me, and when you need to talk. And I know I will need to lean on you too, from time to time.”

I turned my head to look at her, and when I did, she leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes and kissed her back, softly at first, then a little more aggressively. She returned my kiss with an open mouth and we sat for a few minutes just kissing harder and harder. She took my hand in hers and guided it to her chest. I momentarily panicked before she broke the kiss.

“It’s okay”, she said. “Your mother ran to fill your prescriptions, and she said that she would be a while running other errands, though I think she said that because she knew you needed someone to talk to.”

I looked her in the eyes, it wasn’t fair. She was beautiful and the perfect girl for me. I wished things could have been different.

I nodded to her, and she took off her shirt, exposing herself. She had on a lacy white bra that presented her modest breasts. She blushed and unfastened the clasp in the front, before sliding the bra off. She nodded and I gently raised my hand and felt them, cupping them gently. She closed her eyes and laid back on the bedspread. I pressed close to her and slowly moved my mouth to her right breast. With a sad sigh, I gently took her nipple in my mouth and lay there in her reassuring embrace as the tears once again began to flow. I couldn’t see her face, but if I had been able to, I would have seen that she was crying as well. Even if she was smiling.

As always, I appreciate and ADORE comments. And if you want to play in the Rut Universe, drop me a message about any questions you might have.