Images 55

Chapter 55

*Before…

I kiss him again. “A day off, a real day off.”

He’s actually grinning. “Yeah, and there’ll be more I promise. I’m not working my way away from my family not when I just got them.”

We head upstairs and I’ll admit it…I’m happy, I’m choked up because he really gets it…family, those you love they come first. This is the way that I want to live my life.
This is the way I’m going to live my life.

*And Now…

Okay it took a little longer than I thought to get us all ready and in retrospect I think from now on everything like this that I’m going to do will be with dressing the kids last.

“Mum…pot…” Twice.

And it’s alright I’m very cool with that.

It’s the Mum thing that just gets me.

Again I swear there are those moments of soul where I can feel my female heart and the ache inside of parts I should have.

It’s that ache and need of feeling my ovaries even though I’ll never have them.

It hurts but to me a good hurt.

I know I’m not crazy, well no more than anyone else so I know it’s not some sexual delusion me being transgender.

So if it’s not my head then it’s my heart and this is where I…and I’m stressing that it’s where I believe that God has this into his plan for me.

If I wasn’t female in soul he wouldn’t have me feel this way.

And maybe my Trans*journey is part of me being me that was made in his image.

Yes…I don’t think that means God’s all male-centric. I think it means in his image as he has seen up as the final thing we will be by the time we meet him. His image of who we will be, should be.

So even though I hate not being born a girl from the get go I’m choosing to see it as part of something meant to be.

That sometimes we have to walk a lot of miles in the footprints of others before we’re ourselves.

I hope others can get that.

I can only hope some of my older TG friends can see that.

Like that navy seal lady that transitioned….who knows the ripples of her soldiering times? The lives she save abroad, the troops she was with, we don’t get to see the bigger pictures so far out from ourselves.

So I hold to that and have faith and when I’m hit with this dysphoria moments…I try to make it not about how it hurts not to be…but to think about the inside stuff and feel okay, feel good that this is my soul talking to me through the body I’m in.

It’s not the pain…it’s feeling and hearing the truth.

LOL…Yeah weird Powers mentality and faith huh.

But it really gets me through those ow Mum…times.

I look at Taylor as we’re all getting ready and taking Iggy’s van instead of the truck and he smiles at me.

“Feeling it?”

I nod. “The Mum, gets me every time.”

Iggy looks at me and rolls her eyes a little. “God you’re such a girl.”

I nod. “Yes, and you’ve known that for a while.”

“Yeah well still not getting it.”

“Still?” Taylor asks.

“Well not like that, it’s I’m born female but heck if I actually get or feel a quarter of what Jenna feels….and certainly not the mommy stuff like she does.”

Taylor nods. “Well some women are actually more dad like.”

“Is that a lesbian crack?”

“No, it’s absolutely not. Some women are actually just as suited for guy stuff and guy like behavior just as much as some guys can be feminine and still not be gay. Sexuality doesn’t really have to do with stuff like that.”

“Jeeze Taylor you sound like Jenna for pity’s sake.”

“Uhm hello…she’s my wife Ingrid and learning about all this stuff’s important to me because this is the stuff that she has to live with y’know.”

I smile and lean over and I kiss him. “It’s awesome that you do honey but I’m not just a big bag of sexuality and gender issues.”

He blushes and I kiss him again. “It’s awesome that you actually try and get it and that you have a clue when it’s some of those times when it gets bad.”

“I love you Jen, it’s stuff I want to know.”

We kiss a few more sweet seconds up against the van and Ingrid starts pointedly coughing and Giselle’s actually doing that little girl giggling and she’s making these wet smuck-smooch sounds. It’s really cute and I get into the back seat where she’s in her car seat and I tickle her and she bursts out squealing.

There’s nothing in the world like the sound of happy laughter when it’s coming from your own child y’know.

Ingrid well she looks…she does that whole wince that people that don’t really like kids do and I keep Giselle occupied instead of her getting more of that from Ingrid.

Man…I just…

I just honestly can’t wrap my head around it all…I suppose some people just aren’t made for being a parent.

I still wish I was…I mean medically.

Emotionally I’m done…slap the mommy label on me.

Taylor Drives and we head out to the WED (West Edmonton Mall) and we park and wait for Dad and Angie and Hunter to join us and we head inside all together as a group and Dad going ahead enough to be ready for Ingrid with a wheelchair.

She makes a face.

“John, I don’t need that.”

“You sure it’s going to be a long day.”

“I’m sure.”

“Well I’m going to keep it handy anyways.”

Angie actually goes over and folds it up. “It’s bad luck to push and open and empty wheelchair.”

I actually never heard that before but Taylor’s nodding.

We all head off into the mall and I’m letting Giselle go on her own but keeping right close to her. I kind of want her to wear her little legs out some by the time we actually get to the theme park so she’ll be a little more manageable once we get there.

Well…it was a good theory.

We get to Galaxyland first and I’ve like seen it before but never really looked and it’s this really big mall based amusement park and Giselle see’s it and despite having walked all the way here she runs to one of the safety glassed partitioned railings on the edge of the space and her little hands are on the glass and she’s bouncing on her feet.

“Yeeeeeeeeeee…”

I look at Taylor and he’s grinning. “She looks excited.”

I nod. “Just a bit.” I go and take crouch near her. “Cool huh?”

She does that little bobble head nod of hers and bumps her head into the glass making me smirk. She’s a tough little trooper too she doesn’t even go ow instead she just give me this big wide grin. “Wanna go.”

“Me too c’mon carry time.”

She shoves her little arms out at me in a flash. “Up-hugs Mum.”

Ow….yay ow but still ow…

I pick her up and I can tell that Hunter’s excited too. I grin at her as Taylor and Dad are paying our way in. “Excited?”

“Heck yeah, last time I was here was a birthday party and I couldn’t play like I wanted to or get the prizes that I wanted to because I was still stuck pretending to be a boy.”

“I never really was here at all, back in my other days it was just one of those pass it by places.”

She grins at me. “So new starts for both of us then.”

I nod. “Definitely.”

She looks at dad. “Dad…?” She says it and she does that bite her lip thing and Dad being dad just smiles and comes over and slips an arm around her shoulders. “What’s-up kiddo?”

Hunter’s looking at him with that sort of teary oh my god he answered to that look and this huge smile. “I hope you’re ready, my stuffy collection is utterly lacking.”

He just grins and walks inside pulling her along in his wake still holding her in a tight hug and making her giggle and laugh.

That’s my dad…

And stuff like that makes him my hero.

I’m holding Giselle and then Taylor’s holding me as we head inside to start having fun.

Part of me really wants to be concerned over this and the whole Iggy thing but part of me just wants to really enjoy this and there’s this sort of guilty-sort of not thing when I see this look on Ingrid’s face and the Angie slips her arm into Ingrid’s and sort of takes her attention off of Taylor and Giselle and I.

It sucks, it does but at the same time she knows…she knows what she’s done and she knows the score with Taylor and me.

Sometimes it’s a struggle to not be mad at the situation.

Deep breath…and I walk us over to one of the small rides.

Giselle’s “Yeeeeeee…” Of pure joy is more than enough to shake me out of my mini-funk and we get her in the ride it’s this merry-go round sort of thing based on the movie *Cars* and it sort of does the hill thing to like every few turns and I’m there with some of the other parents and crouched with some of the other mom’s on the decking while she squeals and laughs and Tay’s go our camera out taking both pictures and taking video too.

I’m so e-mailing this to Grams and Grand pops.

And Angel and Uncle Remy too.

We go from ride to ride and trying out different ones and there’s some that are made for child plus parent and I go on some of those with her and some she will just look over at Taylor and do her little walk-run thing and grab him by the finger and pull. “Daddy…come.”

There’s that big oh-man-lump in his throat when he looks at me after she’s done that and he goes with her and for a little while I get to see him drop some of that loving but serious guy and be that guy…be that guy that little girls sniffle and reach out to so much.

Just thinking about that makes me tear up and it makes me ache in that want and wish that I could give that to Taylor for real.

He’s a great dad.

And he’s a really great husband.

And when we’re done with the rides and I’m sharing a small pink popcorn while walking around with Giselle in my arms Taylor’s being a really great boyfriend as we hit the game areas.

Definitely yes! Your husband can still be your boyfriend…heck he should actually stay your boyfriend really.

It is all kinds of cliché and yet still kind of awesome watching him do stuff to win stuff like prizes and all that stuff for me and Giselle.

Unless it’s that pitching the ball game.

I’m watching and honestly just having a good time and trying not to laugh as he’s actually got horrible aim.

Oh I mean him and Billy and Tim can like throw the ball to each other and stuff but that’s kind of where his skills end.

He looks at me after I cough snerked and he passes me the ball. “So now it’s your turn.”

He takes Giselle and grins at me and I look at the ball in my hands. It’s a softball one of those rubberized ones and they’re kind of cruddy really which is sort of the whole point of them using them.

It’s been awhile and really I haven’t done anything sportsy in a long time and that’s kind of this sort of throwback thing with my transition and stuff maybe…it’s not like I’m ashamed of those days and stuff but maybe there’s just this subconscious don’t go there thing so no one questions me in passing.

I mean it’s never really happened but it doesn’t have to for you to be wary of it and stuff.

There’s a lot of double standard stuff with being a transwoman. I don’t mean to like say anything bad about transguys but there’s this thing of them doing something fem and they don’t get a lot of backlash for it but when it comes to being a transwoman and you do stuff that’s kind of traditionally masculine there’s this whole aha!

I’ve been lucky so far and I haven’t really had to face down any of that but some of my friends have online and I’ve read stories so I’ve been leery.

But I look from the ball to Giselle and it kind of hits that I kind of have to be a role model too. Not just the mum stuff and the girl stuff but the you gotta try stuff and if you’re good at something you do it because you like it and because you’re good at it no matter what a bunch of other people might or might not say.

Girls have enough issues with that stuff all the time and with my little girl staring at me I’m stepping up. I take a breath and I start dropping those flip down clowns.

I’ll say this about my time as Jaime…I’d been made to throw footballs and baseballs and softballs all the time to get my aim to where it was at and that was getting a football in my hand I could pretty much put into the arms of any one of my old team mates.

Learning to pitch for baseball teaches you about spin, and football uses spin a lot more than just that spiral.

Y’know before…the crowd cheering was just a kind of a meh thing…I never really connected fully with the emotional stuff back then before I transitioned and now with Taylor and Giselle cheering me on it feels just…

It feels exactly like they’re cheering. “Yay Mommy…!”

I’m swallowing a lump and happy tears as I get a big roll of tickets from the guy at the booth and I go over to him and her and slip into this really awesome double hug and this three way head rub.