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Chapter 17

I’m so happy the rest of the day. Actually blissed out is the right term probably. I’m sure I looked at our/my/our wedding license of 20 or 30 times. I’m sure I was driving everyone nuts too.

I did get the two pans of my cinnamon rolls out and iced for daddy to take with him. “One pan’s for Angie and Hunter and the others for the nurses in the ER who saved my life.” I know, I’ll have to make more because there’s the people in ICU who kept me alive and cared for in my eight day nap and there’s the Oncology dept. that’s helping Taylor and me.

I’m good for about forty minutes after the Suppertime rush slackens off. I’m getting married. I’m not even eighteen yet and I’m going to be married. Okay, I know I talk about a lot about how sweet things are in my life and kind of talk a lot about food and sex and the stuff we do in the bath and these are important to me. The sort of air for my soul and all that.

But I’m right there now on the edge of a panic attack. I’m getting married…I haven’t finished high school…I don’t have my driver license…I’m not even a full girl yet and I’m going to be married and somebody’s wife in 4 days….reality is hitting me over the head right now…4 days…I’ve…I haven’t known Taylor for more than a month? Less than a month actually…I’ve even missed a week, well 8 days of it.

I end up sitting on the back steps bent over my head between my knees trying to breathe. Everything’s hazy and I’m freaking I think…I think I called Dr. Wilson.

“Jenna?…Jenna, can we talk?”

I look up to see Dr. Wilson standing there looking at me. I nod kind of like one of those bobblehead dolls. “M’kay”

“I see things have gotten a bit muddled since we talked two days ago. You want to tell me about it?” as she talks she moves to sit beside me and rub my back.

“Doctor Wilson? I don’t know what to do.” I whine.

“What do you mean?”

“Taylor and I are getting married.”

“You said that before but what’s changed?”

“I’m getting married on Sunday.’

“Wow…That’s fast.”

I do another bobble headed nod. “I’m not even eighteen yet.”

“That’s young.”

Bobble headed nod.

“My Grams is all the way back on PEI. She’s letting me wear her wedding dress. She was saving it for my Aunt Katey… Her daughter... Who’s dead…Oh and I’m her doppelganger.”

“Ooooh, ouch that’s kind of cool and messed up all at the same time.”

Bobble headed nod.

“I’m engaged to a guy, and I used to be a guy.”

Okay I hear her laughing softly at that. “Jenna, even at tough and good at football as Jaime was, you were never a guy. The heart you have, the way that your soul speaks to the world. The way you make it react to you. You are a girl, you always have been.”

(sniff, cough.) “Really?”

“Yes really and that’s a professional opinion. Now what else?”

“Taylor’s dying or not or might be. There’s some new doctor who wants to talk to Taylor about some new therapy. But Taylor wants me with him and he wants me to have all the legal rights and stuff before then.”

“But that’s a good thing right? I mean you love him don’t you?”

“More than I breathe. But is that normal? I mean to love someone that much, that hard in so little time?”

“That depends on what you call normal. Look at me and Em. She’s smaller, daintier and prettier than I am and yet I don’t consider Em a guy but I’m not a lesbian, never have been, girls aren’t my thing but I love my husband-wife.”

“Okay, I mean I really do love Taylor.”

“Really? As in completely and without reservations.”

I think about it. I mean really sit there and think about it. My mind goes over everything we’ve been through together from how we met, to the few fights, the boring stuff like him doing the stuff in the office and the amount of time he works. I think about all the good times too. There’s a few fresh tears when I think of just how lucky I am. Some people never even get close to the chances that I’ve been given. There’s a part of me…I swear I hear Jaime’s voice saying. ~This is the game making play Jenna, are we going to choke and blow it for us, for Taylor for everyone? Or are we going to do this, take the big risk and really be happy huh?~

I like being happy, I like feeling things, I like being alive.

“Yes…Yes…I love Taylor, I’m not even sure how deep I love him or what love really is but I want to know. I want to find it all out.”

“Then that’s a good thing Jenna.”

“Jaimes helped me figure it out.”

“Jenna you are Jaime.”

I can’t help but smile at that for a change. “Yeah, I guess but it’s more like he had always been me.”

“Does Jaime talk to you a lot?”

“Uhm, No…am I crazy?”

“Crazy?…Yes, everyone’s a little crazy in their own ways. It’s when it gets too intense when we call it insane.”

“So I’m not schizoid?”

“No, it’s actually very normal to have an internal dialog. Trans people often with their other selves either the gendered former self or the gender they feel the need to be. If you never started to transition you might have experienced your Jenna voice as your inner voice.”

“Inner voice?”

“All of us have one, it’s sometimes ourselves, or the single voice most often called your conscience. People with other things going on have different voices, a person with MPD has such trauma that their primary self is more damaged than the other ones for whatever reason and become dominant. Sociopaths don’t have the inner voice or subconscious narrative.”

“I never had it as Jaime.”

“You did but Jenna was so alien to the world Jaime was raised in you pushed these thoughts and feeling deep down and buried them. Unfortunately everything in us is connected and this is why Jaime didn’t really feel anything and was reaching for anything.”

“Yeah, I was a man-whore.”

“No you were really hurting and in search of connection on a deeper level, but you couldn’t so sex has become an obsession.”

“I…I…I’m kinda of worried about that. Taylor and I’ve been having a lot of sex lately.”

“Do you feel things emotionally when you do?”

“Oh, god yes!”

“Well two things. One it’s perfectly healthy you’re young and full of hormones and love. Two you are feeling something while doing this and you’ve been running on empty for so long you need to top off your tank emotionally, learning that this is normal and alright.”

I can’t help but to sigh with relief.

“Thanks for this Doctor.”

“It’s Marley, Jenna I’m only the doctor when I’m wearing my lab coat.”

I lean over and hug her. “Either way, this was above and beyond.”

“Yup, and you guys can compensate me with food.”

“Would I be out of line to ask you and the family to the wedding?”

“Not to me it wouldn’t, I’d like to be there to observe you personally for first hand knowledge of a major life event but also because it’d be a great boost for my own kids. They’ve never been to a wedding before.”

“So, you’ll come?”

“And miss the chance to see Em in a really hot dress?”

We walk arm in arm back inside just chatting about the place. It’s well after dark actually and the girls are cleaning and tearing down and I give her the dime tour of the place. Marley’s lived in the city since she was here going to college but had never really been down here before. I’ve the chance to give her a proper tour with a cup of tea, she doesn’t drink coffee. I send her off with a big box of sweets and some leftovers for her family. I don’t see Taylor anywhere…? I find Holly, actually kind of quickly…just a little panicky, I mean what if…? “Holly where’s Taylor? I don’t see him anywhere, and, and the trucks still here?” She yawns and puts away a few dishes. “He was doing something up on the roof with Davey and Tim while you were taking your break.”

“Oh. Yeah god sorry guys it’s just everything was just coming at me so fast I freaked out a bit.” Holly smiles and looks at me, then puts her towel down to hug me. “Jenna hon, I would be more worried about you if you didn’t freak out a little.” I lean into it and Nin comes over to join us and rub my back. We spend a few minutes doing the tight bonding thing before I head up to the roof. It’s blocked fro the outside? Tim yanks it open a few inches and peers at me. “No, You gotta go downstairs and get ready and here.” He thrusts a garment bag at me, then slams the door in my face. “Whathehell?”

I walk downstairs to the apartment and open the garment bag…inside is this evening gown, it’s beautiful…A black Gilded X Maxi-Gown by Jovani…and all the fittings to go with it, lingerie, shoes…I take it out and hold it against myself in the mirror…How…when…? … “Holly!, Njinda! Help!” They come up the stairs and stare at me. “Look…Isn’t it beautiful…?” They’re both smiling and things kind of take over from there in a blur as they both help me make myself as beautiful as I have ever been. Holly puts my hair into this smooth yet hot kind of Andi Lennox kind of short haired yet extremely sexy style. Nice, very nice make up, like a grown woman would wear on a important night. I’m nervous as Holly goes up to check and comes back to help bring me upstairs. Tim and Davey meet me down at the landing and tell me I look beautiful. I slowly go up the stairs and out onto the roof.

The first thing I see is several post on each corner of the roof. There’s garden lattice nailed all along three of the sides of the roof leaving the side facing the night-time view of the city. There’s tiny little white x-mas lights strung along the top of the lattice and there’s white roses and red roses strung through the lattice everywhere and candles, lots of candles. There’s a fancy Arabic looking carpet leading over the roof and to a table where Taylor has a late supper set out for us.

I hear “Kiss from a rose start playing from speakers I can’t see and Taylor comes up to me and takes my hand to dance with me. He’s wearing a tuxedo…He looks so handsome and I’m blown away and breathless as he danced with me through our song. The music switches to something romantic and classical and we somehow get closer as we slow dance. He leans over and whispers in my ear. “I know that this is fast Jen, I know that there’s just so much that’s on our plates and coming at us right now. I just want you to know that I am head over heels in love with you and I’d be asking you to marry me and be with me forever even if we didn’t have any of our issues going on.” I kiss him before he kisses me. Then he kisses me back, touches my face and it we dance and mostly kiss but waltz with my arms around his neck and his around the small of my back.

We actually kissed and danced until the candles burned away on us and we ate a very romantic meal if cold pasta and a wilty salad. I absolutely didn’t care it was one of the best meals of my life.

By the time we get done eating it’s getting close to dawn and I kiss him. “I love you, and I’d love to be making love right now but by the time we get things cleaned up we’ll be needing to get started. And…I made some promises on some of our orders.” He nods, “Davey said he and Tim would tear this down for us.”

“Mmm, good maybe though we can put something up her full time for us. I’d like to have a little nook or something to relax in and read or something while the laundry is drying.”

“You got it hon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I just never really put a lot of time in the place because of you know…”

“Yeah…” I kiss him and run my fingers through his hair.

Taylor sweeps me off my feet literally and carries me downstairs to our apartment. I love it it’s romantic but we don’t have the time to fool around. I take my time putting my very, very nice things away. Tay’s in the shower, I have things to ask him so I slip into the bathroom.

“Honey?”

“Ya babe.”

“I wanted to know if I can invite a few people?”

“To the wedding?”

“Yes, to the wedding. The thing is uhm some of them are friends like me and they’re really broke and…They kept me sane when the only one I had was their support of me online. They saved my life a couple of times.”

He sticks his head out of the stall hair soaked and looks at me. He’s got this very serious look but there is a smile on his face. “If these people save you, then I owe them. You go ahead and invite them get them up here as fast as you can and I’ll spring for the whole thing. Tickets, hotels, even the salon and shopping.”

“Taylor that’s a lot of money.”

“I’m not going to take it with me. Look Jen I’ve got money, I’m not stinking rich but I inherited the place and it’s been paid for and I’ve had Mom and Dad’s insurance money in the bank and the diner makes a decent living for us. This is our wedding, I can afford it, we can afford it. Besides it’s not going to be something these girls have ever gotten to do right?”

“No, not often or at all. Some of them aren’t out.”

“Well they can be here, Write them a letter saying we need them to consult on the Maverick.”

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“I love you!” I kind of yell it as I run downstairs to the office and fire up the desktop and my laptop. I’m excited and hopeful as I go online to my various friends and tell them everything, everything that’s going on and what Taylor said I’m a little sad because some can’t come, or are too afraid to come but some are coming, some are coming alone and some are bringing family and spouses and kids. I end up with quite a guest list. By that time Taylor gives me a coffee and we talk a bit to them and then once we have the numbers we start to talk to send out tickets. Taylor calls Westjet and gets a hold of a manager and gets the tickets bought and paid for an even couriered out to my friends. He calls the Motel where Dad and Gramps and Grams has been staying for so long and he strikes a deal with the management even waking up the guy. It’s the end of summer and not really our tourist time this is thirty two rooms for five days. He put in all on the same card for the business and I didn’t follow all of it but I do get that it’s a lot of money.

All for me, for my wedding to make it special to me.

Taylor’s really good at this. He does the business thing like a pro, I see him and Dad with Dad doing the lawyer thing as the same type of guys. It’s later than I though by the time everything’s arranged but I’m feeling really good. Later today I’m going to invite a few girls from the club I worked at and Nona as well as Dallas.

I have my third coffee and start cranking out the cinnamon rolls and I make a lot of them and Tay was doing his set up and baking off the bread and the sandwich rolls. I’m in just a t-shirt and sweat pants and was going to head up to shower and change before the morning rush starts.

Taylor comes up and kisses me from behind. I feel him not just press into me but grind against me. “Tay…Tay…we don’t have enough time…” he sucks on my ear and my willpower goes out with that. “Oooh.” I Moan and he’s pulling my shirt and track pants off and kisses me…then lifts me and setting me on the mix table. I get spices and brown sugar and butter on me. I smear some on his face and laugh and Then it just sort of sparks something as we’re taking the sugar and butter with the brown sugar and things in it as we smear it all over out bodies as we…it’s sex, it’s perfect, great sweet and dirty sex. From there to our bathroom and bouncing off our walls, screwing up against the walls.

After a very quick shower and a finish we make it downstairs about fifteen minutes late. Holly looks amused but busy and laughs as we both see the look that Nin is giving us, confused. “Jenna? How is there, the spices for your rolls on de wall?” She’s wiping some of it away then she see’s a buttery print of one of my breasts on the drywall by the stairs.

“Wha..you…how..?” Then she turns and points at the cinnamon roll Cooling on the bread counter. “Are you sure those are safe to eat?’

We wade into the morning chaos laughing, and kissing.