Chapter 4

Really…

Really…

What can I say to that? Is there anything I can say to that? And really despite everything I’ve been through, I’m still just a kid. I’m barely seventeen years old so what in my life even gets me close to have and answer to this?

“I don’t want you to die either.”

He’s got his arms around me really tightly. I actually sigh into it because there’s something inside all of us who wants to be held and wants to hold somebody there and be that most important thing in that other person’s universe. We all need to be needed. I’ve never had anyone need me. I push my face into his chest a bit more and inhale his scent. I let him hold me; I hold him back and listen to the beating of his heart. I do my damnedest to be that this, the person he can hold onto for dear life.

It’s funny how you can have these moments. I’m holding him and he’s holding me and there’s this guy who works there takes a look at us and goes to one of those staff phones on the wall and talks into it while staring at us. The music stops; you know the mind numbing light pop they play in the store and then another kind of music starts to play and the guy gives us a grin and a thumbs up. “Kiss from a Rose.” by Seal starts to play. We look at each other and start to laugh breaking up the tension of the last few minutes. Taylor’s smiling again so it’s good. He kisses me then we kind of just nuzzle each other. He grins a bit. “Kinda like a something out of some cheesy movie huh?” I nod. “Yeah, It’s just horrible.” I start swaying with the music, he moves with it and we just slow dance together.

2:34AM, in Wall-Mart, in the house wares section in the aisle between the bedding sets and the bathroom stuff. It’s my very first romantic dance as myself.

We dance through the song and are smiling and laughing as we load our stuff into the truck and head for home. It’s about 4AM by the time we’re done and that’s just unloading and getting the stuff that needs to be refrigerated into the fridges. I let him do that while I put away my toiletries and things and take my meds and get my make up off. I even slip into a nice but affordable nylon chemise and matching panties to sleep in. I can’t help but smile at the bedroom.

Taylor’s laid down a new floor rug at my side and the foot of the bed. There’s the two nice little lamps with the flowers on the glass shades that we picked up. There’s new sheets by Martha Stewart on the bed too with a nice big quilt. I can smell potpourri a little and Taylor’s got the new bamboo blinds up already and he’s hanging up the curtains I picked out, I can’t help but smile at him making all the effort to make this our room, our place. I certainly enjoy the view of his arms and shoulders and his back. He’s got a lot of very nice muscles rippling under his skin, his nice tan. He’s got this tattoo of an angel on his right shoulder blade and she’s sideways so she looks like she’s looking off or over his shoulder and is holding an electric guitar and her hair’s blowing in the wind. The rest of his body has lots of scars and several tattoos that are in crude ink like street gang homemade tattoos.

All in all with his shoulder length blonde hair he comes acrossed a lot like a rocker. He looks awesome as he’s putting the curtain up in his red plaid pattern boxer shorts. He finishes getting them set up and turns around. “So, how’s it look?” Then he kind of stops and his eyes slide up and down my body. I’m blushing but I try to sway my way to him and smile and kiss him lightly. “I love it.” He smiles and kisses me back and says “You look beautiful Jenna.” His eyes are shining and I can feel him drinking in my image. I feel like I’m actually beautiful the way he’s looking at me.

We cuddle even while standing up and make our way to our bed. I’d like to be able to say we made mad passionate love but it was late and we both had a really long and emotional day so after a few cuddles in bed getting us situated and comfortable and a few kisses we both pretty much drifted off into dreamland.

The morning was a different matter as I woke with us spooning and Taylor was uhm, well he was a sexually normal guy in the morning. I pressed against him and felt him return the favor pushing against me. He rolled me over and kissed me morning breath and all then he paid great attention to “the girls” with gentle suckles and tiny little licks and even using his tongue to worry my nipples while he sucked on them driving me into heaven. I really learned about my own clothes as he used that slinky sexy slithery nylon to tease and dry them off while he paid attention to the other one.

His other hand touched and teased other places on my body as I really got to revel in the feeling of his touch on my girl soft skin. Occasionally he’d use both to cup and to gently squeeze me breasts, other times he’d kiss me, there was one time his hair was hanging down draping his head and face all sexy like and the tips of it teased me maddeningly. He kissed me deeply then and his hand went south to my bits and he rubbed me through my nice nylon panties and as I was reaching my limit we were rubbing noses, nuzzling each other and in this instant I had just closed my eyes to try to picture how it’d be for me if I was really myself…he kisses me on my eyelids.

It was so sweet and so powerfully erotic it carried me over the edge and I arched my body and cried out his name. I uhm ended up handily returning the favor and…and let’s just say I must work on my gag reflex. But the sounds he made when I did that, the way he seemed to melt and tense at the same time. It struck a chord in me that confirmed my budding feelings I’ve been having and exploring. I’m a girl and I like boys just like any other girl.

No one in my old life had woken these kinds of feelings in me. It’s one of the empty things about my life back then. It’s something of me that, I didn’t know. I thought I knew. I suspected, dwelt on it even and obsessed over some of it even.

I’m in the shower after brushing my teeth twice, and thinking about all of this when It kind of strikes me. Being transgendered is a lot like having amnesia. I mean I can know things and I can self identify myself but at the same time when we all start to go through this we really don’t know a whole lot of things about who we are. It’s all Images, those lives we once led, not anything of substance really.

Kind of like our old or otherselves were a movie, one we had watched over and over until we knew it line by line and hated it. Then we start to transition and we’re given the book to read instead and it’s nothing at all like the movie. There’s similarities but it’s really not the same and we all have to start at the first of the book not really knowing what the real story of us is going to be.

I just hope like in many cases my book is better than the horror movie I was living.

I’m just getting out of the shower and finished drying my hair in my underwear when Tay comes up with breakfast for us. He sets it up in one of the empty rooms and put down a blanket and pillows and we have a breakfast picnic. We eat these really nice omelets and a fruit salad with strawberries and orange segments and melon with just a bit of honey and that coffee he made for me when we first met. We even listen to some music he had downloaded while reading the newspaper together and even cuddle up on the floor doing the crossword puzzle (My first one ever.) And we just talk about what we’re going to do this afternoon. Its 12:22 so I guess I’m/we’re having brunch.

We decide on getting things set up here in the apartment and he’s got some things that he has to prep for us to use during the week. So we get organized and move things around and before long I’m busy and dirty scraping away old paint and plaster off the walls in the extra rooms while he’s making home brined corned beef and is baking bread and organizing the stuff we bought for the diner in the storerooms and all those things he’s got to do while he’s giving me permission to really try and make the apartment more of an us space than his space.

Wow, it’s got this really weird dreamlike playing house like kind of thing to it and there’s part of me that’s kind of feeling like it’s a dream. We meet in the middle on the second floor, I’m washing everything I can get in the laundry and Tay actually takes me up on the gravel topped roof where he sets me up a couple of clotheslines so I can hang out our bedding both his and what I have of mine. I especially treasure these two old but hand made quilts that Nona had made for me.

We take a break from things on the stairs him with a iced tea and me with a V-8 and we share a tuna wrap sandwich with I don’t know what in it but it’s very good. We excitedly talk about the things we are doing and even spend a good ten or fifteen minutes kissing and necking. I don’t notice until I go to use the bathroom but I got a hickie out of it. It makes me grin like an idiot like I’m wearing my first girl scout badge. I’m that proud of it.

I guess it’s close to 5PM and I’m taking down the laundry from the clothesline when Taylor comes up behind me and kisses my on the neck some more. “Hey you.” He says as he squeezes me.

“Hey you.” I say back as I lean into him.

“How about I finish this and you go get changed?”

“Changed?” I turn my head up and around to look at him. “Why do I need to change?”

“I thought I’d take us out for a bit someplace.”

“Tay…I…I…might not pass…I mean there might be people who’ll…”

“Nobody said anything last night.”

“That was the middle of the night.”

“Nobody’s said anything here Jenna, trust me most people won’t have a clue.”

“My chest’s kinda too small, I don’t have any hips, my shoulders are too big, my…” Taylor interrupts me just as I’m winding myself up to a crying my eyes out over just how not a girl I am. It’s a kiss at first, a forceful one to shut me up. You know that kiss that makes your eyes widen involuntarily. “Jenna, I didn’t see some boy in a dress when we first met. I saw a half drowned skinny chick with raccoon eyes, but nothing I’ve ever seen from you then or since says guy.”

“Really…(sniff.)”

“Yeah, really.”

“Thanks Taylor, it’s just that. I’m still not really sure that I’m really…good enough.” I can’t help it but the tears spill out of my eyes, There’s that nagging hurt, that little voice I’m sure that everyone like me has and always will. Saying things like they’ll hate you, they’ll know, you’ll never measure up, never, never ever be real, be good enough…

Those few tears become a hormone fueled flood and I cling to him as I cry really hard about my fears, and all the nasty things that everyone’s ever said to me or that I’ve ever said to myself bubble up. This happens, and honestly things have been going too well. I’m not used to being happy and there’s this tension of waiting for that other shoe to drop finally just overwhelming me.

Tay, is Tay and he just holds me, he kisses me no matter how red eyed and blotchy I get and strokes my hair and is so caring and so gentle. He doesn’t go all gung ho guy and try to fix what I’m going through. It’s my feelings and you can’t fix those just support me. Like any other woman, I don’t want my feelings fixed I want to be listened too. I need him to know my heart. It’s Taylor, of course bit’s exactly what he did. He’s the most beautiful and perfect guy I know and of course he’s dying. He’s just not going to be there one day and he’ll just…he’ll just stop.

That sets me off bawling for another thirty minutes before I get a hold of myself and tell myself that he and I just don’t have the time to waste with me wasting time crying and stuff. Wasting time that we could be doing anything and everything under the sun. I wipe my eyes clear and kiss him back as hard and deep and as passionately as I can. I break it with a smile. “Okay…okay, If you think I can do this I’ll try, we’ll go out.”

He smiles at me. “Jen I know you can do this, now you go and I’ll finish up here.”

“Okay, uhm Tay…what are we doing?”

“I thought go out for a late dinner and maybe a movie. I’d just like to eat something not cooked in the building, and get out for awhile.”

“Okay..sounds good.”

I leave him to go and finish the laundry and I get out my clothes a nice pair of black slacks and a really dark, dark green v-necked sweater, some nice underwear in a light blue trimmed with white lace edges I have a nice pair of boots that’ll go with this.

I’ve been crying so I use a trick I read and just put on a little cold cream before getting into my shower. I wash and shampoo, condition the usual stuff and use a cream to get rid of any hairs I don’t want on myself. I do that actually before I wash so I’m all exfoliated when I go to moisturize and then powder myself until I feel silky and satiny smooth then a bit of perfume that has this really mild lilac scent to it with a bit of lavender and a light shot or two of secret body spray.

I’m doing my make up when Tay say’s from the other room. “Jen I’m going to go and get the truck cleaned up before we go out okay?” I smile. “Sure Hon…I’m still painting my face and got to do my hair yet, I’ll be awhile.” I called him Hon…I’m smiling and feeling pretty good as I’m trying to get myself as ready as I can to be really out someplace. Tay turned on the tunes he downloaded for our breakfast picnic before he left.

***

Taylor-

I smile at how happy if nervous Jenna seems. I don’t get why I fell so in love with her so fast and really I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I love her. I know she’s not born a female but that’s just a detail. Just a stupid little detail. Yeah some people might argue the point but they haven’t lived my life. They don’t close their eyes at night and think this might be it…They aren’t living on borrowed time. Until they do they can’t know. There’s really a huge amount of stupid in the world.

But enough about stuff like that. I grab my digital camera and my baseball bat. And then leave out the back. I walk just a ways away and see the beat up grey ford bronco right where I thought it’d be. Yeah the same guy’s there too.

I noticed the tail when I got Jen out of her place. He’s been following us, ever since. I can spot a tail pretty easily. I was quite the little bastard when I was younger and in and out of Juvy a lot. I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of but when you lose both parents and are stuck with an old uncle who can’t keep up with a young kid who’s angry at the world. I was in a street gang when I ran away to Toronto. All my street tattoos are real, and earned…

I take a picture of the side view of his bronco and the real plates , then cross over to take a picture of the front by way of the passenger side. He’s surprised at me suddenly being there and I takes several flashing pictures of him too holding his camera with his big camera and it’s long lens. He’s looks like he might do something but the flash has him startled and I slide my camera into my sweatshirt pocket and take out his drivers side door window with a two handed swing of my baseball bat.

He lets out a yell and starts to freak out and I reach in right through the window and pull him right through the window onto the pavement. I don’t say anything as I boot him in the head and then three times in the guts. I take his camera and the memory cards and his camera bag and the other camera cards in there. He’s swearing and coughing trying to get up. I turn and kick him in the balls. He rolls away from me and starts to puke.

I open his glove box and start to take out his papers and my camera. I take pictures of them.

“You. Mother fucking bastard I’ll call the cops.” he gasps.

“You go right ahead, dips hit. I’ve got pictures of you following me and Jenna all week or trying to.”

“So, it’s my fucking job.”

“You’re job?”

“Yeah I’m a private investigator.”

“Who hired you?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

I step sideways and smash his really expensive camera with a golf like swing of my bat.

“Hey, that’s fucking expensive!”

“It’ll be your head next.”

“You’re fucking crazy!”

“Yeah. You know who I am?”

“Yeah, I looked you up. “

“You know my record?”

“Yeah…”

“You know my medical history?”

“Yeah…I heard about it…sor..”

“They you know what I’m capable of, you know what I’ve got to lose.”

He gulps.

“Who hired you?”

“Vs James Morgan.com.”

“And your contact with them?”

“Troy Mathews.”

I kneel in front of him and shove my baseball bat under his chin. “I know who you are, that means I can fucking find you no matter where you are asshole. You’re going to quit this job. If you don’t I’ll fucking kill you got it?”

“You can’t do this?”

“Really, I’ve got a brain tumor, I’m pretty sure with some fancy lawyer talk I can get off because my condition made me unstable.”

“But…”

“Look, you made her life a living hell by doing this shit. They’ve not stopped harassing her ever since they came out and really if It doesn’t stop you’ll deal with me, and everyone who owes me a favor. And even if there’s anything left after that Jen can sue you and have you charged for being an accessory to a hate crime.” I look him right in the eyes and hold him with my stare. “Now you tell me Richard Douglass is any of this really worth it?”

He shakes his head no.

“Smart move. Call around, tell the other guys that this is a toxic job, whatever you need to but I see another one of you assholes around I’m coming for you.”

“But..”

I silence him with another hard stare. Then slowly stand up and move away. “Get the fuck out of here.”

He’s not long pulling away his tires squealing as he gets the hell away from me as fast as he can. I know I was violent, I know there tons of people that would never agree with what I just did but It’s not about me. It’s about Jenna and keeping her safe and happy.

The people who hired this guy, the ones that hate her and have been finding her and making her life a living hell have set the mood as far as dirty pool is concerned. They chose the kind of game they wanted to play. It’s too bad for them I’m good at it.

I love her, Jen’s still here. She’s still here when everyone else would have bailed a long time ago. She held me like nobody ever has and sung the pain and suffering away. She’s brave enough to be with me and to have the guts to be herself and to love me.

She’s all I’ve got.

I thought for the longest time that I’d die before I’d ever find somebody who’d just love me. It’s the worst kind of hurt I know. The loneliness was worse that the worst pain storm in my head, the pain is just that pain but being alone, knowing or thinking you’re always going to be alone cuts right down to the soul.

She’s the best thing in my life and I’m not going to let anybody hurt her.

I take a few minutes and then clean up the area a bit. Then I go out back and turn on the stereo in the truck and wash it, polish it and then use armor-all inside of it and febreeze the upholstery and put in a nice blanket on the seats and tuck it in and fix it there with some heavy safety pins.

I took about an hour, plenty of time for the cops to come for me but they don’t show. I guess he got my message. I smile and head upstairs to get changed and showered. I put the memory cards into the safe in my office and I’ll look at those later.

***

Jenna-

I’m just putting on the fishing touches to my make up and hair and just primping in general when Taylor comes in and smiles at me as he fishes through his closet for some things and walks into the bathroom backwards. “Wow Jen…You look amazing.”

“Really?, I was thinking about wearing a dress but I don’t have anything in a dress that’s for uhm going out. I never really though I would be.”

“Well that’s easy enough to fix, and it gives you a reason to got out shopping for some more things.”

“More?!”

“Yeah, look I might be a guy Hon but I know there’s a lot of girl stuff you kinda of need and should have that you never had a chance to get, or have given to you or afford.”

“But..”

“Yeah you got a real nice butt.” he’s grinning then closes the bathroom door to get cleaned up himself. I listen to our music, I listen to our song…we have a song…and wait for him. I can smell that smell that makes me shiver sometimes. Freshly showered guy and shaving cream and aftershave. It’s a visceral scent for me, pleasing like fresh coffee, or popping popcorn, or the smell of a pipe, or leather, fresh tilled earth, or fresh sawdust. I know I love the weirdest things…

Taylor comes out of the bathroom in nice but old cowboy boots with a grey on black patina. He’s wearing nice and pressed black dress pants and a snakeskin? Belt with a celtic cross belt buckle, He’s wearing this steel grey dress shirt not buttoned all the way up just one button loose from the top and one of those black dinner/suit jackets with the collar band but without the lapels kind of like one of those really fancy ones. He’s got a matching celtic cross necklace on a steel chain and his light blonde hair is brushed out lose and gleaming. I feel my breath catch in my throat and my heart is crying. I’ve…I fall for him completely right there and then. Bam, head over my 2 inch heels.

He’s a total gentleman as he takes me down the stairs to the truck and opens the door for me. There’s a nice bouquet of flowers on the seat he gives me with a kiss and then helps me into the truck. It’s really cleaned up and a nice shine on everything and smells nice.

We drive to a place called the Wildflower and we’re given a table. We order and the food is really pricey, but Taylor is ordering stuff that’s quite expensive. The food’s mostly French and I order a French onion soup because it’s one of my favorites soups and the house special salad with edible flowers in it and Taylor gets us both a dish with duck breast and herbs and something called fois gras? It’s a great meal if not really rich especially the duck and stuff. I liked it but I’m really inexperienced in what’s out there. Desert is a pair of Yorkshire puddings filled with this lovely custard that has this sauce over top of it that’s just a bit of butter with white truffles shaved into it and flamed Irish whiskey and touched off with a little bit of creame and shaved dark chocolate as a garnish. They said it was called a Worthington a dish inspired by the Boston cream doughnut. It was a similar to that as a Kia is to a Ferrari. It was easily the best meal of my life. The service was grand and both the staff and Taylor treated me like a real lady. I felt like a princess.

To even top that off the chef herself came out hearing that this was out first date and my first time out at a fancy restaurant. She gave us a plastic box with four of those puddings and the fixings to have cuddled up at the end of our night. And she even said they were on her. I couldn’t help but to hug her. I keep meeting people like her and that kid at Wall-Mart that just let me feel like there’s good things in the world still.

Taylor…looking at him makes me believe in miracles.

We head out and just go for a nice drive. Our dinner must have been pricey because he used his charge card but left two twenties as a tip. We drive up around the park and the riverside before going to one of the downtown theaters to catch the 10pm showing we decide on that Charlie St. Cloud movie and he’s getting our tickets while I go to the ladies room more than a little nervous and scared just being there and use the toilet and I’m just getting my kit out to touch up my make-up when I heard voices chatting but there’s one voice out of the three I recognize.

It’s Ingrid….