Chapter 7

I grab a towel covering my bits as Holly stopped suddenly and short like seeing me naked was like a cliff she was just saving herself from falling off. I swear she stopped so fast I almost seen her arms wave around. I can’t help but blush and hang my head in shame as she stops short and stares at me.

I can’t help but cry, turning away from her and fastening the long towel around myself. “I’m sorry Holly…I’m…” I pull my arms up and hug myself and I’m having flashbacks of Ingrid and being outed and…and losing my best friend. The shakes hit and I’m crying and I can see things going bad. “Holly..?, Please, please don’t…hurt Tay, he’s…he doesn’t need to be..”

There’s a hand on my shoulders. Holly takes me and turns me around and does that stoop down to look up at my face through my hair. “Oh honey, I’m not gonna hurt you or Taylor.” She hugs me and pulls me in and holds me tight as I cry on her shoulder. “Jenna hon, why’d you think I’d hurt you guys?”

“Experience, I guess.” My voice is shaky and sheepish.

“Come here.” Holly leads me over to one of the benches. “C’mon tell me about it sweetie” she brushes my hair out of my face and takes some tissues out of her shoulder bag.

“I’m not…I wasn’t born a girl. I didn’t even know like a lot of other people do. I suppose I’m lucky I wasn’t trapped in a body that wasn’t really mine for that long.(sniff)It’s just as long as I can remember back then I felt disconnected, there was few things I ever did in my life that ever seemed to touch something inside me. (sniff) I had been with a girlfriend and tried on her underwear..(sniff) I loved it, I was hooked but I thought it was the kink, I was feeling something for a change. It lead from that to other things and to finally me cross-dressing one night at home alone. I looked in the mirror and saw me…Jenna and I felt everything…For the first time in my life I felt alive. (sniff) I didn’t even realize how much pain I was in until then. I couldn’t let go of this, It grew and grew on me until I had to really try and do this…Be me or try to be me. I asked a girl to help me, to teach me the stuff I didn’t know. I thought she was one of the coolest girls in our school, one of those indie rocker drama types who everyone thinks is a lesbian but wasn’t but she’d probably be cool enough to be about people to be bi. Ingrid wasn’t somebody I’d date but she was kind of my heroine.”

Holly smiles. “She sounds like she was pretty cool.”

I grimace and wipe my eyes and nose. “In those days, Ingrid was awesome. Once she got on board she really became the sister I never had, she was my best friend in the whole world. I loved her and I would’ve died for her…Then she outed me.”

Holly stiffened. “The bitch did what?”

The tears start to flow again as I close my eyes remembering. “She took pictures so we could look at what we really needed to work on. She took those photos and put them out on the internet on F-book and Me-space and everything in my life came crashing down.”

Holly held me by leaning on me being the mom that she is soothing me by rubbing my back. “Your friends and family deserted you, right?”

“No, they attacked me.”

“They what?”

“My friends, They turned on me faster than a rabid dog. I was really successful before…star quarterback ever since peewee football, good marks without trying too hard, even getting into my last years as a high school junior I had scouts checking me out. I could get away with anything, had anything or any girl I wanted. To them I had the perfect life…I never knew there was so many people who hated my guts. They turned on me so fast…the calls started coming in so fast…It happened on the weekend…I guess to trap me into having to face the entire school…”

The memories start coming hard and fast and my hands move unconsciously to rub at some of the scars from my stepfathers belt buckle. I think Holly clues in and notices because she slows at rubbing my back. It’s not so bad but it’s still a mess with scars left over from the time… “My mother and stepfather found out from…I don’t know, somebody called them and they freaked out…my mom totally turned on me because I’m somekind of monster in her eyes and according to her the eyes of god. My stepfather locked me apart from her and later came in really, really drunk and he beat me with his belt and buckle and even lariated it around my neck when he raped me…like a choke chain on a dog…”

There’s more tears, I’ve never really told a lot of people about what’s happened to me. I’m crying on Holly’s shoulder this time and I didn’t even notice Njinda come in and sit on my other side and hold me too. It takes me awhile to get calmed down. I shoot Nin a look, kind of scared. She smiles at me with that big beautiful African smile of hers. “Jenna, I know, I’ve known from the first day I seen you. There’s too much you don’t know about bein a girl.” I can’t help but lower my head. Holly gives me another squeeze “Hey that’s a good thing in your case girl.”

“How can me not being a girl being a good thing?”

“Hey, It’s not what we said. You’re a great girl it’s just you don’t know all the stuff you’d have learned if you were born that way.”

Nin nods her braids accentuating the movement. “Exactly Jenna you haven’t learned enough to be a right royal bitch yet.”

That set us giggling and laughing breaking up the tension. It’s such a relief to have them know and not give a damn about not being like them. We get into our suits and I wear a two piece, I’ve really lost a lot of uhm, size since going on my blockers and my HRT meds. I very, very rarely get that excited so most of the time I’m pretty well able to be pushed flat down there. My bathing suit is not too skimpy and has a hidden tighter built in lycra liner. I got it online, and It’s done and does wonders for the way I feel sometimes.

Despite the time we wasted for the guys going through my latest emotional rollercoaster and the three of us come out changed and our hair and make up fixed. And just stopping long enough to slather on some lotion. It’s late in the day but it’s 2010 and really if you don’t use spf you’re asking for trouble with the UV index and all.

Tim’s in the water playing with the kids and Davey, Billy and Taylor are just hanging out as the grilling is going on. We get a couple of drinks and settle in with the music playing. Taylor’s grilling while Billy and Davey are tossing around the football. Their form is terrible, they think it’s good but it’s a backyard throwing style, not really that accurate. I loved the game back then, it’s why I was good at it. Out on the field my life was simple and everything was clear. I never experienced things that way until I became me.

Grilling is a personal thing and it’s very regional too for the most part. I’ve got step-cousins in the southern US down in Arkansas. There it’s sweet styled BBQ with lots of slow cooking, in the more northern states it’s sharper and more vinegar based stuff. I’m not sure of all the differences with smokes and rubs but we’re just more or less having a cook-out.

Our packet of onions and stuff get’s put on the coals just off the direct heat. With them is the baking potatoes and we put on hot dogs for the kids. I like them too but I just can’t go the massive amounts of ketchup they put on theirs. I like the basics, a little ketchup, mustard and a bit of relish. I have one and help feed the kids. It’s amazing how much of a handful they can be. I don’t mind a single bit as soon as Molly calls me Aunt Jenna I’m done. They called me Aunt Jenna and I look at Holly just to be sure. She gives me this grin and a thumbs up and my heart melts. Aunt Jenna…I love the sound and the meaning of that…Tay cooks our steaks up with just a rub of oil on them so they don’t stick to the grill and lots of salt and fresh ground black pepper on them. There’s a lot of great ways to do steak and I grilled a lot with my step-dad and there were team BBQ’s but this is beef country, Alberta beef is well loved all over Canada and other places. But this way is one of my favorites very plain but well seasoned and Most importantly done to the right way. I’m a lightly rare girl, just enough time on each side for good grill marks and it’s perfect for me. I don’t eat a big steak, but I love a really good steak. A vegetarian I’ll never make.

We even hang around a bit after it gets dark swimming and playing Frisbee and even cooking roasted marshmallows over the remaining heat of the coals. I caught a bit of the waning sun with the girls while waiting after eating to swim and the guys watched the kids and talked about their stuff.

We left heading for home of course with the kids wanting some ice cream once they seen a Dairy Queen as we were driving. Yeah we stopped mostly because of them but then again. I’m a sucker for some of the stuff they have there too. I get a brownie buster parfait oozing with the hot fudge, and apparently I’m not alone as both Holly and Nin get one too. We even clink our cups together and have a shared hot chocolate fudge foodgasm. What was really cool was while we were inside Tay took tin foil and wrapped up some of our towels in it and used the heat of the engine to warm them up while we were inside. So we got to sit on the back of the tail gate with these warm towels under us and draped over our legs as we ate our ice creams in the parking lot in our bathing suits.

I almost felt that I was just seventeen at least for a few minutes.

Then the radio started to play a familiar tune that Tay turned up. He came around and took me by the hand and pulled me in my bare feet out into the parking lot and we danced again to our song. “Kiss from a Rose.” by Seal. It was sweet and really romantic and Holly and Nin were all smiles after we were done. I’m really satisfied as we drive home. I’m eating my ice cream with my knees up braced against the dash as I really enjoy the feelings. I feel a lot more stable in life right now, safer, loved.

It’s and early night for us compared to the ones we’ve been putting in lately. We open back up tomorrow and it’s a busy place. The guys grab their stuff and pack up the laundry and the bread and things. Davey is helping Njinda, I think they make a cute couple. I bit jungle fever, not because she’s black but Davey is very blonde nordic boy, very white. It’s still cute though. They’re doing that flirty stare and blushing thing a lot right now. We all hug and then In head upstairs.

Oh…wow…The guys really didn’t mess around. All the plaster is done and the walls have been primered and painted in all the unused rooms. There’s even this routered edged stained wood trim that goes really well with the brick work.

The biggest thing is our room. They put in an archway between it and the room next door. In our room they moved our bed into the new section and our in tables, and a bookcase along with some pictures and our rugs and stuff are all moved along with Taylor‘s tall dresser and a small stained wood set up for the stereo and sound system along with the CD rack and a turntable to go with a nice big library of records. I’m going to try to listen to some of these. I’ve never actually listened to a real record before. In the old part of our room the closet is bigger now and takes up the bulk of the wall beside the bathroom. On the wall beside it is a triangle shelf set in the corner, and beside it…it’s a vanity…or a dressing table our something but it’s this big old desk with the wood having been painted over at some point and it’s now this pink white result of badly mixed house paints that somebody had done a long time ago. There’s flowers and vines and roses decorating it like somebody had tole painted the thing. It’s very ugly really but so beautiful if you can get that. I mean it’s here and it’s mine…I’m crying a little as I run my hands over it. There’s a big mirror mounted on the wall behind it and my things are nicely set up on them…along with a little teddy bear on top of a wrapped present holding a red construction paper heart that says “open me.”

I sit in the office chair a nice comfortable one I can make myself pretty in and with tearful eyes and shaking hands I open it up to reveal this jewelry box. It’s really girly in plastic pearl pink white and it goes with the desk. I lift the lid to see Cinderella and Prince Charming holding each other and they start to twirl like they’re dancing. The music is “Open arms.” by Journey…I sit holding no hugging the wrapping paper and the bear to me as I watch them dance around and around to the music. Once it’s done playing it starts up again. I spin in the chair heart in my throat, tears in my eyes.

“Oh my god Tay, this is the most beautiful thing in the world!”

He’s right there beside me and tilts my chin up and looks at me with so much love.

“Not even close Jenna, that’d be you.” Then he kisses me like he did last night at the movies. I really feel like Cinderella these days.

I’d like to say we made mad passionate love all night but RL (real life) often prevents stuff we’d love to do. We do shower the lake off of each other and in the shower we kiss and touch and marvel in each other. He does pay lots of attention to my girls and me to his happy man but it’s all hands and even when he soapily get’s me to my happy by so much attention to my breasts and I him we leave it at that and we kiss and cuddle drying each other off and play for an hour or so playing and touching and kissing, lots and lots of kissing before we cuddle up into each other and fall asleep in each others arms.

Monday morning comes way too early after such a busy weekend. The girls are happy and we’re having fun and we’re all kinds of excited as I yank the girls upstairs before opening to show off our new room and my vanity desk and my jewelry box. I’m tearing up again but bouncy happy and it takes both me and Holly awhile before we spot Njinda’s glow this morning. We talk all the way downstairs and at work as we talk like, well like three girls. It turns out Davey had not just drove her home but took in all her things and was sweet as could be with her mother and her two little brothers. It turns out they have a date planned for next weekend. All of this makes the morning rush just fly past.

We settle in for the clean up and get ready for the lunch crowd stuff and I head up to the office and make my calls. It takes me an hour and I get an appointment with Dr. Matt Clarke the leading specialist in oncology at the hospital for the U of A (University of Alberta.) I get appointments for myself in the therapy department and one for Dr. Linda Fine who is a doctor with a good reputation for nearly specializing in transgendered medicine. I go down stairs and kiss him. “I got our appointments set up.”

“Our appointments?”

“To see the doctor about your cancer.”

“Oh…Yeah, okay…” I can feel him tense up under my fingers.

“Hey, you said you would.”

“I know what I said.”

“Tay…”

He turns away from me and heads into the walk in cooler. I feel this lump in my gut from the way our talk just went. I wipe away a few tears and I burn my eyes a little because I had just handles some sliced raw onions and got the juice in my eyes just now. It get’s my upset and angry enough with myself and him and really the whole situation.

I’m a little terse and short with the customers before I can’t take it anymore and stalk into the walk in. Taylor is in there and he’s actually beating on hanging pig like it was a boxing bag. There’s some stuff knocked over and spilled. “I think the poor pig seen enough abuse at the slaughter house.”

“You...you’re still here?” It’s angry, almost an accusation. It hurts.

“You kicking me out?” I shoot back.

“……….”

“Tay…?” oh shit I’m getting scared.

“……….”

“Taylor…”

“……….”

“Okay…I’ll…I’ll start pa..packing…”

I turn and leave and run up the stairs crying. I should’ve known better, I should’ve known! I mean it’s me who the fuck would even think about loving a freak like me! Everywhere I look I see things I love and saw as what might be my future…It was all bullshit, just lies and lies and fucking lies I told myself to paint me this image of the kind of life I thought might have been possible.

I can’t take anything here.

I just can’t take it.

I run.

I tear off downstairs and Taylor tries to stop me but I fake left and roll past his side and I’m passed him and running out the back of the diner and running away from everything I have ever had down the street.

I’m out of shape and that’s been on purpose but I’m still in good shape and I know how to run, I’m trained to run when being chased. There’s old reflexes that have taken over for me at this point. I keep hearing Taylor running after me. I can hear him yelling.

“Jenna!”

“Wait dammit!”

“Jesus Christ will you wait!”

I hit one of the main streets and just crazy and not caring if I lived or died I run through the traffic. I cross the grass divider and I’m halfway acrossed the next lane of traffic when I hear the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard.

The screech and scream of tires and the long sound of somebody leaning for dear life on a horn and the Tay screaming “Jenna!”

I turn in a blind panic not wanting to see what I knew I was going to see. I mean this was where I really lose Tay right?

I see Taylor staring at me as I get struck.

There’s the sound of crunching.

Then everything goes end over end into darkness.

I smell blood.