Images 61

Chapter 61

*Before…

And it’s helping too really even slipping into the bathroom to get ready for bed and being intimate. Sure there’s things that I wish were done and all but looking at it like this getting clean and getting ready and so it’s really just a thing that I have to do that only has some of what I’m about.
And after all of that it’s about me, completely non-standard me and all…naked and leaning in the doorway and Taylor looks at me and there’s that smile, that same sweet guy smile and he opens the bed sheets for me.
“Hey beautiful.”
It’s really nice to not feel like he’s talking about someone else and yeah I blush a little, bite my lower lip some and head over and slip into our bed.
“Hey Handsome…” and I kiss him really deeply.

*And Now…

I’m shy doing this and I think that I might always be shy slipping into bed with him but in that slipping into bed naked with Taylor thing. There’s so much horrible body image stuff that we have to fight all the time as women and I am no stranger to it either.

So it’s shyly smiling as I slide into bed with him doing that little sort of lip bite as we’re kissing and then Taylor touches me creating this whole really great shiver wave through me.

It’s so much better and more than being hugged.

Don’t get me wrong I love hugs and I am a hugger but at the same time there’s just something that is so really intimate and needed with intimate contact and being touched.

And not sexual bits but just touched, touched in places and with frequency that you don’t get outside a realationship.

It’s something so very needed to be touched, to feel wanted in a very real way outside of the sex stuff.

But even better when it does lead to the sex stuff.

We’re being quiet which you have to do with others in the house and you have to do with little ones in the house but it’s still really good, great even and there’s touching and there’s kissing and Taylors touch to my breasts which are actually very much a powerfully erotic region for me. I’m sure it’s an age to hormone thing more than an I have breasts thing because I’ve actually had them for quite a while now almost since I was kicked out of the house.

Most of the time they’re just breasts. Well they’re not just breasts they’re my breasts and they do a whole hell of a lot to help me see myself in a way that is right to me when I look in the mirror.

Most of the time…not now because of his touch, because of the feelings I’m experiencing with the rough calloused nature of his hands on my skin and the heat in those hands…they seem so much hotter than mine and the ow-yayness of the way that my nipples crinkle and then they expand as they start receiving all these great sensations and then there’s Taylor’s talented mouth and lips and even grazing teeth.

My hands are busy too feeling his body up too, I’m straight. I like men; I love one man in particular and even sort of having been there once in my past it really does not keep me from marveling over the differences between us. I love how strong he is, and all of that muscle he has and that when I touch him it’s all so hard and big and firm and hot and that’s not his sex parts either though I can feel that getting rock hard too as we’re doing things to each other…like I love this whole part where I kiss him and I’m on top and I’m holding myself up a bit with a grip over his biceps and as we’re necking his hands are cupping my breasts and I’m pressed right into his hands but my hands are feeling all of that power that he has there in his arms and honestly it makes me want him.

His arms are something that’s erotic to me…great shoulders and good arms…on a man are very sexy.

Enough that when we stop that I slide down his body trailing my nipples over his skin making him shiver and I’m kissing here and there and biting too…and I do this soft sort of nuzzle through his blonde fine chest hairs.

Then I go lower and lower until I’m there with a chest sort of level and I grab a hold of him and I engage in some stroking and playing and rubbing with my breasts involved and his cock.

Yes I can say the word and have it not be too dirty, it’s just what it is…I’m a grown or well mostly grown woman so I can do that. And I can do stuff like this too I’m married, and married doesn’t mean boring sexy in fact it means the sex should be better and less sort of judgey if you ask me.

And honestly I love Taylor’s reaction, his biting of his lip, the hissing suck of breath, the panting and the groans…groans that he has to stifle because we’re being quiet.

And it makes me feel sexy and special and beautiful to be able to do those things.

And it’s not some trans thing as like stuff you hear about people saying that being trans is like all about the sex.

Actually trans is closer to the reverse a lot of the time. It’s usually a long time and long term lack thereof.

But if there is a trans thing it’s a self-confidence thing, it’s me being Taylor’s wife and being able to be as sexual and sexy and all of those things that other women can be too. It’s a sex thing but it’s a sex thing in normality.

And I bring him to the edge before I stop and I wait and I kiss his navel and nibble on his abs until I hear his breathing return to sort of normal with a gasping groan and that’s when I take another few seconds more and then I go down on my and I give him a blowjob.

And I don’t know if I have said this but to me that’s a very favorite thing of mine since there’s a whole lot of giving him pleasure and there’s a degree of the whole respect and love for your husband there too. I mean it’s not and it is at the same time. I sort of don’t know really but to me it’s a very personal thing between us and never one of those things that I’d likely never do outside of someplace special or our bedroom.

And I never feel debased by it, he never-ever asks for this either which is another reason why I do it and honestly I love the power it gives me over him and I love the sounds he makes and the way he moves sometimes involuntarily and I love the way that he looks at me while I’m doing this.

He’s such a good guy too during this he never pushes, he never grabs my hair and does all that bad stuff you hear about and if he ever seems to get that urge he fists the sheets.

And there’s this expression there on his face too when I swallow his seed and there’s this whole look like a thank you but not just a thank you but there’s something like him feeling like it’s a big thing that he was worthy of that or something?

All I know is that he looks at me with love and amazement and gratitude and then I swallow and keep going until he’s squiring because of the sensitivity and he’s moving and breathing hard and then after not too, too much later he gets hard again and that’s when I come sliding up his body and reach to the bed stand and grab a piece of cinnaburst gum before we kiss again because well it’s sexy good manners to not smell or taste like that when you’re with your guy.

And it actually leads to some chewing back and forth and some sugary hot kisses too and that’s actually a lot of fun and then he rolls me over and then he’s ready for his turn inside of me…kissing and fingers first and he will kiss and suckle on my nipples which sometimes get this whole zing from whatever’s in the gum and then there’s this sort of sugary candy sort of thing that happens when the sugars in the gum get sticky on my hard nipples getting them harder and harder.

And then he’s sinking inside of my well lubricated depths.

Yes I could go into a whole lot of the gory details with this too but instead it feels good. It has always felt good really and it’s actually getting to feel better and better because we’re learning each other more and more. He’s hard and thick and he’s definitely above average but no hurt me monster in how big his cock is but it’s so much more than that.

Yes there’s part of my brain saying yes because he’s inside of me and that flicks a switch inside of me somewhere. Especially the way he feels inside of me and clean and lubed it’s this intense erotic massage that has no equal. Then there’s the power in his strokes and in his body as he holds me and moves me and gets all those great angles and places and eventually he hits this spot inside of myself that is just that spot.

I have no idea if it’s my inside male g-spot thing or if that’s even really an issue after three years of hormones but whatever he is hitting or touching even if it’s some sort of like nerve cluster or something it’s the right stuff and Taylor makes me pop with that after seven or eight strokes right there…and I’m flooded with light and good feelings and all that stuff that goes with “getting there.” Then it gets better than that too because Taylor has so much more in the tank than that and we keep making love and it’s deep as he can go and sometimes soft and gentle and then there’s times of hard and fast and hot and I don’t have the other thing to relate this too but there is no mistaking how amazing this is and what I’m doing and is being done to me or how much I love it.

And when I “get there” the second time it’s twice as good because it took longer to get me there and when I shake-shiver in pleasure I tighten up around Taylor and I feel that reach his point and feel him “get there” too and I think that takes me over the edge that extra little bit more.

Then it’s him holding me and us kissing and panting and breathing hard and sweating some and he pulls out and we wipe off with baby wipes and tying off his condom and putting it all in the garbage at the side of the bed and tie that off to keep little hands from finding a balloon or something.

I did that and Taylor reaches his arms around me and pulls me from the edge of the bed to his arms and he holds me tight as he snuggles into me.

I fall asleep feeling sexed really well and so satisfied and happy but safe and loved and smelling that scent of him and feeling his chest move as he breathes and his chest is pressed to my back.

Taylor’s arms slip around me and there’s this whole little thing where the arm that is under me slips into the space under my arm there and sort of across my under breast neatly with that sort of practiced thing that you have as a couple.

We might not stay in this position but it’s that/our default snuggle position that we usually start with.

And I love the fact that he says his arm falling asleep under me is worth it. I love the way that his other arm drapes over my side and makes me feel sort of like I have more curve of hip to waist than I do.

I fall into the deep, sweet sleep of feeling wanted and safe and free from my bad dreams that I had for so long.

People talk about eight hours of sleep, I only ever got that when I was playing football and was tired enough to sleep with the games and the practices. Most of my life between the stresses and crud that happened and just all the brain-will-not-shut-off stuff I was about a six hours of mediocre sleep person.

Now I actually get before my life intrudes in on me again a solid stress free four hours or five even or like after tonight. I wake when my face is getting kissed by Elmo and Giselle and I had a good five and a half.

I look at her and she goes. “Heee…Elmo says; ‘Goood mornin’” she does it in that excited little kid’s doing her Elmo impression I look at the clock and it’s six fifteen and I can smell good things from downstairs and from here in the apartment.

I reach out and ruffle Elmo’s head and I grab Giselle and pull her close for kisses which send peals of giggles and laughter out of her and she runs off.

“Daddy kin I has waffles!?”

I smile at that and get this sort of warm and fuzzy good feeling inside. She’s calling him Daddy and that’s a huge deal I think for all of us.

I’m slipping out of bed and wrapping the blanket around myself and I hear Giselle yell. “I helps! I helps!”

There’s some more smiles and I see Ingrid up on the couch and she’s sipping at her tea with that look of having the start of a fresh morning stone going on. I go and sit beside her.

“It’s a good morning?” I ask.

She nods doing the two handed sip. “I was exhausted enough that I slept and so far I’m actually stealing some time ahead of the pain and the nausea.” She does this sigh. “I almost feel like a human being this morning.”

I give her a light hug. “Good but later we’re talking to Dr. Clark and them about getting you seen to and seeing what other options there are.”

She gives me that annoyed squinty eyed look that cats give you when you want them to move. “You reek of het sex.”

I let go but I shrug. “Taylor and I made love last night.”

“Don’t remind me you like the D.”

I nod. “Well I told you a long time ago I’m a straight girl.”

“Well for someone that doesn’t like having a dick it’s just weird that you like getting dicked.”

I blush. “One…shush on the D-word we have little ears around and two I don’t like nor want mine I never ever said anything about someone else’s.”

She rolls her eyes and Taylor comes in with a mug of coffee for me and he has two toasted croissants for us there and he sets them down and he kisses me.

It’s long and it’s sweet and it’s this I love you kiss.

It’s that make me shiver sort of kiss too that goes on for like a full minute or like maybe two. He breaks it and he leaves saying. “Waffles will be ready in a half hour or so girls.”

I take my coffee and lean back into the couch with a sigh. “Okay, thanks for the coffee honey.”

I take a sip and it’s one half a sugar and there’s cream in it and not the usual half and half but it’s this coffee Taylor buys called Jamaican blue mountain and it’s expensive and it’s really strong too. I usually just go with whatever we got on sale but he likes this for special occasions like after we had a night like last night.

It’s just really good and Ingrid and I just sit there in similar poses and she’s looking at me, studying me some.

“You’re actually happy aren’t you?”

“Yeah, all things considered yeah even with all the stuff ahead of us.”

She looks at me. “You look happy, I think I like that look on you.”

“Thank you, I never thought that you’d go that far when it concerns Taylor and me.”

“Yeah well…I’m seeing more of the actual two of you than the idea of the two of you. And he’s not that bad a guy for a guy.”

“No he’s not, he’s pretty amazing.”

“He doesn’t seem to be all trans freaked out.”

“He’s not we’ve talked a lot about it met a lot of people like me and he’s up on things with trans people and things online too.”

“Really?” She’s giving me this look.

“No, he’s not a chaser. He learned it for me. And it’s really not about my parts.”

“Oh?”

“No, Taylor’s good with me as I am and in any way that I am. Igg last night I went to bed with him naked and while for me it was…well it’s sort of trigger for me Taylor’s that kind of guy that he makes me feel wanted and loved so much that it’s really just a surgery thing, he makes me feel…”

“Beautiful?”

“Yeah but better than beautiful, he makes me feel okay. I feel like I’m normal.”

She looks at me and she nods. “I get that, I do, I’ve always wanted that. Even without the…that effing crap that was my home life I still sort of felt trapped in being a lesbian. I didn’t ask for girls to not get out of my head and instead for them to sort of become…more.”

I sip my coffee some more and grab a croissant and tear it open. We don’t make them but we buy them frozen so you can bake then at home or for the diner but a simple buttery croissant and coffee it really something nice once in a while.

I’m eating now but saying. “You never know Ingrid, you don’t know what thet doctors are going to say or what might be tried or done and you never know who you’re going to meet.”

She makes a rude noise from her mug of tea.

“Hey, I was in a bad place too, Taylor was in a bad place too and neither one of us had any inkling that we’d happen. The world will do what the world will do y’know and what we see and understand is just the smallest thing.”

“God has a plan does he?”

“Yes, yes he does or they do. I’m not so sure that god’s that into gender.”

She gives me this look. I shrug. “If we’re made in god’s image and if that’s a literal thing or like how they see us or even the final person that we are at the end of our time then as a trans woman of faith I kind of think that yes, there is a definite plan or a direction that god wants us to go in.”

“Even with transition and the trans stuff I keep hearing that God made a mistake.”

“Not to me, god doesn’t make the mistakes we do.”

She’s looking at me. “Including my shitty life and my cancer?”

“Yes because mankind makes its own evil and yet.”

“Yet?”

“Your surviving that abuse made you a fighter, made you want to protect our daughter in a way that someone that couldn’t know that terror couldn’t do. You’re so ready to defend her that you’ll do anything Ingrid…your cancer brought you here brought us together it and it made us face things between us. I don’t think that’s chance or fate or whatever, I think its god…that god is the way that a lot of understand that whole thing out there that’s so much bigger than we can imagine.”

“I don’t believe in god Jenna, I don’t there’s too much wrong in the world.”

“I know, and I know that god knows and it’s more than just a matter of free will and things.”

“Then what? What happens that he allows this to happen?”

“Nature.” I shrug.

“Nature?”

“God built the world, is the world god has rules that it created to let things just work, to have a point in it all I suppose.”

“Well then what’s the point?”

I shrug. “Heck if I know, but I chalk up god not interfering with stuff that we do that’s evil and I call it part of the butterfly rule.”

“Butterfly rule?”

“Like that science theory the butterfly effect of like whatever. If god does stuff to fix things and stuff then it upsets the entire balance and it undermines the whole point of why life is even here, why we have hearts and souls.”

“Uhm science?”

“Even science, or like it is to me. I’m not a hardcore fundamentalist and I know in my head that there’s as many holes in the idea of belief as there are starts but I have faith still and even after everything I’ve been through I still feel that way when the things I’ve been through should have made me really feel the opposite sometimes.”

She looks at me. “That’s way too much rose colored glasses stuff for me.”

I smile and lean on her. “And that’s fine Iggy my faith is my faith and I really don’t expect others to get it. I’m just been trying to say…you never know…and there’s hope that’s out there.”

“You’re such a glass half-full kinda chick Jenna.”

I grin and reach but look at her like that can I have this about her croissant and she nods and I take it and pull a bite off with my fingers. “Yes I am and it’s milk and I come with a cinnamon roll too.”

She actually sort of snorts a little and shoves me off of her and we’re grinning at each other and it’s nice. I’m still a mess wearing a sheet and she’s a mess wearing an oversized *Hunter Valentine* Bed shirt and sweat pants but we’re like that…talking about sex and loves and serious stuff like faith and then sort of goofing off like this.

This is like it always could have been and should have been and I’m glad that I got this back.

Taylor comes in with a big tray for both of us and they smell really, really good. I look at him and he smiles. “Coconut crisp waffles and with them some lemon sauce.”

Giselle holds up one of those plastic motel/hotel coffee decanters that for some reason we have and shouts. “Lemin-sous!” followed by “I helps!”

I look at Ingrid and she looks at me and we kind of do this double mom’s thing together on the couch as my husband and our daughter serves us coconut waffles with this lovely sauce that’s hot but thinned out enough to pour lemon curd/pudding.

I love this, I love my family.