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As I lay here in my posh hospital bed, (that is if you wish to call a hospital bed posh and beautiful), I have to reflect on what life has become for me. So far as I am able to, I lay here and reflect on a lot as I lay here wondering about certain things.

It is simply amazing to me that one seems to reflect on life when we cannot move while in the hospital. For me, because I need supports to move about with range of motion 3 times a day, I have WAY TOO MUCH TIME on my hands.

God, it is hard to get comfortable let alone think without going through pain. Sure one might think that being restricted in hospital that I would have nothing to do. Now, while that may be true to a certain degree, I do have my laptop computer with me so I can continue to write in my journal, and I have books and magazines to read as well.

I do pop on to B.C.T.S. whenever I can, I do miss it, and not being able to contribute my story hurts me. I have finished the last ones and will post as soon as I can. I have known for a quite while now, whether it be through being my being stubborn and the loneliness that I now feel, that I know that my life as I know it is pretty much over. My impending surgery is now but a few days away, and I feel that it will be long and painful recovery for me.

Unfortunately, I have a sinking feeling that I will not make it to post op care. I've had these feelings in me for a long time. You see, ever since I was a kid growing up, I have I felt so worthless and weak that I just wanted to give up. I know that it is the end for me, or at least it is in my dreams that I have at night. It is a lonely time for me as I never do get any visitors, outside of nurses and doctors that is, sigh. And those that I do know are always too busy or too far away to visit me. But I guess it is par for the course as you read and watched my story “A Tragedy of the Spirit" unfolds on B.C.T.S.

The lonely feeling I possess is something that I have never really visited since I was like 6 years old. But now, that feeling has returned with a sudden vengeance. And now I wish that my life was worth more than just continual pain and anguish. Oh, how I want to live a life free of my burdens, a life where my body is not wracked with the scars of my past, nor epilepsy and MS.

As I reflect on that question I posed earlier: What Life has Become?, I guess it has become what I made of it. Sure, I suffered a lot of abuse, rape, degradation, and humiliation. I could have easily chosen to quit and I wished at times throughout my life that I had. I guess that I have become a survivor of sorts. I have relied on my street smarts to get me through life.

I have felt a failure many a time, and I have felt successful as well. I have never truly been happy. Oh sure, one says that being happy is the greatest feeling one can experience, but now I ask you what happiness have I garnered here in my life? I am hurt, I am very angry, and I am not truly happy.

Oh sure, I have endured some elation in the accomplishments I have completed: high school, university, successful legit jobs were truly an elation for me. But unfortunately, I never was able to obtain true happiness. You see, I've never had any successful relationships, with men, mind you that is par for the course as I detested men and there was absolutely no trust in a system either. Yes, I hold hate and anger towards a system that is full of hypocrites. I can and never was able to trust males; I used them for sex and sex only while I degraded my body to survive.

What has my Life become, now it is laying here while I await what is next, I look out at the blowing wind as it shakes the leaves on the poplar trees that are out front of the hospital. I wish I was outside. I wish that I was back doing the things I have been able to do, I have not had a visitor since I entered hospital. I guess that is my fault as I have listed it on my records that no visitors to visit. The one visitor that I'd want to come is Melanie, but she moved away. I am so stupid, so I guess; my own fate is due to my own idiocy. I sure have a lot of time to rest and contemplate.

I have placed a lot of Faith in God while I am here, I read the Bible when I can, and have even had long talks with the nurses about things. Of course, they can only listen as I bet their lives are so much better than mine. They have normal lives; they have families and kids. God, I wish I had that love!!! But I have had to learn to love myself, and I think that over the years, that I have done so. However, I still feel that life has eluded me in some regards with true love.

What has my life become with out all the things that others so richly enjoy: freedom, independence, and yes a lot of jealousy? Jealousy over what though? I am happy for the most part. Sure, I hate my life for the most part, being ripped off with having such parents and a family. But I have had my friends, one in particular, JENN who was my rock when I needed her and then some. I loved her as my sister and I guess she was my street family; my street family was a separate entity altogether, a different culture.

Life for me has become a series of ups and downs and more heartache rather than joy and happiness. I have made it what it has; I have made my life hell for me. I have not made life easy. I make no apologies or justification as to whom I am or was, before now.

My life, such as it is, has become my own, to suffer, and to enjoy that suffering on my own. My autobiography, “Tragedy of the Spirit” is my life in a nutshell. I wish that I would be able to be finished with it, but I feel that I won’t get the opportunity to finish the rest of it as it sits waiting at the publisher to be edited and printed. I have to make the final approval of everything; I hope I can get that done. I feel that deep down inside, that I won’t. It will hopefully inspire others to survive.

What life has become, only my next life will determine what that will be for me, as I await that to come. I definitely wish it to be better than the one I have had so far. I lay here contemplating what is to come next and I wrote my poem that I will post on B.C.T.S. when I know that I am done.

I know as those that read this, which you will probably think I am crazy, that I went off the deep end. I can assure you that I have not. Yes, I am ranting, I am angry as to why I keep getting the shit end of the stick. I am asking for my fricken lifetime P.H.D. I damn well deserve it by now. I am all ready there mentally. I may be suffering from a bit of depression right now, however, that is my life, and I have bouts of this and have had all through my life.

What my life has become: it has taught me that life is not all roses, life is what you make it, life is full of shit and you try and dig out from under it. There are some that get out of it sooner than others, I was given a bad shake and made the best of it. With shovel in hand I will never dig out completely. What life has been: heartache, pain, anguish and anger, with a pinch of happiness thrown in for good measure?

I sure as hell hope that when I am standing in front of God, that he says I was a child of His and that my life was not a waste. I can only hope that is what he says. Or at least I dream He says it too me.
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It is a real rant from someone whom is obviously in some distress over the situation. Now let me ask you, do you think it might be a wonderful idea for me to post something of my own reflection and memories of Melissa? I am not sure I can, I would be interested in your feedback.
Melanie