---

This is an account from my mother’s journals that I located while returning to the house that became my hell. I caution those readers that this may be somewhat disturbing. I had to write it based on what my MOTHER wrote. I did not know what she wrote prior to me finding these papers. This is over the course of many years here and had to condense it to a format that I could try and live with. It took a lot for me to post this. The pain has racked me after reading these journals from my mother.

[] [] []

May 1964 to May 1979

{}{}{}

I began to feel a closeness to my new son, Glenn. He was so adorable, red lock of hair and blue eyes. He was just so cute. I was not blessed to give birth for the number of times my husband Murray and I tried to get pregnant. Adoption seemed the best opportunity to start our quaint little family. We were deeply blessed when we were granted adoption of Glenn Dale, a cute name. I vowed that Glenn would want for nothing in life, that if he wanted to play a sport, or have a hobby, he would get it.

I totally devoted my time and energy in looking after him. I loved my baby. But, soon after, I began to feel ill very quickly. I went to the Doctor and I was deemed pregnant. I was going to have another child. I was ecstatic and thrilled. I told my husband of the news and he smiled. Our little family would increase by one. I had hoped for a girl this time as my husband had his son. I wanted a girl to watch grow up and get married. I guess that it is true that when a couple adopts, they soon have a child of their own.

I was elated that we had now a second son. Sure it dashed my hopes of a girl. He was healthy and beautiful. We named him Daniel. I proceeded to dote upon him and give him all the attention that he needed, and then some. My husband, however, began to sense a strain with the family, only more so with Glenn. He became despondent and very shy. I never paid any attention to this at all.

But, my world crashed when Murray caught Glenn in my clothes, and that changed the fabric of our family. I became a scared girl. He took all his rage out on Glenn and it would spill over to me after his rages. There were threats made to me as well as some beatings. None as severe as those inflicted on Glenn, I was helpless. I was forced into feeding Glenn small amounts of hormones, my birth control pills. I was helpless. I was lost. I was forced into protecting Daniel over my Glenn.

The abuse continued on Glenn and I took a lot of verbal and some physical abuse from Murray . Murray had gone off the wall and I never bothered to stand up for my child, Glenn. I had to protect the one that I could to the best of my abilities. Oh, I doubt that he will ever know about how I spent many a nights crying silently as I heard the abuse of Glenn and was held captive by my own fate if I did step in. I wish I could do more to protect him.

Murray beat him and then the rapes started on Glenn nightly and his body began to make subtle changes and I could see breasts developing from Murray giving him my pills. When my prescriptions ran out, I continued to give him my pills and never stopped doing it for fear of retaliation from my husband. I was scared.

Murray threatened, "If you ever so much as mentioned our family secrets in and around our town and community it will be over. I will kill Glenn!"

I could not even mention it to my friends that I had in the PTA. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Murray invited Daniel to participate in the abuse of Glenn nightly and then the rapes. I cried silently when I heard the screams and sobbing from Glenn. I was so afraid for him and for myself. I began to realize that I had ignored the cries and felt really bad. Murray grew extremely angry when ever I brought up the subject and he reminded me that " in no uncertain terms, "Glenn was not ours and had to be punished and punished he will be."

May 2 1979

This went on for years and then it came to an abrupt end the night of Glenn's birthday. His small cake and the small gifts that were given to him were absolutely appalling, however, even though I became a participant in this humiliation and demoralizing act upon him. I actually felt so sorry for him. I never told him I loved him and so wanted to hold him. I couldn't. I basically abandoned my son.

Sure he was adopted, never the less he was mine more than my husbands. I now realize that he has left here and hope he does alright. I cannot be sure though, as I was told soon after Murray found him gone. I was somewhat relieved, and yet, my heart sank. I then decided to place all my energies into raising Daniel. He became my life and would be till he grew up and left home.

All I could do was hope that Glenn chose a path of freedom, survival. As I look back now in reflection on the last 15 years. I have gone from elation to hurt to embarrassment to shame and even failure. I failed to protect Glenn. I was absolutely powerless to protect him.

July 20 1990

I still have terrible thoughts of what went on in my family’s life. I failed as a mother. I failed as a human being. Worst of all, I realize I may never see my son Glenn again. I can only pray and hope that he is well. But is he now more girl than boy? Have the pills transformed him? Is he even alive?

Murray and I recently celebrated our anniversary and we never brought up Glenn. That subject had long since dropped. He just smiles about what he did to Glenn. But myself, I often wondered how he made out while on the run as I have never even received word from him on his whereabouts. I even tried to contact Jenn this week as I often did and she never knew where he was and never said that he was ever in contact.

I knew that she knew what had gone on. She had too. Glenn was close to her as a sister would be to a sister. I guess in a sense if Glenn survived he would probably be a girl now or at least a reasonable imitation of one. His slim figure and his budding breasts sure made him look like one over the years. I feel sorry for him. I hope he is well.

I have to go into the hospital now as I am to undergo some tests for breast cancer. I hope not. I cannot dwell on what happened. I have to deal with now and what may come to my future. Danny has left to roost. He now works with the trucking industry. I am proud of him. Murray is here with me, and well, he is so caring and dotes over me now. I guess that we have a pang of the empty nest syndrome.

We still have the farm and our community. I guess if Glenn or even Danny finds this then they might read it. I hope not. I know it will hurt a lot of people, especially Glenn or whatever his name will be, if he survived. I really do wonder though if he did great. If he didn't then God will have him as I couldn't help him and I just ignored the problem. I was wrong. I know that when I die, God may have some harsh words for me. Right now, I do not care. I care about me right now.

***

I condensed a lot of this to make it readable. There were some parts of her journal that were to painful for me to write here. I am still shocked after all these years that she was herself a victim in all this. If I had only known, I still blame her for this mess especially the Hormones. I mainly blame my Father and yes I blame my brother. I have a deep rooted hatred towards them all for what they did to me. I can only portray this in the first person.

I had to as I never knew exactly what she was thinking daily and over the course of months and years that this went on. I thank you dear readers for your comments on this and the many emails wishing for backgrounds. It was done so at an emotional strain on me. Thank you.