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Badly damaged and unrepairable so I thought. My God, why me? Did I deserve this all over again? My Oh My, what next? If I was playing any type of sport that had three periods or quarters or even that baseball thing with innings in it, I was done and out for sure. I felt all used up, and ready for the trash heap. My only balm was Melanie, Jenn was not available, now, and I wished that she was.

I had to wonder as I lay in my hospital bed listening to the sounds of my beeping IV lines: When would this nightmare be over, and when would I be back at home and enjoying my own bed? Fuck! I was getting angry. I began to try and recall in my own head what made Jason flip out on me. I could not even get a clue, let alone an inclination as to what might have set him off. I guess that it was one of those puzzles that I would never complete.

Several weeks past, that drew into a month when I was paid a visit by Crown Prosecutor Angela. She stood about 5 feet 4, slim and attractive. She had wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. She introduced herself to me and then she started asking me all sorts of questions. No doubt about it, she is a real go getter.

"Mellissa, do you remember what happened to you that night? We are trying to get some indication as to what you remember so we can proceed with the charges we have laid against Jason."

All I could do was scrunch up my face and nod a defiant smile. I said,
"Angela, I wish that I could remember what happened, but you already know what I already told the police when they visited me plus what Melanie mentioned to them when they interviewed her."

Angela could only nod and then began to lay out what they were about to do. “Mellissa, I represent the Crown that will proceed to prosecute your former boyfriend, Jason. He is being charged with assault, attempted murder as well as rape. We are also charging him with DUI, Felonious assault on a police officer. We have him for lewd conduct as well."

"When is the trial?

"Melissa, I have my doubts at this point that you will be able to attend the trial. We would like to have you as our key witness, however, with the extent of your injuries, we do not think that will be possible."

"I want to be there. I want to see that asshole see what he did to me, that asshole wrecked me!"

Angela nodded, "I would highly doubt that you will be able to. I know the extent of the injuries to you and the 9 surgeries you have undergone."

I nodded and tears began to flow. I was in so much pain and I was really angry to boot. I wanted to be there in the court room when that asshole Jason got sentenced. If there was a death penalty, I would be the one to throw the switch with no remorse. They say that "HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED..." well I was that woman scorned and I was getting angrier and pissed off by the moment.

_-_-_-

It was now late July of 1993, I was in no real condition to even move about as both my legs were in traction and both my arms were in slings across my chest. I felt like I was in a straight jacket. But the doctors were doing their best to heal me. For that I am grateful, but at the time, I was bored with nothing to do. If I could, I would have studied, but I couldn't hold a book worth a damn, and even if I could, I couldn't turn the pages.

I had an eye patch on my right eye and my nose was broken. I was later told that I had both my arms; jaw; nose, legs, collar bones, elbows broken, and my groin were seriously damaged. My arms and legs were pinned by braces and my collar bones were reset. My nose underwent surgery as did my ribs and my groin. I was castrated. That never bothered me in the least; in fact, it was a blessing, in a way. You see, the years of HRT basically shrank my penis to virtually nothing.

I had been in hospital almost a full year and I was feeling depressed. When was this going to end? Melanie visited every other day. Sheila, my therapist dropped by when she could and we talked about me. Angela dropped by every other week to obtain more information from me, trying to see if there was anything I could remember. That was very little. I felt so lost. I felt so angry. I was seriously depressed and I think everyone knew it as well.

In Late September, 11 month almost to the day that I entered the hospital, I was released and sent over to rehab. My first thoughts were, 'Oh joy, just how long is I going to be here. What was next in the hell for me?' I still had the pins in my legs and my arms. So I was getting used to the realization of being wheeled around everywhere. NOT!!!!!!. How I missed my independence. How I missed my freedom.

I guess if there was a light in this darkness it was that I was out of hospital and saw trees and grass, again. The fresh air was wonderful, oh, how I missed them! That lasted about 45 minutes. At least when I was checked into the rehab facility, I had a window to see out of. I shared a room with a woman by the name of Beverley. She had been in a car accident and was now a quad. We spent a lot of time chatting and then eventually shared our 4 hour rehab time downstairs.

My physiotherapists were named Theresa, Vicki, and Mark. I immediately flipped out that I had a male as my physiotherapist. I lost it and he was sent packing. He was replaced by a young Pt with the name of Cassandra. At the time, I simply could not bear to think about a man getting that close to me, and pretty much, still am.

Now Theresa, was short and heavy set, about 5 foot 2. Vikki was tall at 5 feet 8, while Canada was in between then at 5 feet 4. I was well received and worked my ass off to get back my strength. They worked my arms first. They were the easiest I guess. And then came my legs. That was another major issue all into its own. I still had the legs pinned and braced. I kinda walked like a penguin. I sometimes laughed at the jokes that were made.

My spirits seemed to gain momentum; however, I did have serious bouts of depression. Those would last for days. I often thought that I would be better off dead. Sheila and Melanie were my angels that kept me afloat. Melanie would visit me, Jenn often called me at the rehab and we would talk for hours. She always cared for me. For that I was grateful. They all kept me from entering into a suicidal depression with their love.

Angela stopped by one cold November morning at about 11. It snowed the night before and there was a lot of snow outside. I do not think I can remember seeing so much snow in years. She walked into my room with her dark black winter coat and gloves on and she greeted me.

Angela: "Good morning Mellissa, How are you doing? I have been keeping up with your progress here and I must say I am impressed. However, I am a bit worried though that you are going a bit too fast and not allowing yourself to heal properly."

Me: “Hi Angela, I know that you may be worried and I definitely appreciate your concern. I have to do this. I have to try and fight this. I am so alone, I am so fucking mad. I want to see that prick get what he deserves. I want to walk out of here and see his face when I enter that court room. I am sure that you can understand why I must do this."

Angela: "Why must you torture yourself?"

Me: "Can you not see what I have to do? You do not know me that well. With what I have had to fucking go through. I have to get out of here."

She nodded with a scowl on her face, "I do understand Mellissa, Trust me, I do understand. I also think you need to allow yourself to heal and make yourself better and let these wonderful physiotherapists assist you in that healing. I for one can not imagine what you have been through. I do, however, know that you are human and are fallible."

Me: "THAT, I know."

Angela: "Please, take your time, Mellissa! We are going to proceed with Jason's trial. I have petitioned the court to make sure that you stay away."

I was seeing red, blood red when she said that. I got really angry. I said. "WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT BASTARD DAMN NEAR KILLED ME!! Now, I AM ORDERED TO STAY THE HELL AWAY!! FUCK THIS NOISE, ANGELA!! I WILL BE THERE!! IT JUST GIVES ME EVEN MORE INCENTIVE TO BE THERE!! FUCK! WHAY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!"

Angela: "We feel that it would hurt the case if you were there because you are so angry. You are a victim here, Mellissa. We have to protect you. We need to be able to keep you safe. This is the best place for you and you need to be here."

I was really steamed, "Fuck, Angela, where the hell do you get off telling me what I can and cannot do and what is best for me? I will tell you this, and only this. You have no fucking clue what I went through, growing up, you have no idea what I went through growing up on the streets. I have seen death, there. And I have almost killed myself because of the shit that I had to deal with, with my family. I am not some little child that you can ground, and keep me away. If I have to, I will get to the trial of that son of a bitch. That is what I intend to do."

Angela: "I hope that you do not end up showing up. I can tell you this, that if you do, I will personally have you arrested for obstruction. I will have no choice. Mellissa, I want him to pay as much as you do, I have spent literally hundreds of hours on this and I for one will not have it jeopardized. Do we understand one another?"

I only nodded my head. I knew that she knew I was upset and that I was angry. I was pissed. Angry doesn't measure in the scheme of things right now. All I could do was silently say 'fuck'.

Angela left and I was left to ponder my decisions here. I wondered how long I was going to have to endure this hell. I wondered if I was ever going to be able to walk again. I wondered if my life would ever be the same. I wondered why I hadn’t taken my life when I was younger, I definitely wouldn't have to deal with the shit and abuse on a continual basis. I sighed and wondered if it was going to be worth it.

I had no choice but to deal with what was in front of me. I was going to get out of here. Angela's talk helped. I decided that Hell hath no fury like this woman scorned... I was going to damn well make sure that hell hath no fury on that son of a bitch Jason. I was more fired up now than I had ever been. Time would tell if I was doomed here or doomed on the outside. Here I was a prisoner, outside, I had a fighting chance. I guess only time would tell.......