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This is maybe not what you think, then again, maybe it might be. You see, I never went home. I would never want to return to that farm where I had been raped and abused by those who should have cherished me. No, instead, I went back to meet with Jenn and some of the friends I knew, there. But I had a slight fear when I returned, a fear that I would run into that little creep Adam, and suffer another rape by him and his friends. I was also afraid that I would run into my 'parents'. I was frightened, actually that if they caught me, that they would either kill me, or take me prisoner. I also knew that there was no chance in hell I would go back to that hellhole.

I guess in a way I grew up really quickly. I sure had a lot of thoughts and feelings about what I was doing, and they scared me to death at
times. They were dark, and full of the bitter anger and hurt that I had suffered. Could I inflict such bestial hurt on another? Could I take the innocence of a child? Luckily, I never did, but that temptation would stay with me for years to come.

I wondered what kind of reception I would have when I went home to see Jenn. She told me I could stay with her. She had moved to a better apartment downtown with cheaper rent. She still worked at her job and was taking some courses in management at the local college, too.

When I pulled myself off the Greyhound bus at 7:A.M. in the morning, after a day and a half of riding the bus, I was tired and needed a meal. Dear Jenn, ever the sweet lady that she was, hugged me and welcomed me home, never mentioning the fact that I stunk from the trip. She said, "You look all worn out and old. I felt I was old, she cried as we renewed our friendship.

"Jenn, I FEEL old, older than you and I put together!"

She grinned, then let Momma Jenn work her magic and erase away al of those extra years."

She let me into her apartment and shooed me into the shower so that I could wash away the road filth. After the shower, I found a warm, fuzzy towel waiting for me, and underwear and a nightshirt, too.

I gained age while on the road. I sure felt like I was in my mid thirties by the time I got myself settled on her couch that night, eating pizza and simply being together. No words were spoken about my life that night, by mutual, silent consent, tonight was for us. And that night will be one of the very few nights that I was at peace.

.............

The following day, I decided to simply lounge about, while Jenn went shopping. I was still tired and looked very much like 'hell'. Trust me I felt like it, as well. After a bit of breakfast that Jenn had lovingly prepared for me, I cleaned up a lot, and did my laundry which
needed it seriously. I had stains on my skirts, jacket and tops. I also had a soaking bath, I had mentioned to Jenn if I got the gumption that I would venture to the bank. I did not as I was wakened by Jenn several hours later. I fell asleep in the tub. How stupid to do that! Now, I hurt even worse that I was when I arrived on the bus. Sheesh. I decided to talk to her about my travels.

***********

(here I will use the Initials of the two people conversing)

J: "I am anxious to hear your stories of your trips."

M: "Very exciting and very painful at times."

J: "What do you mean Painful?"

M: "Being raped, and sometimes abused by my clients."

The look on her face was somewhat pale. We continued.

M: "I traveled to five cities, I met a lot of people and I had some interesting experiences."

J: "How so?" she asked with concern.

M: "Well, I would be picked up on the corner and taken to a
secluded area and was given money. I only charged what I knew I wanted and I guess I was a cheap hooker. I would charge $20 for a BJ, $40 for a fuck and $50 for the both."

Her eyes bulged out when I stated that. She got really concerned with my last statement. I cut her off before I knew what her question was going to be.

"NO, I do not have any STD's. I got checked every week by the walk in clinics." I felt a sense of relief come over her when I stated that.

Then she asked, "You meet any rich guys?"

I told her about my seventeenth birthday experience with Tony. How he treated me, I mentioned to her about the infatuation I had with him. I told her that I thought it was more than that. I told her that I was lonely. I cried. I poured my soul to her that night. I told her I questioned my existence on this Earth: my purpose, my hope, my somewhat desires. I also told her my thoughts about ending my life as well.

She grew quite concerned and said, "DON'T you ever talk shit like that, EVER! You got out of one situation when you got the hell out of there, do not put yourself in that fucking situation again! I will damned well make sure you do not kill yourself!"

I got quiet and my tears flowed. Yes I was scared, anyone would be. I was frightened that I would lose myself in this lifestyle, my future, and my friends. (What few I had...Just Jenn now and the few I knew off the streets. I also knew I had to seriously decide what I wanted to do. Her defiance for me sparked off a part of my spirit, long denied. Could I actually become something other than a common whore?

The next morning, I woke up and left to go to the bank. You see, after every trick I pulled and every night I finished I went and put money in my bank account. I guess you could say a rainy day fund. I just was not sure when or what I would use it for. Here I was a teenaged whore with an eighth
grade education, no diploma, and no valid I.D.

I was so scared and the psychological tests had been done. I was damaged goods. I knew it. I believed that Jenn knew it as well. Mind you as I look back she never mentioned it to me. I believe that she knew I was
damaged and I feel that she knew there was no hope for me. I felt as though that I failed her, failed life in general. I failed my parents by not living up their standards. I had failed because I was a girl born in the wrong body, and when I as discovered wearing my 'mother's' dress, I became the 'family' whipping post, daily raped and abused until I ran away. I was in essence damaged and I came to believe I was not going to be fixed.

I continued my hormones and I had a good looking figure, however I was emaciated and needed to put some weight on. Not a chance! Do not get me wrong here, I was not anorexic. I just had a high metabolism and I ate what I wanted to. I did look ragged, and old. Shit! I only wish that things were different. You see, it was the time of the 80's punk rock, short skirts made a comeback, shit I was wearing them all the time. No comeback for me, they were my standard clothing options as were tight tops and heels.

I seriously began to question why I had come back here. I felt that Jenn knew there was something wrong and never touched that subject with me. I stayed with her for 2 weeks and broached the subject with her.

"Jenn, this is not for me, the rest and relaxation. I have to keep going. I would end up dead doing this for a living." I told her my fears and my awful nightmares I had since I was with her again. I never did tell her how I felt about her though. I loved her like my sister, and I guess she was in a sense. I think she knew it too, although we never talked about it.

The following Sunday, we went for breakfast at A&W and then I was off to the Wild West via the Greyhound again. To parts unknown at that time. I just went. I told her that I would call and or write. She asked me to call her and let me know where I ended up. I told her I would.

**********

I set off on my ever ending life on the road and some sort of semblance to my sanity. I do not think I had sanity or sense. I guess I failed there as well. Was my life a failure? I think it was as I look back on it then. We had a very tearful good bye at the bus depot. Oh well, I had my meager belongings. My knapsack was full of my clothes and my journal books I kept with me. I set out. SHIT! When will it be over? Will IT? NOT FUCKING LIKELY?

I called Jenn and let her know where I was I was in oil country and I tended to like the place. I got a room near the same place as I had before and, I settled in that very night, strolling the corners and bars looking for my tricks. A long night and yes a very long five months that would turn out to be for me.

Yes, I missed Jenn. I wondered as I got back to my small hole in the wall place if I would ever see her again. I hoped that she would do well and not worry about me. I somehow knew that was going to be false. I knew she cared about me. She was probably the only one that did then.

I struggled with sleep that night and the next night (actually daytime). My few hours of sleep I did get were few and far between. I was soon back into my routine, sixteen hours a day. Making money and selling my ass to get it. I began to feel I was a failure, that I was a nothing, an object of desire for being a trannie. I began to see where I had so much loss, and yet I knew this was my life and possible future. A street whore, nobody wanted and no one to properly love me. I was lost.

I looked for those few brief moments of love and acceptance while strolling the streets and it was satisfaction. I wondered if I would ever find "true love” or "true happiness" as they say. I began to believe that there was no FUCKING WAY. I was useless as a human being, worthless. I was being used and I actually loved it. I was accepted, I was cared for by the other girls and guys on the corners and in some instances there was a shred of concern from my clients. I had some serious issues. I knew it. I was hopeless.... I was defeated.... I was a loser.... A failure.... I began to believe there was no help for me. I was in hell and it was the worst kind of hell. I guess you could say I went back to the beginning.....
OR DID I............