---

NOTE: This chapter is very disturbing to me and it may to be the reader as most of my life is being dredged up in somewhat detail and some of it very graphic. Caution is advised.

============

The new day approached with a sense of dread as I entered the courtroom. I did not know what to expect, other than more of the crap that being spewed by McVeigh and Jason. The bleak day outside did not brighten my mood. The biter cold winter clouds seemed to fit the day. This day I knew for some reason was going to be hell on earth. I wondered if I would be able to make it.

I was very uncertain as I entered the ornate oak doors to court room 15. The courtroom seemed endless as I entered, there were a lot of people already present. This added more anxiety and dread as I walked in. Yes, I was finally cleared to walk again. But as much as I wanted to celebrate, I couldn't until after the trial, if even then. I felt the feeling one gets when you are on death row and walking that “green mile”. I was nervous and scared. There was no other way to describe how I felt.

I noticed that Angela was sitting down, going over her notes at the table, while Mr. McVeigh at his doing the same exact thing at his. There was a hush over the room as I took my steps towards the table. I sat and let a soft sigh out. After yesterday’s revelation and graphic details of my assault and rape by Melanie, it had a strong effect on me, too. I think it also brought home to Angela and those in the court room that day the harsh reality and sheer brutality of the abuse that Jason inflicted upon me in that short span of time.

The quiet was deafening. Then as if on cue, the court became silent as the bailiff called the court in session. Enter the impressively suave Judge Williams; he took his usual seat up on high and slanted down his bifocals as he called the court in session. He asked Mr. McVeigh, "Would you like to make a statement at this time?"

Mr. McVeigh: "No, your honor."

Judge: Does the prosecution wish to make a statement at this time?"

Angela: “Yes your honor.”

Judge: "You may proceed."

Angela: "I would like to call to the stand Melissa N.”

I stood and walked with a slow gait to the witness stand. (I have to mention here that Jason was not in the court room this day. He was scheduled for a psyche evaluation.) After I was sworn in, Angela began her questioning.

A: “Melissa, can you please tell us about your life and about your eventual association with Jason?”

Me: “My home life was hell, I was adopted at 4 and my life of torture began shortly there after, I was abused and raped repeatedly by my dad nightly and whipped by either a belt or a bridle. I was sometimes whipped with a cinch off the saddle. Or even the reigns. I was often too bloody or passed out after the beatings. I was sent to school and not to tell a soul about what went on at home. I guess my earliest memories were when I was 6 when I was literally dragged from the house by my hair and back of my shirt yelling and screaming to the barn and hung on the hooks there and whipped till I could not stand it and then passed out in release. I woke up and then I was told I had 30 minutes to crawl to the house and if I did not make it then oh well. Sissy you are never got to make it and would I'd be locked in the barn all night.

"A: "Did you make it back?"

Me: "Needless to say, I never made it to the house. These events continued daily and nightly as well. I was also given female hormones as well and told that I was to be a girl if I wanted to dress like one, then I was to be treated like one.”

A: “What did your father have to say to you the next day?"

Me: “I was told by my “father” that I had to follow his rules or pay the price. I can say I paid that price a lot. I also paid the penalty by not having a loving and supportive “mother”.

A: "What did she do, or not do?"

Me: "She ignored the situation and refused to admit to me or help me against my “father.”

A: "What did you do about thee abuse?"

Me: "I endured their abuse till my idiotic brother arrived a few years later. As I grew up, they doted on him, I became the slave and the ignored child then I started to weep.

A: "Do you need a break?"

Me; "No, The abuse continued till I left at 15. My “brother” and my “father” continued to abuse me at night, with repeated rapes and abuse and they got a thrill from it. I continued to feminize with my breasts growing and my skin get soft. I was not stupid to realize what was happening to my body. I just let it happen, because I knew if I fought it, it would get worse.”

A: “Are you alright Melissa?” Angela asked me.

Me: I replied, "I have to get this off my chest."

Me: “The holidays were the worse for me, as I was never allowed to participate with the family and never received presents nor cake or dinner. The rest of the family celebrated any holiday. It became too much for me that over the course of years I attempted to commit suicide and almost succeeded on a few of those occasions. I only wished I had not lived. I wished for my life to end. I wished that I had loving parents. I wondered why I was so different and why I could not have a family. I wanted to die. I ended up in a psyche ward for many months and was just left there."

A: “What did they tell the staff at the clinic?"

Me: "I was told that I was crazy and yet my “parents” lied to the staff and the doctors. They said that I was mentally unstable, never mentioning the abuse. How could they? I thought they loved me. I know now that they did not. My “father” continued to abuse me nightly sometimes three or four times. I was told to dress like there maid and a girl at home. I was humiliated and they enjoyed it. I wanted to die so much."

A: "Tell us about one of the suicide attempts."

Me: "There was a time where I took my “father’s” shotgun off the rack and tried to blow my head off. That failed. I considered myself a failure. I was out of options, I had no support, and I failed. I wish I was never born. I wished I was dead. I guess that now that I look back, I made a choice, however what kind of choice did I make really? “A life of continued abuse over the years after I left home.”

A: "Please continue."

Me: “There were times where I was beaten for the sure enjoyment of it to them. I was also raped in the same way. I had to perform oral sex and then have them fuck me up the ass and then get me to clean them off with my mouth. If I did not, I was whipped by a strap or punched in the stomach. I was repeatedly abused and raped. How much should a person deserve? None as I look back now. However then, it was a daily and nightly occurrence and my “mother” ignored my cries for help.”

A: And that is why you ran away?"

Me: “Eventually I decided to leave after 9 years of rape and beatings. What Jason did to me, was minor to what my bastard folks did to me over the nine years of hell I lived at home.”

A: Is there anything that you would have Jason do differently?"

Me: “I wish that Jason had killed me then, so I would not have to endure this torture session in court and bare my soul to all here. This is so unfair, to me that I cannot take this anymore!”

A; “Your honor I request a recess so that my client can compose
herself.”

Judge Williams: “Court is in recess for 1 hour, court adjourned,” he left the bench and disappeared.

I was so shaky that I had to have some assistance when I left the stand. I looked at McVeigh and he was visibly shaken. I bared my soul and I was not even on the stand 50 minutes. The jury looked stunned as Angela later told me after I gained some sort of composure. I had to try to at least maintain some sort of semblance of sanity with myself and not cracking.

All that I knew was that was going to be very hard to do. As I re-entered the courtroom to resume the testimony of my life up to that point and to my relationship with Jason and those I tried to surround myself with, I became faint and I was not exactly sure if I could carry on. I tried as I might to will any strength towards that goal. Goodness sake I needed something in order to do that.

The pressure was extreme as I had just bared my soul to the court and to those that never met me. I wondered what they were thinking. That I wish I knew and I guess never would. I sat quietly with Angela till the court resumed. Then it happened, Judge Williams returned and the court was again in session. I again took the stand.

A: “Are you willing to proceed, Melissa?” Angela asked me.

Me: “Yes I think so,” I whispered my reply barely audible.

A: “Can you please continue where you left off if you can, there is no pressures here at all and please let us know if you need a second to compose yourself.”

Me: “I will, thank you Angela and your Honor.” I began; “After putting up with 9 years of solid abuse by being raped and beaten, I decided to leave, it was after my 15th birthday. I had just been repeatedly raped by my “father” and “brother”. That was my 15th birthday present. Some present. I was so angry and annoyed not with them but myself. I wanted to kill myself or leave. Those were my options. It was about 2:A.M., I think. So, I made sure I had a few items of clothes with me. I also had what I chose to wear, which was not a lot. I opened the window and tossed my knapsack out, and then I waited to hear any noise that I may have caused them to awaken. I knew if there had been noise I would surely die right then and there. Noting that they never woke up, I jumped about 6 feet or so maybe more to the ground and gathered my knapsack and made for the trees and then I waited to see if any lights came on in the house. Noting that there were
none, I set out for the highway, about 8 miles or so away. It took me a long time to get to the highway and I started hitchhiking towards the city. A while later, a trucker picked me up and brought me to the city. I was left near a phone and I called my friend Jenn. I knew Jenn from 4H, I considered her my friend and confidant. I told her everything when she picked me up. I stayed at her place and after some harrowing nightmares and troubles and being scared, I left. I traveled and survived on the streets. Some violent and some not so. I stayed doing what I knew best and became a prostitute and survived as best I could. I was on the road for over a year and half and decided enough was enough after I saw some street friends gunned down. I came back to Jenn and we spent a lot of time talking and she introduced me to her friends, one of which was Jason. He knew from the start, who I was as I told him from the get go. I never held anything back.”

A: "Was this before the attack?"

Me: "Yes. I then reacquainted myself with him a while later and we started dating. I never expected what happened to me. I never knew he would be capable of that violence. I guess maybe it was too good to be true, that there was a guy that was interested in treating me with respect and not exploiting me. I was so fucking wrong on all accounts,” I sighed and tears started down my cheeks in a steady stream. I then said, “I wish he would have killed me that night in October, because I cannot deal with this anymore today.” Then I turned to the Judge, “Your honor, can I stop please? This hurts way too much.”

Judge: “Can you continue with a bit more? If you can we will wait till you are ready if you wish we can stop.”

Me: I answered, “I guess I can go on, and there is not much left to tell.” I was given tissues and whipped them away.

"When Jason and I decided to go for supper, we had dated since April. I was excited to go out on the town with him. I had my nails done hair done, the works and I was ready. I asked Melanie to pop up for coffee so we could chat. She left and then the last thing I remember is in the hospital. My body is so fucked up, that I know I will never be able to recognize myself anymore.”

A: What do you feel about what Jason did?"

Me: “Jason had no right to do what he did, what gave him that right? He is just like my Asshole “father” and ‘brother”, they get away with this shit. I am sorry your honor, this just fucking sucks like shit here. Here he is supposed to be on trial and I feel like I am on the gallows here. Fuck! I am pissed” At that point I lost it and passed out.

When I woke I was back in the hospital. I had an IV tube in my arm and I was hooked up to a heart monitor. I was disorientated and very confused. I began crying. I wondered if I might be dead. Then the thoughts struck me, no if I was dead, I would not have a stupid IV in my arm. Fuck! Why does this have to continue? If there was any justice, please let me die. I was later told that when I fell I went right off the stand and hit my body hard on the marble floor and I hit my head on the railings that surrounded the walls of the courtroom. Backwards, I was told.

Oh well, I wish it was harder and I died. Fuck I hate life now, and why me? Fuck that prick Jason. That asshole gets to be away while I have to tried and almost felt like I was convicted of a crime…being a victim is the crime and everyone found me guilty….fuck. I hate life now.

Angela stopped by and told me that it was going to be OK. She said that things would work out and that Jason’s lawyer would be only asking some specifics about the night in question with Jason in the court room. I was not to be on the stand till the following week. She was going to get a continuance till I was ready to go back. I thanked her. She said, I am sorry for putting you on the stand for that long. I felt that the trauma would be too great for you. I wish that I could take it back and not have you on the stand."

I told her, "It's not your fault. I managed, not well, but managed."

She said, "McVeigh was so stunned that he had a few tears when he left the court that afternoon. The jury was shocked and utterly befuddled over my testimony, but I could not read them at all."

I just nodded and she left as I fell asleep.

I guess hell is what I have to relive. I wondered how it was going to turn out. I wondered why it was all worth it. I wondered why and if that asshole would get what he deserved. I wondered if my life was actually worth it to go on. I cried for days over that. I ended up 4 days later back at rehab to continue my physical therapy. I would sure know in 4 days what that asshole McVeigh had to say to me and the interrogation I was going to put under with that fucking asshole prick Jason sitting smug faced beside him. Time was not on my side, nor my thoughts and feelings of dread………..