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I wrote this while I was back home, after reading my 'parents' journals. I had to after reading their journals which told of their love for me at first which turned into vile hatred soon after. Why they kept on hating me is a mystery to me. All that I wanted was for the hell to end. . It is a very touching letter from a son to his mom on how he feels about being a boy trapped in his body and not being able to reach his potential as a girl he feels inside. It is a letter written to my 'mother' after the fact. There is a twist, a scary one at that as an all too real reality.

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May 9th 1979
To Mom,
I am writing this letter to inform you that I am not happy being whom I am. I have to tell you that I should be a girl. I feel awful. I am scared to tell you. I feel dejected and hurt when you ignore my pleas. For the longest time I have felt different. I never get involved with sports; never participate in anything remotely having to do cars and machines. The only interest I have is reading and horses.

I am skinny and underdeveloped as a boy. I feel as though I am a girl inside and I cannot tell you how I feel cause of the reaction that you will have. I can not tell you cause you will tell dad and well he will beat me again, like he has dozens of times and all you do is ignore it. I never have friends that I can invite over for fear of rejection and embarrassment. I hurt mother. It’s something that you will never experience. I detest my body. I hate it. I want to hurt myself so bad. I have thoughts and dreams of dying and I feel that you would ignore that as well.

I have tried on your clothes and loved it. I have dreamed that we could be mom and daughter. Of course for me that is wishful thinking. I feel you hate me. You detest my existence. Your detest my presence in your company that is why you send me away each night so I am away from you and dad. I hate my younger brother; he is a thorn in my side since he was born. You shower him with love and ignore me.

Dad hates me so much that he beats me and rapes me and yet you ignore it. Why? Why do you hate me so much? What have I done too allow you to hate me so? I am only 15 years old. I am so disgusted with life that you will not allow me to be whom I should be. I hate you, Hate this life I have. I hate the repeated beatings, the rapes and the assaults. I hate you for hating me.

Those times when I thought you loved me, which was an act I guess. You never loved me. You never wanted me so why did you take me in. You shower my asshole brother with attention and love and despise me. What gives there? Why do you hate me so? I guess you will come to your senses sometime when I am gone.

Yes, Mother I am going to kill myself. Then and only then maybe you will stop to think of what you have done to me. You rejected me, you hate me now. I am going to leave so you can think of what you caused me as far as pain and hurt. I should have been a girl or never born. I hate this life. I hate that fact I cannot be who I need to be. You never talk to me. You talk down or ignore me. Why Mother, why?

I want to wear dresses and skirts and tops and date. I want everything a girl wants and yet I cannot nor will I ever get that. I want to be your daughter, your little girl, your baby, instead of that ass of a brother. I was first and I should always be first. I do not want to be a prince I want to be a princess. I want to be me.

Goodbye mother, tell that miserable asshole dad and brother to go to hell. I am going to kill myself now so bye.
Ban………g

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The reason that it is to here is that I could never stand up to him.