“Ms. Roberts, would noon to two p.m. be okay? My family will be there part of the time, if that isn’t okay, I should tell them…” Dorie Roberts handed me copies of the fashion show program I could sign if people wanted my signature.

We finished eating, and I thought my Mom and sisters were shopping quickly, but they had bought undergarments for me, three pairs of panties, and a bra. The embarrassing part was that workers at Victoria’s Secret recognized me.

Carrie announces my arrival at Hers and His Shoes. A college student looks at me and then at my family, and her eyes go back and forth. “I guess, I see why you look as well as you do.”

I look and respond, “Thanks, they’re family.”

Steph introduces herself, “I was wondering if you could help me try these shoes, or if you have other suggestions.”

Her foot looked a little smaller than average; it was 6 ½ and slender. I needed to know if they were for something special or every day. These were every day, but she was looking for heels for a special date. She had a picture of herself in the dress. Seeing her and the dress, I showed her three shoes, and from that, she chose two to try on in black or white. I brought out one of the silver shoes, and that was the shoe she chose.

Over the two hours, I talked to many customers. Two customers, along with Dorie and Carrie, agreed that my knowledge of women and shoes had changed over the past month. Steph Johnson became a repeat customer and a new friend.

My Mom and sisters encouraged me not to sign up to live in a dormitory the following year, but to seek to rent an apartment with friends. I agreed about the apartment, but I disagreed that my feminine side would be ongoing. “I’ll be taking the girl's clothes home, and we can either sell them or give them away.”

Mom says, “You’re not getting rid of them as long as they fit and look nice on you. You need more practice in doing things yourself.”

During the next week, I got a call from Bridgette, the LGBT consortium was having a meeting; I resisted but then agreed to go. Bridgette says, “I’ve been approached by family and friends who suggest you should have a hormone blocker to give you time and room to think about your transgender identity. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I want you to know I’d go with you to a doctor’s appointment if that would help.”

Before, I would have been greatly agitated if someone said anything like that. Today. It has me thinking.

With Lexi’s agreement, I changed in her room to go to the meeting. It also meant riding the campus bus system to where the meeting us. Seeing familiar faces in Raelyn and Bridgette was comforting. There are almost twenty there already, and I’m told there will be close to forty by meeting time. But then again, I’m told there are hundreds of us in the university and more in the community.

The meeting and social time are breaking up when Raelyn approaches and asks, “What did you think of the meeting and being here?”

I know I became a little emotional as Raelyn squeezed my hand. “I’ve resisted admitting I belong here. I still see myself as Nick.”

She says, “You know Kayla and others care about you and are worried.” She asks if it is okay to hug me. Doing so, she whispers, “Some of the pressures and stigma we face can get to us. We don’t want you carrying things alone. I appreciated you being nice at the shoe store. If I can be there for you, I’d be honored.”

It was a little spooky but comforting as she spoke to deeper feelings and thoughts I had as Nicole inside.

That night was the first time I walked back to my room, comfortable being Nikki. I knew Dolan wasn’t happy, and Brock was upset when he learned I was the student who modeled as a woman at the fashion show. Came back to the room as Nicole caused a temporary explosion, but we’re still roommates.

Brock said, “I have problems with you coming back dressed like this.”

“I told you earlier this week that I was in the Spring Fashion Show at the Mall. And you acknowledged it was a girl thing. This wasn’t the first time they had a guy model as a woman. And I told you my fun with Lexi wasn’t what you thought. Even my mother and sisters were here this weekend. If they’re alright with this being me, I don’t see why you should mind?”

Brock said, “They’re not a guy sharing a suite with you.”

“I shared a suite with them at the hotel,” informed Nick.

I went to my room and began changing when Lexi came to see me. Brock quizzed her, “Did you help Nick in his changeover? I can’t believe a good-looking woman like you would like that.”

Lexi responded, “Were you surprised by how good she looks? I hope it doesn’t shake you, he’s still quite a guy. You probably won’t believe the number of women he’s impressed?”

She guessed which room it was, she’s outside my closed door, knocked, and slipped in. I was in my bathroom, starting to remove my makeup. She asks, “So how did your meeting go?”

I was embarrassed to acknowledge that I belonged there. I know it's foolish, and
my eyes are red as I sit down to talk to her. “I can’t believe that I admitted to strangers that I should be there. I’m not fully a woman, but I like being one. I thought Nicole would end with the fashion show, but she hasn’t. I liked my time with you both as Nick and as Nicole…”

Lexi interrupted, “As did I with you; I think you’re a package deal. Like you, I feel a need to take time, but I don’t want you to disappear. None of us knew exactly when things changed, but I’m sure Kayla, Raelyn, Jan… and well, I guess most if not all of us.” She smiles, “Most of all, we were happy that your mom and sisters accepted you.”

It wasn’t planned, but Lexi joined me in the shower. We slept together and, except for a second shower and a change of fresh panties, Lexi left early in the morning.

I returned to dressing as Nick and resumed my classes as a student. It was nice to have a week that was kind of back to my old normal. It felt good for my male persona to come forward. I have occasionally worn a camisole or panties while presenting as Nick.

Lexi and I have been going out together more regularly, but not always as Nick. The outfit I got modeling proved a good choice to wear at the Easter Service. I went with Lexi. Easter weekend, Jan and Candace were both gone for the holiday. I took off from work on Sunday, presented myself as Nicole, and stayed with Lexi.

Lexi worked on helping me learn to do my makeup and hair. It was nice when I got compliments on how I looked, and that it was something I had done. Coming out of the church, we met another college student. She said, “Am I odd if I don’t want to eat alone today?”

It was a not-so-subtle indication that she hoped we could go eat together. Lexi was the first to give in. “We’d love to go eat, I’m Lexi Newbury, and this is Nicole Strayer, I mean Nicole Mager.”

The other student said, “I’m Lyn Miller. I’m sorry if I seem nosy, but I thought you might be Nicole from the fashion show. I would appreciate eating together. I’m far from home and not used to being alone on holidays.”

We chose an Asian eatery, hoping it might not be so full. The wait was probably shorter, but Basil’s had a good reputation. The longer we were together the more obvious it was Lyn had more on her mind. I straight out asked, “Lyn is there something more that we’re talking around?”

Lyn is surprised and stumbles over her denial at first, but then, she said, “I know a guy back home who is like you.”

I ask, “Is he someone you just know or someone you like and know well? I am not interested in talking about third parties.”

She said, “That’s it. I thought I knew Brad, but not about him being a woman. I thought it was weird to fall for a boy who likes being pretty. But then I saw you with your girlfriends.”

I said, “If you’re embarrassed about what others might think, it won’t work, and you’d not be that big of a friend.”

Lyn was ready to cry. “Touché,” she eked out.

Lexi broke in, “That’s a little rough, Nicole. Neither of us was ready to accept what was happening with you.” She turns to Lyn, “But ultimately, Nicole’s right, you need to come to terms for both yourself and your friend.”

“We find Nick and Nicole more complete as a person. He doesn’t fit many labels, but he’s someone easy for a woman to talk with and confide in.”

Lyn says, “That’s the way several girls and I felt when we were in high school. But I’m not sure how to talk to Britany?”

Lexi suggested, “If you have her number, why not call her now while you have our encouragement?”

Lyn blushed upon hearing the idea. But she took out her phone, checked her contacts, and pressed call. “Brad, this is your friend Lynette Miller. Yeah, out in Iowa. I was wondering if I could talk to Britany. …Yes, I heard; I’m sorry it took me this long to call.”

Britany was amused that Lyn found another person like her, yet different. Brit wasn’t in denial as long as I had been. She knew and accepted this part of her/at twelve. She/he started to come out as a high school senior but with very checkered results, including a hospitalization. Being transgender Brit didn’t feel she fit into the straight or gay world very well.

It was only after Lyn’s long conversation during our meal that we got to talk with Lyn. We learned she and Brad had been best friends, and their falling out. The two of them going to different universities seemed like one way to handle it. Lyn says, “We now need to figure out what to do and if moving to the other university might be part of the solution.”

“Taking one day at a time sounds best, but is not easy in this day and time,” said Lyn. “I’m not a patient person. We’ll probably both end up going home for the summer and figure more things out in person.”

It was interesting talking about a person like me. It was a reminder, I’m my person. I spent the next two weeks with Lexi or Kayla, going to classes and living as Nicole.

Ironically, to me, is that we went window shopping and bought nothing.

The only thing new was my meeting with Psychologist Jenesse Frecone. Who told me, “It looks like some new friends helped draw out a part that was already in you. You need to give yourself some room and time to find yourself. It would probably be good if you came presenting yourself as Nicole, one of the next two times.”

I, Nicole, was walking out of Communications class when Shannon, a classmate, commented to me. “I mean this in a positive way that I think I’d like to become a friend. You are attractive both as Nick and Nicole, partly because you seem to be two different people.”

On a nice spring day, we took time to walk the central campus, sat, and talked. One of the starting points for the conversation was how different Nicole and Nick are, yet complement and fill out my personality.

Shannon said, “Nick is more reflective when I hear from him in class. I think he’s shier. Whereas Nicole, you seem more outgoing and upfront with what you think.”

I said, “I think part of that reflects the women who helped me to come out and become visible. It has barely been four months; it’s like I’m a young plant blossoming for the first time. Nick has a history, where I feel like I’m writing my life on a new tablet.”

Turning the conversation around, I asked if she was a sociology or psychology major. She laughed because she was a psychology major. “Please, don’t worry, I am neither analyzing nor trying to fix you. I just find you interesting and attractive as a person.”

We were about to go our separate ways when my sister Rachel called, and I took the call. “Hi, little brother, I was thinking of you last night and again today, so I thought to give you a call. Is there anything interesting going on?”

When I told her I was making my way back to my dorm, she questioned me. “I thought your last class was three hours ago?”

“It was,” I said, “But it’s an enjoyable spring day; can’t a person just take one’s time making their way home?”

Rachel said, “Excuse me, you should have told me you’re with someone. I will call you later.” With that, she ended the call.

Shannon said, “Your sister must know you fairly well.

“Before we go our separate ways, I was wondering if it would be right to share our contact information. I’d like to see you again.” We exchanged information as I liked having a new friend apart from the general group of women that I knew.

Mom called that Friday morning, “You need to call Mr. Dobbs this morning if you want your summer job. He wants you in the accounting section to cover for those going on vacation, job changes, or training. He said he sent you an email and that he needs an answer today.”

I had a good summer job lined up with John Deere’s Dubuque operations. My mother was an analyst in their testing and quality control area. I helped with covering office workers the year before and was invited back this year in accounting. My email showed that one from John Deere went into spam for some reason.

“Mom, I want the job, but what about my identity and my appointments here with Psychologist Jenesse Frecone?”

“I asked Mr. Dobbs, ‘If he ever had a transgender worker?’ He said, ‘The company has, but he hasn’t. He said he’s a tough boss, which isn’t usually the case. I suspect he’s sending the message that the worker has to do well.”

I called Mr. Dobbs at 9:05, and we reached an agreement about my summer job. Now the question was about my going home, and my family’s reaction…

Lexi didn’t say it, but her roommate, Jan gave me a ‘heads-up’ that Lexi questioned my new friendship with Shannon.

Alexis and I talked; she knew my making new friends was inevitable. Our relationship deepened, if that was possible, with more romance with limited sex. An ISU AfterDark event allowed our group to celebrate, and everyone let down their hair. We participated in karaoke, improv, and it gave Nick the chance to be a comedian in drag. Kayla, Mia, and Lexi had worked up an improv sketch that pulled me into their play. Embarrassing yes, but way more fun.

The university is about academics, and the end of the semester and the first year were demanding. My study group was instrumental in coaching good study habits. My friendship with Shannon led to a second study group that included her friend John Davis. He was a scholarship athlete whom she had a responsibility to mentor. While spoiled, he had a decent head on his shoulders. Shannon’s charm and expertise helped him become an example of a good student-athlete. Studying together helped him and me to obtain a B+ and Shannon to ace the course.

Ending up with a 3.28 grade point average for my freshman year, however, but a measure of my growth. I was just as excited and scared about returning home and my summer job as I had been when I came to campus in August…

To be continued…