Previously: I said, “It’s just that I don’t want to commit to anything lasting yet...”
Lexi giggled, “I love you, but neither of us is ready to commit further.” She pulled me by the hand into her room. Once I got hot and excited, she giggled, “Now go and take a cold shower…”
Lexi was amused shortly after that when we were out for the evening and two guys came asked us for a dance. She turned and asked me, “Nicole, which of these guys would be your choice to be with?”
When I kept hesitating, she said, “Then, I’ll dance with Ryan and you can be with Stu tonight.” We’ve met Ryan and Stuart before, and I’m pretty sure Stu knows I’m transgender.
Stu asked me if I wanted a drink, and I said, “A Smirnoff Raspberry Ice but it needs to be opened here, and I’m only having the one.”
“Smart girl,” was his reply, “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. But being safe is good for the two of us.” Our waitress Lisa brought over my drink as well as one for Lexi. She smiled at us, knowing sure well who it was for, but she gave mine to Stu to hand to me.
We danced two or three dances with our guys, and then went into the women’s room. I asked, “What is this about?”
She said, “It felt like a fun alternative if we’re going to take our time and not get too serious…” She asked, “What does it feel like to you to have an excited guy between his legs. He even knows who you are and you get him aroused. I hope you let him kiss you if he wants.”
I admitted, “I don’t mind being with him. He’s as nice as any guy I’ve been with… I’m a little jealous or uneasy about us being together. I know, Ryan’s excited about being with you.”
Lexi says, “That’s sweet and it goes both ways.”
It was a dance after Stu’s second beer, that his hands slipped down on my hips as we danced. I looked up to say, ‘no further and I saw Stu’s eyes close as he pouted his lips and kissed me. “You’re as sweet as any woman,” Stu begins to say, and I hugged him and drew him near me.
We danced another slow song and I said, “I’ve liked this, but let’s not go any further tonight.” He asked if more kisses were okay. I didn’t say anything, but we did kiss again. I was mindful that he was hard and aroused. I admitted to myself that his presence felt good.
It was after midnight when we got back to our apartment. I was the first to get undressed, showered, and ready for bed. Lexi’s only comment was, “You didn’t steam up the shower area as I did.”
She was right, I intentionally cooled myself down.
It was a few days later, that Stu made his presence known at the end of one of our large lecture classes. He came up to me, “Now that I know you better by sight; I realized we share a lecture class on sociology.”
It is an interesting class especially for Iowa business and communication majors who might not be mindful of differences, subtle or the more obvious within people groups as well as differing cultures. One thing I recently learned was Thai women are used to men dressing as women, but some are very offended if such a man thinks he’s a woman. I know even with Lexi, Kayla, Jan, and others that I am encouraged not to assume I understand their experience.
I usually meet with one of two LGBT groups each week, sometimes both. The differences among us can be as interesting as the similarities. I am learning a lot about myself and others. Lexi and I have taken Sunday evening through Thursday to focus on our studies. It has not stopped us from leaning back on one another or even sleeping together at times.
She has seen Ryan and knows that Stu and I have seen one another after class. He treated me to a beer once, well I guess we’re attracted to each other. He wants to date, but I’ve resisted. He’s only interested in me as Nicole. While I understand, it was a point that turned me off.
Kayla and I are in two study groups together. And I feel like the same student, but academically I am ahead in my grades. I tend to dialogue more with other students and with a professor or two. My learning has become more meaningful.
Ms. Julie Nance in the Finance department is pleased with my work. She has challenged me to seek out more financial assistance for students with needs that falling between the cracks. It sometimes has me searching on my time, but when it pays off I get credit for extra hours. It has given me more spending money.
She often will giggle when I mention a piece of clothing it helped me to buy.
I am more of a daughter with my mom and a sister to Rachel. I talk to each of them multiple times a week.
Last week, Stacy at one of my LGBT groups, befriended me, she’s an avowed lesbian. We met after the group let out and went to her place. It got late and I stayed over with her leaving early in the morning. It was a good night and I find myself wondering more about me and relationships while in college.
I had begun to go to the Collegiate Church where one of the LGBT groups sometimes met. Gwen who’s both a regular attendee there and in the group had invited me. Our LGBT group is not formally part of their church, but we are given free access to meet there and use the chapel and meeting rooms. I was warmly received and would become what they called an associate member. That was where I kept my active membership back in my Dubuque church.
Lexi and I are still close, but we accept our friendship is not exclusive.
Close to Thanksgiving break, Rachel picked me up to go home for the holiday. It would be my first Black Friday shopping as a woman. Thursday I got caught up in shopping lists and checking newspapers and online information for special sales near us. Wednesday, I checked a store about an online item and found I didn’t like the item when I saw it. I checked a few more items and two were cheaper in quality than they appeared in the advertisement.
I was exhausted by the time I got to Dr. Printz, now both my GYN and Endocrinologist. She was pleased with how I was doing with the male hormone blocker and the progression of my life as Nicole. She told me if I was doing as well on my semester break we’d explore the possibility of going on hormone treatment. She wasn’t pleased that I was taking some women’s birth control pills. But she also communicated that it was not to my wellbeing to back off of them until after we met again.
Dr. Printz had already been in communication with Dr. Jenesse Frecone, my Psychologist at Ames, and would be the one in charge of my medication.
I can’t say Steph Reid was happy about the change of my friendship with Lexi, but neither was she surprised. “My heart goes out to you, I know it is not easy. How long did it take to move on to be where you are in your life.”
I felt the need to tell her that Lexi and I were still good friends with affectionate times. Steph smile, “Our friendship has a romantic side that other friendships don’t.”
Mrs. Reid was even comfortable with me staying over when I took Steph home Friday night. “Of course you’re staying here; Steph said you were pretty erratic as a driver in getting her safely here. Text your parents and let them know where you are.” I was to sleep in their finished basement. There was a couch with plenty of pillows and blankets.
Thanksgiving and Saturday football didn’t hold their old charm. I saw parts of games but found myself visiting with other women and visiting over the phone and pad.
I found myself listening to Rachel’s stories of student teaching and helping as a student assistant in their volleyball program. She had worked with freshmyn girls at the freshman and junior varsity levels. I could tell she made some deep friendships, where she’d have trouble saying goodbye.
I asked about boys having crushes on her and friendships. It quickly became obvious those relationships were harder to handle. She said the vast majority are no problem. What she didn’t say, but it was implied, things weren’t always easy or good.
I felt hurt when she said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you, you wouldn’t understand.”
She told our Mom, and I was close by, “An eleventh-grade boy put his hand into my blouse and when I slapped it away, a button popped off. I called the office as well as told Ms. Cook, that she’d need to take the class until I change my top… I expected the administration to give me the rest of the day off. That didn’t happen… I was taught that I should have an extra set of clothes and I did, but I was emotionally distraught more than expected.”
That had happened two weeks before, and any decision about what should happen had been delayed twice. “Mom, I think, they’re trying to wait until the semester is done and I’m gone.”
Rachel was still unsettled when we drove back on Sunday from the holiday break. Rachel pulled off at a rest area but away from the buildings. We were sitting in the car when, she said, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t comfortable saying anything to you, I saw in you many of the same expressions of caring and understanding as I received from Haley, Mom, and Susanne. I wasn’t expecting that of you.” She paused as if to ask something but she didn’t. The silence grew and I was overcome with two incidents that happened to me. I felt ashamed and guilty about both, but neither was of my doing. I hugged Rachel and listened to her story, and more to her feelings only partially healed.
Rachel was finished and I thought we were going to get back on the road. Rachel said, “I called Lexi, but she said something happened with you, but it was up to you to tell me.”
I replied, “Why don’t we get back on the road and make sure we get where we need to. I’ll do better if I’m not looking at you. It’s part of me that’s still Nick.”
One experience was from last spring and I was walking back to the dorm as Nicole going to Lexi’s room. I was not so convincing as Nicole and two guys took offense of me. It was getting ugly, but someone showed a flashlight our way and frightened off my attackers.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I had classes the next day and work the next two days. I told Rachel how I stuffed it inside and my release was that I was I got more involved with Lexi.
The most recent incident came after my relationship with Lexi had changed and I went to a gay bar. A person I sat with wanted to go further than I did. He called me a ‘tease’ and insisted I wanted more. People there took sides whether they knew us or what happened. I felt uncomfortable the next two times there.
I told Rach, “Sometimes I still feel if I see people stare at me, and I wonder if it's nothing or something from my past experiences. Lexi and I have both been nearby when the other has had a bad sleep experience… I had a flashback Tuesday, and I fought off someone attacking someone in my sleep…” I had stopped talking as my nightmare included her.
I was glad to be back at the university and felt better when Rachel called later saying she was back safely.
Our larger sociology lecture class became more interactive for the remainder of the semester. One of the foreign female students had a near breakdown when the class got to the subject of women feeling more like cattle or objects than being women.
Tiara wasn’t sure she could safely go back to her country, nor how she could afford to stay if that were possible. Tiara Sarraf had come from a wealthy family but had fallen out of favor with her father and the family she was promised to.
She was back in class the following week and a dozen or so of us gave her a combination of space and support and became friends for the remainder of a school year.
She and I were so different that she felt safe talking to me. She said, “No offense, but talking with you is like talking with a clean slate. My father had bought me an old slate tablet as a child; I could write or draw on it and wipe it clean. You are receptive like that to me.”
I was comfortable with that, talking to her was like taking a journey to a part of the world I keep hearing about. She brought a fresh view to what I was hearing. I felt for Tiara but was sorrowful that there was little anyone could do.
The first full week of December, Julie Nance wondered what was troubling me. I told her about Tiara. She permitted me to contact alumni and other Iraqi contacts with a story, of an unnamed Iraqi person needing help. Two Iraqi women who graduated from ISU and stayed in the USA or English-speaking countries contacted Julie. It would lead to possibilities that would bear fruit in the new year.
Come to the end of the semester and exams I felt pretty good about my academic year. The year had turned my life upside-down but in the most delightful ways.
I snuck a gift into clothes Lexi packed for the semester break. I text her once she had left the university and was well on her way home. I figured she was to or past the Iowa Nebraska line when I sent my text. It was ten minutes later that I knew the message was received. She was angry and happy, though she’d have to wait until her trip’s end to find the gift.
Few of my family wanted to know what I wanted for gifts or my sizes for clothes. Rachel was the one to inform me that I’d be getting money or gift cards. She did take me shopping once to see what I might like.
With her due to graduate in May, we knew this holiday and the new year would be focused on her. She had indeed learned from student teaching that teaching was her calling. Her bad experience had, in fact, the opposite effect on her career possibilities. Seemingly, school districts in the Des Moines Metro and the suburban area had heard more of her abilities, because of hearing rumors of the problem. She indirectly became a better-known possibility as a future teacher.
The days before Christmas would become a new bonding time for Rachel, Haley, and me. We would learn from Haley, part of her love and bonding with Lewis; was in part a reaction to earlier hurts in her life. Lewis and his then younger brother Nick helped her to be comfortable and attracted to Lewis and our family.
Haley’s, being nice and open to me, was part of her deepening her bond with our family.
I had made good progress with my therapist Dr. Jenesse Frecone, which boded well for my upcoming visit with Dr. Printz. I had matured and knew I was blessed with these two professionals…
To be continued…
