I was at the birth, Stella was lying on the bed with her legs in gynae stirrups. She was covered in sweat with the effort of pushing to expel her baby. The midwife, delivered the baby, rushing off to clean it up before we saw what it was, then another baby popped out, and another midwife grabbed it and rushed out. Twins, my prediction was correct, then another baby and few minutes later another, until we had seven in all.

We all stopped and the midwife again delivered the baby, which she looked at and said, “This one must be yours,” with that, she handed me a three pound baby dormouse.

It was about this time I awoke, wringing wet and not sure if I was laughing or crying. It was five o’clock and barely light, I hopped in the shower and after drying myself and my hair, dressed and went for breakfast. It was still only six by the time I’d finished, usually the time that Tom rises. I went back upstairs and changed into my riding kit. I sneaked down the stairs and out to the garage before he could stop me.

I was off on the Specialized before he could do anything. It felt wonderful to be out on a bike again, although I knew I wouldn’t be able to go very far or fast. I did about ten miles and struggled a bit up the hills, whereas I usually ascended at a reasonable speed; today I crawled. Not to put too fine a point on it, I was knackered when I got back. Tom had waited.

“Just what do you think you are doing?”

“What do you mean?” I replied breathlessly.

“In your condition?”

“My condition? It’s Stella who’s having a baby, not me.”

“I am well aware of that, but you’re still on sick leave and instead of resting you go out on that stupid bike.”

“Where does it say I can’t?”

“I suppose you’re knackered now, aren’t you?”

“No,” I lied. “I’m just going to wash and get changed for work.”

“Okay, report to me when you deign to arrive.”

“I’ll be there by nine, don’t you worry.”

“Better get your skates on then, it’s eight o’clock now.”

I bounded up the stairs, driven more by indignation than enthusiasm. I quickly washed in cold water, trying to reduce my body temperature and the sudomotor activity it produced. It was still quite warm, so I slipped on a sun dress with a light jacket and some kitten heeled sandals.

I sorted my hair, it was a little moist but wasn’t too bad, and I shoved on some makeup. This I had off to a fine art, it took less than five minutes to do eyeliner, mascara and lippy, plus a little blonde eyebrow colour to make them look more tended. Squirting some Anais Anais down my dress and on my wrists, I grabbed my watch and my bag, my laptop case and keys and drove off to work.

Of course using a different car, I had to get a temporary permit, which caused all sorts of complications in the office. “Most teachers only have one vehicle,” said the snotty girl in the office.

“Nonsense, half of them use their wives or husband’s car, half the time. This is my dad’s car.”

“I thought the professor had a Landrover?”

“He has, but I’ve got two dads.”

She looked at me very strangely and a bit of devilment got into me. “I’ve got two of everything, two houses, two cars, two husbands–big o’ me, isn’t it? Two bicycles, two horses, two cats, two yachts, two pencils, two computers, my real name is Noah.” I left quickly before she could catch her breath and call the local loony bin to see if anyone was missing.

“She’s very strange,” I heard as I exited the place.

“Have you only just noticed,” came the response from whoever she was talking with.

My notoriety was growing, and I just smirked. I was too tired to care. I entered the Biology dept at exactly nine. Tom was standing at his door looking at his watch, I curseyed to him and went to speak with Pippa.

“So how is our expectant auntie?” she asked, sniggering.

“Don’t you start, I woke up at five having nightmares about it.”

“It would be even worse if you were expecting, believe me. The whole bloody thing is a nightmare, especially with my mother fussing around the whole time.”

“If I was expecting, I could retire on the fees I’d get from the media.”

“Oh yeah, sorry, I keep forgetting.” She blushed sweetly.

“That’s okay, actually it’s the best compliment you could give me. I just wish I could forget my path to womanhood was different.”

“If you two gossips have quite finished, we might get some work done.” Tom tried to assert himself. In order to placate him, I decided I would play along.

“What would you like me to do, oh master?”

“Very funny, I want a protocol for the captive breeding programme on my desk by lunch time, and this afternoon, I’ve organised a series of tutorials for you to do with the second years. Welcome back to work, Miss Watts.”

I saluted, clicking my heels together, which wasn’t too clever because it hurt, I’d forgotten I had sandals on. Then I did an about wheel and walked towards my office, winking at Pippa as I went.

Neal and Gloria smiled at me when I went into the labs. Nothing was said but much was communicated. I spoke quickly to them about the cages and how many animals we were getting and when. Neal was able to give me chapter and verse on all I needed and I adjourned to my broom cupboard to write the protocol.

Needless to say, I loathe these things, they are so tedious to do, like writing a text book. I finished a draft version at one o’clock. I hadn’t even stopped for a drink. I emailed it to Tom and sat back in my chair. I awoke with a start when someone knocked my door.

My head was pounding and my neck was stiff, I called for them to enter. It was Harry Potter. “Cathy, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I yawned, “I’ll be okay, fancy a cuppa?” I was dying for a drink.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Okay, have a seat a sec, I’m in need of a cuppa before I do anything else.” I managed to make one in the lab techies’ room, and wandered back to my own, yawning and trying to relax my neck muscles.

“Are you better now? We heard you’d been stabbed and then sick.”

“I see the grapevine is working well.”

She blushed and nodded. “Are you better?”

“Yeah, I suppose I must be. How’s your dad?” I threw back at her, and she spent the next five minutes telling me about her father’s holiday in the Cayman Islands. I though wistfully about my missed opportunity to go to the TdF and felt a bit envious. It seemed it was becoming my natural state.

Finally we got down to her new coursework and as she hadn’t really done any, we used the time to run through the sort of assignments she’d be getting during the coming semester.

I drank my tea. It was cold, and felt my tummy rumble. It hadn’t been fed since before six that morning. It was now three in the afternoon. No wonder I felt light headed. I phoned Pippa and asked if she could get me a sandwich or something from the refectory, as I had another student imminent. She grumbled, but agreed to get me one.

I got through the next tutorial with a new student by winging it, although all through it I was aware of this pit in my belly, which was by the moment becoming a yawning chasm. I got rid of the lad a few minutes early and Pippa brought me the cheese salad sandwich and a hot cup of tea. I wolfed it down after I paid my dues, and popped the Mars bar she also brought, into the drawer. I saw the next student, trying to ignore the wind pains which had begun and the urge to break wind to relieve them.

“Are you okay, Miss Watts, you look quite pale?”

“Do I, excuse me a moment, I think I’d better nip to the loo.” I was sick, chucking up the tea and cheese sandwich, as well as farting like a jet aircraft warming up. I did feel better when I got back to my room, except the Mars bar in my desk drawer kept drawing my attention.

I had two more students to see, and ate half the bar between each of them. It just about kept me going. When I got home, I collapsed in the chair and fell fast asleep. Tom didn’t wake me for over an hour.

“Come on hen, wake yersel’ up an’ I’ll tek y’oot tae dinner.”

It took several moments to recognise who he was, let alone what he was blethering about. He did however, take me out for a meal, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had roast leg of lamb with mint sauce, roasted buttered carrots, roast potatoes, broccoli and sliced green beans. Goodness did I feel full after that. Once again I had to dash to the loo, this time to allow for the escape of gas I knew I’d be full of. It took nearly ten minutes of releasing methane before I went back.

He looked curiously at me. “What are you doing?” I asked him.

“I just wondered how big your nose was if it takes that long to powder.”

“You can’t rush beauty,” I chucked back at him.

“Touche,” he said and we both laughed.

My thanks to Bonzi for helping with this episode and getting dirty paw marks all over my trousers.