I must have been tired, I slept right through the night because I was awoken the next morning by the phone ringing. I picked it up and mumbled into it. “Miss Watts, this is Erin Lovejoy.” My rather sleepy mind silently asked, ‘Who?’ before it answered itself, ‘Des’ agent–you dozy cow!’. I began to wonder if I was becoming schizophrenic, should I get a second opinion? I was in two minds about it.

“Oh yes, thanks for ringing back. I’m Des’ beneficiary, inheriting his entire estate.”

“Congratulations, it should be worth a bit. What can I do to help?”

“I’m also a collaborator of his, we were making a film together when he died so tragically.”

“I thought he died in a car smash,” she sounded a little sharp.

“He did, sorry, I’ve only just woken up so I’m not putting this very well. He and I were commissioned to make a film on dormice, which we were doing. Unfortunately, during the early stages, I was attacked and ended up in hospital.”

“What, by a dormouse?”

“No, we were doing bits and pieces as we could, I was out for a ride with my fiancé and his sister and a local lunatic stabbed me in the chest as I went past.”

“In Bristol?”

“No, Portsmouth.”

“Oh yes, I remember something in the press now. You’re a university lecturer, aren’t you?”

“Essentially, I’m a field biologist who does some teaching on a regular basis usually at Portsmouth, but sometimes elsewhere. I also instigated and led a captive breeding programme at the university there, monitoring the release and any effect it had on the local wild populations.”

“You’re an expert in dormice?”

“I suppose so. High Street Bank, commissioned us to do this film to highlight their green credentials.”

“Is that you on the posters?”

“Yes, fraid so. I don’t know why they couldn’t have got a proper model.”

“I thought they had, not quite the usual image one has of a university lecturer, with such model looks.”

I blushed and was glad she couldn’t see me, my hair was ruffled from sleep and I felt heavy and bloated, I also needed a pee and something to eat and drink.

“Could I come and see you. I need to get a contract with someone else to finish the film. I want to retain Des’ share of any profit, at the same time reward the new party adequately, not forgetting my share too.”

“Won’t you have Des’ share anyway?”

“There’s a complication, he was going to marry my future sister in law, who is pregnant with his baby.”

“Oh, I see the potential for complications.”

“Yes and no, I want anything Des would have made from the film to be held in trust for the baby. What I do with the estate, I’m not sure yet and probate is still being proved anyway.”

“Well that’s not my affair anyway, back to the contract. Who are you using to finish the film?”

“A friend of his, Alan White.”

“Oh!” this was followed by a long pause. “Have you shown him any of the material yet? The stuff Des already had?”

“Yes, and the script.”

“Oh, I wish you had come to me sooner.”

“Have I done something wrong? He’s not a rapist or something?”

She actually laughed before saying, “No you’re safe there, he’s gay. However, he does have a habit of plagiarism and intellectual theft.”

“I have made a mistake, haven’t I?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s not too late to tie him up in a contract that even he can’t beat; he is something of a contractual Houdini. When are you free?”

“I feel this needs to be done soon, I’m free this afternoon, is that any good?”

“Hmm, I liked Des, despite his wandering hands, he was essentially a nice chap. Okay, if I can move another appointment, I can see you at three. If I can’t shift the other one, I’ll call you on this number. Will you be there all morning?”

I glanced at the clock, it was ten past nine. “I will be after eleven thirty. I have to go out for a bit this morning, but I’ll be back by then.”

“Fine, if you don’t hear from me, I look forward to meeting you in person. I have one of the leaflets here.”

“Thanks, do I need to bring anything?”

“I have a recollection of contracts between Des and the bank for this somewhere. I’ll look them out. As you found my name, I assume you have some too?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Bring those and any other paperwork, scripts et cetera relating to the film. See you later.”

I scampered to the loo and eased my suffering bladder. Then it was downstairs for a quick breakfast of tea and toast, with a banana. Then I rushed upstairs and dressed. Not more than about twelve minutes had elapsed when I was out pedalling gently as I warmed up some leg muscles. I needed a bike ride almost as much as I did food and drink.

I did my usual round trip under the suspension bridge and around the Avon gorge, with a good hill to wake me up before I got back an hour and a bit later. I showered, enjoying a good soak under the warm water, the cordless phone laying on the wash basin should Ms Lovejoy call back. She didn’t, but Simon did.

“You cut me off last night,” he said peevishly.

“Hang on, I’ve only got one leg in my knickers.”

“Oh how lovely, need any help?”

“No, just two hands, hang on.” I pulled on the undergarment and popped on my bra as well, then I shrugged on my housecoat. “Sorry about that. I’m decent now.”

“Damn! You’ve just ruined all my fantasies for the day.”

“That’ll teach you to be such a dirty young man.”

“No it won’t,” he said, and I was saying almost the same thing in mind as he verbalised it. Simon was a healthy young man, they spend half their lives having thoughts about sex, cars or football. So why was I worried, so long as the thoughts were about me, I was laughing. The time to worry is when they aren’t.

“So what do you want, I have to go and see an agent.”

“What a secret agent?”

“It was only secret insofar as I hadn’t told anyone, no a film agent.”

“What? Can they get you free tickets to the latest premiere?”

“I don’t know, besides I don’t want to attend film premieres, I just want to get this bloody thing about dormice finished. I had no idea how complicated it all is.”

“Try banking…”

“I think one banker in the family is enough, don’t you?”

“Why do I feel like you’re getting at me?”

“Who me? You’re the one who was complaining, not me.”

“Well, yes. You put the phone down on me last night.”

“Did I? I’m sorry Si, I was so tired I just nodded off and it switches itself off.”

“Does it, or did you?”

“Either way I’m sorry. So what has my favourite capitalist been up to today?”

“Haven’t you seen the news, the economy is in freefall, banks are losing money hand over fist. Several US banks have gone bust.”

“Is that important?”

“What? I don’t believe you said that.”

“I’m sorry, but I have no idea what banks do apart from hold money for me and pay my direct debits and things, oh and your one pays me some money every month.”

“Cathy, the whole capitalist world is teetering on the brink of financial collapse.”

“Is that serious?”

“Serious? It’s catastrophic.”

“Oh well we’ll have to live on my money then won’t we?”

“There may be no one to pay you, this could destroy governments.”

“Oh, so does this mean you won’t be over this weekend?”

“Course not, it’s not that serious.”

“Oh good, I knew I could rely on you to save the world.”

“And make a profit.”

“Hmm, is that ethical if everyone else is going bust.”

“Babes, I’m a banker.”

“Yes, but once we’re married I hope you’ll stop your nasty habits. I have to go, love you, byeeee.” I put the phone down and giggled for several minutes as I finished dressing. Serves him right, disturbing me with only one leg in my knickers!

Author's note: I'm away from early tomorrow morning for a week,looking for dormice on Menorca, so you won't have to put up with my ramblings for seven whole days. Don't celebrate too hard.