I carefully sat in the Mazda and Erin shoved it in gear and we shot forward. About ten minutes later, she was parking it in the car park of a very nice pub I didn’t even know existed. “They have quite a good restaurant here, I booked us a quiet table, so we can talk.”

“Good afternoon, Mrs Lovejoy.”

“Hello, Samuel, usual table please.” The middle aged man led us through a very plush dining room to a table which stood before a window overlooking the well tended garden. “I’ll have my usual, Lady Cameron, what would you like?”

“Uh? Oh, just some still water please.” He nodded at my request and went off to get the drinks. “Why did you call me, Lady Cameron, I’m not yet.”

“He doesn’t know that, and besides he’ll be more attentive.”

“But it’s a lie.”

“Don’t you ever tell them?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“You’re too honest, too trusting.”

“Am I? I thought I was being myself, isn’t that what you told me to do?”

“Yes, but in this world, you need to be a bit more guarded, or people will shaft you.”

“So people keep telling me.”

“They can’t all be wrong, can they?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just think, you make your film and it turns out as you want it to. Your main sponsors are delighted and have a corporate showing. Then it goes network, the BBC or another company buy it and it goes down well. Now, who’s going to get you a decent price from the Beeb? Or even more importantly, who’s going to sell it to other companies abroad? If you sell it to the Fox network or CBC, who’s going to negotiate for you–or are you going to do it yourself?”

“I hadn’t thought that far ahead, I hadn’t actually got beyond the completion bit.”

“What, completing the film?”

“Yes, unless we do that, the rest is largely irrelevant.”

“Oh, Alan will do that and will make a good job of it.”

“I thought you said he was a thief, or as good as?” The waiter brought our drinks. She paused to sip her G and T, before answering me.

“He is, which is why this little baby,” she patted the file on the desk, “will tie him tighter than a tick. The sort of thing he does is to pinch bits of your clips you didn’t use, make them into a similar film to yours and undersell you.”

“But isn’t that self defeating?”

“No, he gets a cut of the royalties from yours, from his he gets the lot.”

“Oh yeah, bloody nerve.”

“He’s got plenty of that. Look, you said you’re filming tomorrow?”

“Yes, weather permitting, if we wait until it gets any colder, they’ll all be hibernating.”

“True, but a word of advice.” I sat there ears all agog. “Wear a top with a good plunge neck and a push up bra.”

“What?” I was shocked, no, make that disgusted. “I’m a scientist, not a bimbo. I do research not pole dancing.”

“Look, honeybunch, I know all this and I share your revulsion for blatant sexual overtones–but it’s what is going to sell your film.”

“What about all the pictures of dormice, Des did hours of filming?”

“I’m well aware of Des’ capability as a camera man. I’m also aware of the ‘aww factor’ for your little furry things. You’re aware of this too. You can still use your clever script and give loads of information about dormice. However, if you use the phwoar factor, you’ll get the message over even more, and they’ll want you to make more films, so you can save more little furry things.”

We chose our meals, then she continued, “Look, sweetie-pie, read me the opening line of your script.”

I took the paper she handed me. It was my script. “The countryside of the British Isles is very different to what it was twenty years ago. If we were to go back fifty or even a hundred years, you’d scarcely recognise it. The increased population and its various demands have caused enormous change….”

“Fine, you sound like someone giving the Christmas science lecture.”

I took this as a compliment. It wasn’t. She shook her head at me. “I want you to read it again, only pretend that Simon is doing the camerawork and you want him to take you to bed and ravish you.”

“What?”

“You know exactly what I mean–you’re a woman. Once he sees that glint in your eye, he’s total putty. We want the viewers to be the same.”

“I don’t want to be seen as a sexy, by all and sundry.”

“You should have stayed as a boy then. You are a very attractive woman, you need to capitalise or exploit it.”

“I don’t think I like where this is going. I think I want to go home, now.” I went to get up from the table.

“Cathy, sit down and shut up.” I slumped in my chair. “Do you want this film to work or not?”

“At this price, I don’t know.”

“All I’m asking you to do, is seduce the camera. You are so sexy, it’s almost unbelievable. All you need to do, is act a bit more seductively, use a breathier voice, and act a little more seductively as you walk about. You’re talking about nocturnal animals with good hearing, you need to talk quietly, why not make it sexy, too? You’re talking to every man in the audience, making him feel special.”

“What about the women? They make up fifty percent of the population, or have you forgotten that?”

“No, the younger ones will want to be like you, if not be you. Rich, clever, educated, beautiful and sexy…”

“Don’t forget infertile, and screwed up.”

“Don’t you think that Victoria Beckham has her off days, they all do–when they think, act and look like shit.”

“But she doesn’t have my problem does she?”

“Which is?”

“I’m not interested in looking sexy for anyone besides Simon.”

“Grrr! Look woman, you are sexy. Even in your dishevelled state this morning, most men would have given anything to jump your bones.”

“Now I know you’re exaggerating.”

“Sam, can you come over a second?” She called to the restaurant manager. He dutifully wandered over. “Sam, can I ask you a favour?”

“But of course, Mrs Lovejoy.”

“Take a good look at my companion, and tell me what you see. Please be honest.”

Sam blushed but began to run his eye over me. I blushed and squirmed beneath his gaze. “You are a very beautiful lady, with an enchanting smile that men would die for. You are very sexy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No that’s fine, Sam, thanks a lot.” Erin dismissed him, then looked hard at me and said, “Now do you believe me?”

“How do I know this wasn’t prearranged?”

“You’ll have to trust me on that.”

“But you said I was too trusting?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t include me. Me, you can trust, okay?”

“If you say so,” is what my mouth said, but my heart wasn’t quite so sure about it.

This episode was already largely written. Posting it doesn't commit me to anything else at present. A new Whatever Next chapter has also been sent to Maddy Bell, I wrote it while on holiday.