I could feel the blood drain from my face. This was the one thing I feared- being found out and I had only been here a few minutes!

I could feel the blood drain from my face. This was the one thing I feared- being found out and I had only been here a few minutes!

I was going to be sick. My heart was pounding and all I could see was Tracy’s face with that slight smile on her lips. I was in trouble and my world was falling around my ears. Then, to cap it all, the tears started. I put my face in my hands and started sobbing uncontrollably. My body heaved as all the problems, worries, heartaches and shear terror of what had happened to me came pouring out.

Then I felt something strange and unexpected. I was being hugged and whispered at.

I tried to control myself and with a big gasp of breath, I opened my eyes. Through the tears, I could see nothing but a face full of hair. It was Tracy! She was saying something…

‘I am so sorry, Steph. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. Don’t worry, it’s alright.’

She was stroking my back and hugging me at the same time and whispering ‘shhh.’ in my ear.

It took a couple of minutes for me to climb out of the grief but eventually, I calmed down a bit and with a big blow on a tissue and a major wipe of my eyes, I was back in one piece…more or less.

‘Feeling better?’

I nodded, not able to speak yet.

‘I’m’ sorry I shocked you like that. I’m a bit like a bull…or is that a cow, as I’m a girl, in a china shop. I shoot my mouth off and don’t realise it. If I do that again, just thump me around the head, OK?’

I nodded again. I was feeling a bit like one of those nodding dogs you get in the back of cars.

‘Friends still?’

Guess what…I nodded.

‘I can see that this is going to be a one sided conversation… God I’m only 12, I hope it’s not like this when I’m ancient like er 30 or something. Right, pin your lug holes back and listen to Auntie Trace. I overheard what I did cos I’m a nosy cow who can’t keep out of trouble. I thought that you were in trouble this time so I listened in so I could give you a hand in case things got heavy. You could have dropped a brick on my head and I wouldn’t have noticed after hearing what you went through. Fancy being a boy and having to pretend that you are a girl, cos the council cocked it all up.’

She drew for breath and noticing that I was being a bit mute, continued.

‘Well, I couldn’t believe it, you doing a Danny La Rue* Mind you, I can’t believe your not a girl; you’re a natural. Are you sure you haven’t practiced before?’

‘No.’

‘God, she speaks…or is it he…I don’t know; dressed and looking like that you are a girl…150%, I’d say. Now what I want to know is do you like it?’

‘Like what?’

‘Being a girl, silly.’

‘I’m not a girl.’

‘No, you have extra bits which don’t come with the girl package but you look like a girl. I read somewhere; “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck, then it's a duck.” or something like that; meaning that you look the part so perhaps deep down you are a duck…I mean girl.’

‘I’m a boy called Mark.’

I was getting really uncomfortable with this talk. I was going places where I didn’t want to go. Did I like me as a girl? No I didn’t even want to think it.

‘OK, lets change the subject, do you like it here?’

I looked around at the grounds, the grass, the flowers all bright and colourful. Then my eyes turned to the big house that used to be a hospital. My thoughts drifted to the girls in there…Rachel, Tina, Paula and the others; they were a nice bunch of girls. The staff were OK too…Even Miss Cathcart was nice when she asked Rachel if she was all right. After loosing my parents, my life was upside down; here, I felt a bit of security and the fact that everyone seemed to like me…

‘Well?’

‘I…I do like it here; everyone has been so good to me and I’ve had too many things go wrong lately. I would like to stay, if I can.’

‘Even if it means being a duc…I mean girl?’

I looked down at myself. It had come to the stage where I wasn’t constantly thinking about what I was wearing. I was getting used to this already!

‘Yes, it’s not so bad. It’s only clothes after all.’

‘You haven’t seen the school uniform yet…talk about the 50’s. Anyway, don’t worry about that. I promise I wont say anything to anyone. It’s our secret. Anyway, I like the idea of hiding stuff from other people. I know Sheila will help you, but she’s old, at least 25 so what does she know about fashion and what’s right. It will be a scream just to see other people get taken in. One thing though.’

‘What?’

‘For Gods sake don’t keep sitting down with your legs open, it’s a dead giveaway.’

‘I don’t, do I?’

‘Sometimes. I just thought that it was you being a tomboy, but now I know different.’

‘I’ll try to remember.’

‘Also, to hide things more, I think that you should go really girlie.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, you haven’t much in the way of clothes have you?’

‘No, only some cast offs from the council ladies daughter.’

‘Well what normally happens is that you are dragged around shops to find new stuff. We have to make sure that I can go with you and then I can help you choose. We will get you stuff that’s so girlie that it would make Barbi look like a man.’

‘Why do that?’

‘What boy would want to dress like that? It will be the perfect disguise.’

‘If you say so.’ I said doubtfully. ‘Anyway I think Sindy is nicer, remember the catch fraise…erm, “Sindy the doll you'll love to dress” ?’

She looked at me strangely as I turned beetroot red. ‘Er…right; anyway, lets go back in. People will start wondering what we are doing.’

Still a bit embarrassed at knowing about Sindy and wondering where abouts from my brain that I had dragged that bit of information from, we got up and brushed the grass clippings off our skirts. I was trying not to think too much about what I just said and more than that, how I remembered it.

‘Tracy.’

‘Yea?’

‘Thanks for being nice.’

‘Shut up you twit, lets go get a coke.’

We went back into the cool of the building. It seemed quite dark after the brightness of outside. We went into the kitchen and Tracy grabbed two cokes from the huge fridge in the kitchen. She also managed to find a couple of Wagon Wheels. I loved the chocolate covered biscuits and almost drooled as I opened the blue and red wrapper and took a huge bite out of it.

‘No, no, no, no no!’

I looked up at the disapproving face of Tracy and mumbled, ‘what?’ through my somewhat full mouth, spraying Tracy with crumbs as I did so.

‘Yuk! Stop doing that. Remember, girls aren’t supposed to do that; you need to be a girlie girl so no one will cotton on that you are a fella. Now take smaller bites and think GIRL!’

‘Sorry,’ I mumbled as I swallowed the biscuit and nibbled at another piece.

‘Better, but don’t go overboard, you aren’t Victorian and wearing corsets so you can take bigger bites than that without fainting.’

‘It’s all a bit hard.’

‘Being a girlie girl is hard; that why I’m not one. Finished, good, lets take our cokes out and see where the others are.’

We left the kitchen with our cokes and went into the lounge area. It was a large room with lots of chairs, a TV in the corner blaring away with some pop song, It was The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger was doing strange things with his hips, while his rubber lips was saying something about not being able to get satisfaction. I don’t like them much; preferring the Beatles or at a pinch The Beach Boys any day. In the middle of the room was a ping-pong table and two of the girls were playing quite vigorously, making me knackered just watching them.

Some of the girls from our dormitory were sitting, playing cards so we went over.

Paula looked up and said, ‘Hi, girls, what’s up?’

‘Not much,’ said Tracy.

‘You been crying?’ said a concerned Rachel to me.

‘A bit?’

‘Why.’

‘Don’t want to talk about it.’

‘OK, if you want to talk later, let me know.’ She went back to the game and left me with a warm, sort of squidgy feeling inside that these girls actually cared about me.

The rest of the day passed without much more drama, except Phillipa managed to hit a tennis ball through the window, which just happened to land in Miss Cathcart’s cup of tea. I didn’t know that Miss Cathcart had that sort of vocabulary but more than one of us blushed.

The day finally drew to a close. After supper, we all got undressed and watched an old film on the TV. It was a weepy and to my surprise, I found myself to be tearful at the end of it.

After lights out, I was lying snuggled up with Teddy, whispering about what had happened that fateful day and he told me a few things about him and Stella which made me feel that they were more than just friends.

I fell asleep thinking that perhaps my luck may be changing for the better and hoping that Tracy wouldn’t go too mad about me being “girlie” when we went shopping.

To be continued...

* An English female impersonator

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