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(aka Bike) Part 1348 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad
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“You ever heard of Toby Rushland?” I asked Si.
“Heard of him? I’ve met him.”
“Oh.”
“That sounded ominous–why d’you want to get some cheapo theatre tickets?”
“He’s a friend of Erin, my agent.”
“Yeah, so? He’s quite personable so I’d expect him to have a few women friends, except he’s gay.”
“Gay men fascinate some women.”
“I hope you’re not one of them?”
“Me a fag hag? Nah, but Alan my cameraman is gay, so I don’t have a problem with them.”
“You just wouldn’t want your daughter to marry one?”
“I’d have no objections, perhaps they’d enjoy talking about clothes or comparing knitting patterns.”
Simon rolled his eyes, “Lots of gay men get married–it’s a sort of stealth thing.”
“But these days, what for? I mean there are gay men in parliament and top of industry, even on Radio 4. I mean, there’s Evan Davis on the Today programme–talk about iconic.”
“Yeah, but they’re token aren’t they?”
“No–it’s the women who are token–there’s only one of those on the Today programme as well.”
“Yeah, but there aren’t any male presenters of Woman’s Hour are there?”
“That’s different.”
“No it isn’t, if you have a policy of equality and diversity, why can’t you have men presenting Woman’s Hour?”
“Si, that is taking things too far, besides it wouldn’t be Woman’s Hour then would it?”
“I suppose People’s Hour wouldn’t have quite the same ring about it.”
“It’s partly historic anyway, it’s been going for years when women’s issues weren’t as easily broadcast as they are today, not that they discuss some of the really dark ones, anyway.”
“Like what? I thought they did, I mean they’ve dealt with sex change and gay stuff, abortion and female circumcision–surely it doesn’t get much more controversial than that?”
“I didn’t mean Woman’s hour, I meant radio as a whole–I mean there’s this business of Corrective Rape–it happens in South Africa and the Caribbean.”
“Corrective rape–sounds a bit of an oxymoron to me–how can rape correct anything–it’s just nasty.” Simon shuddered as he spoke.
“You’re absolutely right–it’s almost a euphemism for hate crime against women, gay men and transgendered people. They get gang banged–by a bunch of morons–I presume–no self-respecting man would do it–I hope–it’s supposed to teach them a lesson, if they survive–they don’t always.”
“Plus, I presume they could get pregnant or catch nasty diseases from these nasty little boys. Rape is a really nasty thing to do–there was a girl in uni who got attacked on a tube platform and raped in front of a group of people by a gang of black youths.”
“Was she black?”
“Yeah, she was really beautiful and such a sparkling personality–it all changed after that–she went into her shell–developed a dependency on pain killers–I think she killed herself eventually. Not one of the bastards watching even called the police.”
“Perhaps they couldn’t get a signal?” I suggested, “Or didn’t have mobiles, people didn’t ten years ago.”
“This was London, babes, people like their toys there. It’s not a backwater like Bristol where bicycles are still the majority personal transport.”
“Nah, only the wealthy can afford a bike, most have to rely on shank’s pony if they can afford boots or shoes.”
“Crikey, you’d be a millionairess then with the collection of footwear you’ve got upstairs.”
“That’s Stella’s fault.”
“How come, they’re in your wardrobe then–if they’re hers?”
“They’re mine.”
“You’re beginning to lose me here; there are over thirty pairs of shoes and boots in your wardrobe and it’s my sister’s fault?”
“If you cast your little mind back to the days when I was rather more shy and awkward about being in public.”
“You mean as a female?”
“Yes,” I blushed, it still embarrassed me to think I wondered if Simon was a cannibal that first evening, especially when he told me I looked good enough to eat.
“Yes, I’m still waiting for the explanation before my single brain cell rolls back into its storage space.” He rolled his eyes again.
“Well, I was relatively new to girldom, especially in public.”
“You’d spent two months dressing like a girl when you did Macbeth.”
“Yeah, but that was covered–I’d been instructed to do it, so no one could tell the school or my parents. When I was in your cottage wearing borrowed clothes and makeup–I was sort of in uncharted waters.”
“I thought you said that Stella made you do it–so weren’t you covered in that sense?”
“She didn’t exactly make me do it, she sorta encouraged me by saying that your clothes wouldn’t fit anyway and so I had to borrow some of hers.”
“So what’s that got to do with half of the British Shoe Corporation’s output in your wardrobe? I’m losing the will to live here.”
“Well, given my inexperience...”
“Get on with it–I’d like to go to bed sometime this week.”
“Stop interrupting then.”
His reply was a sigh but he said nothing.
“Where was I?” He made to tell me but a Paddington hard stare stopped his ideas of mutiny. “Oh yes, I was a bit green about things girly, so Stella was my style guru.”
“So why have you got all the shoes and not her?”
“Oh she’s got quite a few herself.”
“Not as many as you.”
“Probably not–which wardrobe did you look in?”
“Your one why?”
“Oh ‘cos there’s a few more in the wardrobe in the spare room.”
“How many?”
“Not sure, “ blushed.
“How many?” he repeated more loudly.
“Twenty three pairs.”
“Of shoes?”
“Um–not entirely, there’s four pairs of boots as well.”
“You have fifty seven pairs of boots and shoes?
“Fifty nine if you include my cycling shoes.”
“Jeez-uz–why do you need sixty pairs of footwear?”
“I was trying to tell you, it’s all Stella’s fault.”
“How can it be Stella’s fault that you’re the Imelda Marcos of Portsmouth?”
“I was trying to tell you.”
“Pray do–and while you’re at it tell me why you have sixty and I have half a dozen?”
“Stella was my style guru...”
“We’ve done that bit.”
“Shut up and listen.” I fixed him with another icy stare.
“Carry on–I’m all ears.”
“No you’re not, you’re all belly.”
“Hey, that’s personal, and I’ve been growing it for years–takes a long time to nurture a male pregnancy like mine.”
“You certainly look the part–anway...”
“You cheeky cow–get on with the facts.”
“I was being factual–you’re getting fat.”
“That’s just trying to distract me–get on with why you have half a million shoes in the house.”
“That is a gross exaggeration, there’s only a quarter of a million.”
“Get on with it–I’ve got to be in work in ten hours.”
“Right, okay–Stella was my style guru and–” he went to get up but I motioned him to sit down again, which he did sighing heavily. “She was my mentor in things female,” he nodded and urged me to continue, “so I tended to do what she suggested unless I absolutely hated her idea–there was the pink skirt which she liked but I hated and refused to wear it.”
“Has the pink skirt got anything to do with the shoe saga?”
“No, of course not, why?”
“Will you please stop detouring yourself and just tell me why all the shoes are Stella’s fault and I can die happy and fulfilled.”
“Oh that–she told me a girl can’t have too many–and who am I to disagree?”
“We have a house full of your shoes because Stella said that?”
“Yes,” I said innocently.
“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”
“It’s the truth, cross my heart to lift and separate,” I said drawing a cross on my chest.
“I don’t think that’s the original wording, is it?”
“It is for the Playtex ads, I so wanted a Playtex cross your heart bra when I was a boy.”
Simon shook his head, “You are completely bloody barmy, aren’t you?”
“In agreeing to marry you–probably.”
“Right–that does it–you’ve been asking for a good tickle all bloody night–and you’re going to get one.”
“No–Simon–no–I need to wee–stop it–stop it or I’ll–see what you made me do?”
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Comments
Simon,
ALISON
' a girl needs her shoes!
ALISON
Cathy has spent
way too much time in a school setting with a captive audience. She does love her words, and takes forever sometimes to get to a point. Tickles are a good response.
Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1348
Corrective rape? I must admit that is a very dark subject that causes more pain than it's worth. And I want to thank someone for pointing out to me just how dark it really is.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
I've never got the shoes
I've never got the shoes thing... Guess I'm too butch. Plus I'm a bit hippyish and only wear shoes if I really have to.
I do have the shoes thing
and my daughter seems to have inherited it although we do have very different tastes.
Angharad
Angharad
Shoes
No, not me so much, but I do like boots....
Got quite a few
of those too.
Angharad :)
Angharad
Hmmmmm boots
Stiff ones for crampons, smearing boots for technical slab climbing, old-style full leather ones for mountain walking...OH! those sort of boots.
Seriously, I have problems with them; my feet are quite broad, and just over size eight.
I have a few..
It looks like 34 pairs or 36 if you count the 2 pairs of fencing shoes... I did have more, but I got rid of a few pairs....
Oh! and in that mix is at least 5 pair of boots....
Janice
It just goes to prove
that as long as Simon lives, He will never ever understand women .... And long may it stay that way.... Well a girl has to keep her man on his toes somehow !
Kirri
Shoes! Shoes! Shoooooes!!!
This is absolutely true.
MY WIFE HAS GOT 400 PAIRS OF SHOES!!!
I know cos I built her a shoe rack in our walk in wardrobe. She asked me to make her a shoe rack for her collection of shoes and being a TG person, I was wholly sympathetic. What tranny isn't!!? Besides I managed to extract a deal out of her insofar as the bottom row of shelves would receive size 9's(UK) or 42's (Euro) or 11's (US.) Get on with it BEV!.
Any way being all sympathetic and supportive, out comes my Black & Decker workmate, off to B&Q I goes and hey presto! Sunday night she's got a 10 x 20 rack of cubby holes for her shoes. Plus my row of ten cubbyholes at the bottom made slightly deeper to take my heels and sandals. All boots live in the utility room so they don't count. Anyway as I'm putting away my B&D workmate, I shouts down the stairs.
"It's finished love you can stack your shoes now,"
And off she goes searching around the house gathering various collections of shoes. At eight o'clock an embarrased little face appears in my shed asking if I can help.
"What's wrong?" I ask as I busy myself with something I never do, namely tidy up my shed!
"Nothing but I've filled all the shelves."
"What! All two hundred!!?"
"Yes."
"God in heaven girl, now you've really got me jealous!"
"I had to use your shelves as well!"
"Bloody hell Helen, how many pairs have you actually got!!!?"
"You'd better come and see!"
And see I did.
I walked into the wardrobe and lo and behold! Every cubbyhole had not one but TWO pairs of shoes in it plus my cubby holes had THREE pairs in each one and they weren't size nine shoes or size eight sandals. No; they were three and a half to fours triple A.
I looked sadly at my beloved wife who had a sort of sickly grin.
Well a girl needs shoes and besides I'm only five feet and half an inch so I need heels.
Solution, buy a tranny van and keep my shoes on the van! All thirty pairs!
Yep.
No doubt about it, a girl needs shoes!
Love this ephisode Angie, it really touched a nerve.
XzXX
Bev.
Growing old disgracefully.
Not a nice topic to start but
enjoyed the conversation in the end. I agree, the tickles were appropriate but Cathy needs to learn to control her bladder. This seems to be a conversation between two who understand each other better than we're led to believe and can just have fun.
Per'raps incontenence comes with the lob off?
I have a bit of the dribblies if I laugh too much or run the water in the sink. Many women do have the problem and sadly the saddle job in the vagina just does not work for twomen. :(
Hey Cathy, when are you going to stop procratinating and do the wedding in the castle thing? I'd agree to marry "The Beast" if it was in a castle.
K
Just love these conversations
Thanks, A+B: this is my favorite kind of Bikesode, reading the witty repartee you create between Cathy and Simon.
Pleasantry Sallies
Bike Resources
Bike Resources
I suspose it's the lifestyle one lives also.
i suspect secretaries have more shoes than stay @ home moms also. I'd guess i'm close to the sixty mark my own self. And I dont even dress - up full tme. But different outfits often certain shoes to go with them, and accessories like handbags. We have our favorite's but many were one time event shoes often like the dresses/gowns they went with.
.
oh yes, that sixty doesnt include my male wardrobe and it's shoes. There tho i've got far less, but I still have em. many are speciality shoes / boots. i guess it's just what one can afford in some respects.
I have 4 pr. of bicycling shoes dependng on weather,bike i'm using, what type of riding i'll be doing. lets face it, boots I have for working around a construction site, wouldnt make a good hiking boot and vice versa.
And we've seen Kathy hold many hats, so, I'm guessing her clothing wear seems pretty light in reguards to the nature of the beast. And it's something women take seriously in order to NEVER look like the next woman, even if they are copy-catting what ever fashion ideal is current @ at time.
even guys get caught up in such. I mentioned my own self in this, because I have a variety of interests, and I do it in a variety of climates, climes, and just plain ole social settings.
My motto - there's always a time in place for anything,everything. but it equally applies to what i'm wearing. There's appropriate clothes to wear for what i'm about to accomplish and I certainly can afford @ times to buy something speciality that maybe someting utilitarian could of been used, but, not as comfortable or useful.
But Cathy made him do it,
By exactly the same logic. That was indeed funny!