The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1298 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Good morning, Lady Cameron,” smiled Sister Maria as I walked my girls across the car park and towards the school.

“Good morning, Sister Maria.” I smiled back and let the children run on into school. I began to worry as it looked as if she had sought me out.

“I just had to tell you that the sixth form girls thought your afternoon was absolutely brilliant.”

“I’m glad they enjoyed it,” I was pleased to hear that but was half listening for the second shoe to drop. “Who did you decide on to play Lady Macbeth?”

“Sadly, Judy Dench is unavailable,” she smirked.

“Probably; although she would have guaranteed a sellout at your box office.”

“Undoubtedly.” She shrugged and sighed.

“So which of the girls got the part, there were three or four who tried it during the workshop, each of them was quite good.”

Suddenly the headmistress began to look a bit shifty. “Um–we have a policy of voting amongst the sixth form for the best performer.”

“What instead of a decision by you or the drama department?”

“Yes, invariably the plays we choose feature a strong female lead if not several, but one can only do Major Barbara, so many times or Anne of Green Gables.”

“Yes, I can appreciate your difficulty.”

“Hence the Scottish play.”

“So who won the vote?” I began to feel safer.

“I’m afraid you did.”

“What? But I’m not eligible, besides being too old and too busy.”

“There is no eligibility criterion, your name was nominated and seconded and won by a massive margin.”

“You’ll have to say I declined and give it to the runner up. Look I’m very flattered but even if I were available to do it, I’d be preventing one of your pupils from having the experience.” I felt absolutely boiling so I suspected I must be very red faced. Talk about an elephant trap, I think I’d fallen down a quarry.

“Why don’t you come through and have a coffee, I’d like to discuss your helping with the production anyway, if you would.”

I was pretty sure this was the lesser jeopardy trap–you accept life imprisonment happily because they aren’t going to execute you. I was dealing with a smooth operator so I’d have to be careful, or I’d end up coaching the student who got the part or something similar.

Sister Maria took my arm and instead of walking to her office we went towards the assembly hall. “I thought you said, coffee.”

“Yes, coffee it is.” We turned just before the hall and out through a side door across a small area of garden and towards a newish block with a single storey part in front of it. “We turn in there, that’s it, the first door.” She said as I pushed against the handle and opened the door.

We went into a very informal lounge area with loads of seats and a smell of coffee. I thought it wasn’t quite messy enough to be a staff room and as I recognised where we were, girls started filing in from two other doors plus the one we’d come through.

“Please sit down, Lady Cameron,” I was ushered to a very comfortable looking armchair, I took my time looking for restraining straps and cattle prods as I went to the chair.

“How do you take your coffee, Lady C?” asked one of the girls who’d taken part in my workshop.

“White, please, with cold milk.”

I was handed a cup and saucer and offered a biscuit which I declined.

“I’ll come back in half an hour,” said Sister Maria, “It’s up to you girls to explain to Lady Cameron why you came to your decision. I’ll see you in half an hour, Lady Cameron.” Before I could say anything, she had disappeared and I was at the mercy of fifty or so adolescent females.

I tried to steel myself for ordeal by student. I should be used to it, at the uni I could be teaching a hundred of them and they had no respect for seniority, just knowledge. Here, surely I should be able to cope with this little group–if all else fails; they must be brow-beatable–mustn’t they?

The coffee was very good, I wished we’d had a sixth form common room like this one when I was in school, and it was so clean–where were the graffiti and the posters, the music and work tables?

“So have you made a decision?” asked Sister Maria when she came back thirty minutes later.

“Yes, Sister, Lady Cameron said she’d do it.”

“Oh brilliant–that is really good. I’m so glad, it appears we are indebted you once again.”

“I really don’t know how they got me to agree–I suspect when they threatened to murder all my girls...”

Sister Maria looked aghast and then smirked. “I’ll bet you thought you’d be able to bluster your way through this little lot, didn’t you?”

“I suspect it was actually the other way round, but how did you manage to get Matthew Hines to play Macbeth? The man is in enormous demand, being virtually a superstar as well as a damned good actor.”

“Ah–yes, I think we could be guilty of a little insider dealing there.”

“What do you mean?” I was perplexed by her metaphor.

“His niece is one of our sixth form ladies, though not here today. You heard he was delighted to hear we were going to ask you to play opposite him?–he loved your dormouse film.”

“That’s a bit different from Shakespeare–I mean, all I had to worry about was fluffing my lines or falling over logs in the dark.”

“Did they not tell you we film every workshop we do here and Mr Hines saw your cameo–he loved it. He’s also asked his friend Gordon Rashley to co-direct our effort.” When she saw my jaw drop, she smiled, didn’t they tell you that?”

“But he works for the RSC–hang on a moment, I’m out of my depth here.”

“He also saw your effort and liked it.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s good. We are expecting a sell out everynight.”

“Don’t tell me; Spielberg is producing it?”

“No, unfortunately he was busy, as was Mr Depp.”

Now if he’d been there–I’d have killed to do the part. “Ladies, I really must fly–just gotta remember where I left my broomstick.” My parting line made them all laugh but I was out punched by Sister Maria.

“Don’t worry, Lady Cameron, you can borrow mine.” The girls roared and applauded their headmistress–I was well out of my depth dealing with this lot.

Walking back to the main part of the school and the exit, Sister Maria thanked me, telling me she was sure I’d enjoy working with Matthew Hines. I was sure I would as well, but I did remind her of my past history.

“Don’t worry, all they’ll remember is your aptitude for dormouse juggling, when they come to research you.”

That bloody Youtube clip, I’d never live it down would I? Compared to Spike tiddling in my blouse after disappearing down my cleavage–a sex change is plain boring.