Sweet Dream I’ll Never have them…6

Alex pulls out of his garage and presses the button to close the doors. I’m still not really used to any of this. I think the seats are real leather. There’s this smell to them. Actually there’s a smell to everything here. The homes are old and have been updated and renovated and the entire neighborhood is nice and clean with these big wide sidewalks that are edged in bricks and there’s trees and green lawn like spaces between the sidewalk and the street. The houses have small but neat lawns in the front and flowers and other stuff planted there and…god I feel so out of place here.

I mean it’s not like I don’t know what these things are. I’ve just never lived anywhere like this. I’ve never really been in a nice neighborhood. I’ve drive past them on the bus but this is a deep look from a different view.

There’s kids out playing, doing yard stuff, lighting grills and all the normal stuff that you’d see the great American dream household do on a Sunday afternoon. It all kind of hurts to look at. There’s little kids doing things with parents that actually seem to give a shit that I’ll never get to do. I’ve only ever played ball in gym class back at my old school and I sucked enough at it and all other sports related stuff that the coach/teacher just let me sit it out on the bleachers with the other non-participants. I couldn’t have really played much of anything anyway…my body was just too empty. And I’m anti-social anyway. The only kids I knew outside of school were the little psycho-kids that were my “cousins” through the step-shits skinhead friends. School was just another exercise in survival.

But like I said it hurts, it’s this dull kind of hating someone just because they’ve got to have a better life than I did. I know it’s a shitty thing to feel about people I don’t know but…Look at me, I’m white trash’s white trash. If I had grown up in a trailer park it would’ve been about a dozen steps up.

Alex is quiet as he drives and instead of being one of those guys with a muscle car and just giving it the gas and being all macho-jock he drives carefully, eyes on the road and looking for stuff that might happen. It’s kinda nice. Calming even.

We take a few turns and side streets before pulling out onto one of the main streets and
Then drive for awhile and head out towards the airport and pull into a Stop and Save. I’ve never been in a big supermarket type of store before. It’s a new experience as we get a cart and start walking through the sections? Did you actually know they have people in these places that offer up samples of stuff? I didn’t. Alex hit’s the produce area and he buys a lot of stuff, bags on bags of citrus like four bags of oranges and some grapefruit but lemons and limes, plastic boxes of berries and bananas and the veggies, three things of carrots and celery each and you name it he was getting it. There was more food than I’ve ever seen. Frozen stuff too. I’ve never really seen or had hominy, okra, or edamame?

Alex buys other stuff too like sauces and lentils? And chickpeas? Beans, beans I know but I never had them in a bag and not out of a can. I’ve never had the fresh green beans or the peas or things like those not fresh. The cart fills up so fast and the meat he buys and orders. I’ve never seen tuna not in a can before. I can’t actually remember the last time there was meat in the apartment that they save me any of. Seven months ago I think, and it was take out fried chicken? I can remember Cliff made chilli one time and he used baked beans and packs of hot sauce and ketchup with a can of stag chilli and a can of Alpo.

Actually there were times we ate a lot of dog food. Everything home was for their next fix, everything. Everything I had too. Even the food stamps went to the dealers. But you know there’s a lot of kids who have eaten a lot of dog food. Even cat food, Mmmn yummy tuna fish sandwiches a la Friskies. The times I could get myself some peanut butter and ramen noodles I was in heaven.

Yeah there are food banks and that’d be okay but they want information. Cliff was in so many breaches of his parole that we’d never go. I couldn’t go because it’d get social services on our backs. Mom got her welfare check but it never went to stuff that we’d actually need. Check day was binge day and they’d party and stuff until it was all gone then we’d be barely scraping by.

Yeah…seeing Alex just loading the cart with whatever he wanted was a shock to me. It brings me to tears a few times as we’re getting things. I look at him. “How can you afford all of this?” He looks at me. “Adam doesn’t do the shopping thing, he’ll get what he wants on the rare occasion but neither one of them cook, it’s all pre-made stuff and going out to the restaurants. He just gave me a store credit card for the chain and a few others and he pays it off and I feed myself, he’d rather deal with me that way.” He gets this stormy kind of broody look to. “But like I said Hunter it all comes with strings. Good grades, the football team and all of that. He likes holding the purse strings, he loves the control. And he loves never letting me forget it.”

I get it; his old man is a fucking douche bag as far as I’m concerned. I’m getting he’s all about himself and the only thing that he care about Alex for is the way that Alex reflects on him.

I get having shitty fucking douche bag parents.

We head to the check out and everything gets rung through and he pays for it with his card. There’s an ID check because he’s not old enough to have a card but it’s just the girl at the cash doing her job. The manager checked his ID and that was that. Alex has a whole bunch of different credit cards in his name in his wallet. He’s also got another wad of cash. It’s so weird seeing all that cash. It’s also king of neat that they hold our groceries putting them into plastic bins on rollers and giving us this numbered ticket then Alex pulled the car up and two teenagers about our age load the groceries into the trunk of the car for us. He tips each one some money and we drive off. I’ve never heard of or seen anything like that before in my life. Okay…that might not be a bad job if people tipped fairly regularly. I’ll have to keep that in mind just in case.

Alex pulls out and we start driving again heading through streets I’m not all that familiar with until we get to the Eastland Center Mall. I look at Alex. “What are we doing here?”
“Shopping we need to get you a few things.”
“Alex, you can’t spend money on me.”
“Hunter, you have next to nothing, if you’re going to find a way to go to school and stuff then you’re going to need a bunch of stuff and I don’t mean nothing bad by saying this but you don’t have anything.”
“Yeah. Alex I know I’m broke and stuff but you just can’t just go blowing money on me and stuff, it’s not right.”
“Hunter guys get stuff for their girlfriends all the time; in my world it’s kind of expected.”
“But I’m not a girl?”
“Well if you’re not and you’re a guy then. Sometimes two guys in a relationship will have one spoil the other.”

I rub my forehead, I just feel really confused about this. I’m not sure just what the hell I am. Am I his girlfriend? His boyfriend? The thing is Alex is sitting next to me and he looks jut as confused as I do. I look at him, the more he looks like he’s trying to figure this stuff out the broodier he gets. I sigh and reach over and rub his arm…wow…it’s so hard and muscular…he looks at me and I smile at him, he still looks good in my knit cap.
“Okay, okay I mean I do need…well lots of stuff but there’s a few conditions.”
“Alright what?”
“We keep the option of me paying you back on the table. I might not ever be able to but I want to keep that option open.”
“Okay, that’s not a problem, what else?”
“Secondly, you have to spend as much on yourself as you do on me. And I get to help you pick some of it out. I mean if I’m going to be seen with you and stuff then you gotta stop looking like your football coach dressed you.”
“Okay…” He was smiling at me. It was one of those I’ve got something going on in here smiles. I smile back and then kind of realize that I’ve been touching his arm and stroking it the whole time.
He get’s out of the car and is over and helping me out of the car before I can get out of it myself. I’ve worn skirts before but I’m not used to getting out of a car and leather seats are slipperier than I thought they’d be.
He does the manners and gentleman thing for me. Well I am dressed the way that I’m dressed.

We go inside the mall and the first place we went into was the Burlington Coat Factory. Alex got me this really nice leather jacket in this deep grey like a biker’s jacket made by some Steve Madden guy I helped him shop for a nice one too that’d kind of go with the Dodge Charger he drives. It’s even a little big on him and both would have cost a bundle but it was all like 40% off so that was pretty cool. We both got some sweaters and a couple of hoodies there too.

From there we went into the main part of the mall and hit both footlocker places the guys and the girls versions of both and then over to payless shoes. I got some real footwear and yeah, I bought some girl shoes. I didn’t buy and thing with heels, I went for some flats and some almost guy looking dress shoes and some ballet slipper shoe things they looked like black bandages and had skulls on the top of them, they fit my Goth like look. I tried not to go too girly. It was harder than I thought. The guys stuff didn’t fit me right my feet are too damned small, and I was getting a lot of funny looks from the staff at regular footlocker. Alex bought some more sneakers these special ones that are supposed to work you out even as you’re walking or something. I bought a pair of the girl ones on a lark…well he gave me this kind of I dare you look.

It was kind of getting fun. And that was really kind of weird.

We hit the Bath and Bodyworks place and a few of the in promenade stalls. I got a bunch of stuff there at those things. I’m a sucker for the cheap jewelry stuff like bangles and earrings and rings and the kind of like I said dark and gothy kind of stuff.

I was eating a snack at this pretzel place taking a break from shopping and Alex was off using the bathroom when I heard the clic, clic, clic of angry heels. I turned around to see Jennifer right up in my grill. She looks at me wearing Alex’s hoodie and then at the bags of stuff. “If it isn’t the little fucking coke whore…what the fuck are you doing here wearing my hoodie?”
“It’s not yours Jennifer it’s got Alex’s name on it and he gave it to me to wear because it’s cold out.”
“Its mine you little cunt, and so’s Alex. You stay the hell away from him.”
“That’ll be hard considering I’m living with him.”

Jennifer purpled with rage.

Then she leaned down into my face. “Look you little skank, I don’t know where you’re from or who the fuck you are but you’re fucking finished you here me. I’m going to make your life a living hell and when I’m done with you, you’ll want to climb back under whatever rock you hauled your miserable ass out from under.”

I think it might be the food and the blood-sugar thing…y’know actually having something running through my system and some real sleep and everything. And I didn’t mean to but I burst out laughing in her face.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Jennifer, but compared to the hell I’ve lived through…(giggle) you threatening me…(giggle) is like getting threatened by a toy poodle…(Bwah..hah..hah!)
“You fucking Cunt!”
She screamed and then she swung at me.
There’s a part of me, that won’t hit a girl, even if I look the way that I do. Jennifer’s swing is wide and sweeping more like she’s trying to slap me with a closed fist. I’m not a fighter, but I’m from a tough neighborhood, I’ve lived a tough life. I step into the hit and tilt my head taking it on my skull rather than my face. Yeah I just take the punch. Them I look at her the same way that I looked at Cliff when he put the gun to my forehead. My dead stare through my bangs and smile at her. Then I get up out of my seat. She takes a step back, suddenly scared of me. Some of her entourage step back too. One of the other cheer-types Cynthia I think her name is pulls on her arm. “Jen, Jen…come on, don’t do this.” She even shoots me a sorry look. I blink and smile at her a little, I’m still not used to someone like her being nice to me. I take my tray and bus it. Putting the stuff in the trash when I hear a ‘look out!” from the girl. I turn to see another swing coming out of the corner of my eye. I duck this time. Jennifer swings wide and I dipped under it and side stepped but left a leg in her way to trip her. She trips from her swing and her shoes, you don’t fist fight in heels, you just don’t. Jennifer goes head first into the trashcan with a bewildered scream of anger. Her kicking sends a pump flying and tips the trashcan over.

While she’s doing that and cussing like a gang member I grab my bags and wince as I pulled something a little or something…It’s my fault, I thought I was safe…I’m not gonna cry, crying doesn’t help, it doesn’t solve anything. I’m not gonna cry…I feel the start of another headache coming on.

Of course this is when Alex shows back up and he’s looking pissed at them, at Jennifer then he looks at me. That angry look turns to this I’m so sorry look and he comes over to me and holds me. I can’t help it. My first reaction is flinching. He takes The bags and leads me away. Jennifer’s up by now. “Alex!, Alex!, is it true? You moved that little bitch in? What about me Alex? We’re supposed to be together Alex!, How could you do this to me?” He rounds on her. “This, this is why we’re not together. You’re mental Jennifer, hell I don’t even really matter to you. If I didn’t have the cash or the cars or being on the team you wouldn’t care…We’re done, we totally and utterly done got that. You know why? It it’s because Hunter’s got something you’ll never have.”

She looks like he slapped her and she looks me up and down and at me like I was dogshit that she stepped in…It hurt, it drove the pain from her attacking me deeper home and wrecking my tiny little patch of calm and safety. You ever get looked at with so much contempt you want to crawl into a hole and die? It was just like she could see everything wrong with me… “What could THAT have that I don’t?”

He looked at her and then turned and looked at me with this sweet smile. I never seen him have that look before, I never had anyone look at me like this before. That smile went as deep into him as I could see. “Heart Jennifer, Hunter has real Heart, you’ll never have that, not now and not ever.” He wrapped and arm around my shoulders and led me away and out of the food court.

I want to leave, I really wanted to leave but at the same time I’ve never been more stunned?, Shocked?, Surprised? Nobody has ever stood up for me in my life. Nobody has said anything like that about me in my….ever…we get maybe five minutes of walking through the mall before it really hits me and kicks in.
“Hunter?”
“huh…”
“Are you okay?”
“huh…”
Alex get the bags set on a nearby bench and turns me to face him. He’s looking at me…he said…he protected… “Hunter, c’mon you’re scaring me a little, are you okay?”
I look at him. He’s got this look, this concern in his voice, written over his face. I step up and go up on my tip toes and kiss him. I’ve kisses him before but this was different. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt like this…I break the kiss after like three or four real minutes. I’m breathless, so’s Alex.
“Alex?”
“Y….yeah?”
“Thank you?, Nobody has ever said stuff like that before, nobody has ever given a shit before…Just…thank you.”

Alex steps up and pulls me into his arms and there’s a moment where I’m expecting the kiss but instead I feel those huge arms wrap around me and it’s like he’s folding himself around me and shielding my from…nothing, everything…he’s just doing it. Holding me and letting me feel safe.

Safe is something that’s so rare and so beautiful…It’s like I’m breathing it in as Alex is holding me and I can feel my body shaking at first like one of those abused animals you see on animal planet…my throat get’s thick with emotions and I’m getting a bit of a headache from these feelings bubbling up inside too fast, so…and he holds me. He sways back and forth like we’re dancing or something. I’m actually allowed to just be…he just does that, holds me, sways and lets me just soak in him, in the safety he’s letting me have.
I can literally feel myself calming down. I keep my head to his chest and try to slow myself to his slow steady heartbeat. Goddamned he smells good…I’ve never felt, or smelled guys that smelled like he does or that heady just hinting of giddy in a strange way that I’m feeling now.

I take a deep breath and look up at him. Alex kisses me back then. His eyes are so…I feel warm, warmer the awake, too awake the there’s this wave as the kiss goes into like minute three and I can’t help it, I didn’t do it…it just happened like a reflex, all on it’s own…I swear. My left leg lifted off the ground just a foot or so off the floor…just like I was some girl.

After the way he’s just been.
I’m not sure I care just what I am right now.
I just feel good, better than good actually, better than I’ve ever felt in my life.

The rest of the shopping is a blur and really quick, We just go to Macy’s and We both buy jeans and underwear and some track wear and stuff like that. I get a bunch of make up that I’m going to like to wear for my goth look and Alex talked to the cosmetics girl and showed her something on a folded up paper. He ends up buying a bunch of stuff she picked out and a bunch of other package deal stuff like L’Oreal or Este Lauder and stuff like that. It’s closer to closing and supper when we leave and drive home?
It oddly feel more like home than when we left this afternoon. I put our stuff in the wash because you never know who handled your stuff in the store and Alex puts away the food and cooks us some supper.
It’s not fancy but it’s one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. Loose cooked up hamburger and onions, cooked macaroni and a can of tomato soup in it and stirred up. Homemade hamburger helper?
I ate like five whole ladles of it. Like two and a half bowls of it and a slice of bread and butter. He made me a tea and we actually curled up together on his couch to watch TV something called Criminal Minds?
I got about  ½ my tea down and twenty minutes of the show before drifting off. Alex actually behind me one arm draped over my side. It was feeling him breathing against my back that knocked me out.
I woke up with a bit of a panicky jolt/flinch as Alex lifts me into his arms and carries me to the bedroom. The wall clock says 10:23 PM it was eight something when I crashed. I calm down when I realize what he’s doing.
I kiss him on the cheek. “Thanks Alex but I’ve gotta uhm get ready for bed and use the bathroom and stuff.” He smiles a bit and sets me down. “You want a night-cap? Maybe a hot chocolate?”
“Thanks, I’d love one.”

He smiles a little bit again and I grab a clean pair of panties and dig my fleece PJ’s out of the dryer I like them they’re got Snoopy as a pilot and Woodstock on them too. I take a bath again. I love that, I love being clean, I love being warm, I love that I can soak my hurts away
.
My scalp burns a bit when I sink under the water and when I use the shampoo and stuff. I’ve got a small cut in my scalp from Jennifer’s rings. I’m used to much worse…I kind of relive the whole thing and you know after what happened, I wouldn’t have changed anything, I can’t help but smile as I relive Alex yelling at her…defending me…holding me.
It’s keeping the fact she shattered that I was starting to feel safe, if only for just awhile.

I climb out and dry off and get dressed and blow dry out my hair. I love my PJ’s.
I’m passed a mug of hot chocolate once I’m out and headed to the dryer to fold up the clothes. I’m sipping it and folding the clothes after I tossed them on the bed. Alex comes over and smiles at me.
“Hunter, can I do something?”
“What…?”
“It’s a surprise…”
“Will it hurt?” I’m a little nervous.
“No, it’s just something I need to show you.”
About a hundred things run through my head and I nod.
“Close your eyes.”
I do, and there, these feelings of him touching my face, brushing it with things, using eyeliner and mascara on my and even lip paint…He’s putting make up on me?
“I know what you’re doing Alex, you better not make me look like a clown, I just got out of the bath. The response I got was “Shuuuuush.” and then a few moments later. “No, not a clown…All finished.” He kisses me like he did at the mall. “Goodnight Hunter.” I heard him leave the bedroom and actually opened my eyes and just caught him walking out and down the hall to the living room.
I get up and go to see the damage.
I look in the mirror and my breath catches in my chest….I’m…I…I look like the way that he drew me, that girl, that Me more than I’ve ever been me.
I’m the girl in the picture.
…………………………
…………………………