In the nearly 10 years since my SRS, I have had many Urinary Tract Infections to the point that at my next Doctor's visit, I plan to talk about getting my Neo-Vagina removed. Because of my Amish conditioning perhaps, I have never gotten my head around having sex with a male outside of a lawful marriage, so it has had no use outside of my plastic bf. My hypothesis is that due to lack of use, germs build up in there and indirectly provide the source of the UTI germs.

I also plan to discuss the use of Lavage to perhaps keep that more clean.

I do not plan to live as a man.

Practicing some radical distraction, I was cruising YouTube when I found an hour long video of "Similarillion", a JRR Tolkien story about the beginning of all things. I was actually quite lovely. Then moving on I found a series of beautiful and astonishing videos by Skyrim that were so impressive to me. How do they write the code to do that and then to make the figures move so realistically? Then the scum on the bottom included some Rape Fantasy videos, apparently many countries outlaw them, but it does not seem like America does. :(

Please, no suicide intended.

This afternoon as I was getting undressed after a bike ride, and mulling over the plot of a story that has me by the ear. I spotted several little gnats flying around inside the clear tank of my vaporizer. It only took a moment to take care of the little pricks; didn't want them laying eggs or defecating in there.

I'm in the middle of a struggle that is costing me lots of emotional strength and my two best friends don't even care, and in fact view my efforts in this area as fruitless, even silly. I don't force my views on others but if they decide to ridicule my own, there is no respect; they seem to feel they have a right to tear at things that make all the difference to me, the only reason I stay alive.

To those who talk to me on SKYPE. I have huge issues with it right now because Microsoft installed it on my desktop using my real name. I am trying to fix this but it looks hopeless right now. So, I will not be using skype.

Lately I have been shying away from anything violent or depicting violence. It's gotten so bad that even too much tension in a movie or story will cause me to walk out or close that page.

A huge surprise this last week or so. A Saudi Arabian friend of mine asked me if I could put up a female college grad until she finds an apartment, and now she will be moving out on the 15th, and that will have been three weeks. My Saudi Friend does not know about me and neither does she, and I'm not telling. It's given me a rare opportunity to glimpse into the female world.

Experienced my first ever "Denial of Service" yesterday at a Sheri's in Hood River of all places. I've eaten in Hood River before, while out on one of my many sanity restoring "walkabouts". It was done carefully and craftily so I would not be able to file a grievance.

Donald Trump has made hatred even more prevalent than it ever was.

To those who have routinely been discriminated against, I am sorry that you had to go through that.

Since 2004, life has been unimaginably hard at times but over the last 5 or so years it has gotten much easier. Being the odd sort that I am, I never really engaged with the LGBT folk's political agenda, choosing to simply be a woman. I've learned a lot about writing, but lack the talent to ever be a star. I'll likely be increasingly absent because, for now at least, I have lost interest in the whole male to female thing, and never had any interest in the female to male one.

A so called "transgender woman" got caught in Idaho taking photos in a changing room in Target. Sigh ... Life just got a lot harder. I'd like 5 minutes with this person ...

I doubt that this was anything but a set up; and that "Shauna" is transgender.

I sat with my Counselor of some 11 years today talking about some Meyers Briggs testing that was done on me in 2003 and a similar test done on me in 1966. In records that were with the 2003 tests was a test that said that I am an INFP (Meyers Briggs Personality Type). I can say that the assessment describes me perfectly and as she read the information, she somehow interpreted it to mean that I could react violently to certain situations. At the time I thought nothing of it but upon reflection simply can't figure out where she got that.

A couple weeks ago, I went to the VA to get a Doctor to look at a spot on my back that never heals, so I wanted to see if it was Cancer. Spent about a half hour with the doctor and left, and then in about a few days I get a call from another Doctor that said that she was told that I wanted to start living as a man again. What ?!? The!

As authors, if we are going to be any good, perhaps we learn to sort of "be" other people since we must develop characters as we write a story and most often our stories have more than one person in them. As I have been thinking about this, perhaps lots or even most T folk learn to be more than one person in our real lives and each of them are very real. Then I thought about a police officer who must be an authoritarian figure at work, and when he gets home he is dad, hey you, or some such.

This is by no means intended to be enticement by anyone on psych medications to deseat them. Please do not stop taking medications that are working for you.