This is by no means intended to be enticement by anyone on psych medications to deseat them. Please do not stop taking medications that are working for you.
The events of the past several weeks finally drove me to the ground and rather than take my own life I began to look around for things to make me more effective in mine. At one time I was on huge doses of psychotropic medications, starting in 2001 and continuing until 2008. The dosages were so strong that two Doctors that those drugs made me extremely suggestible. They were Welbutrin, Celexa and Trazodone. They may be listed under other names also. These days they are all still used but in greatly reduced dosages, so may be safer.
I am convinced that those drugs caused me to act on my GID in a way that was ultimately extremely destructive to me and those around me. I am not saying that there was any sort of plot or negative agenda involved. I think all involved were functioning to the best of their knowledge.
I will speak only about my withdrawal from the last drug, Trazodone. It has been one week since I stopped taking it and had previously been on it for 14 years. The first several nights were like a session on roofies. Last night I slept better and I have been napping when I felt like it during the day. My Fibro Mialgia symptoms have disappeared. I am not wearing 3" inch heels with no pain. My mind is clearer. My digestion is still very weird but I am hoping that it will clear. My neuropathy like symptoms in my feet and hands are gone. My chest pain on exertion is gone. My headaches are greatly diminished. According to Pubmed, it may take a year for my withdrawal symptoms to pass.
I have not had a single suicidal thought in days. Previously it was several times a day.
While I have not gotten around to feeling happy yet, I can see that on the horizon, though I have a surprising strength now when my ire is aroused. I am quite sure that I am no submissive.
To those who have been my friends and were otherwise supportive over the years, thank you.
Khadijah Gwen Brown
Comments
hmm
"While I have not gotten around to feeling happy yet, I can see that on the horizon, though I have a surprising strength now when my ire is aroused. I am quite sure that I am no submissive."
Domination/Submission in a relationship does NOT mean one side is a door mat.
It is an agreed upon power exchange. The Submissive can and often does feel angry at things in life, even express the anger.
The Relationship has to have room for this to happen, both sides have to be able to express their feelings honestly or the relationship is toxic.
The tripod that any long term relationship needs to survive, open honest communication, trust and respect. When the relationship strays into the 'kink' realm this becomes even more vital since abusive situations can happen even more easily.
If you choose to gift control over part or all of your life to someone else, you still have the right to express everything. Anyone who does not accept that is someone who is very likely to be an abuser.
No two couples will have exactly the same relationship, specially on the BDSM spectrum where BDSM has multiple meanings.
Bondage Domination/Discipline Submission/Sadism Masochism.
I know submissives that are not masochists, they have zero interest in that type of scene. For them, an evening of waiting hand and foot on their partner, possibly including sex but not always, is a fulfilling scene. A control or lack of, not pain being the part that is important to them.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
addendum
My post is my opinion and I hold it strongly.
everyone I know involved in the kink lifestyle, SSC or RAC, shares it.
SSC = Safe, Sane, Consensual.
RAC = Risk Aware Consent.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
Finally, someone who knows something ...
12 years after my divorce, I know that I was in an abusive relationship for 39 years. Being thrown out was the best thing that ever happened to me. After the divorce, when I was on sack loads of prescription drugs, I got interested in the kink community but they were not interested in me and that hurt me greatly. Years later, no longer on drugs, I now see that I was/am probably not suited to it due to my past. It's been years, but I have been known to disassociate and no Dom will touch me. Now days, feeling much better I sometimes wonder if I am actually a Dom? Having lived through hell, there is just no way that I would ever knowingly abuse anyone.
I do like spankings, me being the recipient, but it must be done by a very good um "spanker". I am still learning to deal with my unmedicated self, and right now it feels pretty trippy, actually a little nervous about it, wouldn't want my own issues driving a side of me that I would later be ashamed of.
yeah, it can be hard
to connect with someone within the kink scene. you need to be fairly stable mentally and emotionally for most to be interested. While it sounds bad, it is actually a benefit, since you don't get yourself into an abusive situation. Very few will even think of getting into a scene with someone who has had even a bit to much to drink, in order for you to make good choices you need to be of sound mind to much to drink even makes your choices unsound.
I went to a fetish fashion show with friends, made myself a flogger while there. They opened a playroom after the show and only two people did any playing, I flogged one of my friends for the entire time the playroom was open and the DM got to play on another station with a few of the girls. no-one wanted to disturb the encounter, instead we just had an audience of 50 people for it.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
Still getting to know myself.
I haven't spoken to the person I am wakening since 2001, so do not feel as though I know that person at all. Already it is clear that I am not meek, and do not tend to brook foolishness kindly. I may not like him/her at all, but considering the nasty physical side effects, going back on the drug does not feel like a good option. This is really a period of uncertainty right now. Perhaps, as time passes it will feel more centered.
I must remain a woman. With BC Breasts and summer coming on, there is no hiding that. Feeling increasingly clear headed, and much less tolerant to extraneous bullshit. I remember some of the stories I wrote in the 90's and just don't know if they were any good. I was a man that liked women to be women and behave. Yet, no one was more protective of women than me.
When I try to be a man, people see a dyke with a chip on her shoulder. NO, I am not wearing pants! Feeling pretty happy, just wishing that this toilet I'm in would either flush or stop it...