I have been reading about Leelah Alcorn, and even though I never knew her in life, I find myself feeling a strong connection with her death.
Because I've been where she was.

Two times I had a plan, and came within moments of carrying it out, and once I simply found myself with a knife at my wrist not even remembering putting it there.

I have tried to "pray away the trans" as hard any person could, and with every bit of sincerity I possess.
I have been to Christian councilors looking for someone to "cure" me.

I have wondered if God hated me.

Well, I have had a busy Christmas.

Sharon called me not long after I had come home and gone to bed, telling me that she had fallen, and was bleeding.

I drove over, picked up her and my daughter, took Sharon to the hospital and brought my daughter to my house to wait for word.

Finally, about 2:30, she called and we went and picked her back up at the hospital and took her and my daughter to their home.

I am a little nervous.

I am going over for dinner on Christmas night at an aunt's, and most of my relatives who might be there will never have met Dorothy before.

I find myself fighting between a desire to drab up as much as possible and remain hidden vs. feminizing myself and standing proud ...

I am really struggling with my latest attempt at a story. Anybody want to take a look at what I have and make a suggestion?

Do you guys mind if I stand on a soapbox for moment?

I saw the movie "Big Hero 6" today.

I had been struggling with my emotions after having a flashback, and so I decided to do something to shake myself out of it rather than stew, and so I went to the movie.

It is an awesome movie, but what hit me was the themes, which I found pretty profound for a Disney film - grief, vengeance, and justice.

got a heads up that someone is trying to call themselves "Dorothy Bellion Mee" on Facebook and is trying to get my friends to friend them

If you're on Facebook, please report this person if they contact you, its not me!

Well, Sharon has told us that its confirmed that she will be going in for surgery, and so we will be hosting my daughter for at least four days - Friday through Monday.

This is going to be the most time I've spent with my daughter since we separated, and her mother is super against my transition and no doubt has pushed that view on Samantha, so I am kinda nervous ...

I am reading a very good book on recovering from trauma called "Conversations with a rattlesnake".

Its by former NHL hockey player Theo Fleury, and in the book he (along with therapist Kim Barthel) covers how to retrain your brain as you recover from your past.

The book contains some frank discussion of rape (Fleury was molested by his hockey coach), so gentle people prone to triggers will struggle at times, but it really is worth the read.

You know, if you had tried to tell me five and a half years ago when I first joined Big Closet, that one day I'd be standing in front of a group of people at a church and telling them about being trans, I never would believed you. But it happened, and a big reason why is the love and support I've received on BC and elsewhere online.

So, to all those who have sent me support over the years, let me say ...

Thank you all so much.

Every one of you rocks.

And huggles for everyone!

I was listening to the local Christian radio station, and they play some kid-friendly shows on Saturday, including a show called "Adventures in Odyssey".

Well, I had missed part of the program today, but I heard a student and teacher talking, and the teacher said, "In computers, you have hardware and software. The hardware is how the computer is made, the software is what makes it run. Gender is like software, and its changeable, especially nowadays."

The last couple of days the link to the chat site seems to be missing. I really miss chatting with

Sighs ...

Well, last night I had a pretty good night out, as my brother and sister-in-law took my mom and me out for dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday.

They gave my mom a framed picture of my grandfather on his tank taken during WW II, which got my mom reminiscing about those dark years during which she could only hope and pray her dad would make it home.

So as Remembrance Day approaches, don't just think of the soldiers who fought. Take a moment to remember the families who lost out as well.

Huggles for everybody.

I have another free idea to give away.

Setup like this:

A ordinary man is home alone, when suddenly two imp-like beings suddenly appear. He asks "What exactly is going on here?"

And one of the imps says to the other "She wants to know exactly, does she?"

"That's what she said" says the other.

"What do you mean, 'She'?" says the man ....

Take it from there!

Because my muse gives me more ideas than I can possibly use, I want to give away an idea to anybody who wants it (For free!)

Here's the pitch::

Remember the movie "What women want"? A man (played by Mel Gibson) suddenly gets the power to read the thoughts of woman.

But what if, no sooner than he figures out he cant read the thoughts of men, he finds out he can read the surprisingly feminine thoughts of a closeted trans woman?

What would happen next?

Well, that's up to whoever takes the idea and runs with it.

Have fun writing, everybody!

Had to take my daughter to a Medi-center today, and apparently she has the same low-iron issues her mother has.

They want her to start taking a proscription-strength iron supplement and add more iron-rich foods to her diet.

Sighs ...

Between this, my mom's accident (She got hit by a drunk driver last night. She's okay, but the car's badly damaged) and stressing over my lecture, my spoon supply is getting dangerously low ...