Sierra’s home for the night and we talked. Actually, she observed I was nervous and unwilling to talk about things to others. She followed me up to my room, saying, “Out with it Rose, what’s up?”

Numerous times, I said, ‘I can't, or ‘you wouldn’t understand’ in various ways. We went talked about other things but it came back to this time and again.

Finally, Sierra said, “I remember being a young girl about your age. I too had been invited as a freshman to the prom. I was both excited and scared. But you’re right I wouldn’t fully understand you because I was only a girl.”

Sierra asked, “What are you most anxious about in going to the prom with Brad?”

“I’m afraid, I’ll look like a fool. I am excited about getting a pretty gown, and the expense of it if I become too afraid to go. I am glad Brad wants to take, me but what if he comes to his senses and becomes embarrassed to be with me? I want to help make him happy, but what if we go too far?”

Sierra moves next to me and hugs me, saying, “Slow down.” She asks, “Have you sensed your body getting excited being around Brad or Therese?”

“Who told you? I hadn’t told anyone.”

Sierra said, “I guess these feelings are not exclusive to sisters. I felt those things and more and I was also afraid. Luckily, Shannon sat and talked with me, much like us now.”

I said, “Sis, you’ve accomplished so much and you’re mature. It can’t be the same.”

Sierra said, “As I said, I had Shannon as well as Mom and the girlfriends around us.

“But.” I said, “I feel like a little girl in over her head. What if I can’t stop him nor myself?” I’m embarrassed that I said too much.

Sierra calms me back down. She asks, “You know how you boys often act tough but inside are afraid?” I acknowledged that.

“Girls often outwardly act mature, but inside can feel like that little girl you’re feeling like. So many of your friends and I have watched you the past three months and you’ve handled everything better than one could have imagined.”

“I’m surprised to hear, though it makes sense that you’ve been stuffing so much inside… It endears you more to me to see my little sister/brother not have it as well together as I thought.” She hugs me and I begin to cry.

I actually am feeling better than I let these bottled-up feelings and thoughts out, but I need to cry and I do. I appreciate Sierra letting me cry and not trying to ‘fix me, but I don’t like crying.

“Sierra, what do you think people will say if I back-out from going to the prom? Brad would still have time to find someone.”

Sierra still has one arm around me, but we can see each other eye to eye. “That’s your right and people would need to accept that. I just want to encourage you to take the time to make a good decision.”

“Could you give me some good reasons for going and some good reasons for not going,” Sierra asked?

I said, “Like Christmas, this might be the only chance I get as Rose. The idea of shopping for a beautiful gown and wearing it to prom is so spectacular that I can’t even imagine it. Plus, as others have said, Brad is kind of a hunk plus he’s sensitive.”

“On the other hand, I’m afraid, if I do it, I’m afraid, there is no going back to being Rob. What if I’m not a girl, but gay? I’m not as mature as other girls my age.”

“I want to look pretty for Easter and I want to be strong and mature to meet the ship as Rose. I don’t know if I can stop or if I even want to.” We talked on and talked things out.

Sierra said, “Why don’t you go run a nice warm bubble bath and relax before you go to bed.”

Come morning I wasn’t sure what I should do, but I wanted to make a decision and get it done. Anne was the first to call, and I asked about Therese whom she said, was hurt, “It will take her a fair amount of time to get over it.”

I quickly said, “That’s it, I’m not going to the prom!”

Anne tried to tell me I’m making another hurried decision, but I told her my mind was made up. I hurried and called Brad and told him, what I had decided. He exploded, which I considered good as it made the break easier.

Since I had put my outfit for today out last night, and it was a casual and everyday sort of dress. It was a skirt and blouse and I was presenting as Rose. The school day started kind of normal. I told a few of my decision about not going to the prom and received a mixed reaction of surprises, to calm acceptance of my decision and two people asked if this was the beginning of the end for my being Rose.

It wasn’t until after lunch when Megan Thomas confronted me that I met with a really strong reaction one way or the other. Megan matter of factly grabbed me by the hand and we went into one of the isolated study rooms of the library. She wasn’t yelling, but it was good we were in a soundproof room. “How dare you,” she said.

Megan is a year younger than Brad but still a grade ahead of me in school. I knew of her before and as Brad’s sister, we had become friends. She said, “I know you have the right, but how ungrateful you are in the way you’ve gone about it.”

“My brother’s gone out of his way to be nice to you and protect you. It even cost him some friends. It would have been better if you never had said yes to going to the Prom. …You might not remember but boys have feelings too.”

I broke down as I tried to speak, “Megan, it wasn’t about him. I got scared. Things moved too fast. I hurt Therese and I’m not sure about being a girl. Getting a gown and being with your brother, I’ve become afraid. I didn’t mean to hurt him. He acted angry not hurt on the phone.”

Megan said, “What did you expect, your surprise came out of the clear blue. He was excited when you called; you don’t share that kind of news on the phone and then hang up.”

“He did you and the Cheer Team a favor. You were an awkward boy dressing sometimes as a girl. He’s a good guy and didn’t want you hurt or the cheer team hurt. He and Sharon have been the best of friends since they were kids. Then you became attractive and you danced together. He came to like you a lot. I don’t think he saw himself as gay, but he fell for you.”

I said, “I’ve come to like him too. That’s what scares me. I’m afraid if I go to the prom, I’d go too far.”

A librarian tapped on the door asking if we were alright. We told her yes and said we needed another five minutes.

Finally, I asked, “What shall I do, he probably hates me now? I don’t want to change my mind if he hates me.”

Megan said, “He’s hurt, and angry how you did it, but he knows you didn’t do it to hurt him. He defended you to our Mom. …Actually, you probably shouldn’t quickly change your mind. That kind of thing causes you too much trouble. …He doesn’t know I’m talking to you, he might become angry with me for talking to you. But it wouldn’t hurt if you called him and talked. Maybe let him know you need time so he doesn’t quickly ask someone else.”

I said, “You wouldn’t mind if he and I were back together?”

Megan smiled, “Truly, I didn’t come here to change your mind, but to give you part of mine. I wanted to hate and hurt you. But you have those innocent doe eyes that are hard to dislike. I know you’re a novice as a girl.” Megan grins, “There’s also a perverted side to this sister; who has already imagined him making out with you.”

Megan was in a position to see the time and knew the bell would ring. She gave me a hug and left.

Come, at the end of the day when I went to my locker, I saw Brad at the end of the hall. He got within ten feet but came no closer. I said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, it was about me. I need more time, though I’ll understand if you don’t give it. I don’t deserve it.”

Brad said, “You hurt me… If three days is enough, fine; after that, I’m not sure. What you did is so unlike you I know.” There was no touching, hug, or good-bye we just went our different ways.

My mother called me, “So what do you think about looking for a prom dress this evening?” I had not told her that I had told Brad I wasn’t going.

“Mom, I’m not sure I’m going to the prom.” Mom wanted to know more and while I tried to explain. I finally said, “Can we talk when you get home?”

When my mother came home, she called me in with her as she changed out of her teaching clothes to relax. We were having a mother-daughter time, something I had never experienced. She felt for me as I was finally growing up and letting others into my life. One thing she said that struck home for me was, “I hope, not only that you can come to a good decision for you. But that you and Therese can find a way to continue as good friends. Girlfriends like Therese and Anne are things I hope you can treasure for years to come.” Our talk went on long enough that we went out to eat.

I had continued to dress as Rose for school, my subtle message that I was still a girl. It was two days before I decided ‘yes’ to go to the prom with Brad. It came in a request to sit together and alone at lunch.

Brad’s joy was confirmation to our friends that we were back together. I quickly got a text from Anne, it just said, “Happy!” Soon a similar message came from Therese. I simply text her back, “Thanks, you are precious to my heart.”

Sonja sought me out after school, “Rose, how was it?” She agreed to give me a ride home, but we end up at Aunt Karen’s instead. Aunt Karen is seven years younger than our dad and much more of a free spirit. “Your sisters haven’t talked to you about their times with Aunt Karen, because you tended to tell your folks. …But now it’s your turn.” And we were off first to Victoria Secrets where I got a matching bra and panty set that I wouldn’t have dared to ask my mom for. I also got a pair of pink terrycloth short shorts. And once back to Aunt Karen’s it became obvious, my cousins and Uncle Jake was staying away! An early movie we’re told.

Aunt Karen did make sure I had and kept on my gaff as she ordered me to strip down. “Have you heard of a bikini shave,” she asked? Truthfully I hadn’t and was embarrassed to a crimson red when she told me. Sonja giggled and joyfully hugged me from behind when I was in my prone position for the deed to be done.

I put on my new panty to confirm Aunt Karen had done her job well. I was all put back together before my uncle and cousins returned with pizza. My cousins were all five years or younger than me. I couldn’t help but wonder when I saw Patti if and when Aunt Karen might help her or have a younger woman to do it.

Come Saturday, Mom wanted to take me shopping for a prom dress. Being the day before Easter I was committed as a member of the Cheer Team to hide eggs and to help monitor the egg hunt, making sure each child got at least one.

Come little Marie Trullo’s hunt for eggs. I gave my responsibility over to Anne so I could help Marie. Her Dad had been called into work and Audrene expecting twins had trouble waddling around. If she had to carry Marie the tasks would have become impossible. We were able to get three eggs, but we were bumped out of the way for two others. I was able to give her one more, though it wasn’t a prize egg.

Wearing my Dort the Destroyer uniform for a morning egg hunt was chilling, to say the least. But it was nice to receive the affection of so many children. I think the bunny was a little bit jealous as some young children were scared of the costumed bunny but were by now used to me. I did get to give one of the prizes to the third and fourth graders. It is was basketball signed by all of our high school girls’ championship team. It was heartwarming to see Brenda Hop's delight in getting it.

The hunt ended before and was all cleaned up by noon. I got to enjoy a hot chocolate to get warm. While I was drinking my hot chocolate, Coach House came over to greet me bearing a sheet of paper. “Rose, I want to give you this flyer and encourage you to come. If you’re Rose next year, I would like to have you as a cheerleader.” She handed me flyers for two cheerleader camps. One was hers held for two weeks at our school. The other she was only an assistant, but it was held at a girl’s camp down at the shore.

I stared at her and didn’t need to say a word. Finally, without my asking, Coach House said, “Yes, you are wanted and welcome to come. I even have someone near the camp who would help with your housing and other needed arrangements.”

It was 1:00 o’clock when I got home and 2:00 by the time I showered and was changed to go looking for a prom dress. This time our second stop was back at Glamour Bridal Gowns and More. Tiffany, my saleswoman from before, seemed anxious like she had been looking for me to come in today.

Tiffany said, “Look around and I will help you however I can. I even set aside a new dress for you to consider.” I wanted to know where the new dress was right off, but Tiffany and my Mom agreed with each other that I should try to find one on my own. There was no shortage of dresses I enjoyed trying on. Two of them would do well as my prom dress. Two other gowns were fantastic to try on, but if I got either one. It would have been the gown and not me that people would have commented on as they both would be overwhelming if I wore them. Sierra and Mom were hesitant to agree to fast not wanting to hurt my feelings.

We turned to Tiffany and she finally agreed to show us the gown she thought was right for me. My expectations were kind of down, but they quickly changed as she brought out a shimmering red gown with lace on the upper portion and pink tooling flowing over the arms and the main body of the gown. My first impression, I thought it was wonderful, but worried that it wouldn’t look good on me.

Tiffany said, “I know, both Sierra and Sonja have worn corsets. I think this gown will fit and look nice without a corset. However, I think it would look way more eloquent if she wears a corset.” Everyone became silent as three sets of eyes turned my way.

Sierra finally asked, “So little sis are you woman enough to try it with a corset? Instead of squeezing into a size 8, you will elegantly turn into a size six.”

I didn’t want to act too excited, hence calmly I said, “I guess it won’t hurt to see how it would look. I love the dress.”

I was embarrassed as I had to undress down to my panty, even my bra, for now, had to go. Mom said the corset was neither the cheapest nor terribly expensive. The boning and stiffness were all new to me. As it tightened I was glad for the flexibility it did have along with the curves it enhanced. Tiffany said, “You will see in a moment that your gown will nicely nestle your breasts within it. It will also help to know more about the kind of bra we might have you wear with it.”

My mom tried to convey to Tiffany that wearing bras had molded my upper body fat to appear as breasts. Tiffany said, “What is happening here is confidential as far as I’m concerned. But the nipples and aureoles indicate more and that lends itself to what we’re looking for in her fitting the gown.”

Tiffany turns to me, “Rose are you comfortable with the corset and ready to see how you look in the gown?” She fitted breast forms under my breasts to lift what I had. She brought a full slip down over my head and body the appearance of the forms and corset melted away. I hadn’t noticed but the slip had cutaways designed to match up with the skirt of the dress. So while most of the gown was snug as designed the slits made for the ease of moving my legs and look graceful.

Mom and Sierra helped Tiffany guide the gown over my head and down my body. It felt like cool water cascading over me. My arms went up in the sleeves as the rest of the dress came flowing down my body. There were places that the fit was nice and snug until it reached the right place. There were both buttons as well as a zipper that helped bring it all together. I was in front of a long mirror watching it come together and I was delightfully amazed.

I couldn’t believe myself I was bringing my hands up toward my mouth a gesture I saw played out numerous times by my sisters. I thought it was silly then and found it lightly amusing now. My gesture was not lost on Sierra, “Deja vu, no.” She was being nicer to me than her little brother was to her.

Tiffany handed my mom the price tag; Mom, in turn, showed Sierra. “It is not cheap, but I thought it could have been more expensive.” Mom turned to me. “So what do you think is this your prom gown or do we continue to look?”

I asked, “But how much does it cost, is it too expensive.”

Mom said, “That’s not the concern right now. Is this the one you’d like as your prom gown?”

Sierra speaks up, “This is how Mom was with each of us. It is not very expensive if it is the right gown. Your senior year when you’re tempted to want to go overboard; then Mom and Dad will have you sharing part of the expense. Plus you still have shoes, hosiery, hand purse, jewelry, hair, and more, but it all revolves around you and your gown.”

Mom turns to Tiffany, “Taubate it all up including the corset, and breast pushup forms and give me a good price and it’s a sale. I hope your seamstress will fit it for her more appropriately. I am not sure how patient she will be in standing for that or coming back for another fitting, but she needs to learn if she wants it.”

A seamstress took the better part of an hour looking, pulling, measuring, and pinning. I didn’t have to select my shoes but I needed to decide if it was to be 3, 3½, or 4” heels I would be wearing. I went with four-inch heels knowing I could change to 3½” without a problem with the dress.

Standing there for the fitting, I realized I would need more practice in heels before the prom. I received a swatch as well as a phone picture of me in the gown. Mother paid sixty percent of the cost with the rest due after the last fitting.

I was glad it all went so smoothly, but I was wondering why my mom or dad allowed me to do it without a big fuss being made. I expected more resistance if not attempts to stop the whole thing. It was 10 p.m. when I finally approached my mom as she was alone reading in our living room. “Mom, I want to thank you again for taking me shopping and buying the beautiful gown for me. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I’m surprised that you and dad are being so supportive. I didn’t think Dad would be so willing?”

Mom asked me to sit down and then she said, “Honestly, your father thinks it is a mistake that you’ll regret later, but he didn’t see you understanding that or changing your mind. He thinks you’re going to get hurt living out your girl as dreams, and your image is going to be scarred for years to come. He doesn’t like seeing his only son become effeminate and wishes he had put a stop to it way earlier.”

I asked, “What do you think, Mom; do you agree with him?”

She said, “I had been in agreement, but I’ve softened my position. The more I’ve been around you and heard from your sisters and others such as Mrs. Trullo and friends of mine, I’ve changed. I had thought that you got caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. But after about the third week, something seemed to change and you were more intentional in who Rose was becoming. I think it is possible you’ll go back to being Rob and if you do; I’m hoping this makes you a better more rounded out person…

Story to be continued…