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Chapter 4
 
It's as if I was settling into being Ashley and my two lives colliding with one another: female vs. male; safely at home vs. the lure of street and below that I knew; being naive in this sophisticated world vs. street wise and pounds foolish.

PhD. Akers entered my life earlier, and now we were to be in counseling. Shes to be helping me to unfold my life, wrestling with where I have been and where I'm living now. Our big conflict, besides my resistance to her getting into my head; I wanted the goal of knowing security in the future and she wants me to relax and focus on today.

Mom and I took the subway to my first appointment and as we walked the last few blocks to Dr. Akers, I saw Norm. He was held against a store front with four other street guys around him. Others might have thought it was a nice visit, but one guy had Norm’s shirt sleeve scrunched in his grip. Some people were standing and watching, but no one would say or do anything.

“Hey, let go of his sleeve!” I said from the second line of the crowd. Mom jerked my arm, but I kept my spot long enough to see Norm run with the others steps behind in chase. Mom was right in being upset, someone could have gotten hurt.

Usually before I met with Dr. Akers, Mom would visit and share what was happening as she saw things. Needless to say, my actions on the street today were mentioned. Better than most Dr. Akers knew my street life and the present were bound to surface in conflict.

Dr. Akers assured me what I shared was confidential and I assured her that I did not fully trust that. She said, “You have passed others, why did you stop today?”

“I knew the guy being held, ” I said.

“Was he a friend? What would have happened if there was a fight,” she asked? She was already writing before I respond.

“Few friends on the street, but we did have each other’s back. Before you ask, no, he hasn’t met Ashley. He wouldn’t know me from Adam or Jane,” was my answer. “Mom was already pulling me and I wouldn’t want her in the fight. That was my answer for being a coward.”

“So you betrayed yourself?” Dr. Akers paused and I resisted answering.

“No, I did the smart thing, wouldn't you?” I was upset, “I came here to talk as Ashley that other is from the past.”

“Ashley, you can call me Anne. Yes, we will focus on Ashley. But when you want to talk about Jack you are free to decide that.”

“So you promise not to go back there, without my permission? Cause I won’t go back there.”

I hate doctors who don’t answer questions. She would remain quiet until I spoke or waited and we went to another question or somewhere else. She knew where we were going, I didn’t.

“How long have you wanted to be a girl?” she asked.

I told her, “When my sisters got to go with my mother, and they left me!”

“Did you ever want to be or act like a girl before that?” She paused, we both paused. “Did you ever go out on Halloween as a girl?”

“My sisters stuff was too small and mom’s stuff to big.” There was one time after Heidi moved there, but I wasn’t about ready to share that, Dr. Akers would make something of it.

“It looks like there was a time, when was that,” she asked?

“It was just a time over my friend Heidi’s; we were playing and we were both Indians and I wore one of her skirts.” Dr. Akers asked if we got caught. “No, not that time.”

“There usually are more if you don’t get caught; make-believe is fun at that age. How did you feel when you played a girl?”

“A boy doesn’t think about how he feels, he just does it.”

“Okay then, think back if you would and try to think about it. You don’t need to tell me, but know for yourself.” She waited and I thought. “Okay, how did you feel?”

“I thought you wouldn’t ask me?” I was defensive and upset.

“You’re right, you don’t need to tell me, more important is that you know. But I didn’t say I wouldn’t ask, only that you do not have to tell me. So I do ask.”

“I felt good at Heidi’s like I could be myself,” I said.

“I don’t know your name from back then. What happened when you got caught?”

“My name was Tom. And when Heidi’s mom caught us nothing happened. That was when I told my mother and she told my dad that it stopped. Dad said, he had two girls, he didn’t want a sissy.”

“But Tom wasn’t a sissy was he?” Dr. Akers asked and she was right.

“No, but my dad wouldn’t hear that. I lost playing with Heidi for two weeks. We were still friends and Tom wasn’t a girl so I didn’t lose anything.” But Ashley knew he lost something besides a safe place.

Time was up and I was both glad and sad to leave. I didn’t mean to speak as much as I did; I just hoped Dr. Anne wouldn’t tell anyone. I did come away, feeling good.

Mom and I went to eat and visited during our meal. “Ashley, I was scared when you yelled at that group of guys. Why did you do it and what would have happened if they turned on us!”

“Mom, the guy they were threatening was not part of their gang, I knew him. And it would be very stupid of a gang to turn on people in public. Doing what they did was calculated as a minimal risk, and I blew their cover. Norm ran away and they were smart in following him,” I said.

I explained Norm was one of the six near where I hid and we had each the other’s back. Mom asked, about him possibly recognizing me. I asked if my appearance or voice could be recognized as Jack’s.

I asked Mom if she could see changes in my appearance becoming more girl or woman like. She had and we talked mostly as mother and daughter. We shopped and found two outfits that were not completely identical but would pass for mother/daughter outfits. We went to city hall and filed the papers for me to be legally adopted as her daughter.

It was determined by information on file with the Department of Human Services that it would be mostly a matter of waiting thirty days and making proper notifications.

That evening Mom told me more of her work especially with couples and with the men being in touch with a feminine identity. I asked if I could ever be part of their group gatherings or help serve when they met at our house.

Mom said, 'We would need to take small steps and I was not to reveal my past identity to the people she was helping. Our waiter was a young man who seemingly was taking interest in me. He was seeking to remain professional but Mom imposed upon him and asked. “And how old you think my daughter is?”

“Pardon me ma’am, but I assumed she was a niece or younger sister. And I thought I hadn’t done anything wrong,” the waiter said in a nervous reply.

“You did a very good job in remaining professional, but I could tell, so I asked,” she said with a grin. “You have not answered my question.”

“I was hoping she is 17 or 18.”

“She will be fifteen next fall. You are alright in what you have done but you need to be careful as someone like her appears older and that could get you into trouble.”

“I am 19 but I have a brother 16 if she should need a date or escort.” Mom thought he was cute and sincere and she gave him her card. I wanted to sink in my seat, but don't want to look unladylike.

“I doubt that two boys could be such gentlemen but that is in case he dared to undergo a mother’s scrutiny.”

I spoke up, “If I don’t have a say in this, he need not waste his time.” Mom asked what my input would be.

“I need to know what his brother is like; I am not desperate for boyfriends?” I said a matter of factually.

It was our luck that his brother also went to Beacon Hill High School. I suspected he and Collin would be in the same grade. Walt the waiter showed us a picture of his brother Ken. “Ken does not suffer for dates either but you would be among the prettiest girls he ever dated if it would happen.”

“I appreciate the compliment but for the sake of the other girls I hope not,” I laughed.

When we got home Cathy was soon to be over and she and Mom would make supper. I would put on an apron willing do whatever they wanted me to do. Mom asked for me to sit down while we waited for Cathy. “Mom, I would like you to tell me more of what you do.”

“Ashley, when I was younger than you are now, I wanted to help the plight of women and something inside me said I needed to do so by helping guys to be better people. When I was your age, maybe a little older, that was when I first thought what men needed was for them to see and experience the world as women do.”

“The first person I introduced to the other side was an abusive jerk. We found out together the other side of him, which he was in denial of. The abuse of power didn’t bring him gratification but my feminizing him did. But there was an ugly time before pink and pastel blue permeated his blood and vision. Men tend to feel guilty for being more fully human, not just male.

“Do you get them to change and become women too?” I asked. I thought back to the dresses, shirts and blouses I have ironed. And the time I peeked and saw the clothes prepared didn’t seem as they would have fitted the women. I hadn’t thought of the men. “Mom, am I a part of your work?”

“They are good questions Ashley and I am glad you gave them voice. Because I expected you to think of the possibility. But ‘no’ to both, only one has sought to become a woman, though some live as women part of the time. I work for them to work on and heal their present relationships, not to leave them.”

“Ashley, you are completely borne out of the love of my heart. I did not expect you would move in this direction, but when you did you were immediately a child of my heart. Though I didn’t admit it to myself you're my child.” Just the way Mom said it with a confession of guilt; I was moved to tears and gave her a hug.

“One of the results that I was not initially expecting but have seen numerous times. Is the significant women, wives, daughters and co-workers reclaiming their own feminine identity; not merely in outward appearance, but moving back to relational and nurturing styles of living, reclaiming their feelings and affirming their creative natures.”

“Ashley, have you heard Cathy, Stephanie and I say how you have moved us to see things? Sometimes new and some with a deeper appreciation of whom we and others in our lives are.”

“You’re saying the conflict within me is simply my male side not accepting my being fully human?”

“No,” Bridgette said, “There is that element, but I think you will learn in your time with Dr. Akers those things are not that easy. One, you didn’t remain a boy and two, all your life has been through has had deep impact upon you. I do think you will come through that quite well in time.”

It was good people reminded me now and then I was 14. My life had changed so much and I needed to give me the time and space to deal with it all. “Mom, one thing I need is a little black or red dress.” I didn’t know where that came from but I quickly defended it.

“O that is a need?” Mom asked with a broad smile.

“Yes, I am fourteen and not a little girl. I would also like some designer jeans to slowly pull over my maturing hips. I am proud of who I am.” I worked to look at my Mom without blinking.

Everyone had a good evening and life moved on.

The next day and days ahead I focused on being me and making friends, especially with Joani, Marie and other teens in our neighborhood or who would be in our school. Joani and I made our way to Beacon Hill H.S. A new teacher Deanna Briggs and teacher Kelli Geortelli whom Joani said was a great teacher were both at the school.

Ms. Briggs would be teaching general science, biology and environmental sciences so we would have her this year and another time in high school. Mrs. Geortelli was upset that she had not been given her request to have a better classroom on the second floor. Neither classroom was in good condition, nor was either slated for needed improvements before school started back up.

I called Mom on my phone and asked her if she would spring for paint, brushes and rollers. I was informed by her and the teachers that we would not be allowed to do what we wanted. Joani had a plan and we decided not to share what we were thinking.

We had measured the two classrooms plus one of the worst classrooms further away from the main entrance Collin his friends and the girls we knew would be at the school the next day at 9:00 a.m. Mom agreed for her consulting company to buy paint for five classrooms.

Early afternoon Joani, Collin and I went to the Times Square area, where I approached a street guy, Jess, about an offer to help paint the two other rooms. Six of them would get free sub sandwiches, drinks and another agreement I didn’t share. I shared the idea in Jack’s name, telling them where Jack’s bank card was. Upon completion of the project, Jack through me would give them his pin number.

Jess said he was Jack’s closest friend; he was after me to let him know where Jack was and to meet with him. “Jack says ‘no’ to knowing where he is, but Jack will consider meeting you but I won’t make promises.”

I was surprised to find I had feelings for Jess and I looked forward to working with him and the others during the coming day. If mom knew what I was doing she did not say that evening. She wasn’t asking and I wasn’t saying. I did send a message to a TV newsman Jack Cafferty that would inform him at 10:00 a.m. what we were doing. I gave him my C# if he wanted to respond and report the event. Joani and I saw the idea as protection from someone stopping us.

Us students, Norm, Jess and four others from the street began to show five minutes before nine. I had purchased the 15 gallons of paint and supplies from stores within the school district which was not the school’s policy. Briggs and Geortelli’s rooms needed the least repairs so that is where we began both repairs and painting.

Joani and Collin’s dad was home for the day and he came as our supervisor. Mr. Richards got us started but spent most of the time with the Jess’ group because of the amount of repairs need and to limit property leaving the building.

Mr. Jack Cafferty from NYC-ABC local news called at 10:15 a.m. but he was still fifty minutes ahead of the school officials. By 11:00 a.m., when Cafferty showed, the first two classrooms had their first coats of paint. And we were with Jess’s group in the other three rooms. We had already taken before pictures of the worse classrooms. Mr. Cafferty had been there before 11 but would not broadcast his first report at noon unless word broke about what we were doing.

He was pleased to know, come 11:30 a.m. that we were under police and school orders to stop what we were doing. His ABC Noon-News broadcast made it a public opinion event. We did eat lunch in shifts but otherwise kept going. Mr. Richards was under the most pressure by authorities since he was the adult. But his name was not part of any purchase orders or payment, and after authorities showed up his hands were not on any brushes or tools.

One of the classrooms had a storage room where Jess and I bumped into each other. I had lost my balance and took hold of Jess so I wouldn’t fall. Standing face to face, we embraced with a warm kiss.

What we did in painting the classrooms was only part of the story as was the Beacon Hill School.

Between 12:30 and 4:30 we targeted five more classrooms there as well as three other schools that need such work to be done. What wasn’t being done in the New York City schools had become part of a larger news focus. On camera, school officials were upset; off camera we were creating waves that made it unsafe for them to cause us problems but it did cause them other problems.

Part of the problem was/is the red tape and turf issues not only of unions and costs of projects but who would take credit for what was done and responsibility for what more needed to be done.

Come 4:15 p.m., we finished the second coat in the last of the rooms. We would be gone by 5:00 p.m. We were being fingerprinted and in the process of being officially charged with trespassing when Mom’s lawyer put a halt to that. Mr. Cafferty did a live news report from Beacon Hill High.

Our last suggestion caused as much or an even bigger ruckus as we called for August 11, to be a volunteer school work day throughout the city or news area on an as needed basis. While most school districts were officially against what we were calling for, few school districts had the funds to address their problems. They did not want the liability of denying risk factors within their schools. But hopefully the response of volunteers would free funds to address more risky problems.

Mom’s response at home was similar to school officials with the exception she was getting praise for her contribution of paint and supplies. Most of our neighbors were surprised but proud to hear about her consulting business. What was revealed about her business was what they did as consultants at the corporate level.

Mom could have expanded her business by the response that followed, but it was not her desire to grow, as the potential for risking confidentiality and keeping her focus on a sensitive service was deemed far more important.

Instead she decided to use shopping therapy to let off some steam. I was able to get my little black dress.

The following day, Julio would again make it known he was watching and I for a change welcomed his presence. I needed to check with Jess if possible to make sure they were not hassled.

Jess was happy to see me as he wanted to know more about where Jack was. He hoped to see Jack again. I stated, “I cannot tell you where he is but I did deliver the message about you wanting to see him.” I was surprised as Ashley, I found myself interested in seeing Jess again, but now as a teenage girl. The idea was a bit repulsive as well as intriguing to me.

Julio had read my interest and reported it back to Mom. She shared it with Dr. Akers who I was scheduled to see the coming week. During the weekend there was a youth dance at one of the area churches. New York City and some of its churches provided a safe place to where straight and LGBT youth are both welcome.

I went with Collin, Joni and some neighborhood friends. I caused a bit of a stir. I was approached by Ryta, from whom I accepted a request to dance. Collin was upset that I danced with Ryta. He did dance with me again but he was noticeably cooler. Ryta said, “I am a friend of Cassie, she’s afraid to come out to others in public.”

“My dancing with you,” I said, “is not a statement of having come out. I am not afraid of dancing with you or Cassie, or what others think.” I gave her a kiss come the end of our last dance. I was both offended by Collin and afraid later on by the ramifications I had not expected.

As a street person, I had seen myself immune to judgment because I didn’t care what others thought. As Ashley I had entered back into a judgmental world that cost me in new ways. I enjoy dancing with Ryta but was confused by Cassie’s connection. I did extend an invite for Ryta and Cassie to come over sometime.

I was glad when my appointment with Dr. Akers came. She encouraged me to remain true to my thoughts. I was encouraged not too worry as I appeared to be. But with her I was free to share that my panty became warm and moist with both Collin and Ryta. Dr. Anne said “It is good that you are openly talking and not in denial. Many young teens would have acknowledged only one or the other.”

“I do feel guilty that it is both,” I said. “If this is good why do I feel so bad then?” I paused, but I didn’t need to, Dr. Anne wanted me to walk through my feelings and situation. “You want me to say, I should feel alright about my feelings for both Ryta and Collin and just own my feelings. Isn’t that what you want me to say?”

Dr. Akers smiled, but was still quiet. “I’m not sure if my interest and feelings for Ryta are from me being Jack, I know my feelings for Collin comes from being Ashley.”

Dr. Akers offered as a thought, “Would there be a reason for Ashley to like or have feelings for Ryta?”

“Well, um, she showed interest; when I think back I knew she risked in coming to me. I found that and her to be attractive. I didn’t feel bad about her or my response until later,” I said.

“So was your response to Ryta as natural and normal as your response to Collin?” Dr. Akers asked. I paused and thought, ‘yes, but I don’t think I want to be a lesbian.’

“Dr. Akers, I don’t want to be a lesbian and for others to see me as strange. I finally want to be a normal person!” I said.

“Do you know anyone else who is or might be lesbian or gay or wrestling with their identity?” She paused, “Are any of them normal or are some or all of them abnormal?”

I said, “You know what I mean, of course most are normal, but I don’t think of it normal for me; do you hear what I am saying?”

Dr Akers spoke, “Ashley take it out of being a broad general thought and make it personal from your experience. Do you know anyone who is gay or lesbian? How do you see him or her?”

“Cathy and Bridgette, but you can’t tell them. I don’t know Cathy enough, but Mom is one of the healthiest, most loving people I know. But she is comfortable with herself. She’s strong, I am not like her,” I confessed.

“Your Mom seems to be Superwoman, do you think she ever wondered otherwise? What about when she was growing up as a teenager like you?”

“You’re telling me, that my Mom had times she wasn’t sure?” I paused in thought.

Dr. Akers spoke up again, “I'm saying it could be hard on you and your mother if you think you’re growing up in the house of Superwoman. Each girl has her moments in various areas of her life growing up. Even mature women continue experiencing it.”

“Ashley, how do you see yourself now as a young teenage girl with your female body?” Dr. Akers asked.

“Are you asking about the person I see in the mirror and if I have explored my new self? I’m not sure what you are wanting,” I said. We both paused as I resisted speaking first.

“Any of the above Ashley, tell me about you,” Dr. Akers said.

“I like the new me, being and feeling like a girl, daughter and friend. I am not afraid, but I do feel more than a little guilty. Like when my nipples are aroused or I feel warm and moist. I like it but I am not always comfortable that I am a girl or that Jack should feel like that.” I paused, “Just like now, I actually enjoy when I stop and think or can smell and feel something.”

“Like, how does an orgasm feel? I have gotten warm and a lot of feelings have exploded inside, was that an orgasm. If not, can I handle it, if it really happens?”

“So have you explored this new body you have, or are you talking about things that just happened?” she asked.

“Is it bad if I did some exploring’ are you going to tell my Mom if I say anything?”

Dr. Ann smiled, “No, you would be a fairly normal girl if you did. There are some things like washing your hands to make sure you don’t give yourself an infection that would be helpful to know. The same is true if you use a lubricant to combat dryness, the lubricant should be germ free.”

It was a good session both for counseling and just learning to be a girl. I was glad that Dr. Akers did not ask Mom back for a second discussion.

Another thing, I enjoyed about these appointments was having lunch with Mom afterwards. Mom said she enjoyed it as well.

We did some window shopping and I enjoyed how other girls would give their opinions on what looked good on me. Boys would generally think that was silly, but how does one know how it looks to others. Mom did buy me two more blouses and a pair of open toe flats. We were able to get a pair of sandals at half cost.

We were back walking to a subway when Jess said hello and wanted to talk to us. I looked at Mom and she looked around before she gave us permission to visit. Mom congratulated and thanked Jess for helping with the painting of the school.

“Do you think your Mom would let us go to a concert at Central Park together?”

“Are you going to invite me first to make sure it is worth talking to my Mom about?” I asked. He was embarrassed and was ready to walk away. “Stop Jess, the answer would be yes if Mom allowed us.”

“I am sorry Jess,” my mother started out, “But I would require a few things I am not sure you would do,” she told him. “If I got you some clean clothes would you be willing to clean-up at the Y or someplace before you took her out? I would also be nearby and someone else would be watching to make sure she wasn’t hurt. What would you say to all that?”

“It would depend on how much all that cost me,” he said.

“You might also want to know, I expect her to go to college. And you might as well hear it directly from me; I won’t be too crazy about her dating a street guy.” What she said didn’t surprise me, but I did cringe as she said it.

Jess found some backbone, “If I do what you ask, I hope, I am not going to find you going back on your word.”

Mom’s response was not direct, “Which concert are you going to, and when will it be?”

“There are three concerts coming up, and to be truthful Ashley’s Mom, the concert isn’t as important as just getting a chance to be with her. I know I don’t have a chance with her, but I would like to take her to one concert.”

Mom said, “I don’t mind her going with you, and I am not trying to change you. But yes, I would like you to be presentable. Do you know where we live?” Mom asked.

“I only know the area, but I don’t know where she lives,” he said. “I would meet her at the park if that was needed.”

Bridgette, “That would not be acceptable to me, especially on her first date with you. I am willing to pay for most of what you need, but I would also like you to pay for some of it if possible. Could you come the night before for dinner?”

“Ashley, don’t you have more to say?” my Mom asked.

“I would like to go to a concert with Jess. Jess, I would be pleased if you did as my Mom asked. From what Jack says you are a good guy. I was happy to meet you at the school and would like to be a friend.” Jess smiled and I was happy, but deep inside I felt guilty. I was off the streets and wouldn’t tell him how I knew him. He wouldn’t understand about Jack and Ashley, nor will I share it.

Mom gave him our address and her phone number. He probably was limited in what he could read but he would match the letters with street signs and the numbers with houses. Then thoughts came to mind on how he might be received in the neighborhood.

Mom asked him about the size or measurements of his clothes. He was embarrassed for not knowing. “It is hard to find long jeans for a narrow waist. The next concert we knew of was a week from Saturday at 10:30 .am. We agreed to meet with Jess, here on Tuesday to get some clothes.

I knew Jess would be up early that morning and either wash in a fountain or look for a fire hydrant the day before. It was something we would do when it was important enough. Hopefully the police or others would not stop him and run him off.

The nights after that could be rough if not dangerous if he stayed above ground to stay clean. Those who did that were usually without their group and risked attack from others. There were stories of guys being attacked and badly beaten, sent to a hospital and not seen afterwards.

Without thinking I gave Jess a hug when we said good-bye. After we walked away the smell of the street was still with me. We rode the subway home and people moved away from me because of the smell. One guy who came close, walked away when he caught the odor. Mom was good and did not do the same.

Mom did make me wait outside until she got a spray for me as I entered the house. The smell of the street permeates clothes and stays with a person. Even I was nauseated by the time I was allowed in the house. How much different would it be when we went shopping? After a shower at the YM/YWCA, it would be better but not often done.

“Thanks Mom that's very nice of you,” I said, and we talked more. We both knew it would have been easier if either one of us said “No”.

The next day I talked with Joani about Jess. She was very cool that I would see another boy, instead of Collin. We talked and she knew such times would likely happen again. Collin saw other girls, but to her that wasn’t the same. Joani said, “If one of the street guys came that Collin and the others knew; he wouldn’t necessarily be welcomed but he probably would be safe.”

I wondered but didn’t ask, ‘What if his five friends came;' it wasn’t something I thought about but it wouldn’t surprise me if they followed him.

This Saturday I saw Collin and told him, “I am going to a concert with Jess in the Park next Saturday.” Collin laughed, thinking I was teasing him with an absurd idea. But he noticed I wasn’t joking.

“I thought you were kidding; you can’t go to a concert with a street person,” Collin said abruptly. “People won’t like it, them doing good stuff and you trying to help them is one thing. That is worse than a white person dating a black person. That happens and it is accepted by most, but not what you are saying.”

“It is going to happen and I hope you will respect me. I don’t want something to happen to him like what happened to Jack.”

That reminded Collin of something he had thought about. “Yes that reminds me, Jess said something about you knowing Jack and it made me think about how you knew Jess and the other guys?”

I was going to tell him I knew Jack from a group home, but decided better, “I met him while he was in the hospital, I was there because I was beaten at my home. Jack told me where Jess and Norm hung out and that I could ask them for help if needed.”

“So where is Jack now?”

“I don’t know, I could possibly find out, but I don’t know if I want too. Jack was in big trouble, I don’t think I really want to know where he is. I hope Jess and the others won’t be upset if they don’t meet him. I was on the street once long enough to know most don’t really waste time thinking of the others.”

Tuesday came and Mom took the morning off to help Jess shop for clothes. Jess had indeed washed in a fountain that morning; he even washed his hair and had on a change of old clothes. Jess was helping a construction crew so he would have some money come Friday.

“We went to a store that had new clothes that attracted a variety of customers. We had to look hard but finally found a good pair of jeans close to his size and a pullover shirt. That would have been special enough, for Jess. I don’t know if Mom knew how special good socks and underwear were but Mom had him get that as well. The loafers were nothing special, but they were unusual for someone on the street. Everything that was purchased today was put into a plastic bag that Jess tied tightly closed. Wearing them could be dangerous, especially when his group was not around.

We got sandwiches and ate on the bleacher like seats at Times Square. Come 1:00 o’clock Mom and Jess both needed to be going. Mom encouraged Jess to come early Friday night and she asked him straight out, “Do you have a safe place to stay Friday night?”

He assures her he had. She asked, “Are the others gong to the concert?”

“I think the group will show up to see if I am there and if Ashley really does go with me. But if they stay, it won’t be right with us,” Jess had a big smile. I felt it was special for Jess as I felt.

Mom and I stopped at a specialty food store to get clams, chalets and special garlic as well as a fresh loaf of asiago cheese and black olive bread. When Mom saw that fresh raspberries were in she bought them and a bottle of champagne, saying, “We will use these as our appetizers, saying this meal will not only taste good it should arouse their appetites for each other.”

I asked, “Do you think it will help a woman’s appetite for a man in feminine attire?”

“Chenille’s desire for her new Bobbi has been growing for weeks; he might be surprised but she may have trouble waiting for the end of the meal,” Mom said with a giggle.

“What would you do if that actually happened,” I asked?

“We would decide whether to leave them there or suggest to one or the other to take the other to the bedroom. We have some nice pillows and a down comforter we have spread-out on the floor. Hopefully someday you might feel the heat and strength of such passion.”

Changing the subject, “All I need now is something for a light fragrance,” Mom said.

“How about getting three roses, use one in a vase and scatter the petals from the other two around their place settings?” Mom liked the idea and we bought the roses just blocks from our home.

I enjoyed setting up the dining room, even more when Mom asked if I would be willing to serve. I wore my black dress and a simple silver chain necklace and earrings. Mom and Steffi kept me busy; I didn’t get a chance to see the couple when they arrived. I was pouring the champagne on cue as they entered the dining room. I looked up and casually pulled out the chair for one as Steff did for the other; both were pretty women.

I served the bread and clam chowder together. It was then I knew for sure which was the biological woman as her breasts became aroused and her nipples pressed against the top of her dress. The chicken breasts with a almond butter-orange sauce with asparagus more than tipped the scale as Mom spread out the comforter and threw down the pillows. Chenille had Bobbi in tow. As Chenille was lying down she looked back, winked at me and lipped something I did not know.

Then we three were back in the kitchen, Mom gave me a hug and said, “Very nice young lady.” Then she explained, “Do you remember earlier when you came in to pour a little more champagne and take away their appetizer plates? You saw that Bobbi was shy and nervous and your complimented her ‘You are so pretty, just enjoy.” That was so precious and Bobbi did relax and is still enjoying herself.”

My own body was tingling with the thought. Mom was able to dim the lights in the dining room. We then grabbed plates to eat and went to Steffi’s lounge so we would not disturb them. I washed and cleaned what I could afterwards before going to bed.

Mom had stayed up all night and saw Chenille and Bobbi off, taking a cab at 6:00 a.m. Mom showered and prepared for another day’s work. Today she was to meet a new corporate customer.

Mom handed me a fifty dollar tip that Chenille had left for me. When I said, “That is too much,” Mom agreed but said I needed to humbly accept it. I guess I am becoming a normal girl as I already had half of it spent.

Mom let me go shopping, so I called Maria and Joani as they knew more places than I did. I got a nice skirt and top combo. The skirt was full which made it better for a blanket and the blouse left a nice gap at the skirt for cool air and warm hands.

Come Friday morning I was excited from the start. Mom and I talked about what to eat. I decided it should be simple and tasty for Jess. I went over to Aunt Cathy’s to have my hair done, which was fun. Cathy enjoyed talking to her young niece in anticipation of dinner tonight and the concert tomorrow.

The concert would have numerous folk and pop singers focusing on the history of music to move society. Some well known singers would be there but not in any announced order or schedule.

Jess showed up just before 4:00. When he mentioned his new clothes chaffing him Mom had him out of them so she could wash the stiffness and chemicals out of them. She also asked him to take another shower and to shampoo his hair. By the time we saw each other only a hint of a street person was still there.

Mom had even gotten him a special mouth wash. I was mindful of his breath and Mom his germs. Mom and Cathy were cooking while Jess and I got cozy watching TV. We went over the before and after pictures of the school project. I did my best to snuggle with him, but I knew he was nervous.

“Ashley, you’re the one who is supposed to watch out for me!” Jess said, just before Mom came back into the room. Jess said to my Mom, “You know you have a very affectionate daughter?”

“I think she tries to act like a little pixie, naive of what she is doing,” Mom said. And with that she addressed me, “Ashley, you need to be a young lady and take it easy on Jess.”

I knew I had to settle down or lose my date with Jess, but my breasts were perky as was my spirit. Luckily Mom and Jess knew puberty was kicking in for me and looked after my better interests. I held my flirting down to a mild roar.

Jess enjoyed the dinner and relaxing at our home watching TV. I sat leaning back on Jess and pulled his arms around me.

Mom asked Jess about his safety tonight. Jess was surprised that my Mom asked, somehow knowing about life on the streets. She offered a room for Jess to spend the night. “That is tempting and I should selfishly agree, but I have friends waiting for me to come back.”

I wished he had stayed, but knowing others were waiting, I fixed our leftovers and more food to go with him. I didn’t know what his group liked or didn’t, but what they didn’t eat they would barter for something they wanted.

Jess wasn’t back in the morning until 10:30 a.m. The concert started at 10:00, and it would be after 11:00 a.m. before we were there. Jess had a new blanket, food and drink for the afternoon. I saw Norm and others in the group in the concert area of the park. They too had cleaned up and were there for the concert.

Jess was happy when I suggested they should enjoy the concert with us. They would be nearby but not with us. We were as close to center as getting some shade would allow. Jess spread out the blanket . I kicked off my sandals and sat down.

Jess was in new territory, dreaming about being with a girl was different from being with one. I was not repulsed by who he was. I was crying inside to be with Jess. He was important to me but I hardly knew him. He had runaway from home in Fort Wayne in Indiana. I found a place and he wasn’t going back.

“So Jeff was your name, how many times have you been in custody.” Jess slid his hand over my mouth, arms and face. He was very tender, a side I hadn’t seen. I kissed his fingers. I had put on a light perfume, that was pleasing to both of us. He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair, lightly touching my ear lobe.

There were people talking about Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie; neither Jess nor I knew of either. Tom and Dick Smothers were the first named singers to hit the stage at 1:00 p.m. They have a sense of humor and talked a lot about Vietnam and how peace freaks were seen as anti-American.

Jess was touching my legs and slipped his hands under by blouse. “I like your touch, but don’t get too friendly. If you treat this like a last date and it will be.” Jess smiled, drew his hands back to a hug. Some of the singers had performed around Times Square. Someone said Broadway with Porgy and Bess was some of the first protest music.

Jess and I found what we listened to, to be very interesting, but not as interesting as each other. Shortly after I put a sheet over us to permit a little more exploration, Cathy came over and told me, "The sheet needs to go if you want to stay.

We walked over to sit with Mom and Cathy for awhile. I was surprised finding two guys Brad and Ben, twin brothers, with them. They were good looking men, probably my mother’s age. I stepped back and imagined each a bit feminized. They were good looking men but I could easily see them otherwise.

I looked at Jess and simply said, “No.”

The concert went into the evening but Jess and I left after 6:00 p.m. Jess was smooth as we kissed goodnight, a hand massaged a nipple and I became excited. Using all my will I pushed away, saying, “Let this not be our last date.”…

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To Be Continued...