Grief and hope? Reconcilliation - what do you think? Read on and see if you were right!

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad & L. Armstrong.
part 45.

Stella and I hugged each other in the car park, we were both crying. I could not believe my mother was no longer alive. That I had seen her just before she died made me glad I had made the effort, but sorry that she hadn't appeared to recognise me.

That was all I could compute, I was shocked and hurt all over. In comparison to the worst beating my father ever gave me, this hurt so much more. I didn't know what to do with the pain or how to cope with it. How could I?

Would she have lived any longer if I had turned up as her son? I didn't know, nor could I but it gave me an opportunity to beat myself up for a few moments as I thought about it. I probably deserved it.

I don't know if my dad recognised me, the look he gave me might have been for a number of reasons, including recognition, disgust, shock, plus loads of others too numerous to mention. I wouldn't know that either because I had nothing left to say to him and I had no intention of going to the funeral which would be run by his cronies and full of things I didn't believe.

Maybe, if either of us forgave the other we might have things to talk about but not at the moment, we probably both felt too raw. I would like to know why my mother died, surely he hadn't hurt her? No he couldn't, could he? I shook my head, these were crazy thoughts and I had to get rid of them. Maybe I would ring the hospital sometime later and try and speak to the doctor or ward sister.

"Come on kiddo, lets go and find the car," said Stella putting her arm around me.

As we walked on leaden legs, me still sniffling, a man approached us. "Is everything alright ladies?" He had a kindly manner, I thought, then I saw his dog collar.

"Her mother has just died," answered Stella.

"Oh, I am so sorry," he said then after a short pause, he began,"take consolation in your faith my dear, Jesus said, I am.."

"Oh fuck off!" I said loudly and stormed away. How he felt I didn't much care but as for all that religious crap, he could stick it. I thought I did quite well not to deck him.

After getting back into the car, Stella remarked upon my behaviour to the priestly type. I honestly felt like telling her to F off as well, then decided there was enough hurt about for the day.

My mobile rang and I unthinkingly answered it. "Was that you Charlie, at your mother's bedside?"

"Yes," I replied and tears began to run down my face again.

"I thought so."

"I hope you won't show me up at the funeral by turning up looking like a dog's dinner?"

"No Dad, I won't."

"Good, I'll let you know when it is."

"Don't bother Dad."

"What, you won't even come to give your own mother a good send off?"

"No Dad, I said goodbye to her, now I'm saying it to you. Goodbye." I switched off my phone and howled. I was now effectively an orphan and it hurt. In one day, my life had changed beyond redemption, and I didn't give a shit anymore.

"Oh dear," sighed Stella, and put her arm around me again, "What am I going to do with you?"

"I don't care any more, I don't bloody care." I howled some more getting myself all hot bothered and snotty. Thankfully Stella had a box of tisues in her car.

"Where would you like to go?" she asked me.

"Home," I almost whispered.

"Okey dokey, home it is." She started the car and before we got anywhere near the motorway I was asleep, exhausted and emotionally wrung out. I don't know for how long I slept but Stella woke me and switched off the car engine. "We're there, sleepyhead."

It was dark and I didn't really recognise anywhere. I couldn't see any streetlights. "Where are we?" I asked completely lost.

"Home, my home."

"But I need to get to my place," I protested.

"Not tonight Josephine, tonight you need to be with friends and to get drunk."

"I think I'll pass on the latter," I said feeling once again as if people were making decisions for me, but seeing how good she had been to me, I couldn't be nasty to her. "I just want to sleep."

"Okay, but first something to eat. I called Simon on the way home and he's popped a casserole in the oven, so have some grub first. Then you can snooze as long as you like. One of us will run you home later tomorrow.

The smell of food caught me unawares and made me realise that I was hungry and that Simon could cook a bit. We all tucked in with relish and I also put away three glasses of wine ensuring that I would sleep and wake up with a head like a bucket being regularly bashed with a hammer. I didn't care, all feelings in me were either so dead, or so buried that I couldn't feel anything anymore.

Simon was his usual civilised self, making all the right noises and saying all the right things to put me at my ease, except it didn't. I didn't know if he cared or was well trained. An hour later, I excused myself and went to the guest room, Stella had laid out another nightdress and her kindness made me cry again. I couldn't compare these relative strangers who had only known me for a few days yet seemed to understand me, with my family, who had known me all my life and didn't really know me at all. I changed, got into bed and was asleep in seconds.