More kisses and self exploration with a little help from Abba.

Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Bonzi Cat & Angharad.
part 63

Simon took me home and after escorting me up to my room and kissing me goodbye, left. I shut my door and leant against it, I was walking on air and my head felt somewhere else. It was wonderful, an amazing warm feeling that I had never experienced before.

Convention had led me to believe that I would fall in love with a girl, marry her and raise a family. It looked as if I would be decidedly unconventional, or was I? When I looked at things, they were actually very conventional, except that I was the girl, or would be when I could organise it.

I closed my eyes and could feel Simon's lips on mine, a sensation I never wanted to end, it was so lovely. I thought about the kiss from the lad from the garage, and although something physiological had happened - I'd ejaculated, nothing like that happened with Simon.

I made a cuppa and sat down, trying to work things out. I was falling for Simon big time, that I could recognise, but did I fancy him sexually? I didn't know.

I tried to imagine being in bed with him, him playing with my body and then taking me, there was no enthusiasm, why? Surely if you love someone you fancy them, or did you? I had no idea, this was the first time I had been in love and it felt wonderful but rather scary.

I wondered who I could ask, really there was no one except perhaps Dr Thomas, and I wasn't sure I wanted her to know I was seeing a bloke. It would probably be alright, but I wasn't sure, maybe she'd say I was gay or the opposite, that the reason I didn't fancy him was because I wasn't gay. That would imply I was still a boy myself, which I would refute. I may have male genitals but that's as far as it goes.

So what did that make me? I didn't know. Did I fancy Stella? No way, she frightened me to death and although I liked her, it wasn't in the biblical sense. Oh boy, was I reverting to my asexual norm? If so Simon could be in for a long wait, even if I had surgery.

I wondered what Garage Boy had that Simon didn't, and I recollected the way he'd stolen the kiss and I'd had an orgasm. My body was buzzing again and suddenly, it happened again, I came in my pants. I felt myself blush and this wan't some sort of post orgasmic suffusion it was embarrassment. How could Garage Boy excite me and Simon didn't? I was obviously a basket case.

I looked at the clock and realised it was nearly one in the morning, I had sat nursing an empty mug for over three hours and was still none the wiser. I needed to see Dr Thomas, but then I'd have to tell her and I wasn't at all sure about it, but before that, I thought I'd better have a little wash and change my pants.

The night was a torment of strange dreams which I presumed were linked to my current dilemma. In lots of ways, it seemed bizarre that I had only spent a week in my female role and was already being torn over questions about boys.

In one of the stranger dreams I was in a club dancing with Simon to something by Abba, 'Dancing Queen' I think. We seemed to be happy enough and I was shaking it all about for him, then Garage Boy cut in and began to smooch with me. His kisses were addictive and he began to almost make love to me on the dance floor. I shut my eyes and kissed him back, suddenly I had the most intense orgasm and my whole body shuddered and I screamed in ecstasy. It woke me up and when I went to the bathroom, I found a little wet patch in my pants again. It was three in the morning and I was sat on the toilet crying my eyes out.

I made myself some more tea when I managed to pull myself together and to feel less lonely I switched the radio on, the song 'Name of the game' by Abba was on. I knew it well from my earlier student days, Abba was a favourite with the disco DJs and good for dancing to, it also had a timeless quality about it. I knew the song roughly but had never really listened to the words before. Now as I sipped my tea I seemed more receptive than usual.

'I've seen you twice
in a short time
only a week since we started
it seems to me
for every time
I'm getting more open hearted.'

The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as the first verse seemed to sum up my situation. The second verse seemed apposite too as I had considered myself 'an impossible case no one could ever reach me'. Then, 'I'm a bashful child beginning to grow.'

'I have no friends
no one to see me
and I am never invited
now I am here
talking to you
no wonder I get excited.'

I could see myself walking around the harbour with Simon and burst into tears again.

My first priority tomorrow was to get whatever CD the Abba track was on. I needed to explore these feelings that somehow the music and the dilemma seemed to be unlocking inside me. After so many years of being a shadow of myself, I seemed to be beginning to live and while it frightened me it also excited me and that was an entirely new sensation.