Easy As Falling Off A Bike.
by Angharad
part 59.

"I still think I ought to tell him." I dreaded the idea and was hoping Stella could convince me not to.

"Fine okay, you tell him and maybe we'll meet sometime, maybe we won't, you certainly won't see Simon again, and what will it have proved? That you are honest but stupid."

I looked at the floor, "But I'm deceiving him."

"How are you deceiving him?"

"I'm not a proper woman."

"What's a proper woman? You look pretty female to me."

"You know what I mean, down below."

"Jeez -us, how much longer are you going to go on about that? Look, I just put a freeze on his libido by saying you had problems. He accepted that, because he's that sort of guy. He's prepared to wait which means you have a chance to see if the relationship is going to work. If it doesn't you both remain intact and have a chance to have another, if you tell him he's going to be devastated and it's going to hit him hard in the confidence stakes. He may act as if he's confident, but he isn't it's all bravado. One wrong word from you and he'd collapse like a pack of cards."

I felt like I was being lectured by a school ma'am, which maybe was what I needed. I certainly didn't want to hurt Simon nor did I want to lose him, I actually quite liked him. He was gentle and kind, what more could I want? Then my doubts weren't about him, they were about me.

"All right, you've made your point, I'll keep quiet for a bit longer."

"You don't want this relationship to work do you?" Stella just ran straight through my defences.

"I don't know."

"You like him too much, don't you?" Had she just read my mind?

"Maybe," I tried to act nonchalantly.

"There aren't any maybes about it, are there?"

"There might be," I said defensively knowing she had destroyed my side of the argument.

"Look Cathy, I like you and I don't want to see either of you hurt. What began as almost a prank on my part, changed very quickly when I saw the chemistry changing and realised that I liked you. But Simon is my brother and he doesn't get hurt if I can help it. Is that clear?"

"Yes loud and clear, so before that happens maybe I should just go and not come back."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"I don't know what I want to do, except I don't want to hurt him, alright? I've said it, yes I do like him very much."

"I knew it."

"Whoopee! So you bloody knew it, can I go now?"

"Go where?"

"Back under the stone from which I crawled."

"If you do that, what will it achieve?"

"A return to normality for me."

"What back to dissertations and no social life?"

"Probably, I don't care."

"I don't believe you. In the past week you have done things you could only have dreamt of before."

"Only because you pushed me."

"No, you pushed yourself, I just helped to preserve the momentum. You spoke to your professor, you went to the funeral and faced down your father, you agreed to go out with Simon and it was you who agreed to ride in the bike race thingy tomorrow. You as Cathy, not the invisible Charlie. Do you want to give up all that, if you do then you are more stupid than I thought?"

"I can't go back can I?"

"Go back to what? To being a misfit boy? No certainly not, nor can you easily go back to being a wall flower. You happen to be one of the prettiest girls in the area it would be criminal not to share that beauty with others."

"What do you mean share?"

"Have fun, date boys be out with girl friends, shine in your department. You said Prof Agnew wanted you to improve the aesthetics of his team, so get out there and get a life."

"Date boys, wouldn't that annoy Simon?"

"Not if he's the boy, but he's got to do his side of things too, make you want to go out with him rather than other boys."

"At the moment he seems to think he can buy me."

"No he doesn't, if he did, I'd quickly disabuse him of that idea. He is showing you he cares, because he isn't very good with words or understanding his own emotions, he thinks actions speak louder than words, so he does things he thinks you will either like or get benefit from. I keep trying to tell him, perhaps if we both tell him, he might eventually understand. If he did, that would be a big step forward for him."

"But if he likes me, why can't he simply say so?" I felt a bit out of my depth.

"Because he can't for some reason, so he does things, buys you things, takes you places, gives you flowers. It's all very adolescent but that is how he is. Have you told him how you feel?"

I found the carpet very interesting at that moment, "Erm no."

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared of where it could lead."

"I think he may have a similar feeling."

"Oh no, this is just going around in circles."

"Yes, relationships do until someone takes control and gives the other party the opportunity to feel safe enough to take risks as well."

"Why have I got to take control?"

"It's usually the woman who takes emotional responsibility."

"Isn't that a bit old fashioned?"

"Not necessarily, it's usually because men are emotionally constipated, so they need someone to show them it's safe to let go. Which is what women are for."

"Sounds a bit stereotyped to me."

"So what, just get on and bloody well do it."

"How do I start?"

"Cathy, if I have to spell that out to you, you are not ready to do it which means you are more emotionally retarded than our anally retentive, Simon."

"Now hang on a minute, a week ago I was still wearing trousers and calling myself Charlie..."

"Were you? You told me you called yourself Cathy and saw yourself as a female, just waiting to emerge, or was that untrue?"

"No, it's true." I blushed and examined the carpet some more.

"I know this is quite new for you and getting the gesture and fine adjustments sorted isn't easy, but much of what I'm saying comes from inside you anyway, it's part of being female. Are you trying to tell me you don't understand any of this?"

I felt a strong sense of doom arising in me, was Stella telling me that she didn't think I was female, just playing at it? If she was right, what did that make me? What did it do for the sense of rightness that I had felt for the past week, a feeling that I'd never experienced before. Was it all some ghastly self delusion? Was I some sort of cross dresser who'd never make the grade?

"I don't know what I think or feel and all this stuff you've raised has made my mind reel. I need to go home and think some of this through. I don't know what I am anymore, I thought I was female now I just don't know anymore." I felt tears run down my face and Stella noticed. She came to me and embraced me.

"Come on girl, you're as female as I am except in one little place and that can be sorted, and you're prettier than I am. I don't mean to lecture you, I want you both to be happy. You're both important to me."

"How can I be important to you, surely it's only Simon you care about?"

"In the past it's been that way, but with you it feels very different, almost as if you were a younger sister. You haven't learnt the guile of most women, which is both worrying and refreshing but it makes you vulnerable." She paused and we hugged each other for a few moments.

"Come on have something to eat and I'll take you home."