Natalie felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Her hand, still moving on its own, went to grab it.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Nathan!” Her little sister, Kate, exclaimed on the other end. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

“Yeah, yeah sorry about that.” Natalie responded. “I’ve been uh… busy from stuff.”

“So busy you can’t see us?”

“No, I didn’t mean that I…”

“Oh my god, Nathan.” Kate interrupted. “Are you drunk?”

“What? Of course not.” Natalie tried to reassure her.

“You are drunk!” Kate shot back. “Why are you drinking? You promised you’d stop.”

“I- I know I did, I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time too.”

“Kate, listen to me. I’ll really try this time, I’ll even stop by to visit.”

“You also said that last time. You didn’t visit us. It was Christmas and you didn’t visit.”

“I…” Natalie was at a loss for words.

“Mom and Dad have been worried sick about you. We all have. How long are you gonna keep doing this?”

“Kate, I didn’t mean to-”

“You never mean to, Nathan. But somehow it always happens.”

Natalie went quiet.

“How many people do you even talk to?”

Natalie remained unresponsive.

“Goodbye Nathan.” Kate said.

The call ended, before Natalie even had the chance to say goodbye back.

She slowly brought the phone down as her back hit the wall. Sliding down to the floor, she looked at her face through the black screen of her phone, seeing firsthand just how rough and dirty it was. Greasy skin that stunk of alcohol paired with a beard that wasn’t even big but still looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in months. She was a real wreck.

Had Kate been too harsh on the phone? She seemed particularly derisive that night, but at the same time, maybe she was right to be angry. She was dealing with a man who dropped out of college to pursue a dead end career and an alcohol addiction. A man who never came over to visit and rarely checked in with them. Hell, if she was her she’d be pissed too.

What was that Kate was saying about her not talking to anyone? That couldn’t have been right, she talked to plenty of people. There was…

Natalie was stumped. She tried racking her brain for anyone she might have had a real conversation with. She couldn’t think of anyone.

Well… there was at least Astian. They still talked a bit. But at this point, Natalie barely knew anything about him or what he was doing with his life. Where did he work? Who were his friends? Was he seeing anyone? She didn’t have a clue.

It’s not like she wasn’t trying to talk to people. Okay, most of the time she wasn’t trying, but she did sometimes. It was just that she was really bad at sounding like a person someone would want to talk to. She was bad at starting conversations and worse at maintaining them. She hardly even talked to her coworkers. It was like they didn’t know her.

Plus, the mere thought of talking to other people made her extremely nervous. It wasn’t normal for her, it took effort that most people didn’t have to do.

In a fit of rage, Natalie threw her phone against the wall.

And yet, despite all of her problems, her parents and sister still believed in her enough to worry about her.

Natalie stood up, ignoring the oncoming headache, and walked to the window and watched the rain pour down from the night sky.

They shouldn’t.

***

Natalie stumbled out of her apartment holding a half empty wine bottle. She took a swig of it then clumsily stepped out into the cold rain. The shock of the rain hitting her skin made her trip and almost fall face first into pavement, but she caught herself just in time.

Seeing the unbroken wine bottle in her right hand, she realized just how lucky she was. That could’ve easily broken and caused shards to cut into her organs. She could’ve killed herself right there!

She slowly stood up and tossed the wine bottle into the nearest trash can. Staring to her left, she saw the park situated a little down the road from her apartment. It was sure to be empty by now. She did her best to walk to the bench standing in front of it, though keeping focus on her task wasn‘t easy. She was so shitfaced most of her thoughts were jumbled nonsense. And the rain was cold. So, so cold.

She eventually made it close to the bench, and when she could see it clearly she quickly began running. A big mistake, as she immediately tripped and fell face first into a large puddle in the grass.

Now entirely wet, she raised her head up, and looked forward to the bench. She was about to stand up until she felt her stomach groan and her mouth salivate.

“Oh god.” She whispered.

Suddenly, she vomited into the puddle. She couldn’t tell what color it was or how thick it was, and she was happy she couldn’t. The cold rain constantly hitting her skin only made her forceful gagging even worse. At some point she wasn’t sure if she was vomiting because she was drunk or because she was cold.

When she was finally done, she rolled over onto a relatively dry part of the grass, using her hands to hold her stomach and block the rain from her eyes.

What the hell was she doing out here? What was she planning on doing when she got here? Why did she want to get to the bench? Whatever the answers were for these questions, she didn’t know.

God, the grass was so cold.

She looked up to the bench and saw how wet it was. It looked about as drenched as her clothes. Would it even be that much better to lay on?

She needed to get back inside and find some warm clothes, fast.

She raised her head with her elbows and bent her knees upward. She was halfway through pushing herself up when she stopped.

Go back inside and get in warm clothes for what? So she could continue to burden her family by making them constantly worry about some miserable drunk asshole? Every single time she promised them she would get better, she failed. In every sense of the term, she was a let-down, putting a ton of work onto her family that she knew she would never be able to handle herself.

How cold was it? A couple degrees above freezing? She remembered reading that it was forty-something on her phone.

She let her head fall back down onto the grass, not bothering to care about the pain resulting from it. She took out her right hand from her stomach and opened its palm, catching the rain drops as they fell. It didn’t take long for it to become soaked, as it was raining very, very hard.

However cold it was, it was cold enough.

She knew the reason why she came out here, she needed to admit it to herself.

This was something she should’ve gotten done a long time ago. She wished she would’ve done it earlier, back in her college years even, so she wouldn’t have to see the mess she’d turn into.

Better late than never, though.

She had made up her mind. Tonight was the night she was going to do it. She imagined herself doing this on so many days before, even going so far as to make a plan for how and when she would do it. But it never ended up happening, either out of fear or lack of willpower.

She just couldn’t do it.

This was different. Getting back to her apartment would be very hard, and she was ensuring that she wouldn’t be able to do it.

She was finally doing it for real.

She shivered as more and more rain hit her body and she felt herself get colder. She didn’t know how long it would take. Her hope was that she could just fall asleep and that would be it.

That hope died when she had to throw up again.

This time was even more forceful than the last. Her body was clearly not liking what it was being put through.

She’d never been so cold before.

She waited for the point when her vision started going black, but it never came. No, her body wanted to wait and make her suffer more.

So this was how she was going to die, slowly and painfully.

Frankly, it was what she deserved.

***

Some time during the night, Natalie was finally made unconscious. She didn’t remember when it happened or what exactly she was feeling before it, all she knew is that once she woke up, she wasn’t hurting anymore. Everything was numb at this point. She tried moving her hands and legs, but found she was too weak to get up.

At that, a switch flipped inside her head.

What the hell was she doing? She didn’t want to die!

She tried standing up again, in a panic this time, but it still wasn’t working. Soon, she felt her vision begin fading to black.

Oh god, was she actually going to die? She wasn’t ready to, she still had so much that she wanted to do. “Please don’t die, please don’t die”, she begged to herself.

The last thing she saw before blacking out again was herself being carried off by some figure and a ton of lights shining nearby. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, but they looked scared.

***

The next time she awoke, Natalie found herself being hauled into an ambulance. The figures around her were talking a lot, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying, nor what they were doing. Everything was such a blur.

She was shivering. It was still so cold.

Her vision began closing in.

***

Natalie saw a bunch of lights shining down at her. It was so bright she was forced to squint. It hurt to look at.

She saw that she was still laying down, with covers over her, and there was still a horde of people around her. They were moving fast, quick at work, but she still couldn’t tell what they were doing or saying.

Her vision faded again.

***

Incessant murmuring hit Natalie’s ears and she turned to the source of the noise. She hadn’t realized she was up again. There were two people there, talking about something. Their voices felt closer to her than the ones she was hearing before. The room felt warmer too.

Natalie wrapped her arms around herself.

It still wasn’t warm enough.

***

The fourth time Natalie woke up, she felt something being put on her head, moving around in a circle. She then felt whatever it was being taken off.

“His temperature has increased a lot.” She heard someone say.

She felt more relieved than she had in weeks. She hadn’t heard a voice that clear in far too long.

She noticed the window outside, and just before she blacked out again, she saw that the sky looked much brighter than before, with the clouds parting.

***

When Natalie awoke for the final time, she was able to see the sun fully shining in the sky, a huge breath of fresh air for her. The rain was gone, the clouds were gone, it looked beautiful outside.

She wasn’t sure how long she was alone in the hospital room for, or whether it felt long or short, but nevertheless she did feel a sense of relief when her nurse finally came into her room.

Natalie’s nurse exchanged some kind words with her, saying she gave all the doctors a real scare, and that the person who first called the ambulance on her was extremely freaked out.

“Your body temperature was at ninety-two degrees when we found you.” She said. “You’re at ninety-six now, if everything goes well we can release you tomorrow. Isn’t that great?”

It was great. Everything was great. Natalie had lived, the sun was up, the day was warm, and her family could rest knowing that she was alive. Nothing bad ended up happening.

It was so great, in fact, that she needed to go to the bathroom, just so she could take in how great it was.

She walked into the small room, switched on the light, and went to the mirror to check in on her face.

And then she threw up in the sink.

She looked horrible, smelled horrible, her arms hadn’t even stopped shaking from the cold.

And she couldn’t stop sobbing.

Oh god, what had she done? What was wrong with her? No, this couldn’t have been real. This… this had to be a bad dream.

Natalie shook her head, gaining control of her own mind again. She’d seen enough. She wanted out! Please, someone let her out!

And to her relief, someone did. Just like she was waking from a bad dream, she felt her head twitch and her body’s gravity suddenly get thrown off. For a moment it was as if she was simultaneously standing up and laying down. It didn’t take long before she felt like she was entirely laying down.

Looking around her, Natalie saw that she was in her living room again, lying down on the couch. She checked the time on the clock, 4:08 AM. She checked the date on a calendar on the wall. It was the same date it was before she switched to Natalie.

She raised her hands to touch her chest. When she felt that it was flat, she confirmed that she was still Nathan.

Natalie turned her head over in her bed, tears coming out from her eyes.

She already had to live through her own suicide, why did she have to live through Nathan’s?