“Natalie: I’m sorry Nathan, I really am. I don’t know how many times I can say that. I just can’t do it anymore. I remember thinking at the time that I couldn’t go back to my old life because it was fake, but now… I don’t know what to think. Everything’s starting to blur together. Me and you are starting to blur together. It’s all so disorienting.

I don’t know what I need to do in place of this, but whatever it is, it can’t be this. God, can it not be this.

I’ll get back to you when I find something.”

***

Work felt even more tedious than usual today, so much so that Natalie wished she could say this was the most miserable day of her life. That was all probably because she had to force herself to come here after nearly having a panic attack and dying in her bathroom. At least if that happened, she’d have an excuse not to come.

It wasn’t just that she felt depressed, it was that she felt depressed in the worst way possible. It was as if all her feelings and emotions were shutting down one by one, and yet she was still always on the verge of the worst panic attack of her life. It was like life was crushing her and one day she’d just collapse and scream until she died, having never truly lived. She was a hollow husk of a person, and also a ticking time bomb.

Couldn’t the clock move any faster? All these people walking around were making her feel more trapped than she already was. She needed room to breathe. She wished Nathan could take charge for a bit, just so she wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of this by herself, but it didn’t look like he was coming out.

She didn’t want to be alone.

“Hey, Nathan.”

At the sound of that voice, Natalie’s cheeks went a little red. She turned to see Kira.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me to lunch.”

Natalie squinted her eyes, confused. “I don’t get it.”

“I’m asking you if you want to come to lunch with me.” Kira said flatly. “Just a yes or no will be fine.”

Natalie stared blankly at her for a good while, long enough to make Kira laugh.

“It’s not going to kill you to answer.”

Natalie chuckled nervously. She wished it didn’t feel like it would.

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t know, I’ll figure it out once break hits.”

“Where will we meet up?”

“Right outside the store, in front of the parking lot. There’s a nice bench there, if you like.” Kira said. “Anyway, are you in?”

Before Natalie could stop herself and think it over, her mouth moved and “yes” came out of it.

“Great! See you in an hour!”

Kira left before Natalie could react. It took a while for her to register what she just did.

“Oh shit.” She said aloud.

***

Natalie had spent the past twenty minutes hiding in the bathroom. She’d been in there so long she was surprised her manager hadn’t showed up yet and yelled at her for slacking off.

What in the world did she think she was doing?

Did she just agree to go on a date? She wasn’t ready to go on a date! Especially not a date with a woman. Nope, not like this, not in this body.

Wait, did she even like women? She thought she didn’t but… Kira was certainly making her feel funny things. Was it the hair? She hoped it was the hair, that was an easy target to blame.

It’s not like Nathan was any help. A switch did occur shortly after Kira left, but she went back to Natalie pretty soon. Even then, he was just as much a nervous wreck as she was. Whether she liked it or not, she was alone.

Oh god, she was about to go on a date!

“Okay, let’s calm down and think about this logically.” She thought. “She just asked me out for lunch, she didn’t ask for a date. There’s nothing she has said to make me think this is a date. It’s just food, food with a new co-worker. That doesn’t mean she’s trying to ask me out.”

That all sounded reasonable, and if her brain wanted to be reasonable, it would react accordingly and calm down.

Her brain did not want to be reasonable.

That stupid head of hers always had to ruin everything. Was this because she was too used to guys asking her out as Natalie? So now any time someone asked her to do something with them, she automatically interpreted it as a date?

Maybe she could trick her mind into thinking this isn’t a date (“which it’s not”, she repeated). She might as well kill some time while she’s hiding from her job, and maybe, if she was really lucky, it’d work.

***

She was not lucky.

Natalie sat outside on the bench in front of the store parking lot. Kira was right, it was a nice bench. Gave you a good view of the mountains above. If it wasn’t in the middle of a Home Depot, it’d be a beautiful view.

“Wow, you actually came.”

Natalie turned to see Kira walking out of the store.

“You’re surprised?”

“Kind of. I thought you were gonna ditch, you struck me as that kind of guy.”

Natalie huffed. “I’m not sure if I should be offended right now.”

“You can if you want.” Kira walked right next to the bench. “I’m sure you had your judgments of me when you first saw me.”

“Oh like what?” Natalie asked. “What do you think I was thinking?”

“That I was gay.”

Natalie's eyes widened, her face growing flustered.

“Don’t lie, you saw my hair and thought ‘she must be a lesbian’, didn’t you?”

Natalie’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

Kira laughed. “Oh come on I can’t be THAT abrasive. I’d say I’m pretty tame.”

Natalie shook her head. “You’re not abrasive, I just… I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that. I mean, I do like your hair. It’s cool, but… I didn’t think you were gay because of it. I wasn’t thinking anything like that.”

“Well you should’ve, because I am gay.”

“Really?”

“Mmm, maybe not COMPLETELY gay. There are some men I like, but I like women more. I guess I’m bisexual, but with such a heavy preference for women that I might as well just say I’m gay.”

Natalie nodded. “Okay.” She said. “Umm… congratulations, I guess. For being gay.”

Kira stared at Natalie with a weird look. Neither of them said a word for a short while, making Natalie gulp. Had she said something wrong?

Then Kira burst out laughing.

“You’re welcome.” She managed to get out. “I’m working on getting my gold medal for being gay right now, actually.”

Natalie’s face turned red. “Yeah… yeah, that was a stupid thing to say wasn’t it?”

“Oh no, I liked it. In fact I like you already, Nathan. You’re funny.” Kira said.

“Funny by accident.” Natalie corrected.

“Eh, if the shoe fits.” Kira replied. “Alright, we should probably head out now. We won’t have enough time if we stay here much longer.”

Natalie stood up. “Okay… uh, have you decided on a place? I’m not very good at that part.”

“Relax, this was my idea. I have everything figured out.”

“Okay.” Natalie said as she followed Kira down the parking lot. She was thankful most of her initial nervousness had passed. Her mind still wasn’t totally out of the “this is definitely a date” fixation but it was at a manageable place now. She supposed she was a little lucky.

After about a half dozen lines of cars, Natalie saw a purple one come up and pointed at it. “Is that your car?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“It’s the same color as your hair.” Natalie said. She turned back and forth from the car a few times. “Well, maybe a few shades off.”

“Yeah, I really wanted one in my favorite hair dye. Shame it was too expensive. This was the next best thing.”

“I mean I don’t think people will notice. You don’t see purple cars very often anyway.”

Kira unlocked and opened the front door. “At least you won’t forget it.”

Natalie chuckled as she got into the passenger seat and looked out the window. “No, you certainly won’t.”

***

Most diners in the county were interchangeable, so much so that Natalie didn’t even remember the name Kira said before they entered this one. She never really kept track of these sorts of things, one way Nathan and her were alike

Another way they were alike? They both hated fast food, something Natalie just got done explaining to Kira.

“Hmm… would you say you’re a food snob?”

“A little bit.” Natalie responded. “I like cooking, on occasion.”

“You do it a lot?”

“Well, I haven’t been doing it so much recently. My mind’s been occupied with… other matters.” She sighed.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Kira said. “Cooking’s a very good thing to get into, I’ve been doing it a bit myself. Though if you live on your own you kind of need to know how to do it. I mean, unless you want to order take out every night, but that’s gotta be a miserable way to live.”

“Trust me, it is.” Natalie said. “I know a guy who was living like that. He… let me know how terrible it was.”

“Did he get into cooking too?”

“A bit.” Natalie answered. “Me? I got into cooking because of my roommate. S… he was always doing so much cooking, and I felt guilty for not doing as much as him, so I started cooking too.”

“I hate that feeling.” Kira replied. “Even now I get it sometimes. It’s like I’m always missing something. There’s always something productive I should be doing. I hate it.”

“I know.” Natalie agreed. “How’s uh… your day been?”

“Same as always, not that great. I guess I’ve just been bored lately, life’s been dull.” Kira explained. “I’m sure I’ll get out of this dry spell sometime, but I don’t know… it feels like it’s taking forever.”

“Oh… then I hope you can start having fun soon.”

“Thanks.” Kira half-smiled. “How about you? How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?” Natalie repeated her question. “To be honest, right now I’m doing terribly. My life’s been pretty miserable too as of late. My uh… roommate went missing after being chased down by police, and now I have more bills to pay in his place. I’m stressed, frustrated, confused, and I… I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Kira said sympathetically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what DO you want to do with yourself?”

Natalie thought it over for a bit. “Hmm… I guess start thinking about my own wants and needs. All this time I’ve been doing things because I think I have to, but what about what I want? That’s what I’ve been thinking I need to start doing.”

“So what do you want?”

Natalie shut her eyes, imagining herself in her old, beautiful body. Going out day to day and living her amazing life as the woman she was. She couldn’t get enough of the thought of that. Being a woman again would be a dream come true.

She opened her eyes again. “I want…” She struggled to come up with what to say, what wouldn’t make her sound crazy. “I don’t know, I just hate being myself.”

Kira tilted her head a bit, curious.

“You know Nathan, I think I’m starting to get an idea of what you need.” She said. “It might sound crazy, but I think you need to hear it.”

Natalie leaned in a little closer, intrigued. “Okay.” She said. “Go on.”

“Hold on a minute. I need to text my sister to see if it’s okay.” Kira got out her phone, quickly tapping something away on it. “Okay it should take-” She stopped talking and looked down again. “Oh wow that fast?”

“What are you doing?”

“Sorry, had to check in with her first.” Kira explained. “But she says she’s okay with me saying anything so…”

“So what?”

Kira looked as if she was trying to find the right words. “You remind me of my twin sister, Anne.” Her mouth turned to a grin. “She’s the straight one.”

“What do you mean I ‘remind you of her’?”

“Anne is transgender.”

Natalie froze at that, her mind nearly collapsing into shambles. Transgender? What did a word like that even mean for her? She became nervous, placing a hand to the side of her head as she shook. “What are you getting at?” She asked. “Are… are you trying to say that I’m-”

“I’m just saying that you act a lot like her.”

Natalie paused, only growing more restless. She needed a few seconds to think up what to ask next.

“What’s she like?”

“She’s a quiet woman, mostly keeps to herself.” Kira answered. “She was like that growing up, and she got picked on a lot for it. I had to step in to defend her. That’s how it was back then, I was the loud kid, she was the quiet one.”

“So… you’re saying I’m like her just because I’m… quiet?”

“Well, that and because you said you hate being yourself.”

“…Oh.” Natalie replied and chuckled, feeling dumb.

“Hey.” Kira said softly. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’m just telling a story here. All you have to do is listen. Relax.”

That did sound pretty relieving, so Natalie took a deep breath and was actually able to relax. That was surprisingly easy.

“Did Anne say anything like that?” Natalie asked Kira. “About hating being herself, I mean.”

“Kind of. It was around when middle school started that she became the most miserable person ever. Never happy about anything, always in a bad mood. She didn’t look angry… at least not most of the time, just tired. We kinda drifted apart then, we weren’t spending a lot of time together anymore.”

“Sounds pretty sad.” Natalie said, grateful that never happened between her and Kate.

Kira shrugged. “At the time, I kind of assumed that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do as they grew up. But I didn’t like not seeing him at all. Anyway, one day, she used her razor to shave her legs, as well as the rest of her body, and my parents were not happy. They said she was going to hurt herself and told her ‘guys don’t do that’ pretty sternly. She didn’t say anything back. Before she went back to her room, I went to her and just asked her ‘why’.”

“Why did she shave?”

“No, why didn’t she stand up for herself. But she assumed I was asking her about shaving before I could finish my question and said ‘I don’t know, because I hate my disgusting thick hair, leave me alone!’, then slammed her door shut.”

“I’m sorry, that’s horrible.” Natalie said. “Did you ever clear things up?”

“We did, and she apologized for it, but I didn’t really care that she got mad, it was a bad time for her.” Kira explained. “She confessed a lot to me that night…” She hesitated. “Good lord I can not believe she’s allowing me to tell you this, but she told me that she was going to let me in on a secret about guys.”

Kira paused for a moment and laughed. “It sounds so stupid saying it now, but we were fifteen. So I completely believed her when she told me that all guys secretly wanted to be girls, and that all guys hate being guys.”

Natalie had to hold back some laughter of her own. “Seriously? You… believed all that?”

“Hey I just told you, we were fifteen. And I was skeptical at the start, to be fair. I was saying ‘well being a girl kinda sucks sometimes, it’s hard, being a guy sounds so much easier’. Then she asked me ‘well do you want to be a guy, would you like to be in a man’s body’. I thought about it for a bit, and I realized that would feel gross and wrong, so I said ‘no’. She said ‘if you felt gross, that’s what guys feel all the time about being guys, we just keep quiet about it because we’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Natalie was in complete disbelief. “I’m still shocked you actually believed all of that.”

“I guess it reminds me of that one post I saw online.” Kira remarked. “You know the one right? It’s the one that goes ‘it be two dumbass girls telling each other ‘exactly’.”

Natalie chuckled. “Yes I know that one.”

“Good, because it gets even better. Anne gave me all the dirt she had on guys. At least that’s what she thought she was doing. ‘Guys like boobs because they’re jealous and want their own pair’. ‘Guys like bikinis because they’re jealous and want to wear one themselves’. ‘Guys are always jealous when girls dress up for big events, because they want to wear all those beautiful dresses too’. And I was like ‘oh wow’. I was convinced that I knew all there was to know about guys. Then two years later, during our senior year of high school, I was in a D&D club. I made a character sheet for one of the guys there, and I made his character a woman. At first he thought it was a joke. ‘Oh very funny Kira ha ha’. I got confused and said ‘well don’t you want to be a girl?’ He thought I was talking about the game and said ‘not really, I’d rather my character be-’ and that’s when he noticed how confused I looked and stopped.”

Natalie got a little antsy waiting for the next part.

“I asked him ‘don’t all men want to be women? Isn’t that normal?’ And he said ‘no, that’s not normal at all, who told you that?’ I told him and he said she was wrong, and didn’t know what she was talking about.”

Natalie grew uneasy. “And what happened when you told Anne? Was she mad?”

“No, she didn’t even believe it at first. It took time, but eventually she was crying while we were together in my room. The only thing she said was ‘I thought it was normal’. She was devastated.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Natalie said. “I know I must sound like a broken record saying that all the time… but what happened when Anne-”

“Transitioned?” Kira asked. “That happened when we were in college, different colleges. So I don’t know the details, but when she came back after a whole slew of months, and I mean like ten, she was a woman named Anne. And that’s where we’re at right now.”

“Wow…” Natalie replied. “I mean… you two seem to get along well.”

“Yeah, when she transitioned, we got close again. It was like it was when we were kids. I loved having her back. I loved having a sister. And she’s a beautiful woman. Oh! Did I mention this one really funny moment we had together? It happened one day when Anne was gone at college, never at home. I came out as a lesbian, and my parents said ‘well at least one of our kids is straight’. And then Anne came in one day with her new boyfriend, and I laughed for like five minutes straight.”

Natalie failed to hold back a laugh of her own. “Were they mad?”

“For a bit, yeah. But they got over it. They’re not the most supportive of Anne, but they can… tolerate it, most of the time.”

“That’s awful. As parents they should do a lot more than ‘tolerate’ it.”

“Yeah, they should. And I wish they did.” Kira said back. “Anne does too.”

Still a bit restless, Natalie had to inquire. “So… it still seems like you’re telling me I should… you know… I mean, by telling me this story, you’re clearly suggesting that I might be transgender. Some might say you’re being a little pushy.”

Kira scoffed. “If one person saying you MIGHT be trans is all it takes for you to transition then… well that’s not exactly my fault is it?”

“Good point.” Natalie conceded. “I’m just not sure how that story was supposed to help me.”

“It might not help you, but it’s not going to hurt you to know it.” Kira told her. “When I see you, when I hear the things you say, I think it’d be good for you to have some more insight. You look like you need a little help.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“That’s not a question I can answer for you.”

Natalie looked down, needing some time to figure out what she should say.

“Why? Why did you do this?” She asked. “Let me go to lunch with you, I mean, no one asked you.”

“It’s like I always have to go back to square one with you.” Kira sighed. “It’s not about anyone ‘asking’ me to, it’s about doing something nice for someone. I talk to people and get to know them because it’s how we grow. I like spending time with other people.”

“…Did you like spending time with me?”

“What are you talking about, of course I did.” Kira smiled. “You made my day a lot better. I like you, Nathan.”

Natalie blushed. “You… do?”

“Yep! And I’d like to spend more time with you, if you don’t mind.”

Natalie’s mouth went agape, she hardly believed what she was hearing.

“Would you like that?”

Natalie refocused her eyes and got one last good look at Kira’s face. She was absolutely beautiful, her cheekbones were high up, her lips were nice and full, and she had the most adorable button nose. Natalie was still not over her violet hair, as immediately eye-catching as it was. And she wasn’t just attractive, but funny, and lively.

Spending more time with her would be wonderful.

“I’d love to.” Natalie smiled.

***

When they got back to Home Depot, Natalie went straight to the bathroom, examining herself again in the mirror. At some point, she was going to have to face it.

She was attracted to Kira. No, she LIKED Kira.

“Fuck.”

This may have been the first time in her life she’d ever been in love with another woman. A woman she knew would never love her back. How could a lesbian ever love a woman who was trapped inside such a horrific body? Could SHE love a woman like that?

She wasn’t able to tell, she’d have to meet that woman face to face.

Besides, she didn’t want to love Kira, her feelings were acting against her again. She wished there was some way to turn them off.

Would spending more time with Kira help keep those feelings away? No. Was she going to do it anyway? Without a doubt, and gladly so.

Natalie walked out of the bathroom, getting back to her shift, hoping that would steer her mind away from this.

***

Work didn’t steer her mind off Kira, but it did help. It helped a lot actually, by the end of her shift she was in a much better mood. She was almost happy, especially as her mind began fixating on something other than her unrequited love.

Being a woman again, by the time she got home from work, it was all Natalie could think about. All the way from first going up the stairs to her apartment to standing idly in the dining room hours later. She couldn’t even quantify how badly she wanted it. She was definitely going to appreciate being a woman a lot more after this.

But to do that… she’d have to go along with Kira’s suggestion.

Could she really be transgender? What would that even entail? She’d have to get a new name, a new wardrobe, probably have to go through hormonal replacement therapy, and get “the surgery” too.

Well, honestly that didn’t sound too bad. It sounded a lot better than what she was doing now. Maybe this was what she was looking for when she said she needed to do something in place of this. And after all, it’s not like she’d need to think a lot about what her name would be, and she already had a lifetime of wearing women’s clothes behind her. As long as she lived alone, no one would question why she was so good at applying makeup or knew so much about women’s fashion and whatnot.

Hell, Nathan had all of that knowledge too. Whenever she was Nathan she still knew how to-

Oh right, Nathan.

Natalie groaned in exasperation. Why couldn’t something be easy for once?

She rubbed her forehead and made her way to the refrigerator. Hopefully eating something would take her mind off this.

Maybe… after some convincing, Nathan would agree to it?

Yeah, and maybe after some convincing, SHE’D agree to stay as a man for the rest of her life.

Okay… perhaps she could go back to her old life? She used to say she preferred this life, but she wasn’t so sure about that anymore. This body was really starting to become a problem. The idea of going back didn’t seem so bad now. At the very least she should go back to say goodbye to all her friends there.

But, if she wanted to stay, would Nathan agree?

It was stuff like this that made Natalie wish they could just combine memories already. This was the most frustrating thing in the world. She WAS Nathan.

But at the same time, she wasn’t.

***

It was in the shower when Natalie switched back to Nathan. He almost didn’t notice the switch at first, until he realized he had been thinking about being a woman again and suddenly got weirded out.

One day, just one of these days, a switch would happen at a convenient time.

Nathan felt like he was in the same boat as Natalie. He was about to say he wanted to stay in Natalie’s life because hers was so much better than his. But being with a version of Kate that didn’t grow up with him… it just didn’t feel right.

Besides, he liked spending time with Kira.

He sighed. Life’s hard sometimes.

By the time the sun came down, Nathan had already collapsed into bed. It’d been a long day for him too. God, was he exhausted.

At least he got to talk to Kira… as Natalie, but that was still him anyway. He enjoyed it a lot, and it appeared Natalie did too. She’d been thinking about her a lot since it ended.

If nothing else, it did keep her mind off how awful she’d been feeling lately.

Nathan cringed. If only there was some way to help her. Poor girl. Hell, maybe that lunch with Kira wasn’t all good. Natalie’s mind had been so stuck on how she was loving someone who would never reciprocate it. Someone she didn’t even want to love at all.

It was really a wonder she, or either of them, could love at all after Astian.

Actually, did he love Kira too? He closed his eyes and imagined her face, her deep blue eyes, her bright, violet, lovely hair… okay, safe to say there was some attraction there. There was more than just attraction, being around Kira made him feel warm.

Of course he loved Kira, how was that even a question? Natalie and him were literally the same person, they shared everything together.

Almost everything that was, one key difference was that Natalie was thinking of a real solution to her misery.

So… Natalie wanted to become transgender. He couldn’t blame her for it. She clearly hated being a man, and if that’s what she felt she needed to do, then there wasn’t much he could do to change that.

But he wasn’t going to let her go forward with it.

He was NOT a woman.