Nathan and Kira went to a different diner for lunch this time. It wasn’t like anything in particular stood out about it though, a lot of diners just sort of meshed together. The most unique thing about this one was the light 50s theming, mainly from the abundance of Elvis songs being played on the speakers. Clearly the owner of this place was a big fan.

The repetitive song choices barely registered to Nathan though. He was stuck in a trance, thinking of almost nothing except Kira. His trance was so strong that he couldn’t quite recall how he got into a conversation about his gender. Whatever it was Kira asked that started it, shook him out of his daze enough for fear to seep into his mind again.

He didn’t want to discuss it, he didn’t even like thinking about it.

But if Natalie could rip off her bandaid, he could rip off his.

“I don’t know what I feel like, if that’s what you’re wondering.” He said. “I know people often say things like ‘I feel like a man’ or ‘I feel like a woman’ but I don’t really feel those sorts of things. It’s a hard thing to put into words.”

Kira leaned it a bit closer to him. “Does this mean you’re-”

“Transgender?” Nathan finished for her. “I have no idea. I guess I should say I’m ‘open to experimentation’.” He paused, his hand starting that familiar motion of tapping each of his fingers to his thumb. “There’s a… well, part of me that will probably decide the nitty gritty of it. I’ll go along with what she does.”

Kira chuckled and Nathan’s face went red.

“Oh, I guess I said ‘she’.” He said. “Fuck.”

“It’s okay.” She laughed. “I like your approach. I do want to know what you mean by ‘nitty gritty’, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, well… I guess that’s the hormones and surgeries and name change and all that. Plus a new wardrobe.” He said. “God just saying all that, it sounds so expensive.”

“Everything’s expensive these days.” Kira lamented. “I swear sometimes this country is out to kill us.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Nathan said back. “Wow, I… feel a lot better. Huge weight off my chest.”

“Well, if you start those hormones, you better get ready to get some huge weight ON your chest.” Kira said slyly. “I’m sorry, that was horrible.”

It was such a stupid joke, Nathan had no idea why he couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, I think my standards for comedy have gotten real low lately.”

“God, I’ve turned into my Dad.” Kira said, almost disappointed. “I guess it could be worse, I could’ve turned into Jerry Seinfeld.”

Nathan had to cover his mouth to keep his laughing down. He really hoped no one was looking at him. The joke wasn’t even that funny, he was just in that much of a good mood today.

His trance returned as their conversation went on. By the time lunch ended, he had already forgotten most of what they talked about. His mind had become so fixated on what was going to happen later that night.

This was going to be a night to remember, he was sure of it.

***

When the clock finally signalled the end of his shift, Nathan was all but ready to throw himself in his car for the ride home. But he waited until he saw Kira come up, and hand him a piece of paper.

“Meet you there at 7.” She said. “Don’t be late.”

She smiled at him as she walked away. Nathan could’ve sworn she winked at him, but that was probably just his imagination. Either way, he stared at the paper in his hand, reading its contents over and over again.

Same nightclub he went to so often as Natalie, and he only had so much time before he had to get ready for it.

Holy shit, he was actually doing this.

As he walked back to his car, his emotions felt like they’d all meshed together into some incomprehensible blur. Was he afraid? Doubtful? Excited? He was probably all three, and certainly way over his head.

He held a mostly blank expression on his face as he drove home, which continued as he passed by that nightclub. In a few hours he’d be in there, dancing to music that was way too loud alongside people who were way too drunk. Having the kind of hellish, chaotic fun that would leave a mark. This wasn’t just fun, these were thrills.

He hadn’t noticed he suddenly started breathing heavily.

He forced himself to calm down as he drove his car into his apartment parking lot. He took a little longer getting to his door today. He just had too much on his mind.

He shut the door to his apartment and slowly made his way to the bathroom, checking himself in the mirror. This was one of his better looking days. Well groomed, good posture, and his eyes nearly looked alive. If there was any day for him to go out to the club, this was definitely the day.

He laid down his arms on the sink, one across from the other, and leaned in closer.

“This is a good thing.” He thought to himself. “It’s good to try new things. I’ve gone to the club as Natalie before, I’ll be fine.”

Surprisingly, that mostly worked. He confirmed for himself that he was only a little nervous, and not on the verge of having a panic attack and collapsing. This was all normal, routine stuff. He was going to have a lot of fun today, that’s what mattered.

Still, there was one thing that hadn’t stopped worrying him.

He liked Kira. Natalie liked Kira.

She loved her.

Natalie stared into the reflection of her eyes. She remembered the saying, “the eyes are the window into the soul”, and she wasn’t sure if what she was seeing was just metaphorical bullshit or something she was tricking herself into thinking was there, but when she saw her eyes, she saw the eyes of a woman who loved another woman. The eyes of a woman who always loved women, but could never admit it.

Loving another woman was shameful, as she always knew growing up. In a hick town like her old one, a boy would never be caught loving another boy, nor would a girl ever be caught loving another girl. If they were caught, they might not lose all their social standing, but they’d for sure forever be cast off as a “weirdo”, someone to avoid. A target meant to be mocked.

Things like teen drama and high school popularity seem so stupid and pointless now. But no matter what she felt as an adult, there was a time when that was her whole world. When you’re a teenager, school is like a second home, one you spend nearly half your life in. It’s where you have to be, and the other students are who you have to be with. That’s the world you have to navigate. For so much of your life, it’s the only world you know. Losing your social standing feels like the end of the world as a teenager because in a way, it kind of is.

But she was an adult now. None of that should matter anymore. Why did it feel like it still mattered?

In her head she could still hear the voices of the bullies, mocking her, belittling her, all because they thought she was a lesbian. Natalie angrily retorted back that she wasn’t a lesbian, and so it was wrong to bully her. As a 13 year old she wouldn’t have known it, but looking back on it now she saw that she was, in a way, validating the bullies. She was ceding to their point that if she was a lesbian, she’d deserve to be mocked. She’d deserve all the name calling and harassment. But she was straight, so she didn’t.

And now just look at her, she was head over heels for another woman. She wanted to say it was because Nathan and her were getting all meshed together in the head, and maybe they were.

But she couldn’t deny the fact that when she was in middle school, she really was attracted to her main bully.

She sighed. What was the point in denying it anymore? She liked women, she always had.

“I like women.” She said to herself in the mirror. “I always have, I’m in love with another woman.”

After she said that, she felt a small sense of pride start to build within her. That felt… kinda good actually. It was like what Nathan said before, it was relieving to have such a huge weight lifted off your chest. But this was more than that. This was like finally unleashing some deep seated repressed part of yourself buried deep within your mind.

It was almost… liberating.

Natalie grinned and said again, “I like women”. Then again, “I like women”. And again, and again until eventually she was saying “I love women”.

She wasn’t admitting it anymore, she was OWNING it. The voices of old bullies had been drowned out by her pride. Wow! No wonder “coming out of the closet” was such a big deal, this felt amazing! Compared to now, she was barely alive before.

She did have to ask the question of if she was still attracted to men. She probably was, but she’d need some time to be comfortable with it again.

Astian had broken her.

Coming down from a high, her mind reminded her to be realistic. Kira still probably didn’t love her back, and she probably wasn’t going to take her home. But that was okay, she was over that now. If she could just have one night like this one, it’d be worth it.

And who knows, maybe Kira would dance with her.

She looked back to the mirror with a smile, then out the window and to the sky. She just knew the stars would be beautiful tonight.