Nathan frowned as he took another walk through all the aisles of the store. It was probably the fifteenth or sixteenth time he’d done so. He knew he was wasting his lunch break, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to find Kira.

No matter how many times he looked, she wasn’t anywhere in the store.

He was alone today, evident from how Natalie wasn’t coming out either.

He probably shouldn’t have been as disappointed as he was, but he really wanted someone to talk to.

***

Nathan felt more defeated than tired when his shift ended. Kira never ended up showing, nor did Natalie. He was truly on his own today, and on one of the worst days for it.

He guessed these sorts of things just happened.

It wasn’t like he wanted much, he just wanted someone who could understand him, if even a little bit.

When he started the car for the drive back home, he decided to take a little detour first. He was in the mood to see some nature, it was a beautiful spring day after all. As he turned his car off the main road and into the back roads leading to the countryside, he took notice of the breeze sweeping through the trees. He opened the windows to feel it himself.

It was quite nice.

A couple of left turns later and he was right at the start of a wide trail cutting through a forest. Just from looking at it he could see how… weird it was. There was something almost mystical about the forest trail, as if it was otherworldly. The sunlight cutting through the trees almost made it look like the air was glowing, or maybe that was just the mist. He could hear birds chirping, but as far as he could tell there were no other people here. In fact, he hadn’t seen any people since he got off the main road, had none of the drivers taken notice of the giant back road just to their right?

Where was this place? It might’ve been an offshoot of the Appalachian Trail, but could something like that go this far in upstate New York?

It did look pretty though. Nathan parked his car and got out, beginning the long walk to wherever the trail ended. Maybe he’d find something really beautiful at the end, if there was one.

***

After a couple minutes Nathan found himself walking up a large hill. And about halfway up the hill, he finally saw what might have been causing the mist.

To his right, above the trees, he saw a waterfall in the distance. It wasn’t especially loud, but he could still hear the water hitting the rocks at the bottom, and he even felt the faint mist on his skin. It was large and wide too, which… couldn’t have been right. New York didn’t have any waterfalls like this, aside from Niagara Falls, but that was all the way up at the Canadian border.

He walked faster up the hill until he finally got to the top, where he hit a dead end. The trail expanded into a dirt and rock covered summit, shaped in what looked like a perfect circle. There was nothing to his front to stop him from falling, while a thick line of trees blocked every possible path behind. He had a much better view of the waterfall up here, and seeing it like this, he could confidently say that there was something beautiful at the end of the trail.

This could’ve easily been the eighth wonder of the world. It was so perfect it was almost as if it wasn’t…

He turned his back and saw Sara standing behind him.

…On Earth.

“You led me here, why?” Nathan asked her.

“You wanted to see me.” She answered. “Is this place real enough?”

Nathan took another look at his surroundings. On the tree right behind Sara he could see a squirrel climbing up the branches, just as it would in any other forest.

“It’ll do.” He said. “Where am I anyway?”

“There are places on Earth that are invisible to anyone who hasn’t been in our realm, or any realm like ours. Sort of like tiny portals scattered all across the planet, taking you to little pocket dimensions with an almost magical quality. You can tell when you’ve entered one, the atmosphere is so much different than on Earth”

“So I’m NOT on Earth?”

“Technically no, but you also kind of are at the same time. It’s hard to explain.”

“Don’t bother trying, I don’t really care.”

Sara snickered, coming to join Nathan as he took a seat against a tree trunk.

“I take it you know everything, right?”

“No actually I don’t. We’re not all knowing, remember?”

“Oh yeah, right.” Nathan replied, feeling stupid. “So much has happened, I’ve been losing track of so much shit.”

“Don’t worry, I get it.” Sara said. “So tell me, please, what’s on your mind?”

“Too many things, and too many people.”

“Oh?” Sara said, interested.

“Ever since I went through that portal as Natalie. Well actually it started before then, but it really started taking a hold after that, my mind split, sort of. I guess you could say I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder or whatever the hell it’s called.”

“So I’m guessing, sometimes you’re Nathan and sometimes you’re Natalie.”

“Pretty much.” Nathan confirmed. “Though to be specific, it’s my memories that change. I used to think my personality traits did too but I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes I have all of Nathan’s memories from before the transformation. It’s his life I remember. That’s where I’m at right now, I’m Nathan. But other times I’m Natalie. It’s her life I remember, and all my memories from before my transformation are her’s. These switches are random, I can’t control them.”

“That is… certainly unusual.”

“Is it concerning?” Nathan asked.

“Not immediately so, I don’t think.” She answered. “I might have to ask someone though.”

“Wonderful.” He said bitterly.

Sara tapped her finger incessantly on the root beneath her. “Is it disorienting when you change?”

“It was at first, but I got used to it.”

“How much do you remember from being the other person, or mind, or… wow it’s hard to find the right word for this… personality?”

“Don’t worry about it, I have a hard time comprehending it too.” Nathan said. “But to answer your question… man it’s hard to explain. I remember everything I did as them. There’s never a moment where I switch and I’m suddenly like ‘where am I, what am I doing’. I remember everything they did as if I was the one doing it. I even remember their thoughts. But their memories are where I get rusty. I don’t think I can ever fully explain it, or even understand it, but I think… the other person needs to be actively thinking about something a lot in order for me to remember it, and how much ‘a lot’ is seems very open to interpretation. And even then, I still can’t remember those memories as if they’re mine, it’s someone else’s life. At least, up until recently. I think that’s the best way I can explain it.”

“Hold on, you said ‘up until recently’ right?” Sara asked. “Can you try and explain that?”

“Sure.” Nathan said. “Well… like I said, at the beginning, Natalie’s memories, or Nathan’s memories when I was her, were not mine, they didn’t feel like mine because I couldn’t recall actually doing those things myself. But recently, it’s like I can. Not all the time, but a good chunk. It’s like we’re getting more mixed together. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m Nathan or Natalie. And I can remember certain… details about the other person’s life. Like, I know how to put on makeup and everything because I remember it from being Natalie. I also remember having… I remember Astian… well, you get the point.”

“I see…” Sara said. “Has there ever been a time when you have both sets of memories?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. Never while I’m aware of it, at least. One time I tried to force our memories together and it um…” He hesitated. “It didn’t work.” Looking down, he felt the hints of tears well in his eyes. “Memories, painful memories Natalie had to go through. She experienced them herself, and I had to live them a second time.”

Nathan’s mouth turned to a sad smile as he stared out at the waterfall. “You want to know the funniest thing about that night? I don’t even know why I wanted to go to that park. I must’ve looked demented.”

Sara stared at him blankly, taking a long pause before speaking up. “What did Natalie have to say about that?”

“She didn’t like it, obviously. Why would she? She already tried to kill herself and then she had to go through me trying to kill myself, all because of me.” He explained. “She hasn’t thought about it much, and I can’t blame her.”

“Is there a chance I can speak to her about it?”

“You already are.” He answered. “That’s the most frustrating thing about all this, I am Natalie, I know I am. But I’m also… not? I know we’re the same person, or supposed to be, but it’s like we’re different, but also kind of like we’re the same? It’s confusing, she feels the same way.”

“I’m sorry, it’s awful what you’ve been going through.” Sara said. “But… still, I’d like to talk to her sometime again. She was very upset the last time I saw her. Is she doing well?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t seen her all day.”

“No switches?”

“Not since yesterday. Longest I’ve been without one in a while. I swear the world wants me miserable… wants us miserable, I mean.”

Sara stared down at Nathan’s shaking hand, then nodded slowly. “How… badly is she doing?”

“I don’t know, it’s complicated.” He answered, his voice quivering. “Sh- she wants to be…” He took some deliberate breaths to calm down. “She wants to be transgender.”

“Pardon?”

“She… wants to transition into a woman. She really hates being a man.”

“Oh.” Sara cringed for a second. “I’m… not really surprised.”

“What do you mean you’re not surprised? You knew she’d hate it?”

Sara nodded sadly. “Most women aren’t able to adjust to being men. Almost every single one that has tried it has said the same thing, ‘I can’t do it’.”

Nathan’s stress turned to anger, and it built up within him fast as he raised his voice. “So you knew she’d be upset? Why’d you let her go back then?”

“I didn’t want her to go back.” Sara explained. “But I think, looking back, I did the right thing. Sometimes, the best thing for someone is to show them the full picture, even if it hurts them. She was so obsessed, she had to know what being you was like ”

“But you knew it would hurt her!”

“She had to see it. I was never going to abandon her.”

“You sure took a hell of a long time to come back then!”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you!” Nathan yelled, storming out of the summit. He thought he heard Sara try to call him back once, but his mind barely registered it. He was dead set on leaving.

He couldn’t believe Sara just left Natalie to suffer like that. She knew, she fucking KNEW she’d hate being a man, and she never checked in once. One month and no check ins, who the hell did she think she was? Did she ever think of her at all?

Nathan could feel his heart pumping fast, his body filled with adrenaline. To tell someone off like that felt good, he wondered why he didn’t do it more.

At least, it felt good at first.

It wore off soon, and it was fast when it did. Halfway down the hill, Nathan shut his eyes and took a deep breath, standing there as he felt Sara staring at him from above.

He felt a couple tears fall down his face and he wiped them away.

What a great look for him. Surely Natalie would appreciate how much he thought of her.

His face reddened and he turned back, walking back to the top with his head down.

“Are you okay?” Sara asked when he came up.

Nathan looked up at Sara like he was about to cry. “I just want to know what Natalie is feeling like right now.” He said. “I want to help her and I can’t.”

Sara pursed her lips, she needed some time to think. “Have you heard of dysphoria?” She asked.

“Dysphoria? Yes, that word sounds familiar.”

“That’s what Natalie is going through right now. To her, being a man might as well be torture. It’s horrible, she can’t stand it. If she doesn’t transition, she won’t be able to live.”

“I wish I knew what it felt like.” Nathan said, feeling sorry.

“I can try and explain it if you like. I’ve been stuck as a man before.” Sara offered.

“Yes, please do that.”

“Okay…” Sara paused for a bit. “It’s a bit hard to put into words, but… I guess I’d say it’s like, you’re just not there. Yeah, you’re present, but you’re not really living. Everything’s dull, like a grey cloud of nothingness is constantly making you miserable even when you’re supposed to be happy. It’s probably the worst form of depression I’ve ever experienced. You being ugly, you hating yourself, that’s all just normal. At some point you don’t even feel disgust anymore, I sure didn’t. I knew I was ugly, and that was it. I expected nothing else. And that scared me. Suicide was such a casual thought, the idea of making it to next year always seemed ridiculous. When your mind is dead, the idea of being literally dead doesn’t seem that bad in comparison. It has a way of draining the soul out of you, and that’s the worst part of it all. Does that help?”

Nathan stared back at Sara, silently, motionlessly. At first she wondered if something behind her had caught his eye, so she checked there, only to see nothing. She turned back, confused.

“Is something wrong?”

Nathan turned away from Sara, slowly walking further and further to the front of the summit, right before the edge. She grew worried as he stopped and looked into the sky.

“Some beautiful clouds up there.” He pointed up, laughing. “Have you seen that one? Looks like a penis.”

Sara laughed nervously along with him. Nathan smiled and laughed some more.

Then he suddenly collapsed and threw up over the edge.

Sara ran to him. “Oh my god! Are you okay?”

Now loudly dry heaving, Nathan couldn’t get out a response. Tears fell fast from his eyes.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real.” Nathan whispered repeatedly to himself.

Sara rubbed his back as he tried to wipe away the tears. He couldn’t do it, there were too many of them.

“I’m not, I’m not… I am not one of THEM.”

Sara pulled him away from the edge, laying him on the ground. He was so unbelievably pale, like he was drained of life.

“I’m sorry I didn’t check in earlier.” Sara said. “I should’ve. It was a stupid, dickish thing to do and I can’t say I’m sorry enough. You needed it.”

Nathan didn’t respond, he was still whimpering to himself words Sara could only barely make out.

“I’m not… it’s not true, it’s not.”

Sara put a hand on his stomach. “Deep breaths, Nathan, please. Don’t talk, breathe.”

Nathan hadn’t noticed he’d been hyperventilating, so much so that the edges of his vision were beginning to go black. Shit, he couldn’t pass out now. He shut his eyes, and forced his lungs to calm down. In, out, in, out, in, out. He tried to capture that rhythm as best he could.

“Nathan, what’s going on? When you say you’re not ‘one of them’, what do you mean?”

Nathan opened his eyes, his color gradually coming back as his breathing calmed down. He spoke, and when he did, thoughts and feelings that had been locked away at the back of his mind for years began to rear their head.

“No man… likes being a man. Men tolerate being men. A man who actually likes being a man is severely brain damaged. That’s how it is”

“Nathan, that’s not-”

“Yes it is! And everyone knows it. That’s why men are always playing female characters in video games, it’s why they… we like boobs and women’s bodies so much. We’re jealous. Men’s bodies are objectively revolting to actually have. But we power through it because we’re men and we’re not supposed to talk about it. I’m not giving in, I’m never giving in!”

“Nathan, I just… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Nathan focused his eyes on Sara’s face, seeing her relieved he was actually focusing on something. “I don’t either.” He said.

Sara sighed, and gently brought him back up to a sitting position. She sat in front of him, and tried laughing to brighten his mood.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that a lot of what you said was nonsense. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Nathan didn’t laugh back, he just rubbed his eye and sniffed. “No, it doesn’t.” He conceded.

“I take it you’ve been feeling this way your whole life?” She asked.

“I’m… not sure. With what Astian did, how can I even trust it? How can I trust anything? This can all just be an effect of what he put inside my head. I may never have felt like this at all before the transformation. How can I ever know for sure?”

“Does it matter?”

Nathan didn’t answer.

“What are you planning to do?”

“I don’t know.” Nathan replied. “I don’t… want to give in.”

“What’s so bad about giving in?”

“I’m not a-” He hesitated. “Men are supposed to resist it, every other man-”

Sara cut him off. “No Nathan, they don’t. Men DON’T want to be women. Men don’t ‘resist urges’ to be women. It’s not normal. Have you ever asked another man if he ‘resists it’?”

“Not really, um… no.”

“Then how do you know it’s normal?”

Nathan was silent.

“What would it mean to give in?” Sara asked. “Would it mean becoming a woman?”

“No.” He said abruptly. “…I mean… no?” His confidence quickly evaporated.

“Maybe I should put it another way.” Sara said. “If Natalie decides to transition, will you let her do it? Would you be fine transitioning alongside her?”

Nathan started out at the waterfall, trying to imagine himself as a woman. Going out and living his life according to Natalie’s, and… perhaps his own wants and needs.

“I don’t know.” He answered. “If I do, it feels like I’d be validating Astian’s spell. Everything he did wouldn’t be as bad. I’d be accepting all the psychological torment and saying ‘I’m happy being a girl’. It feels kinda… it feels gross is what I’m trying to say, and it feels gross to think that because that’s Natalie I’m thinking about. And she’s so much more than what Astian did to her.”

“And you’re not?”

Nathan, again, was silent.

“Why don’t you think about that these next few days, okay? Think about Natalie transitioning, and how you’d feel about it.”

“Okay.” He said, his lip quivering and eyes filling with tears again. Sara offered her hand to lift him up.

“I’m sorry for everything going so poorly.” Sara told him as he sniffed and wiped his eyes incessantly. “Is there anything going well right now?”

He managed a snicker through his tears. “I met this girl, she’s beautiful. I feel like she understands me a lot. We’re actually going clubbing tomorrow.”

Sara grinned. “Oh really? Nathan Parker going to a club? Never thought I’d see the day.” She snorted. “But seriously, I’m really proud of you.”

“You sound like my Mom.” He said. “God, I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear, I might have to go out and buy something.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine.” She assured him. “Besides, you have Natalie to help you right?”

Natalie smiled with her. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he has a suitable outfit tomorrow.”

Sara seemed a bit taken aback. “Ah… I take it, a switch just occurred?”

Natalie sighed, nodding. “This is how they usually go. No warning, no signs, just an immediate turn.”

“It’s a bizarre thing to see. I couldn’t even tell anything was off looking at your face. Have you gotten that used to the disorientation?”

“I tolerate it.” She answered.

Sara’s smile fell. “You were hurting bad when I saw you last. Nathan told me you still are. How can you even manage living like that?”

“I might have to make some changes.”

“Will he let you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

“He definitely needs some help.” Sara said. “What about you? Have you been doing fine?”

“I don’t know, but…” Natalie’s face turned a sad smile as she gazed up at the sky. “I think I’ve been put in this world for a reason, I want to find out what that is.”

Sara stepped forward and embraced Natalie in a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner.”

“It’s okay.”

“I promise I’ll see you again, sometime soon.”

“And I’ll be happy to see you too.”

Sara wrapped her arms around Natalie tighter. “Good bye, Nat.”

And with that, Sara vanished. Nat suddenly found themselves alone on the summit, hugging nothing but themselves.

Nat smiled, they loved themselves.

***

That evening, after Nat returned to the apartment, another message was left recorded on their phone. For most of the night, they didn’t know who was in control, but just for that message, Natalie was able to take charge to say something to Nathan.

“Natalie: Kate Parker is a very smart young woman, you know that as well as I do. One night, I talked to her, and she told me something that’s stuck with me since.

‘If you keep obsessing over what’s real, you’ll drive yourself insane.’

You’re you, and you’re real, so everything about you is real too. How it came to be doesn’t matter.

That woman said that to you too, and sometimes I worry you forgot. I hope you can remember it.”