“Hi Nathan. I don't know whether you’re a different person or just another side of me, it's really hard to comprehend. I know you’re feeling the same way about this.
The first thing I should say is that I don't think I can say enough times that I'm sorry about the sticky note. That was a really shitty thing to do, and I just… I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry.
I know you wanted to hear about how Astian and I started dating, according to my memories, and I guess since we’re basically the same person, or are the same person, I should probably tell you. I’m also curious about how you first met Astian. I know you went to boy scouts with him, but I’d like to know a little more.
Anyway, I wasn’t really friends with Astian in middle or high school. We’d both gone to the same school district since kindergarten, but we never really talked to each other until what happened in fifth grade, which I don’t think I need to repeat because I remember you remembering that incident when I was still you.
My god, that was a trip to say, am I really just talking to myself? This is so weird. Um, getting back on topic, after fifth grade I guess you could say Astian and I were like acquaintances, but that might be pushing it. Uh, after we graduated we went to college in the same state, but our colleges were like two hours apart, so we didn’t really see each other.
I don’t know why Astian would erase me and him being best friends… or you and him I mean. Maybe he thought a boy and a girl being best friends during school wouldn’t make sense? That’s the only thing I can think of. I don’t know, it’s probably for the best if we don’t try to make sense of what was going on in that man’s head.
Either way, it all started the summer after we both graduated college. I went to a bar by myself one night, and it was fine. Nothing much happened. That was, until I was leaving.
So… you know how me and Astian first started talking to each other after he ‘saved’ me from some boy trying to cut my hair when we were 10? Well, apparently he really liked the idea of call backs, because he used the same idea for us to get together.
Except, this time he increased the steaks. This time it was a group of guys in all black pinning me to a wall, putting a knife up to my neck, and demanding I give them all my money.
I was terrified. In my head, I was going over everything that they could do to me. They could kill me, they could rape me, they could… blackmail me by threatening my friends or family, I had no idea what they had planned. I tried to cooperate as much as possible. I gave them my wallet and hoped for the best, they’d just take it and let me go.
…They didn’t let me go.
They kept the knife on my neck. I don’t know what more they wanted from me. So I closed my eyes and prayed that whatever they wanted to do they’d get done fast.
After a while though, I was let go. The person holding me down just went away. At least I thought they did. I heard some yelling, but I didn’t know what it was about until I turned around and saw someone attacking the muggers.
It was Astian, I recognized him. And I was shocked. I never expected that I’d see him again, but there he was, and he was saving me.
He was able to take all of them down, but after the fight was over he had suffered some serious stab wounds and needed to be taken to the hospital immediately. I called 911 and soon the paramedics got him to the ambulance. One of them called me over and handed me my wallet, which Astian said he wanted me to have. I thanked him
He’d risked his life for me, and saved me from whatever those men had planned, so I had to drive to the hospital the next day to see if he was okay. The doctors said he was recovering well, and a couple days later I even saw him in his hospital room. I thanked him for everything, and he just smiled and said, ‘that’s what good men do’.
That event kick started us seeing each other more, and soon we went on a date. He took me back to his apartment, which he had first moved into very recently, and… well we had sex. A lot of it.
I decided right then that I was going to start dating him, and I also decided that I needed to live with him. So I finally moved out of my parents’ house and settled in with Astian.
…I remember, every time I was with him, I felt safe. He would protect me, always. I was never in danger whenever he was around. After all, he did save me from some guys who pulled knives on me, how could I not feel safe with him?
And then, well, you know the rest. When I’m you it’s the things that happened before the transformation that I don’t know. You know how the story ends. Astian gets arrested and you get told your entire life was a lie. Astian made everything up.
And you know that, in the shock of it all, you don’t fully consider what that means. It’s not until much later when you finally realize that the way you two started dating was made up too. Astian specifically made up a scenario in which you were put in danger, where your life was threatened, where you could’ve possibly been raped, all to feed his ego and make himself look like a hero. He cared about the power fantasy more than he cared about you.
‘That’s what good men do’, fucking bite me.
The hardest thing to accept in all of this is that I only exist because of him. The only reason I’m here is because he killed you to make me.
If there’s just one thing you take away from this, please let it be this. It’s not your fault, Nathan. It’s not your fault what was done to you. Please don’t believe it was your fault. Astian was the one who did the spell, not you. And yes, that spell was done to you. I’m just the thing that came out of that. There’s nothing real or authentic about me.
When I see that eagle project of yours, I see something real. I see something that exists and has a real, tangible benefit to the world. When I see me, and everything I’ve done in my life, it’s all a bunch of fake stuff that didn’t benefit anyone. I’m not really that noteworthy and I’m working an office job. What do I have to show for myself?
…
“You know, it’s kind of funny when you grow up being told ‘you can’t let your life revolve around a man’ and ‘you can’t let yourself be defined through a man’. ‘You gotta stand up for yourself’, ‘you gotta be independent’. ‘When you’re a woman the world will try twice as hard to knock you down and you gotta be prepared to get back up’.
I remember my mom giving me talks like that a lot. She was one of those moms that liked to emphasize ‘girl power’ and all that. And I tried to follow that advice as best I could. For so long, I thought I was doing a good job.
Then I learn that my entire life was created by a man, that I was created for the pleasure of a man, that everything about me was a man’s doing. All my little quirks are him, not me. A man’s very own toy he crafted himself and can play with at any time. It’s… well, it’s… funny.
It’s very funny.”
Nathan heard the recording abruptly stop, with Natalie sounding like she was just barely holding it together. He remembered that pain exactly how she felt it. Because he experienced it too.
He had forgotten about Natalie’s past, but he remembered the hurt down to his bones. He didn’t need to watch the video to know that. In fact, he didn’t even need to watch the video at all to know anything said during it. He remembered it all very clearly. He couldn’t remember the memories happening to him, nor could he visualize them in his mind. But he knew what happened. He’d never forget what she said.
Nathan brought his cursor down to create a sticky note and began typing his message.
“Hi, Natalie. I don’t know if I’m just talking to myself either, but I heard you wanted me to tell you how Astian and I met. There isn’t much to say about it truthfully. We first started talking to each other in fifth grade because we both liked video games and were in Boy Scouts. We hung out a lot and soon we were best friends. That’s kind of it. It’s not a very interesting story, I know, but I never had an interesting life anyway. Before this transformation everything was pretty boring. I was pretty boring.”
Nathan saw small slivers of sunlight peeking up the horizon. The turn of the day was coming and with it, another shift. He decided this was the time to get up and out of bed, if only to get in the habit of not waking up extremely late.
He was about to leave the room before he looked back to the computer and saw the note on the screen. He read for what was likely the sixth time.
Then he went back to it and added something.
“You’re real, Natalie.”
He turned away and left the room.
