Driven from Normal .

Simon McKenzie started his week normal enough, but after a series of events he found himself standing in a bar wearing a cocktail dress and the weeks that followed didn't return to normal.

“Mark and Chris!” I yelled, it had taken me most of the afternoon to remember the two guys' names helping at the trade stand.

“What?... Mark a what?” A very surprised Dylan asked.

“I’ve been trying to remember their names all afternoon…and it just came to me then!” I looked back down at my phone screen happy in the knowledge my less than impressive memory recall skills had finally worked.

Dylan glanced over at me, looking very confused, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Mark and Chris!...The two guys helping Dad today…”

Dylan shook his head and crackled out a dry laugh “Mmm, Soooo close…. But it was actually Mick and Brian?”

As soon as he said those names I had to admit, it sort of sounded far more familiar. I tried really hard to remember if he was right or not, but, not only had the hamster wheel in my brain completely stopped working, the hamster had packed up and gone home early for the day.
Dylan noticed the expression on my face and really started laughing, playfully pushing my arm,
“Just as well you’re so good lookin' cause you’re friggin memory is terrible…. Mark and Chris… Ba-hahah.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure they’re Brian and Mick?... not Mark and Chris” I asked him, a little suspect that he might just be winding me up.

“It’s definitely Brian and Mick!... I have zero doubt… They even had name tags on for fuck sake" He was shaking his head in disbelief, "Gez, you’re really taking this being a blonde thing very seriously, aye…”

I rested my chin on my hand and leant against the door, staring out the window, “Who the hell are Mark and Chris then?”

Dylan was now roaring with laughter, “Ahhh, shit…I think that’s why I love hangin’ out with you so much… Man o man, you crack me up…”

“Well good to know you think it’s funny that I’m possibly having a stroke or something!" I was really struggling to keep a straight face, "…Mick and Brian ya reckon…Huh!..” I had to join Dylan in laughing, how'd I cock that up so much?

“I mean it though! I’ve really enjoyed today, it’s been bloody awesome! You’re Dad is cool, and it’s been great spending a bit of time with you…” Dylan had stopped laughing and was kind of just gazing at me between glancing back at the road, leaving me feeling slightly self conscious all of a sudden.

“Mmm, yeah it's been a pretty good day all in all. Well, when you’re not taking the piss out of me, your company is,..well, I’d say, maybe slightly better than average.”

Dylan nodded, “Meh, yeah, nah, I’ll take that… gives me something to work on, aye…" Then he snapped his head back to look at me again, "Surely I’m better to be around than ya ol’ mate Lurch though?”

“Mmmm, dunno… he hasn’t tricked me into holding hands or anything…”

“Ah, well that's true…" After a throat clearing he continued, "You didn't let go of my hand either though!… Admit it, it wasn’t that terrible!”

I shrugged my shoulders, “You’re no Lurch, that much I’ll admit!”

“Nope, fair enough, I’ll give ya that one!”

I grabbed his phone from the pocket on the centre of the dash, he was using it to control the music playing on the car stereo,
“I can not listen to another second of this bullshit drum and bass crap you’ve been playing all friggin’ day!… It all sounds the same….Doof, doof, doof! Absolutely shit house!"

I wiped the screen with a finger, "Here, unlock your screen for me so I can put something decent on.”

“It’s just one, two, three, four…” He said offhanded, before suddenly trying to grab the phone back off me, “..Hang on, I’ll do it…”

It was too late, I had the phone unlocked and was looking at his screen background picture. A picture of me, or Simone to be exact, the photo he’d taken earlier at the field days, cropped and zoomed in.
I grinned as I turned the phone towards him, keeping it just out of his reach as he frantically tried to snatch it back. His face turned a very dark shade of red, and I think I spotted a little bead of sweat glistening on his forehead.

“...I can explain…”

I moved over in my seat to be sitting more straight on to face him better, crossing my leg over the other to gain a bit extra space, then waited, battling to keep the smirk off my face,

“Away you go then!… This should be verrrry interesting!”

“I..um.., Well! It’s..,no wait…Why that’s there, is because…” He stopped talking as I erupted into laughter.

“Ahhh…get stuffed… I can’t help it! …I think you're hot!” He paused briefly as another thought seemed to be forming in his head,

“Actually, I don’t even really need to justify myself! You're unbelievably beautiful, and why wouldn’t I be attracted to you! What's wrong with wanting to look at a nice piccy when I open up my phone!”

He poked his tongue out and returned looking towards the road. It was my turn to redden up, but as his words sank in, one thing seemed to stand out more than the rest of what he had just said,

“...But I’m not a chick…remember all this down here!” I motioned a hand over my crotch, feeling very uncomfortable.

Dylan seemed slightly annoyed and raised his eyebrows,
“Obviously I remember that!..And I couldn’t give a rat’s arse… You could have a bird beak down there for all I care! It wouldn’t change how I feel…orxwhat I think!”

I opened my mouth to speak and he cut me off, “Yeah yeah! I know nothing will ever happen. You’re with Mel… But I can hope.." Dylan took in a breath then sighed, "Even though you’d never actually do anything with a guy anyway, right?…”

I must have reacted to the last thing he'd said far more than I thought I had, he looked at me with a renewed glint of hope, “... Would you ever do something with a guy?”

I squirmed in my seat, instantly recalling the feelings of my night with Mitch. I didn't really know what to say now, I could hardly tell him that I’d never do anything with a guy after that night could I? I didn't even think I was even interested in guys at all until then. Was I interested in guys? Maybe I was, I’d surprised myself how far, and fast things had happened, and who knows how much further things would’ve gone if we'd been left undisturbed.

“Not giving an answer isn’t really an answer! Is it? Or am I missing something here?”

“I’m with Mel…so…” I finally conceded.

Dylan abruptly swung his head back to look at me, “So?, What do ya mean, so?... Do you like guys as well? We did sorta kiss at that party…"
The tone of excitement in his voice would have been hard for a deaf person to miss.

“NO!... I'm not into guys! Well, no, not really, not all guys anyway…”

Dylan really went to town trying to get the information out of me about what the guys I did like might have meant, he was relentless and I had to end it,

“Look! For fuck sake!… I’m with Mel! I really like her a lot!… I’m very happy and I’m not gay!…"
I drew in a long breath… "But, I may have kissed Mitch in Taupo, …just a wee bit…” When I looked up at him I continued, “Close your mouth, you look fucken stupid!”

I then had to, once again, recount the details of how I'd ended up making out in a hotel room with Mitch. Dylan listened attentively, taking in every detail and I strongly suspect he was a little turned on by it all, he’d adjusted the front of his pants a couple of times as I told him an edited down version of the story.

“..So might I be correct in saying that it's possible. Just possible mind you, that it all started because we’d talked on the video call first and you got a bit excited or something…Ya know, I'm just sayin?’” He asked, waggling his eyebrows up and down with a stupid grin on his stupid mug.

“Out of everything I’ve just told you, being brutally honest and spilling my guts out… the one, and only thing you’ve managed to take away from it all, is that, it was all your doing?… Rate yourself much, do ya?”

He shrugged his shoulder, “Yep!... You like me as well!” He added a fist pump “Fucken Sweet!, Best!..Day!...Ever!”

“...Just pull over here and I’ll walk the rest of the way home…” I giggled.

“You're gonna walk a hundred and fifty odd Ks home?… Hardly! Don't be silly!"

“Better than listening to you bleating on and on about how great you think you are…”
Dylan zipped his mouth shut and looked straight out to the road ahead again.

“...Why the fuck would there be a birds beak down there?.. That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard!”
Dylan pinched his lips closed holding in his chuckling that was escaping out the sides of his mouth in little puffs.

“Anyway… Let's get rid of this shit music now…” I picked his phone up and unlocked the screen again, “You’ve got a message..” I said, handing the phone back towards him.

“I'm drivin'! Can you just check it for me and tell me what it says?”

I opened the bubble, and read the message aloud, “It's from Touch Team. Lee-ham, wants to know who's keen tonight?”

“Ahhh right… What’s the time now?”

“Four twenty six…” I replied.

“Yeah, sweet. I should be well and truly back in time… Can you send a reply back, saying I’m in. Please”

I typed in the response and hit send, “He says, Cool. Me and K will see you there. And now he says, We still need a couple of extras…”
Dylan nodded and I closed the message app trying to open up the music one to change the crap he had playing.

“What are you and Mel doing tonight?... Keen to play a bit of touch rugby with us?” Dylan asked.

“Shit, I dunno? I haven’t really played touch since I left school…”

“You’ll be right! We really need another couple of players, and you two will only be rooting tonight anyway… You can still do that after…. Go on, just say yes!”

“I’ll have to ask Mel first and see what she says…I’m not sure if that's her thing or not?”

“Well, she played for us last week, so I’m sure she’ll be keen as..”
I gave Dylan a “did she” look, “Yeah, Kamyla brought her along.” He added.

“Kamyla?” I asked, getting more and more confused about why they'd played in his touch team, they hardly even knew each other I thought.

“Yes Kamyla! Lee-ham is Liam…” he explained pointing to his phone.

I nodded as all the pieces started clicking themselves into place, I told him I’d ring Mel to see what she thought of the idea. After catching up on the events of both of our days, I asked Mel about the rugby game. She quickly said yes! Dylan gave me a thumbs up when I nodded and mouthed yep!
While I continued to talk to Mel, Dylan was trying to get my attention and get me to send a message back on the group chat to say we’d both be keen to play.

I typed out (Mel and Simone are keen to play if we need them?) then showed Dylan so he could confirm it before I hit send.
Mel was busy telling me about one of her clients when Dylan's phone rumbled again, he indicated for me to check it. The new message was from Liam again (Awesome, we’ll bring some extra jerseys)
I was still holding the phone for Dylan to read when it vibrated again in my hand. There was another message, (See you at 6:30. Field 2)

“Shit, I’m just busy enough here, between talking to the missus and being your P.A.” I announced to Dylan, just after I’d ended the call with Mel.

“You being my personal assistant sounds pretty bloody good to me…”

“Pftt, With the amount of H.R. complaints you’d get for inappropriate behavior, you’d be gone before lunch!”

“True!… But, by Christ it’d be worth it!"

The next half hour or so of the trip was taken up with a refresher course in the rules of Touch Rugby, it turns out I remembered most of it from school anyway, but it was good to go over some of the stuff that had become a little fuzzy overtime.

Being social grade meant it was mixed teams and we didn't need to worry about a girl, who was really a guy, playing and having an unfair advantage, if someone found out. If anything, me not having played for five odd years would’ve been a massive handicap, and besides that, I would never have made the All Blacks anyway. My coordination on any sports field, was hit and miss at best, even a heap of enthusiasm only goes so far.

“Better see what's happening on the old Insta page I guess… Need to update it and help promote the ol’ boys field days stuff…” I said out loud but sort of just to myself.

“You seem to have a pretty good relationship with your Dad, aye!” Dylan asked.

“Yeah, he’s not too bad for an old Boomer I guess!” I could immediately tell by the look on his face that he and his parents probably didn't have had the same positive connection.

“What about you and your old’s? You’ve never really mentioned them?” I asked him a little hesitantly, in case my assumption was right and it was a sensitive topic.

“Me and Mum are solid as… The old man is nothing but a cunt!” He never even looked over as he dropped that C-bomb,

“Oh! Right…”

“Sorry…” he added quickly,

“Nah, you’re right…”

He took a deep breath and held it in for a moment, “He’s a real piece of shit though, aye. Treated Mum like shit all our lives and cheated on her, fuck knows how many times… I haven’t spoken to him since Mum kicked him out!“

“Ahhh I see! I’m really sorry to hear that.”

He stared out the window and appeared to be deep in thought, I left it there and didn't push the conversation on unless he wanted to.

"Fuck him…" he muttered, then raised his chin up and began to speak,

“Mmm, nevermind! Shit happens! …I made a promise to myself that I’d never, ever end up like him!... I saw what it did to Mum… And when he’d gone, I had to look after her, Me! I was just a fucken kid… It fucken broke her…"
Dylan poked his finger against the top of the steering wheel,
"I will never, ever do that to anyone!...Ever!”

“I'm sure you won’t. You’re a good dude….Your Mum was very lucky to have you there to look after her.”

Dylan wiped something from his eye, “Yeah… Anyway, what’s the go on Instagram?”
I took the change of subject as the sign to move the conversation onto something else a bit more upbeat.

“Well! I’m super-fucken famous to be honest! Nearly twenty five K of followers now. Shit that's jumped up fast…”

“Told ya that you’re a hottie, and twenty five thousand people agree with me. So, it must be true. I definitely know my shit, aye!”

“Guess so!” I scrolled through the various posts I’d been tagged in and there were heaps. There was a couple from Chantel, with me modelling her wares, but most of the new posts were from earlier in the day,
”Ahhh, my new wee mate, Doug has put up a post of us. Look!…”

I held the phone over for Dylan to have a quick look at the photo he had taken of us,
“Haha! What a player!.. Did you read the comment under it?”

“No?” I replied bring the phone back to read what he’d written,
(The future Mrs Doug Gilchrist @SimoneLilly What a looker. She's lucky to have me.)

I laughed, “Cheeky wee shit…” Then I made the mistake of reading a few of the comments below from his friends. The majority were fine, but there was one buried amongst them that stunned me a bit (Put that photo on the roof above your bed!)

“Eww, The grubby little pricks…” I had to read it out for Dylan, who found it steering wheel slappingly funny. When he spotted the grossed-out expression on my face he laughed even harder.

“Ahhh come on, the wee bugger has got a point!... You’d have had posters on your bedroom wall that’d tell some horrific stories if they could talk!”

“That’s very, very different…” I scrolled on to check the other photos and mumbled under my breath, “Dirty wee bastards…”

Joining up with the traffic into Queenstown slowed us down a bit, but we’d still made good time on the homeward trip as well, way ahead of the estimated arrival time the map app had given us.
“I’ll drop you off at Mel’s then duck home and grab my shit. I’m assuming you’ll want to get changed?”

”Yeah, this wee skirt wouldn’t be ideal to be playing in!”

“Ok, see ya shortly!” Dylan yelled as I hopped out and ran up the path towards the front door. Mel was already home and was happier than a dog with two tails when I walked in.

“Oooh I’ve missed you. Come ‘ere ya sexy thang and show me some lovin’!” She said as she went straight into a lively groping session of my body.

“We haven’t really got a heap of time ya know!. Dylan will be back shortly and I need to find something more suitable for touch than a miniskirt.”

Mel was already changed into her activewear and ready to go, and my word she looked good! Her bum looked amazeballs in those tight yoga pants.
When I'd prised Mel off me long enough to escape to her bedroom, I found the sports bra Kamyla had sold and a new pair of black running tights I'd brought myself while shopping with Mum. These ones were longer than my other pair, going right to my ankles and the material almost had a wet look to it.

"I've got you a drink bottle" Mel yelled from the kitchen.

"OH, sweet! Ta!"
I took a few extra minutes making sure I was securely tucked, a stray ball on the field is never ideal and less so if it turned out to be one of mine.

"All set!" I informed Mel as I walked into the lounge.

"Check you out… little sexy pants"
The way she approached me had me in fits of laughter. She looked similar to one of the gang members in the West Side Story movie, but instead of clicking her fingers, she was snapping them like crab pincers.

I playfully tried to swat her bum pinching away as she chased me around the house "Get away ya weirdo… Oww, Bugger off.. that one hurt!"

"Come here, let me at the sweet little arse… Here comes the little bum grabber crab…"

I've never been so pleased to hear a car horn tooting as I was when Dylan pulled up outside and let us know he'd arrived. The attack on my padded up cheeks continued all the way to the car, with Mel knowing exactly what area to concentrate her strikes on.
The front seat provided the best protection to my arse but Mel switched things up by poking my ribs from the seat behind me.

"If you two bloody kids don't knock it off I'll turn this bloody car around and we'll just go home!" Dylan yelled loudly all in one breath.
Mel apologised, then quickly started attacking him, poking him in the rib as well.
He looked at me and rolled his eyes,
"Pleeeease make her stop or I'm going to veer into the oncoming traffic!"

I grabbed a chocolate bar from the snack bag and waved it at Mel, "Here! See this… if you promise to behave I'll let you have it…"
Mel laughed, "OK, deal… hand it over!"

Lucky for us it worked, and Mel behaved herself only giving me one more small nip as we joined our team mates for introductions and a quick warm up practice session. Kamyla handed Mel and I our team shirts, honestly I'd expected the normal old cheap, printed tee-shirt, but these jerseys were very flash. Kamylas work had sponsored them and provided some professional looking team jerseys.

With twenty minute halves and only one sub player, we'd all most likely be playing the full game. The other team won the starting kick off and they meant business right from the whistle. Mel was far more competitive than I'd expected, barking out orders like a wee General and waving her arms in disbelief if they weren't obeyed. Kamyla played just as I'd expected, ruthless, calculated and determined. She alone added our points to the scoreboard with some impressive pace when she got the ball. Dylan may not have had the explosive pace but he was super accurate with the ball. His long range passes were very impressive, as were his kicking skills, putting the ball right where Kamyla was running to.

But as good as it all sounds, at the half time break, we were down by two tries. My fitness level was pretty good, or so I thought, between running and the occasional gym visit I thought a game of touch would've been easy, but I was pretty knackered and missed the half time team talk, while trying to get a drink and enough air-to-air refill my burning lungs. I was so pleased for the cooler evening temperature as well, I'd have just melted into a puddle otherwise. Liam had hurt his knee in the first couple of minutes, so any chance of a rest by subbing out vanished as well. It wasn't anything serious thankfully, just a tweak.

Our second half was far better, dotting down three unanswered tries in quick succession. I'd like to say I'd helped, but other than a missed tackle and a clumsy pass, I had little to no effect on the final score, but, I definitely got points for enthusiasm… and our team got the win so who cares.

I'd enjoyed myself a lot more than expected, my teammates all seemed to be a great bunch of people and we had a few laughs, and the after match, debrief drinks at the pub across the road from the fields, were even better. I had a good catch up with Liam, who was beside himself wanting to know why Simone was still around. It was a bit tricky filling him in on all the details in a noisy pub, surrounded with other people, but he seemed to grasp the basic plot.

"So, you and Kamyla seem to be getting on pretty good?"

Liam's face lit up, "Mate, I know it's still early days, but I think she's the one…She's absolutely perfect… I mean, shit… just look at her, Perfect!"

"That's very cool mate, I'm really pleased to hear you're both happy"

Liam lay his head on Kamyla's shoulder, who had his back to us talking to Mel and another girl from our team, Kamyla turned, smiled and gave him a kiss on the top of his head, then quietly whispered something in ear. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know what sort of thing she'd told him, Liam's face gave it all away.

"Ahh well, we'd better get going I suppose… Things to do and all that…" Liam said as he stood up instantly. Then, in a very poor attempt to cover his motivation, asked Kamyla if she was ready. They were both out the door and gone before half of the remaining group even had a chance to say goodbye.

"I'm telling ya!...Rabbits!" Dylan laughed, poking his finger in and out of a hole he'd made with the thumb and finger of his other hand, Mel grinned at me and raised her eyebrows up and down, then nodded her head towards the door. Dylan threw his hands up in the air,

"Aaahhh, really!… You two as well? Bloody hell!… I guess I'll just hang out here on my own then…"

"Yeah, you'll be right… Just go easy on that phone tonight!… Big day again tomorrow…" I told him as he held up a single finger and held a deadpan expression as Mel dragged me out the door by my arm.

A few moments later, I leaned back in the pub doorway and caught his attention, "Couldn't grab a lift home by any chance?"

"Shotgun!" Mel yelled, running to claim the front seat of Dylan's Subaru. When she had her seatbelt on she dived straight into the snack bag and with a mouthful of lollies asked,
"What's your plans tonight then?" She slurped a bit of dribble from escaping and looked at Dylan.

"Pretty sweet little night ahead of me to be honest, I'm going head home and try not listening to Liam and Kamyla root all freakin night…. Might get a bit of sleep before the alarm goes off. Who knows, I'm not sure if there'll be time… so, yeah… Good times"

Mel slurped a dribble again,
"It can't be that bad can it?.... surely not…"

Dylan gave her a nod with a raised eyebrow,
"Nah, it's worse… They go allllll night!"
Mel and I both laughed,

"I shit you not!... All fucken night… and how can I put it politely?"
He put his finger on his chin and thought for half a second,
"Nope, I can't, Kamyla goes off like a hand grenade!" He laughed, "Honestly, I've never heard anyone as loud…"

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. I thought she was being attacked the first night she had a guy in the flat!" Mel mentioned.

"It's unreal, aye. So yeah, no sleep again for me and an early start… Terrific… just, bloody terrific!" He said, shaking his head, still laughing.

Mel put another lolly in her mouth then said, "Just stay at our place tonight then!" Then continued searching for more treats in the bag.

To be honest, it would've been harder to pick than a broken nose who was more surprised with Mel's offer, Dylan and I had matching expressions of utter confusion.

Dylan looked at her, "Ya what? Hardly…You two would be as bad as them anyway!"

Mel sniggered and swallowed, clearing the last of the food in her mouth,
"We wouldn't be anywhere near as bad. And ol' mate in the back there will be asleep instantly anyway… no stayin' power at all that one.."

I scoffed loudly and Mel laughed,
"Nah, seriously, you should! Kamyla's bed is free, and it'd save you a bit of time in the morning…"

Dylan glanced over looking for my opinion,
"Kinda makes sense I guess!" I suggested.

Dylan swung on the steering wheel doing a u-turn,
"...I'll grab my gear from home then!"