Driven from Normal .

Simon McKenzie started his week normal enough, but after a series of events he found himself standing in a bar wearing a cocktail dress. Chapter 18.

"Ahhhhhh, FUCK!" I said through gritted teeth.

"This is a stupid idea" I continued as I rubbed my ear lobe and braced myself for the other side.

Mum rolled her eyes and shook her head "Don't be such a wuss! It's not that bad"

"Pffft, Whatever. I don't even want stupid holes in my ears"

The lady was now giggling so much she was struggling fitting my newly made holes with 10mm round studs, made of black carbon fiber wrapped with a titanium band.

"I wished I hadn't said anything now!"

"Righto don't pout. They are really cool though, aren't they" Mum mentioned, leaning in for a closer look.

I had just happened to spot the earrings while Mum was checking out a ridiculously overpriced ring. I'm like a magpie when it comes to anything made of carbon fiber, it draws me in every time, probably because of race car parts. When I'd looked a bit closer at them and audibly gasped when I noticed the silver titanium as well, my fate had been sealed.
I didn't even know how much they were when Mum already had me in a chair getting some disinfectant stuff rubbed on my ears. The lady who had just finished torturing held a small mirror up to show the finished procedure.

"Yeah, well just as well they look cool…" I mumbled, turning side to side and pushing my hair back for a better view.

Bloody hell, what's going on with me? if someone told me a week ago, that in a few days I'd be in a mall, getting my ears pierced after shopping with my Mother dressed as a girl, I would have kicked them in the shin and pushed them over. Or something else, possibly slightly more manly.

"Let's get out of here now! Before you talk me into more dumb shit!" I told Mum.

I scooped up the shopping bags and stomped off. I was trying my hardest to act annoyed but with Mum’s hysterical laughing it was impossible.

"No! Just come onnnn!" I yelled, as Mum pointed to the window display of a lingerie shop, it was maybe the only shop in the mall we hadn't been in.

It was just before five when we pulled out of the carpark with the huge stack of shopping bags sliding across the back seat, about the same time as we'd merged in to the heavy traffic my stomach rumbled loud enough for Mum to hear it over car and traffic noise as a reminder I hadn't eaten for a while.

"I could chew the arse out of a skunk!"

"Yeah, it certainly sounds like it! Message your Father and see if he wants to meet us for tea somewhere?"

I grabbed my phone and started typing the message, it was when I became aware of the pink finger nail doing the typing that made me stop.

"How's the old man going to react to this?" I asked Mum, pointing to my face.

Mum never even glanced over at me,

"Dunno?"

I sat in silence for a few moments, wondering about it when Mum continued,

"I sent him a photo of you before getting your ears pierced!"

"....and?"

Mum just shrugged her shoulders, "He didn't seem too worried…"

That wasn't overly reassuring, but I typed out a message anyway and hit send. Three little dots appeared, then disappeared, then reappeared a couple of times before (Speights or Lonestar) eventually appeared on my screen.
They were Dad's two go-to picks every time someone mentioned going out for a feed, for breakfast, lunch or dinner, he wouldn't even entertain another option if hexhadca say in it.
At either establishment, Dad would always pick the exact same thing, to the letter, it got to be a standing joke. That was after spending ages just looking at the menu when everyone else had already ordered, making the waiter stand at the ready like a big gooseberry.

The decision of our dining location had been agreed and the plans had been set in motion. We arrived first and cheerful waitress showed us straight to the booth seat, rather than us waiting at the bar for Dad. Mum sat on the outside chair after placing her bag on the one beside it, as I slid into the built-in seat, my dress rode up my legs and my bare bum cheek touched the cold leather, Mum smiled as I jumped up a little in shock.

"You need to tuck your dress under yourself. Before you sit down!" Then she leaned in closer,
"...and keep your legs crossed, that weird kid over there will have just gotten an eyeful!"

I looked over in the direction she had indicated via a head nod to see a teenage boy, quickly turning away, very red in the face trying desperately to avoid eye contact, he had his head down and turned away to the side, but I could still see the gross wee smirk on his mouth. "Whoops" I kept an eye on him and busted him a few times staring. Eventually, what I'd assumed was his Grandmother, gave him a bollocking about being rude.

The nerves were now building to boiling point as we waited for Dad to arrive from work. I was watching the door like a Hawk, with a slight increase in the panic levels every time the door opened, as well as now running through every possible situation in my head about what his reaction might be, even some pretty ridiculous ones, like flicking me with a teatowel as he chased me from the restaurant.

The waitress returned to our table with our drink order, Dad followed her. He must have slipped in while I was preoccupied making sure there were not any teatowels around or something?
He sat straight down in the booth at the opposite end to me, still in his work clothes and steel capped boots then opened up the menu to begin his already pre-chosen meal selection. He loudly cleared his throat, like only an experienced Dad can do, then mumbled to us both, but not really anyone in particular,

"Alright?"

My nerves had pretty much blown apart by then, my throat had dried out so much swallowing was a battle, even the "Ice Cold Steinlager" was helping and my face felt like it was on fire. Dad never really liked to show a lot of emotion at the best of times. He would have made an epic Poker player as you could never really tell what was going on inside his head, but he wasn't into gambling, a bloody waste of money he always reckoned. That all said, he was also a bit soft as well, whenever I told him about a new job I'd booked, he'd get a wee hint of a tear in the corner of his eye then change the subject to avoid a scene being made.
The awkward silence finally got to Mum after a few moments she broke and poked his arm,

"Well?..."

Dad looked at her with a blank stare and shrugged, he looked like he honestly had no clue what she was on about.

"Aren't you going to say anything about…" She lowered her voice to just a low gravelly whisper and continued, "...your Son?"

He tilted his menu down slightly and looked over at me, completely void of any facial expression,

"Nice tits!"

The slightest suggestion of a grin appeared in the corner of his mouth, which was then quickly covered back up with the menu.

"God! You can be a real old wanker sometimes!" Mum told him, shaking her head in disbelief.

Dad was now bobbing up and down silently laughing to himself. The feeling of relief I now had was huge, and I started laughing as well helping with the last of the nerves to disappear completely, well, briefly...

"So, are you a Homo now or what?" Dad asked, still not really looking at me.

"WHAT?, NO! Hardly!" I quickly shot back.

"That's good. Still a chance for grandkids then!" He slapped the menu down on the table, "Righto, tell me about the new Mitsi thing you drove. Any good?"

I knew right then for sure that Dad and I were still okay. I always thought we would be before that, but I knew for sure when normal programming resumed.

The meal was good as usual, Dad surprised nobody by ordering a medium steak with peppercorn sauce, salad and chips. I deliberately waited for Dad then asked for the same and Mum ordered a Chicken filo thing.
We talked all about my adventures over the last week, who I'd met, where I'd been etc. Dad had zero interest in anything other than the car stuff or what we'd been filming and his eyes quickly glazed over when Mum asked about anything girl related.
Dad's ears did prick up though when I mentioned Mel. He asked for a photo, and commented on how pretty she was, then quickly added she must be mentally ill or something to like me, even as a boy.

He asked when I was going to see her again and when I shrugged, not really having an answer, he told me, in no mixed words to "sort my shit out" and "not to let a pretty girl like her, to get away"

Hard to argue with that I guess, Mel seemed to be one out of the box. I hadn't been with a girl that I was so looking forward to spending more time with for ages.

I opened my phone and sent her a quick text asking if I could ring her a bit later, then waited impatiently, like a dog waiting for a scrap of food to fall of the table. She had seen the message but didn't reply, naturally I thought of the worst case scenarios in my head, and ramped them up from there. At the same time trying hard to stay positive and not just have a full-on melt down, I think being a bit tired wasn't helping either.
Just as we were fighting over who was paying, which was me after Dad finally backed down, my phone beeped from the confines of my handbag. I was still trying to find it and dig it out when Dad groaned.

"For fuck sake, you're just as bad as your Mother!" He shook his head then shoved a mint in his mouth from the jar beside the cash register and headed for the door.

(Yes. Duh! I thought you'd forgotten about me) Mel's message stated, followed with a string of heart emojis.

"Thank fuck!" I said out loud, mostly to myself, neither Mum or Dad had heard me I thought.

Now being much happier, I stepped outside into the early evening air, I again instantly became all too aware of how I was still dressed. The gentle breeze wafted around my legs then straight up under my skirt, the soft material danced across my body in gentle waves. It wasn't cold by any stretch of the imagination, but I did a wee shiver and goosebumps appeared on my exposed arms.

"Ya cold?" Dad asked.

I nodded, "Not a lot of skin coverage in this get-up"

"No I guess there's not." Dad paused for a sec then continued,
"Ah well, probably time to head home then, aye? What's your plans for the rest of the week?" He asked me.

"Um, I'm meeting Chalky tomorrow morning, I've got a couple of jobs to do at home after lunch. Wednesday is free, I think? And then off to Taupo on Thursday night for a few days doing that corporate event thing"
"What about you?" I asked Dad.

"Nah not much. I'm just getting a few bits ready for the Southern Field days later next week"

The Field days are a huge annual agricultural trade show, based in a rural setting, normally a large empty field. Companies have trade stalls set up to show off new products and the massive crowds of farmers (and Townies) flock in for a bargain. Dad's business was no different, he had an exclusive South Island agency for an imported Ag motorbike, so he always attended Field days, putting in a big effort in both time and money, which paid off, as he normally did pretty well in sales.

"Do you need a hand with anything?" I asked him.

"Nah, she'll be right. It mostly all sorted"

With that, he gave me a very unexpected and awkward hug and said he'd talk to me later. He told Mum he'd see her at home shortly, then turned and wandered away to his Ute, parked down the street a bit.
Mum mentioned how cool it had gotten as she turned in the opposite direction and started walking to her car.

"That was a bit weird, aye?" I said to Mum, still feeling a bit surprised at Dad's random showing of affection.

I don't know if Mum heard me or was just ignoring me, she never said anything and I decided not to push it further. As we drove off Mum asked if I wanted to stay at their place instead of her having to drive across town to my place. I explained that I couldn't as I needed to get home for a shower and de-girl myself so I could get to the meeting with Chalky tomorrow. Mum reluctantly agreed.

I opened my front door and sort of spilled into the house on a wave of shopping bags, suitcases and everything else that I had been so adamant about being able to carry all in one go. When I gave Mum a thumbs up from the doorway, she tooted and drove away.

"You home Shag?" I hollered out to my flat mate.

"Havin' a shit!" Came the blunt reply from down the hallway.

My housemate Ben, moved in about a year or so ago, we knew each other through mutual friends and hit it off straight away. He was easy going, had very similar interests as well as a great sense of humour. I was still dragging stuff out of the doorway when he emerged.

"Ohhh, Hello there! I'm Ben" He said to me as I was still facing away from him.

"It's me ya cock!" I replied, turning to face him.

His eyes widened so much that I they'd drop out on his cheeks,
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!" his face had turned a dark red almost purple colour.

"Yeah man, it's a long story…"

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Ya fucken fag!" he yelled.

"Calm down big fella. It was for the Queenstown job I did" I was shocked and now desperately trying to diffuse the situation before something else happened.

"Fucken calm down? Like fuck I will! You come in here dressed up like a bloody Sheila, and what? I'm supposed to be cool with it?" He shoved past me and headed for the front door.

"Like Fuck!, Fuck this shit! I'm out of here!"

With that he scooped up his work boots, slammed the front door and then I heard his van pull away off in a hurry.

"Well that all seemed a bit over the top" I said out loud to myself, still not exactly sure of what brought all that on. I thought I knew Ben pretty well, maybe not? I shrugged my shoulders and carried on shifting my stuff out of the way and into my bedroom

I had most of the items roughly stored away and was still feeling a bit on edge from Ben's dramatic performance, I got my phone out and sent Mel a message to see if she was free, hopefully she would be up for bit of a debrief. A message came back more or less instantly,
(Just finishing up at work. Ring u in 15 xxx)

Right then, fifteen minutes to fill in. I really wanted a shower but figured I'd wait for Mel in case I missed her call. I wandered into my room and took my dress off, followed by the bra, knickers and the Gaff.
Shit that felt so good, I stood in the nude revelling in the unrestricted freedom and waving my bits from side to side for a minute or two.
After an unsuccessful attempt at a dry removal of the glued-on boobs, I decided to try again later on in the shower, so much for Mel telling me the glue would release easily with a gentle pull...

I hunted through my drawers and found a baggy t-shirt I'd never actually worn and some comfy track pants. I slipped them on, strolled in the living room, flopped onto the couch and waited for Mel to ring. I flicked the TV on for some ambient background noise and started to have a decent look at the messages and comments on Simones “Insta” account. There were a lot!, like heaps and heaps.

I quickly deleted and blocked anything inappropriate, which thinned the list down pretty quick way to many request about seeing my “Bobs and vagine”
The few that were left seemed reasonably legit, offers about promoting goods, mostly health foods or diet supplements, a few for local clothing labels and one that really stood out and sounded pretty cool to be honest. A local hotel resort “Tussock Downs” had offered a one night stay for two including a bottle of champagne and breakfast in exchange for some publicity material, photos and social media posts I guessed.
That definitely might be worth looking into more, it might be a nice wee perk and I could take Mel as my “plus one”

I was still looking at the other comments when my phone beeped with a message from Ben, it just said,
(Sorry man might have got a bit carried away)
As I was typing a reply, Mel called.

We must have chatted for a good two hours, she asked me about the flight home and if anyone had outed me. She seemed to think it was a massive joke and how much I’d overreacted. I told her about Mum’s reaction and how we’d ended up spending all day shopping and she asked for photos to be sent of all of the stuff I had been talked into buying. When I said about getting my ears pierced the phone went silent for a few seconds, she laughed so hard she dropped the phone and muted it when she picked it up. I moved the conversation on to Dads reaction, turns out it was possible for her to laugh even more than she had been doing.
As the call was winding up due to the sleepiness creeping in and the frequency of my yawns increasing, Mel asked about tomorrow. I explained how I had a meeting with Chalky and would need to explain all about the “Simone” situation.

“Why don't you just kill two birds with one stone?” she said, very matter of fact.

“Huh?”

“Gez, you’re a blonde! Just go in as Simone! BANG! Job done and dusted!”

“Mmm, maybe. Nah, I dunno?”