Driven from Normal .

Simon McKenzie started his week normal enough, but after a series of events he found himself standing in a bar wearing a cocktail dress. Chapter 22.

The feelings of being so emasculated at my reflection in the mirror were levelled up when I called in to get some nail polish remover, to at least try and gain a little bit of my manliness back. Nope, another hurdle appeared, which I had sort of expected in my current mood.
The older lady at the chemist shop informed me that the “Gel” nails Anna and Mel had used might come off with straight Acetone, but not easily, and because I didn't really know what I was doing, would probably ruin my actual fingernails underneath. One very slight glimmer of positive news was that she suggested the very nice Asian lady at the nail salon next door would be able to remove them for me.

It would be an understatement to say how hard it was trying to explain that I needed them removed to someone who was very impressed at the workmanship and quality of the nails I’d been fitted with, while battling a massive language barrier. When I was confident we were finally on the same page and she was leading me to a chair, I asked how long it would take.
I didn't have “About sixty minute” to spare, so I'd need to come up with another plan. Surely there’d be somewhere in Taupo when I got there that could handle the task, surely!

Apart from one incident when I had just sat down in my seat on the plane, the trip to Taupo was very straightforward. The air hostess asked me if I was ok sitting in an emergency exit row, and would I be able to assist others if required, I nodded, and then she said it… “Thank you, enjoy your flight… Miss”.
“Miss” bloody hell…

The one thing I was looking forward to was hanging out with Mitch for a couple of days. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was a Fanboy, but he was someone I’d looked up to for a while. Mitch Reid was only a year or so older than me, and had already achieved a lot in motorsport, both nationally and internationally, racing single seater formula cars all over the world. I had known him from karting and followed his career as he progressed through the ranks.
While he wasn’t as well known as the top New Zealanders racing overseas in Indy cars or the Aussie supercars, he was still well known enough that he was a named draw card for MG and their product launch this weekend. He'd always kept in touch no matter where he was, or who he was with, which I always appreciated. Some of the top guys often got too fancy to talk to us pleb’s when they made the big time. Mitch treated me almost like a little brother, offering advice and entertaining me with his yarns from overseas whenever we managed a catch up.

At least Mitch knew I was a guy so I wouldn’t have any issues there, and if I could find somewhere to get the nails removed, I might just about have a normal weekend. I checked into the hotel and headed up to unload my bag before I attempted to find a nail salon.
As I walked down the corridor towards my room, Mitch was coming the other way.

“Big Mac!, new do mate?” he said, extending a hand to shake.

“Yeah, it’s a leftover from a job last week…long story..” I replied, very conscious of the pink fingernails still on my hand that I had just thrust towards him.

Mitch gave me a firm handshake, then turned and held my hand up to inspect the nails. He never said anything but I felt the need to explain myself.

“Also part of the job last weekend….”

“Ah yeah, sure man, whatever floats ya boat!” he said with a wink and a sly grin.

“Better chuck your shit in the room so we can head down to the bar and talk about all of this I reckon”

With that I swiped my card, opened the door and quickly heaved my bag onto the bed from just inside the doorway.

“Done!...Let's roll!” I said, walking back down the corridor as the door slowly closed behind me.

We propped ourselves up at the hotel bar and ordered a beer each, as Mitch and I had a catch up. He was very keen to hear about my adventures last weekend that resulted in having blonde hair and pink fingernails. I gave him a fairly edited version of events and skipped a few of the details that could’ve made him think less of me. There was the obligatory request to see photos of me all done up and he also wanted to see Mel’s photo.
To be honest I'm not sure if he was just being polite out of sheer awkwardness or was being genuine when he said how good I looked, but either way, I felt a bit weird.

Now desperate to change the subject, I asked what he had been up to lately, Mitch told me about a test he’d done a few months ago in Europe for an F2 race team, and was quietly confident in getting a full drive for the championship next season, What was exciting was that it was a junior development team of an actual F1 team. He’d met the drivers, had a look around the workshop, and had tried the team's simulator as part of the test. I was in awe as he told me all about the workshop, what the F1 drivers were like in real life, and how good the F2 car was to drive. I definitely had a fanboy moment or two, and failed horribly while trying to act cool.

“Shit, if they wanted someone fast, they should have asked me… pretty sure I’ve still got a faster time than you when we raced at Monza on I-racing”

“Yeah, what’s that, one track out of how many? And my connection dropped off..”

“Keep making excuses! We both know you couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a pig's arse!” I joked, then laughed louder than I should have at his reaction.

Mitch showed me some photos from his phone from around the facility, the cars and selfies with the drivers. He looked like he’d had fanboy moments with the big boys as well and I didn't feel quite as silly knowing he did it as well. The entire gallery on his phone was impressive, full of race cars, Formula one stars, European race circuits and ritzy parties with gorgeous models. It was what I imagined James Bond’s life would look like, but without the killing.

Other than the cars and related stuff Mitch was fairly relaxed about the rest of it, almost to the point of having no interest at all, he said the parties were hard work and it was more about networking and getting his name out there than having fun. When I’d mentioned the stunning models hanging off his arm in one photo, he dismissed it, saying they’re all paid to be there and if they combined all of their personalities into one, they’d still come up short. With that, he put his phone away and asked to see my photo reel again. I opened the phone and handed it to him as I tried to get the barman's attention for another round.

He asked me more about how they’d done my transformation as he scrolled through the photos. He said I would have stood out, in a good way of course, in the crowd of models at those flash parties. To be honest I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I said nothing at all, really helping to cement my embarrassment. Mitch handed my phone back, I think sensing how embarrassed I was and changed the subject to tomorrow's job for MG.

“Bags the hot laps!” he said, getting in before I’d even thought of it.

“Shit! Nah, I reckon you’d be better at the skidpan, aye. But don't feel bad for me, I’ll take one for the team and battle on with the boring ol’ hot laps”

There was only a very slim chance I would have been offered the Hot Laps deal anyway, MG’s guests would have expected a ride with Mitch, not some no-name like me, but it was worth a shot. We carried on talking for another hour or so, Mitch had to take a few calls during that time and he’s one of those people that can't sit when he talks on the phone, so he was up talking and walking around, leaving me to fill in time on my own.

As nobody from a fancy race team was calling me, I decided to check my Instagram account, there wasn’t a lot of action on mine at all, but when I switched the account to Simone’s it was a very different story. My followers had just ticked over ten thousand, the notifications had maxed out on everything across the top of the screen, there were literally hundreds of them. I had been tagged in dozens of posts, mostly spam advertising, but there were a few from genuine places, like the Mall and Shop I’d brought the dress from while shopping with Mum, they had shared my photo on their respective pages tagging me, and a link on where to buy the dress. .

Even though I only had thirty or so posts, it was mental, comment after comment on each photo and almost all of them were positive. There were a few random comments in languages I didn't know, and the translate button didn't help me work out what was being said.
I was still coming to grips with Simone’s online popularity when Mitch appeared over my shoulder.

“Who is that?” He asked, looking at the image on my screen of Simone’s shopping spree

“Ahhhh, Me…” I was so embarrassed again, I was hoping the ground would open up and end it all.

“You? Really? I never saw that on your Insta feed?”

I then had to explain about the Simone Insta account and about the extra photos of me all dolled up in girls clothes, slipping further and further into uncomfortable humiliation with every word. Mitch sat in silence, listening without any expression on his face.

Frig, I just wanted to disappear there and then, I was actually explaining to my hero how I’d been pretending to be a girl, and had even been out in public shopping for dresses with my Mum for no reason or without putting up any fight what-so-ever.
I finished talking as the redness in my face reached a point when I thought I was about to pass out. The dribble of beer left in my glass, did nothing at easing my drying throat.

“Ah well, that's pretty cool, not many would get that chance!” Mitch said.

In a very sarcastic tone I replied “Yeah, really cool…”

“Nah Mac, I’m serious, you’re…” he was interrupted when his phone began to ring again,

“Woah shit! It's Helmut from Austria, I need to take this! Sorry man”

I waved him off as he nervously answered the call and set off hiking around the bar before ending up outside with his foot up on the edge of a garden. I took the opportunity to duck away to the toilet, mostly for a Wizz, but to also hide in shame for a bit.

“I can't believe I just told him all that! Such a Dickhead!” I mumbled to myself as I closed the stall door and sat down on the toilet seat and buried my head in my hands.

As tempting as it was to stay hidden away in the Men's room forever, safe from more awkwardness, I figured I'd probably need to eat something eventually. Time to put the big boy pants on and get on with it.
Mitch was still pacing around outside on his phone, looking very excited, as I sat back on the seat at the bar. I heard an almighty yell, and spun around to see Mitch jumping around, fist pumping the air. He spotted me through the glass windows and sprinted inside, still very excited. He skidded to a stop at the table with a grin so wide that looked like a slice of watermelon.

“Bad news I take it?” I sarcastically asked him .

“I bloody got it, I’m off to Europe for a full season in Formula two!”

I was also very excited and leaped up to join in with the jumping around celebrations. Mitch grabbed me, pulling me in for a hug and held on as we bounced around, yelling like a couple of weirdos in the bar.

“We need to celebrate!” I mentioned.

“You’re right…. Champagne!... Ohhh nah, let's have some of my new race team’s sponsor's product aye?”

“Two REDBULL, and Jägermeister’s please my good fellow” Mitch asked the barman.

“Coming right up sir, and congratulations!”

Mitch gave me a quick rundown of what the guy on the phone had just told him, he needed to be in the UK in three weeks time, where he would be based with the team. I listened with great interest as he told me about the schedule, which basically involved following the F1 circus around the world. I mentioned I could hide in his suitcase so I could go as well.

“Yeah , you should come over. I’ll get over there and get shit sorted out, then you could come!, even just for a couple of rounds or something!” Mitch said enthusiastically,

“You could bring your new Missus for a holiday and the two of ya’s could be my grid girls!” he joked. “Nah, seriously, think about it though. It would be awesome to have a mate there!”

I assumed he was only having me on about being a grid girl but I was considering it for a brief moment if it meant experiencing the highest level of motorsport on the globe. I was still sort of day dreaming when Mitch snapped me out of it.

“Right then, I’ve got a few calls to make now, so, I might love you and leave you. I’ll see you tomorrow morning Mac.” With that, Mitch stood up, swigged the last of his drink back then hugged me again as he headed away back to his room.

He started into the first phone call before he had even made it out of the hotel bar, leaving me to contemplate life on my own for a bit. That got boring real quick, so I opened up my phone again to continue looking at Simone’s Insta account. Some of the new followers amazed me, including international companies and some New Zealand celebrities. I scrolled through the messages I’d been sent and answered any that I thought were genuine and not just spam or “Vagine” requests.

One request caught my eye in particular, at first I thought it was the same offer from the other day about swapping a night and breakfast for some online promotional work. But on closer examination, this was from The Millbrook in Queenstown, a 5 star resort complex on a golf course, a very fancy place with a restaurant and spa on site. It was way too good of an offer to decline, so I replied straight back with a huge YES, and asked for the full details to be emailed through. I may need another email address for Simone as the childish Gmail one I made up at high school didn't seem appropriate to be giving out, and my other work email address was for “SimonMac” which I figured I’d get away with anyway.

I was going to try and arrange it for this weekend and treat Mel as a surprise. Sure, it meant more dressing up shenanigans, but it was a deal worth, probably a couple of grand, and I was going down there anyway.

I decided to keep it all to myself and not tell Mel in case it all fell over, but I rang Dad to see if I could bludge a ride off him on his way down to the field days. I began the call telling him about the new deal Mitch had just got and what and where he would be racing. Dad was as impressed as I was and mentioned he would give Mitch’s father a call in the next few days to congratulate him as well. I said to Dad that Mitch suggested I head over for a look while he’s there and how awesome that would be, Dad agreed and then made the same comment I’d made about hiding in the luggage.

Dad had no problem with giving me a lift, then asked what I was up to. I explained about the Instagram deal at Millbrook, deliberately leaving out who had actually been offered the deal, to which his response started with a long, drawn out sigh….

“Really, I thought all of that Simone stuff was just a one-off thing, but whatever, as long as you know what you’re doing and don't get in the shit!”

I decided he was way more cleverer than I gave him credit for and came clean. Yes, it was a Simone deal, which would involve dressing up again and having my photos taken. He couldn’t get his head around why anyone would swap an expensive hotel package for some photos, so I had to explain that ten thousand people follow my page and see the posts I put up online. That was direct marketing to ten thousand people that are interested in my life, and if a few people thought it looked good and booked a stay, then it was cheap advertising.

I don't think he was overly surprised when I’d told him, I wouldn’t even say that he sounded disappointed, more just concerned about my safety I think.

“So, do all of these people know Simone is you, or even know that Simone is really a man?”

“No, they all think I’m a, well, that Simone is totally female…”

“Mate, I know you’ll do the right thing and you’re old enough to make good decisions, but just take some advice from your old man, Be bloody careful!, There are a lot of people around that won't like what you’re doing, or understand it and might get nasty”

He did remind me of the foul comments my crazy Auntie had put on the Facebook post of me wearing a wig and make-up, and said that would be just the beginning.
I did my best to reassure him and after asking what kinds of photos they were wanting, I think he was very relieved when I had told him it would be mostly scenery background shots and Simone having fun at the various points of the resort .

“So no skimpy pictures in sexy undies or anything then?”

“Ewww! No! Gross!”

He sounded mostly ok with my plans then agreed to go along with it, adding one condition,

“Well, seeing as I’m taking Simone to Queenstown, you know, for free! And with her apparently being so popular, she could help me at the trade stand for a bit, maybe sell a motorbike or two, aye?”

It was my turn to let out a long, drawn out sigh….

“Yeah, ok, I’m sure that won't be a problem….”