I was 28. I was between jobs. I was homeless. The breaks with my parents were final. My girlfriend had just dumped me. My best friend from high school had only barely failed to kill me. I needed a break!

I still think it was a bit unfair of my friend from high school to set fire to my mansion while I was sleeping there. It really wasn’t my fault he had refused to invest in the company I was about to start then and I just had sold for 2.6 billion dollars. Actually, I had begged him. It was unfortunate that the Due Diligence process had uncovered my father’s embezzlement. I had refrained from charging him but his previous employer did so now he’s in prison. He claims it’s all my fault. Me? I’m hurt by the breach of confidence. Just as I’m hurt by my mother seducing my girlfriend. Yes, I really needed a break.

I had always wanted to go to Rome but somehow always been too busy. Now I had time. Besides it would be a great opportunity to use the Italian I had learnt in high school. I had chosen Italian instead of Spanish or French since my girlfriend wanted to learn Italian. I suppose she now whispered “Ti amo” in my mother’s ear.

I loved Rome from the moment I arrived. The weather was great. The atmosphere, the people and the fact that I finally could relax when I was a long, long way from home. I had rented an apartment centrally but still quiet. I loved all the Roman ruins and Renaissance palaces. If I only had known more about the history.

The second day I was walking about Piazza Farnese when I spotted a young man, not less than 16 and less 20, looking hungrily at people eating at the tables outside. He tried to be discreet, but it was obvious. By the way, at a second look I was less sure it was young man. The short hair and clothes indicated boy but body language, the fine features and those amazing doe eyes finally convinced that I was looking at a tomboy.

She intrigued me. I decided to do something about it. I approached her and asked about one of the palaces. As it turned out she knew a lot. Not only history and architecture but also various anecdotes. Whether true or not she wasn’t sure herself. I invited her to lunch which she accepted. The food was excellent and the company even better. After lunch we continued to other places. She was an amazing guide. We ended the day in Trastevere in a small square with a church with mosaics on the front. There were several restaurants there. The evening was warm. The light … The food was less opulent than at lunch but equally good. Finally, I asked her if I could escort her home. She claimed to only have arrived in Rome the same day and had yet to arrange a hotel. I had a spare bedroom in the apartment and offered her to stay there. At the same time, I suggested that I’d hire here as my cicerone for the next week. It took me some time and effort to convince her that I had no plans to go beyond that. I really didn’t, then.

We picked up her small luggage from Termini and retired to my apartment. She went to her room, and I went to mine. The next day was as delightful as the previous day. The sights themselves were great but put into context by Maria (that was her name) things really came to life. And the stories she told. About Caligula who had his horse appointed Consul (nominally co-ruler). The goldsmith etc Cellini who got his model pregnant, killed her, replaced her with her brother both as the model for the female figure and in bed, and claimed the change was better in all ways. The great chiaroscuro pioneer Caravaggio who painted fascinating paintings but had an unfortunate tendency to kill people he didn’t like and was kicked out not only from Rome but Malta and other places as well for this minor vice. Popes no less steeped in vice. A Swedish ex-queen regnant who had various cardinals as lovers and so on. I certainly got my money’s worth. We wined and dined. We danced. We had a great time. For that I had got her some appropriate clothes.

I wondered about her background but mostly refrained from probing. One evening when she was a bit tipsy she told me that she had left home since she didn’t want to work in the family business. With a bit bit of gentle encouragement, she revealed that the family company was rather old and had started out in agriculture and switched to government contracts. Then it was successful and got into systematic stealing, forgery, the protection racket, smuggling, rent-a-thug and such. She got me worried. Was I hiding someone that had run away from the Mafia? She laughed at me and assured me that the family business had gone completely legit at least from her grandfather’s time. I WAS relived. No matter if she told tall tales or not she probably came from money. She spoke excellent Italian. However, the fact that she spoke without a trace of dialect and some minor errors when using colloquial expressions, though not as bad as mine, convinced me that A) she wasn’t Italian and B) hat she’d had very good and probably very expensive schooling. Her knowledge and the way she acted enforced that. On the other hand, I repeatedly had to give this tomboy tips about how a lady behaved. The very expensive boarding school I had attended had given me ample opportunity to observe the female students in every conceivable situation and how they were trained. She made rapid progress. In fact, that changed my mind about the various invitations for parties etc I had received but had intended to ignore. Attending those with Maria as my plus one became more and more attractive. After some hesitation Maria agreed. We spent a couple of evenings with me playing Professor Higgins and then we set off. The soiree was quite pleasant and Maria’s help, no one could resist her doe eyes, I made some valuable contacts for my next company. We repeated that a couple of times. By then I was forced to admit to myself that I was falling in love with Maria. She still had that tomboyish charm but during our time together her femininity had blossomed as well.

We still roamed Rome. By day and by night. Once we passed the church where “Bocca della Verità” is just as the guard was about to lock the gate. I bribed him to let us in to it (and even more to let us out later). I got her to put her hand in the mouth and then I finally asked where she came from. She immediately pulled back her hand and told me never to ask about her background. Right, so there WAS something fishy about her. Well, for the time being I’d let that slide.

However, I upped the ante and at the next party we went to I had her introduced as Princess Maria of Göttingen, a completely fictitious former principality. No one raised an eyebrow. I don’t know whether that had anything to do with an invitation to a state dinner a new friend of mine, or rather ours, wrangled for us.

I hadn’t bothered to check why the dinner was given so it was a surprise that it was for genuine royalty (and I’m not taking about the money I still got from my former company): The King of Ruritania with family. Ruritania is one of those small countries that live off stamps (not so much today), tourism and exploiting the royal family which meant they were very conscious of their position. I realized that we were screwed but had not option to just go on. Probably they’d want to avoid a public scandal. When being introduced to the King, a fit man in his 70s, he just smiled and said:

“What a great pleasure to meet you …… Princess”

However, he smiled a genuine if somewhat ironic smile. He certainly gave the impression to be a nice guy. Not snobbish in any way. I breathed out. Then we continued to the Crown Prince. He was the exact opposite of his father. About 50 and definitely pudgy, He barely bothered to acknowledge the American entrepreneur and the fake princess and demonstratively looked at the next couple to be presented. The rest of the evening was uneventful. The only thing was that Maria urged me not to drink ANY alcohol. Given the circumstances I completely agreed.

When we got back to the apartment after the dinner Maria told me to wait a few minutes and then come into her bedroom.

When I did that, she surprised me. She wasn’t a tomboy. She wasn’t really a she, at least not in body. A very nice androgynous body that she presented to me without any clothing. However, the lack of breasts and the existence of a penis somewhat gave the whole thing away.

“John, you have every reason to be angry with me. I have deceived you. I’ll leave tomorrow. I never intended to. At first it was only a funny situation that I enjoyed but then I fell in love with you. I can’t allow that to happen, so I’ll leave. But could we spend just this night together? I made sure you’d be sober so any decision you make is not while intoxicated. I don’t expect you to agree”

We spent the night together. I tried to change her mind about leaving but she was adamant. She just repeated that it was absolutely impossible for her to stay. At last we fell asleep exhausted.

I got a real surprise when I woke up. In a chair sat the king of Ruritania looking at surveillance tapes featuring Maria and me. He had connected his laptop to the widescreen TV set in the bedroom, so I had a perfect view of what he was looking at. I wondered how he had got all that surveillance footage from all over Rome. I wondered how neither of us had recognized how soon we had fallen in love to judge from the imagery. I wondered how the king had got the footage so fast. I wondered how he had got into my appartement. However, most of all I wondered: WHY?

Beside me Maria moved and woke up. Ruffled hair and obviously still very sleepy she looked at the king and said:

“ Hi, Daddy.”

“How nice of you to recognize me Princess. And thank you for the TWO very brief messages your mother and I got. Somehow the text “I’m fine, Don’t try to find me” was just what we needed to be happy when our child disappeared for weeks.”

The king saw my consternation and smiled a broad smile.

“Ah, I gather that you haven’t been formally introduced. Allow me. My child, meet John Algernon George Merewether, American entrepreneur who recently sold his company for two point six billion dollars and is in the process of networking for his next venture. Unmarried, and of reasonably good repute. Mr Merewether, please meet Prince …..ess Georg Maria Alexander Henri Ludwig of Ruritania. Oh, by the way my second wife, who was ill yesterday, is much younger than I if you wonder. I must compliment you on your excellent fish impersonation Mr Merewether. However, we have a “situation” here. Finding the two of you in bed like this a century ago would have cost you your head. Now I think it’s only a case of Lèse-majesté. Of course, the traditional alternative is for you to marry.”

At that the king smiled evilly.

“Dad, we don’t have same sex marriage in Ruritania!”

“Oh, my powers have been sadly curtailed over the years, but I think I could swing that. Or … perhaps I’ll just proclaim you female. That I could do without parliament butting in. One of our ancestors was a Male-order king. Besides just imaging the PR we’d get with a transgender princess! And the wedding! I think we’ll make it even better than your big brother’s all those years ago. Now we are much more media savvy. And the romantic story. American billionaire meets secret princess. Roman Holiday with a much better ending in my opinion. Media will go mad.”

So, this was the “Family business” Maria was trying to escape from. I couldn’t blame her. Oh, I wanted to marry her, badly. Nonetheless I was going to refuse at first to get some leverage. Maria absolutely had to get out of the family business. Perhaps the wedding, that actually sounded fun, sort of, but then off to the US and drop the royal duties. Family was another matter. Pity that meant that I’d have to keep my US citizenship which would preclude any title like prince or duke or something like that. Oh, well. Too bad.

“Sorry, your kingship. No can do”

“Ah, Mr Merewether. Then I’ll have to take more drastic measures. Perhaps it would be difficult to get you extradited from Italy for Lèse-majesté but I’m sure I could dig up some old Ruritanian law that you just have broken in your relations with the royal family of a country Italy has a very friendly relationship with.”

The words were harsh, the tone they were spoken with were harsh but looking at his face I saw how much he cared. The almost imperceptible movement of the head and the silent mouthing of “Please, Please for HER sake”. I also discovered where Maria had got her doe eyes from. I had never been able to deny those eyes anything. Besides, I suspected that my father-in-law-to-be had similar plans for Maria as I had.

“Prince…ess Georg Maria Alexander Henri Ludwig of Ruritania will you marry me?”

The forceful punch I got in my stomach almost made me miss the answer.

“YES, YES, YES you lowly commoner.”