Chapter 1 The Misfits

The grip on my right hand tightened on the ledge as I knocked on the window; little bits of paint flaked off the windowsill and fluttered down past me. I couldn’t watch it fall. My fear of heights was kicking in.

It's not often my girlfriend asked me to sneak over for the night. It was my birthday, and she told me she wanted to give me a present. I wondered what it was.

The wooden lattice I’d climbed shook a little as I waited. It seemed pretty sturdy, but I didn't trust it. Why does she have to live on the second floor? I thought.

The strain on my muscles— as if I had any— was becoming too much. I reflexively looked down. A cement porch was strewn out below me, chairs and a BBQ threatened me. I imagined falling and hitting the metal grill. The thoughts made me redouble my efforts to hold on.

Then the window opened.

I scrambled into the room, not waiting for someone to invite me in. I ended up on the floor, my heart pounding out of my chest as I watched my girlfriend close the window.

Joy, my girlfriend, was in her pajamas, the type that looked like a dress. I wasn’t sure what they were called.

About half a dozen giggles came from behind me. I sat up and turned.

Joy’s friends, who were also in their P.J.s, were strewn all over Joy’s bed and other furniture she had in her room. I’d been in her room a few times and I’d snuck in those times as well. I seriously hated climbing the wall.

I gave them a quick smile and stood.

I didn’t know that Joy’s friends were gonna be there but I would be fooling myself if I didn’t think it was a pleasant surprise.

“Like the view?” Joy said from behind me.

I faced her, smiled, and said, “This one’s better.” I moved in close, pulled her to me and she gasped. My lips were an inch away from hers and I waited for her to initiate the kiss. I couldn’t see her that well through my hair. I was going for a Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain look.

She gave me a quick peck on the lips and pushed away. I hesitated for a moment, wanting more. I gazed into her eyes and smiled. She smiled back the dimples in her cheeks showing themselves.

“Awwwww.” Several of the girls said and then broke out into more giggles.

“Happy birthday,” Joy said.

I leaned my forehead against hers. “Thanks.”

“Get a room!” Alyx said.

Joy turned to her and snapped, “We’re in my room!”

I knew a few of Joy’s friends, Alyx was one of them. The other girl I knew, Jane, wasn’t there.

Alyx stuck her tongue out, at Joy.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep!” Joy said.

Alyx's tongue retreated into her mouth.

“So…” I said. “What am I doing here? I thought we were gonna be alone?”

Joy grabbed my hand and backed up. “Well…”

A few of the girls giggled.

“Well, what?” I asked. I was starting to get nervous.

“Well, we—”

“We?” one of the girls interrupted Joy.

“Okay, I wanted you to stay the night with us.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” the smallest girl in the group said.

“Shut up Gina!” said one of the girls.

“Eat me, Lacy!” Gina replied. Then both stuck their tongues out at each other.

A really tall girl stood up, crossed her arms, and squinted at me. I had to look up to see her face.

She said, “If he fucks with anyone I’ll beat his little ass.”

I swallowed. Hard. What the hell have you gotten yourself into Walker?

“He has to wear the nightgown though,” Gina said.

“Wait what?” I said. That must have been what they all were wearing.

“The underwear too or else he has to go,” Lacy said.

I let go of Joy’s hand and my arms shot forward. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “I didn’t agree to any of this.”

Joy put her hand on my back and I turned to her. “I want you to stay the night with me.”

My defensive demeanor melted slightly. Did she say what I thought she said? I shivered.

Staying the night with a bunch of girls? I'd dreamt of this at least a couple of times. I weighed the pros and cons in my mind. There was a huge con I needed to address immediately. "You can't tell anyone at school about this," I said.

Joy's friends looked at her. Joy glanced at them and then focused on me. "Not a word," she said.

All the girls made a motion like they were zipping their mouths closed, locking it, and tossing away the key.

***
The nightgown Joy gave me fit. She and I were the same height. I was thinner than her. Keeping weight on was something I struggled with. My friends were jealous of how I could just devour food and not gain a pound. The underwear she gave me, however, was tight. It didn’t help that my little buddy decided to stand at full attention.

I couldn’t believe this was happening.

The girls’ clothes kind of reminded me of when my older sister would play dress up and put me in her old clothes. It was a weird time in my life.

Maybe my life was doomed to be abnormal. I was born with a birth defect and I was nervous about getting naked with a girl.

A knock sounded at the door. "You okay in there?" Came from the other side.

"Yeah," I lied, looking down at my anatomy. I was not okay.

"We're waiting for you." I was pretty sure it was Joy on the other side of the door.

The sporadic bouts of not being able to control myself was extremely annoying. It was actually a new thing caused by the medication I was taking.

After a few minutes, a lot of cold water, and some tucking, I felt ready enough to go out.

Joy and her girlfriends sat on the floor in a circle. Everyone turned to me as I peeked around the door.

Joy waved me over.

I lingered at the door, using it as a shield.

Joy gave me a look. I didn't know her looks just yet since we just started dating. It wasn't a pleasant look, though.

I crept my way from behind the door and revealed myself.

One of the girls giggled. I didn't know which girl it was because I was too busy looking down. When Gina punched Lacy in the arm I knew who had done it.

Rather than slowly making my way to them I strode into the room and sat next to Joy. Better to quickly rip off the band-aid.

An awkward silence permeated throughout the room. I took that moment to examine Joy's room in a bit more detail. The walls were white with pink polka dots. The pink was so light you could barely see it. She had a cherrywood vanity with a small stool below. It sat next to her bed. It was at least queen-sized. On the other side of it was a loveseat the same color as her vanity.

There were five girls there in total. The really tall girl, who had threatened me earlier, was the only one whose name I didn’t know.

"Hi, I'm Walker and I'm an alcoholic," I joked.

Joy socked me in the arm and I laughed.

The other girls giggled, so my joke had its intended effect.

I had to pull a lot of strings and give away at least a couple of my favorite baseball cards to make tonight happen, so the least I could do was enjoy it.

“Do you have slumber parties all the time?” I asked.

“Once a month or so,” Joy said.

“Sometimes we’ll swap houses,” Gina said.

I nodded. “My sisters used to have them all the time.”

“You have sisters?” Joy asked.

“Yeah. Two of them. I’m the middle kid.”

“Ewww,” said the tall girl.

“Ewww?” I asked.

“I’m a middle kid too,” she said.

“You know how it is then?”

She nodded. “Blamed for everything.”

I nodded. “What’s your name?”

“Oh, I’m Sam. It’s short for Samantha,” she said.

“I’m Gina.”

“I’m Lacy.”

“You know me,” said Alyx.

I smiled at Alyx and said, “Nice to meet you all.”

Joy leaned on my shoulder.

“So, what are we gonna do?” I asked.

Most of the girls shrugged.

Lacy didn’t. “Lets play truth or dare!”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

No one seemed to object.

“Who’s first?” Lacy asked.

Sam raised her hand. “I’ll go first.”

“Who asks the question?” said Gina.

“How about the person to your right and we’ll go around in a circle,” Joy suggested.

That made it so she would be the only one asking me questions.

“No! The one who asks the question gets to choose who they ask,” Alyx said.

“Makes sense,” I said with a shrug. Joy’s head rocked along with my shoulder.

“I’ll ask her a question,” Joy said and sat up.

Sam took a deep breath.

Joy covered her mouth and then removed her hand revealing a smile. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Knew it!” Gina said.

Lacy pushed Gina. “Shhhhh.” They stuck tongues at each other again and then turned to Joy.

“Uhmm—”

“C’mon Joy!” Alyx said.

“Okay, okay, how about, uhmm.” She put her hand to her chin. “What did you and Tommy do on your date last week?”

Sam turned a deep shade of pink.

“Oooo, I wanna hear this,” Lacy said.

Gina nodded along with Lacy’s words.

“We just went to the movies,” said Pam.

“And?” Joy asked.

Sam huffed. “It’s private!”

“This isn’t half-truth and dare,” Joy said.

Sam exhaled. “Okay, we kissed.”

I lifted my gaze to her eyes. “Is he taller than you?”

Joy socked me in the arm. “Don’t ask her that!”

Apparently, I’d hit a sensitive subject, which I would avoid in the future if I could remember.

“Sorry,” I said and rubbed my arm.

“How was the kiss?” Lacy asked.

Sam looked into her lap and shrugged.

Gina attempted to encourage her. “C’mon, Sam, you know us.”

She folded her arms under her breasts, looked directly at me, and said, “I don’t know him.”

I raised my hands, looked down at the nightgown I was wearing, and then back at her. “I’m not saying a word.”

She squinted at me and said nothing.

“Look, if I say anything, just tell people you saw me wearing this thing,” I said. If the guys caught wind I was in a girl’s nightgown, they would harass me to no end. They already liked to give me wedgies and toss me into the trash. I didn’t need to give them any more reasons to fuck with me.

Joy leaned on me again and ran her fingers through my hair.

“Fine,” Sam said. She lowered her arms. “He picked me up around seven and took us to the theater.” She leaned back on her hands. “Then we watched—”

“What movie?” Gina asked.

“Happy Gilmore.”

“Really?” Alyx said.

"Yea—"

Lacy laughed.

"Don't laugh! We just wanted something lite. Low stress."

"Sounds reasonable," I said.

"So he kissed you? Was it like, at the end of the date or at the movies?"

"After he took me home. He did put his arm around me at the theater though."

I lifted my face and looked at Sam. Joy socked me in the arm again.

"What?" I complained.

"I know what you’re thinking!" she said.

Lacy ignored us. "Is he a good kisser?"

Gina's face scrunched up. "I hate when they just do a bunch of small pecks."

Sam shrugged. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth," Joy said.

"His lips lingered on mine. He closed his eyes and I closed mine.” She paused for a moment and sent her balled-up fists into the air and then suddenly spread her fingers. “Fireworks."

Gina's mouth dropped.

Lacy's eyes widened.

Joy and Alyx rolled their eyes.

"That's just from one of the romance books she reads," Alyx said.

Gina and Lacy looked annoyed.

“I leaned down.” Sam looked at me and I put my hands up. “And we had a soft kiss.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Yeah that’s it!” she snapped.

“Sorry…” I said.

Sam pointed at me. “I choose Walker! He’s next.”

Everyone looked at me.

I swallowed my nervousness about halfway down.

Sam said, “Tru—”

“Dare,” I said.

Lacy whined. “Awww.”

Sam thought for a moment, her face still in a scowl. “Okay, pull your nightgown tight at your waist and walk across the room like a girl.”
I winced and then remembered. “I don’t know how to walk like a girl though.”

“Oh, we’ll show you,” Gina said.

Alyx and Lacy nodded.

Everyone stood up.

“Like this.” Joy raced to one side of her room and walked to the other side.

“No, like this!” Sam did the same as Joy but she added a sashay to her walk.

When I moved to the starting point my hands started to sweat. This was a little too close to home with the troubles I’d been having with my body.

Taking a deep breath I pulled the nightgown to my waist and tried to copy what Sam had done.

The girls were quiet. I was expecting them to laugh at me or something, instead, they looked spooked.

“What?” I asked.

“Walker, can you come to the bathroom with me?” Joy answered my question with a question.

“Sure.”

As I was closing the door I saw the four remaining girls huddle and whisper to each other.

When the door closed Joy asked, “Can you lift that up?” She pointed to the nightgown I was wearing.

“Uhm…”

“It’s important, I’m not going to laugh.”

I closed my eyes and lifted the nightgown.

Joy looked shocked. “Where’s your penis?”

Without opening my eyes I said, “It’s down there. I tucked it in.”

“You can open up your eyes. I want to show you something,” Joy said.

I opened my eyes and Joy was facing the mirror holding up her nightgown.

“Come look in the mirror.”

I let go of the nightgown and stood next to her.

“No, pull that back up.” After I complied she said, “Look.”

In the mirror was our reflection but I didn’t see anything strange. Other than I had tucked my trusty companion between my legs.

Joy’s face went blank.

“What? I asked.

“Look at me then look at you,” she said.

We looked pretty much the same. I was wearing her underwear, so of course, I would look like her. “We look the same,” I said.

“Exactly!”

“Exactly what? I’m wearing your underwear. Of course, it’ll make me look like a girl.”

“No, no. Look at your hips. You’re curvier than I am!”

My hips were a bit wider than hers. “That’s just because I weigh more than you.”

“You’re not getting it, Walker! You look like a girl.”

A shiver ran down my spine. I let the nightgown drop. My clothes were still on the floor so I started putting them on. They were pretty baggy which was in style. Grunge they called it.

“Stop, Walker, stop.”

One leg in my pants and I stopped. My breathing increased.

Joy put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“Wha—” I let my pants fall. “What do you mean, it’s okay?”

She wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. I didn’t even have to bend my head to look her in the eyes. She leaned her head on my shoulder again and hugged me.

The longer she held me the more my composure slipped. Soon enough my eyes began leaking.

In early December my mother saw my chest when she brought me a towel. My breasts had grown quite a bit and the nipples were much bigger. I was horrified and wore like three shirts every day to keep them down.

Mom and dad took me to a doctor after that. The doctor prescribed a low dose of testosterone. I’d been taking it ever since. They obviously weren't working fast enough.

“I—”

“It’s okay,” Joy interrupted.

“How can it be okay? You probably don’t even want to date me anymore.”

She took her head off of my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “Hey don’t be that way! Of course, I want to date you still.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “You sure you have a penis down there?”

I smiled. “Yeah.” I pulled up the nightgown and pulled down my underwear.

She kneeled down and examined me. “You do have one. But where’s your…” Then she gasped.

I quickly pulled my underwear back up. “Please don’t tell anyone at school. I already get beat up.”

Joy stood up. “Is that a— you’re a Hermaph—”

“Don’t use that word!”

“What do I use then?”

“Intersex.”

She stood there blinking for a moment and then sat on the toilet seat.

I heard a thump from the door and then a muffled, “Shit!”

I opened the door and Lacy fell forward catching herself on the door frame.

Tears gushed from my eyes again. “Go ahead make fun of me.”

“Get the fuck out Lacy!” Joy screamed and kicked the door shut.

Joy’s room was pretty big but it was at the expense of her bathroom. I was beginning to feel cramped in there.

Joy got up and hugged me again.

“I—”

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay,” Joy cooed.

My defenses dropped and I let loose. No composure, pure ugly crying.

Joy handed me a wad of toilet paper and I wiped my eyes and nose with it. It took me a while, but I eventually calmed down. Joy swapped positions with me and had me sit down. She held one of my hands while she sat on the edge of the bathtub.

She squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to worry about me and my friends, okay?”

Just the thought of all of those other people knowing about my— I didn’t even want to think about it.

“Hey my friends and I, we’ve been through a lot, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

Joy took in a deep breath. “You know my friend, Jane?”

I nodded.

“Well, she had a really bad experience with a guy and didn’t even want to be here tonight because I told her you were coming.”

I was probably one of the least threatening guys alive and she knew me.

“The other girls have problems too. I can’t talk about them but we’re a lot like those toys in that Christmas movie.”

“Misfits?” Christmas was only a month ago and the Rudolph cartoon was still fresh in my mind. We watched it every year.

“That’s them,” she said.

***