Chapter 7 Time to Go

Holding out on information didn’t work the first time and I didn’t know why I thought it would work again. The girls were staring at me.

Gina poked me in the stomach. “You really thought you were going to have sex tonight?” She and Lacy had my arms pinned at my sides.

I struggled. “Well, what should I have expected! It's my birthday and my girlfriend asked if I want to stay the night with her.”

Everyone's eyes shifted to Joy and she looked down.

“Sorry, ex girlfriend,” I said with a bit of bitterness. When Joy’s face contorted I regretted my tone. I took a few deep breaths and stopped trying to escape the girl’s grasps.

They let go of me and returned to where they were sitting.

Alyx leaned forward and put a hand under her chin. “So what positions did you think you were going to do?”

“Oh, my, God!” I said and reached for my head to cover up.

Before I could muffle my ears Alyx said, “I'm kidding!” and put her hands up.

I paused waiting for another volley of jokes that never came. My arms went limp as I let my whole body sag. In a way this breakup felt more embarrassing than the one with Missy.

Sure, Missy made me cry in front of all my friends but at least she didn't break up with me because I looked too much like a girl.

The skirt I was wearing was stretched between my crossed legs. I ran my fingers along the soft fabric. A lot of the guy clothes I had were rougher on my skin and I even got rashes from the friction while running.

Sam put her hand over mine stopping me. “Walker,” she said.

I made eye contact with her.

“Why were you so angry? It looked like you both accepted the break up peacefully.”

It was weird how big Sam's hands were. Even my mom's hands weren't that big. “I wasn't mad at her.”

“Then who were you mad at?” When I didn't answer she kept going. “Because you were shaking. I've never seen anyone so angry.”

I wondered what shoes they all wore. They were all stock-footed at that moment but shoes were a part of what girls wore too. My sister and her girlfriends never let me wear their shoes. I wondered what they felt li—

Sam shook my shoulder. “Hello, don't ignore me!”

“Don't,” I said while lowering my head.

She stopped.

My gaze returned to her and we locked eyes. A cold feeling in the center of my chest spread throughout my body.

Lacy touched my arm and I turned to her giving her the same stare as I gave Sam. She didn't seem phased.

What the hell is wrong with these girls! They wouldn't get the hint that I didn't want to talk about it.

It was when Gina grabbed my waist and held on tight that I lost it. Tears streamed down my face like a river during spring.

All the feelings that I had pent up about my father came out in a fit of sobs and snot.

The fire and him carrying me out of the house. His stupid cat he had tried to save. The piece of shit fan mom had left on started it all. I hated her for it.

I didn't even realize that Joy had gotten up but she was suddenly there with a box of tissue paper helping wipe my face off.

“It'll be okay,” Lacy said.

She was wrong, it wouldn't be okay. He was gone forever.

Gina rubbed my back and I let loose again.

Alyx had the same look on her face that she had when Sam went to the bathroom earlier. She crossed her arms and shook her head. “Great, you've got another one now Joy.”

My head shot up and I gave Alyx my best death stare. “My dad died,” I said.

“What, how?” she doubted.

When I didn't want to deal with the shit in my life I went to a place where I couldn't feel anything. My crying stopped and I became very still. “In the fire that burned my lungs.” It came out as a raspy growl.

Gasps came from several of the girls. Joy covered her face and scooted away from me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my tone or the way I worded it.

“Sorry…” Alyx whispered. Her posture changed from the defensive one she had most of the night to something softer.

Gina pulled back from her hug. “Is that why it's hard for you to breathe sometimes?”

I nodded.

Sam’s stare lingered on my hand. “You like wearing those clothes don’t you?”

Joy played with her fingernails and muttered, “Why do you like them?”

I appreciated them changing the subject. Took a shaky breath and said. “It’s gonna sound stupid.”

“I like stupid stuff.” Lacy said.

Gina reached across my lap and pinched Lacy. “Shut up Lacy!”

Lacy tried to grab Gina.

“Hey! Stop!” I said and pushed them apart. I was not going to be in the middle of a fight. My sisters fought the same way they were and it was really annoying.

They squinted and leaned back glaring at each other.

“Do you want to hear this or not?” I asked.

“Sorry!” they each said in way too cheery tone.

Gina and Lacy were so weird but they were nice to me so I quickly forgave them.

“Spit it out.” Alyx urged.

I squinted at her. “Fine. It’s because they fit.”

Sam nodded along with my words. She was the only one that probably knew what I was talking about.

“Like, when I was younger I could wear any clothes I wanted but now none of the guy clothes fit me anymore. I don't like that my body is going female but at least there's no complicated shit I need to do to wear these.” I tugged on the bottom of the skirt.

“It’s kind of relieving,” I added before anyone could say anything.

Lacy’s head titled. “So you don’t mind looking like a girl because the clothes fit?” Gina and her shared a look.

After hearing her repeat my words back to me it all sounded so stupid so I snapped my mouth shut.

“Do you care if we still call you Kennedi?” Gina asked.

Joy handed me another tissue. I accepted it and nodded at Gina. I wiped the tears away and blew my nose. Did it really matter what name they called me? Probably not. These girls seemed to do what they wanted either way.

Alyx leaned forward. “If you wear those you look like a girl. Doesn’t that bother you?” Her tone was soft.

“Yeah but—”

Alyx put her hand on my knee stopping my sentence. “You look like a girl,” she said in a firm voice.

“I know I look like a girl!” I yelled.

Joy’s eyes lit up and I checked behind me to make sure her mom or something wasn’t behind me. “Don’t yell that too loud my parents room is just down the hall.”

My heart beat wildly as I watched the door, waiting for it to open. When no one came in after at least a minute of watching the door I turned back around.

The girls were sitting there watching me. It made me shiver. “Don’t stare,” I said.

Most of them looked away but Alyx ignored me.

“You get tests done next week and what then?” Alyx asked.

I shrugged. “Another doctor's appointment?” I didn’t know what they could do or if they could help me.

“What do you look like down there?” Sam asked as she pointed to her crotch.

Joy cleared her throat. “He has boy parts and girl parts.”

“Can we see?” Alyx asked.

“No!” I yelled. It was okay when I was showing Joy when we were boyfriend and girlfriend but I was not going to be examined by them like some school science project.

Alyx squinted. “What about just me?”

“No!”

She looked away and stuck up her nose. “Fine, what-ever.” Her voice did the really annoying thing that valley girls do.

I rolled my eyes. “Does anyone else have any questions?” I hoped that their curiosity was finally satiated. Satiated? Where the heck did I learn that word?

Lacy raised her hand which for some reason made me laugh. She hesitated and then lowered her hand. Her face made me feel bad for her.

“Go ahead,” I said.

She shook her head.

“Lacy,” I said while trying to get her to look at me. “What was your question?”

She shrugged. “I just wanted to know if you wanted to dance some more.”

“Ooo, ooo but with music this time!” Gina added.

Joy leaned to the side and looked at something behind me. “We have to be quiet though or my parents will make us go to sleep.”

“I gues—”

“Like a girl, you want to dance like a girl?” Alyx said.

“Get off it Alyx!” Joy yelled.

Gina turned to Alyx. “You taught him the dance earlier didn’t you?”

“You didn’t see me laughing at him on the bed?” Alyx replied.

Lacy looked angry. “We weren’t looking at the bed.”

“C’mon you have to admit seeing a guy dancing like a girl is funny.” Alyx said.

Sam sat up or stopped slouching, I didn’t know which but she was suddenly taller. “God Alyx, why do you have to be such a bitch?”

Alyx had the nerve to look shocked. Then a sly smile spread across her face. “Why don't you dance Sam?”

Any composure Sam had dwindled away. She didn't respond and sat there staring at her hands.

“That was the first time I've ever danced,” I said.

Alyx snorted. “Duhh.”

"What's your fucking problem?” came out of Joy's mouth.

Alyx leaned in. “You want to know what my problem is?”

Joy sat still as a statue.

“All your reject little friends!” Alyx pointed at everyone in the group. “Always crying and whining. It's so damned annoying!”

There was an uncomfortable pall in the air. A feeling as if your parents had argued in front of you. It was even stranger for me because I barely knew these girls. At that moment I was ready to face my fear of heights and get the hell out of there.

Joy unfroze. “I care about these girls, Alyx.” It was a whisper yet blazed in my ears.

“Why? You're so fucking pretty. You don't need to hang out with these ugly bitches!” Alyx said as she stood up.

Sam came out of nowhere and grabbed Alyx by the back of her nightgown. She drug her across the room like a child.

“Walker's even prettier than you are!” were her last words as she was shoved through the door. Sam closed it in her face and then locked it.

***
It was quiet for a long time before Joy got up. We all looked at each other.

Alyx's last words still echoed in my head. Who was she saying I was prettier than? Joy? I wasn't sure. I eventually decided that Alyx had to be trying to piss her off. Or me, I wasn't sure.

“I'm going to talk to her.” Joy said and then dashed out of the room.

Lacy had tears streaming down her face. While Gina put her head between her legs.

Sam stood there staring at the door. I wondered what was running through her mind.

“Why didn't she say how she really felt?” I said, trying to make light of the situation.

Everyone's eyes were suddenly on me but no one said anything. They didn't even crack a smile.

Leaving was sounding like it was going to be an inevitability. I definitely didn't feel like dancing again especially for Alyx's enjoyment. In fact if I didn't see Alyx again it would probably be a blessing.

I turned to Sam. “Can you help me get this makeup off, Sam?”

“What?” she said as she turned around.

I gestured at my face. “Can you help me get this makeup off?”

She glanced at me and then turned back to the door. I wasn't sure if she actually processed what I asked her.

“Sam?” I asked but she didn't respond.

Lacy stood up and wiped her eyes. “I can help you.”

She offered me a hand and I accepted.

We went over to the vanity and she began wiping my face off with the gross smelling wipes that Sam had used earlier.

When she finished I checked myself in the mirror. It all looked gone but my face still felt weird.

“If you wash your face with soap it'll feel better,” Sam said from across the room.

So she was paying attention to me.

The bathroom was open so I headed in there and did my best to wash whatever crud was on there, off.

As I walked out of the bathroom Gina was standing right outside. “You're leaving aren't you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

I took inventory of my belongings and gathered them together. As I was stripping the girls clothes off Joy walked back in.

Sam's whole body seemed to relax.

“She's going home,” Joy announced. She then proceeded to grab Alyx's bag and walk back out the door.

I was having problems removing the bra and without a word Lacy helped me take it off. “Can you help me with my binder too?”

She nodded and I wrapped it around my chest. She zipped it up and then she grabbed me around the waist.

Soon enough Gina joined her. These two girls didn't deserve the crap that Alyx had thrown at them. Sam either. I couldn't help but be pissed off. Before I knew it my eyes were leaking.

“Maybe we can do this again without Alyx or Joy?” I asked. Shure Alyx was the bitch of the minute but Joy was even worse. I couldn't believe she would invite me to a sleepover like this. You didn't do that to your boyfriend.

I could feel them both nod.

Sam was looking at us. “You too,” I said.

She smiled at me.

Those girls had had a profound effect on me in only a single night. Alyx was wrong about them. They were both pretty in their own way.

Sam was also pretty. It wasn't like she wasn't well proportioned. She was just really tall.

I exhaled and the girls let go of me. I still had the skirt on so I took that off and took my things to the bathroom and closed the door.

***
It was strange being back in my boy clothes. I felt somehow different. As if a part of me yearned for something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

As I walked out of the bathroom all eyes were on me.

Joy hadn't returned yet.

“Can I use the phone again?” I asked.

Sam nodded at me.

When I sat down on the bed and picked up the phone Joy walked in.

She stared at me for a moment. “You're leaving too?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

We gazed at each other for a long time and then the phone started beeping. I hung it up. “Can we talk before I go?” I didn't believe Joy's previous answer about why she invited me to her slumber party.

She looked down and then shrugged.

I gestured at the bathroom and she turned and walked that way. I smiled at the three girls watching me and then followed Joy into the bathroom.

***
I closed the door and Joy sat on the side of the bathtub. It was the furthest away she could get from me. Unless she decided to sit in the tub like I did earlier.

I leaned against the counter. “Why did you really invite me here?”

“I told you, I thought it would be f—”

“You’re lying!” I yelled.

She wrung her hands and looked away.

“What are you hiding!” I demanded.

Joy looked at me. “I knew about you.”

“Knew what?” I asked.

She stood up and I backed away. “About,” she gestured at my body. “You being…” she paused for a moment. “Intersex.”

“What, how?” I screamed.

She reached toward me and I moved away. “My Aunt is your doctor,” she said.

“That's breaking Dr-patient confidentiality!” I yelled. I couldn't believe what she was saying.

Joy stepped closer. “It's not my fault.”

“What do you mean it’s not your fault?” I asked.

Joy glanced down at her outreached hand and then back at me. “I didn’t ask about you, she was talking to my mom about it and I overheard.”
If she was telling the truth she was right, it wasn't her fault. Well, she was right that she didn't ask for the information. Still, I wondered…

“How did you know it was me she was talking about?” I asked.

Joy's hand relaxed a little and fell to her side. “She said her patient's last name was Walker.” She closed in on me and I stood still. “When she said your name I knew it was you.”

“H-how?” I stammered.

She took one of my hands. “When you tuck your hair behind your ears you look like a girl.”

My hair wasn’t in my face so I immediately went to untuck it but it wasn't tucked. Whatever little pin they had used to put it up was still holding it in place. I pulled it out letting the hair fall in front of my eyes.

“So you invited me over as some sick joke?” I threw off her hand and grabbed the door handle.

Before I could open it Joy put her body between the door and me.

I let go of the handle and moved away from her. “You and Alyx deserve ea—”

“Don't!” she screeched.

I stomped a foot. “Why not? It's true! I would never do that to someone!”

“I thought ma-maybe. I could sneak you in and I could have my boyfriend stay the night whenever I wanted.” she said.

Which, when she said it, sounded like a good idea. But it would have never worked especially with how strict my mom was about knowing where I was all the time. That and she apparently didn’t want to date someone who looks like a girl.

I shook my head. “Do you even know what I had to do to be here?”

“Wha—”

“I had to bribe like all of my friends to lie for me. My parents think I'm at my friends house playing D&D.”

She pushed her back to the door. “I thought your dad die—”

“I have a Step-father.”

“Oh.”

The whole situation was so messed up. She had meant well but I couldn't believe she didn't ask me first.

I pulled the toilet lid down and sat on it. “What exactly did your Aunt say?”

“Just that she was seeing a boy that looked like a girl.” she put her hands flat against the door.

I took a deep breath. “And my name?”

“She said, ‘I wouldn't want to be one of the Walker's.’”

That stung. “She could get in big trouble if I told on her.” I said.

Suddenly Joy pushed away from the door and grabbed my hand again. “Please don't!”

If I did decide to tell anyone I would probably have to tell them about this night which was something I wasn't willing to do. On the other hand I at least had something over Joy.

“Make sure Alyx and the other girls don't talk about tonight?” I made it sound like a request rather than a demand.

She nodded at me. Her hand lingered on mine before she let go.

There was still a problem I was worried about. I looked down at my hand. “Can you…”

“What?”

I closed my hand into a fist. “My friends… wait.” I stood up. “If I tell my friends that we broke up they’ll wonder why I was still here all night.”

“What do you want me to do?” She asked.

“Can I still call you my girlfriend at least for a little while?”

She looked away. “I gues—”

A muffled “Joy?” came from behind the door. “Is everything okay in there?” It sounded like her mother.

Shit.

***