Chapter 13 Reflections

I trailed behind Joy as she walked us back to the table. Everyone except Jesse was there. Believe me, I was happy about that, but there was still a part of me that wanted to see him. I shoved those feelings down.

Besides, there were enough things on my metaphorical plate right now and I didn't need some guy following me like a lost puppy.

Joy and I sat down. Everyone had set aside a spot next to her for me. They also moved my food next to hers.

The only thing that was missing was the milk carton. I wasn't sure if I had left it on that table Jesse and I sat at or what.

A familiar twinge and pressure had built up in my private area causing me to stand up. I hadn't actually gone pee since before I went to Joy's house. We were just in the restroom which made me feel even more awkward.

Joy looked up at me.

I leaned over and whispered, “I forgot to go pee.”

She spread her hands out and turned them up. The look she gave me made me feel like an idiot. She didn't need to give me that look I already felt that way.

Joy glanced at her friends and got up. Lacy, Gina, and Sam all stood with her.

“We're going back to the restroom.” Joy explained to her parents.

As if Joy's dad were mocking her he made the same gesture Joy had. “Didn't you just come back from there?”

“Yeah, someone.” Joy's eyes moved toward me, then back at her dad. “Forgot to actually use it though.”

Mark leaned back. “How do yo—”

Heather put a hand over his shoulder and he shut up. It was sort of funny seeing him be held back like he had done to Heather earlier.

As we were leaving I got a quick glance at everyone's plates. Mine was pretty far from Joy's parents, which I was thankful for. However, it was the only dish filled with food. The others looked like they were already halfway gone. I hoped that at least someone was going to get seconds so I wasn’t the last one eating. Besides, I wanted dessert. Jesse and I skipped that section in our rush to safety.

Joy paused just before we entered the restroom and I ran into her back.

I was able to stop so I didn’t fall down but had to grab my chest because it hurt.

“Don’t grab those.” Joy said when she turned around.

My arms dropped but it didn’t stop the pain.

“Okay, when you go in there, do not stand while going pee,” she said.

“No shit!” I snapped. I hadn’t actually thought of that but I was angry from the pain. I rubbed my chest anyway.

Joy's face twisted. “I'm just trying to help you!”

I didn't respond but I did stop rubbing. Why do these things always hurt so bad? The flesh-on-flesh bump from Joy wasn’t half as bad as when I hit my chest on a door jam or literally anything solid.

“Okay, let's go. The faster she gets done the faster we get back to the table.” Sam said.

Sam's logic was sound but Joy looked like she would rather chew me out longer. When Sam started walking, I followed her.

My bladder felt like it was going to explode. Besides, Joy could yell at me later.

This trip to the bathroom wasn't as interesting as the last one. The only tricky part was deciding if I should lift the skirt or pull it down. Out of laziness’ sake, I pulled it up because I didn't want to deal with a zipper. The purse I set on top of the toilet paper dispenser.

The girls' restroom smelled better than the guys. Women tended to wear perfume and sometimes it lingered. It took me a while but I eventually relaxed enough to let loose. I finished as fast as I could and was washing my hands in no time.

The Misfits were whispering to each other the whole time I was there. I wasn't all that interested in what they were saying.

As I was drying my hands I said, “Ready.”

“Lacy had to go too.” Joy said.

I wanted to get out of there so it wasn’t a surprise that I hadn’t noticed she wasn’t there.

Gina came over to me and put an arm through mine. “So, how is it?”

“How's what?” I asked.

She slapped my arm. “Duh. The girl’s bathroom!”

“Uhh,” I said and ducked. Lacy's shoes were the only ones in sight. “It's pretty much the same.” I stood. “There aren’t any urinals. It smells a lot better in here though.”

“Try not to bend over like that.” Joy said. “I just saw your underwear.”

I pulled the skirt down a little.

“No, it doesn't go like that.” Joy said as she came over to me and fixed it. “Wait.” She checked me over. “Where’s your purse?

Gina let go and I rushed into the stall. It was where I had left it. “Sorry, I’m not used to carrying anything,” I said as I came out.

“Just think of it like it’s your backpack,” Sam suggested.

I leaned on the stall. “That’s not a good idea.”

“Why?” Gina asked.

My body stiffened. “I lost like three backpacks last year.”

“How do yo—”

“Assholes at school.” I interrupted Sam.

An old woman walked into the bathroom and I skittered to the sink. She ended up going into a stall but she watched me as she went.

With so many people staring at me I was beginning to feel exposed. I needed to be close to Joy so I stood next to her. She didn’t react but she did turn around and look at herself in the mirror.

“Are you guys having seconds?” I asked.

Gina shook her head. “I’m not. I might not be able to finish what I have.” She did have a slice of pizza with me last night.

“I’m not,” Sam said.

Joy leaned in close to the mirror and checked her makeup. Her lipstick was mostly gone.

“Joy?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I might get some dessert.”

“Ooo cheesecake,” Sam said.

I wasn’t a stranger to seeing someone longing for something. My friends would stare at girls with the same look Sam had. If she did that too long I was afraid she might start drooling.

When I checked on Joy she wasn’t even attempting to fix her face. “Are you…”

“What?” she asked while looking at my reflection.

It looked weird with half of it gone from her lips. “Gonna fix your makeup?”

“After I’m done eating,” She said.

The makeup would probably come off again while she ate so it made sense to go after eating. “Oh,” I said. Then I realized that I was probably going to have to come back in here with them.

Shit.

What was really worrying me was that this girl stuff was making a lot more sense the more I learned about it. I didn’t want to make sense of all of this stuff. I just wanted to go back to my friend's house and play D&D.

Well, that or kiss Joy some more. I had an urge to grab her and pull her against me. It wasn’t too hard to resist. Instead, I scooted closer to her so our hips touched.

Her eyes opened wide for a moment and then she met my gaze.

When I smiled she turned around and faced me. I waited for a beat and then ran a finger down her arm.

She jumped when one of the stall doors opened.

It was only Lacy.

Sam was staring at me. Her emotions were hidden. If I knew her better I might have known what she was thinking.

Joy had turned around to see who it was. When she realized that it was Lacy she visually relaxed.

I was still close to Joy and I had to close my eyes, otherwise, I didn’t know what I was going to do. There was good news, my desire to touch her meant I was attracted to her, which was relieving. If I was indeed attracted to girls I didn't need to think about Jesse again. At least, that's the mental gymnastics I sold myself.

Lacy finished and we all migrated back into the restaurant.

Joy was avoiding eye contact which I thought was probably for the best. If not best then the most trouble-free approach.

When I saw Heather and Mark I remembered the whole situation I was in all over again. My stomach suddenly felt queasy.

We all sat down.

That ham Jesse had added to my plate sat there like some beacon telling me to run away. I had a couple of bucks in my wallet and could call Vic and them to pick me up. I highly doubted they would though. I would need more gas money for that.

Besides, explaining my situation to the guys would completely screw over my reputation. What little of one I had.

I put a napkin over the ham and stabbed a sausage and sampled it. It was cold but its flavor was still delightful.

“Thanks for taking me,” I said. It never hurt to be nice.

Mark set down his fork. “We’re glad to have you.”

“It's a shame Alyx had to leave so suddenly last night. She loves this place,” Heather said.

Joy and the Misfits stopped eating for a moment and shared a look.

It seems that Joy hadn’t told her mom about why Alyx left which spoke volumes about how much she told her parents. I took another bite of sausage just to avoid the awkwardness of the situation.

“Kennedi, what's really going on with you?” Heather asked.

Joy turned. “Mom!”

Heather gave her a disapproving look. “I just want to know what's going on in case she passes out again.”

“M-my…” I cleared my throat. “My lungs were damaged in a fire when I was young.”

It was like I had hit the pause button and Joy's parents stopped.

Heather covered her mouth with her hand. “I'm so sorry.”

Mark wiped his face with his napkin. “I wish I had known. The smelling salts I used aren't very good for your lungs.”

That may have been why I was having a harder time breathing than normal.

“I a-also have social anxiety,” I lied. I'd read about it in a pamphlet at the doctor's office. I didn't usually have any problems going anywhere with my friends but I needed some excuse for why I was acting so weird.

Heather looked shocked. “But you're so pretty, I'm sure everyone likes you.”

If only.

No one responded to Heather's remarks. I wondered how being good-looking would affect others' opinions though. This weekend was the first time anyone had complimented me on my looks, which was weird in itself.

Either way, the tension at the table seemed to die down.

My pancakes needed syrup and luckily I wasn't the only one who'd had them. I grabbed the glass bottle and poured some on. They were no longer hot so putting butter on them would have been gross.

Mark stood up. “Going to grab some more.” When no one else joined him he said, “Be right back.” and walked off.

It was finally quiet enough for me to focus on eating. I salt and peppered my eggs and then remembered that eggs on toast fantasy. Going back to the buffet seemed like a bad idea so I tried putting them on top of my pancakes instead.

They were bad. The soft textures were too similar and the mix of salty and sweet didn’t work for me. I’d resigned to never put maple syrup on eggs again.

Once I scraped off the eggs I devoured the pancakes. My bites were big and when I shoved the cuts into my mouth I got looks from everyone. They weren’t nice looks so I made my pieces smaller. My mom and dad never complained about how I ate but based on this feedback I would have to be careful.

Joy’s dad got back with a new plate of food. I hadn’t seen how much he had on his original plate but this one was pretty full.

My pancakes went quick and the eggs mocked me. Instead of letting them disappoint me, I ate one of my sausages. When I finished my last sausage I didn’t know what to do because I was still hungry.

Getting up to get food again was out of the question. I moved my napkin and stared at the ham on my plate. Its color —a brownish pink— was offputting. Then my stomach grumbled. I’d never had this type of meat before and—

“You gonna eat that or just stare at it?” Mark asked.

I shrugged and slumped in my seat. “I’ve never had it before.”

“Then why’d you get it?” Joy asked.

“Someone suggested I try it.”

Heather eyed me. “Sit up honey, it's bad for your posture.

More than ever I wanted to be at home lounging in my room playing a MUD. Torture came in many forms. Like that time my sister would sit on me and poke my chest over and over while saying, “Poke-um-sally.” Being tapped in girls' clothes was getting dangerously close to being the worst torture of all.

Making Joy's mom angry wasn't an avenue I wanted to explore so I sat up.

Fuck it. I sliced a sliver of the ham off and scooped it into my mouth. A tangy sweet and savory flavor spread across my tongue with each bite. It was amazing. Before I knew it, it was gone.

“You like that don’t you?” Joy asked.

When I finished chewing I said, “Yeah…”

There was a pall of silence and I was stuck staring at my maple-drenched eggs. My appetite was not satiated and those eggs —gross as they were— were looking better by the minute. I didn’t want people to notice my despair so I ate them. Most people have a gag reflex when they see or smell something gross. Fortunately, I didn’t suffer from that ailment.

Even when my sisters were sick I didn’t gag when they threw up. I didn’t get sick all that often either. The only thing that would make me gag was when I would brush too far back on my tongue while cleaning it.

“So what are your plans for the day ladies?” Heather asked.

She looked directly at me but Joy answered, “Homework.”

“I wanted to stay at your house for a bit longer,” Gina said to Joy.

Joy nodded.

Sam leaned back. “I wanted to stay too.”

“I don’t have any plans,” Lacy said.

“Kennedi?” Heather said.

I shrugged. Get the hell out of these clothes and escape to my friend’s house. “No plans,” I lied.

“Hmm.” Heather's head leaned to one side. “Well, I was thinking of dropping by the Plaza bef—”

Several screeches emanated from the girls at the table. Joy was one of them. Weirdly Gina was the only one who was quiet.

Shit.

Gina put up a hand like she was at school and the other girls stopped. “The Plaza here or at home?”

“Here,” Heather answered.

It took about three seconds and all of the girls were ecstatic, even Sam.

To be honest I didn’t understand why they were so excited. I’d never been to the malls here in Anaheim, though the one at home was nice.

Mark was remarkably quiet but Heather noticed my unexcited demeanor.

“Do you want to go too?” Heather asked.

Before I said anything I took a quick look at the girls for help. All I received were begging eyes. They wanted to go, bad. It seemed as if the mall was going to be yet another obstacle to bypass before making it to Rich's house.

Fuck.

I focused on Joy and her eyes were the same as the other girls. I was hoping that she would somehow be on my side. Even if I did go, I couldn’t buy anything, unless I found something at a bookstore. My outlook changed slightly. “Sure.”

Joy grabbed my hand and smiled. The squeals of content from the girls made me grin. I noticed a few of the people at the other tables staring at us and I became self-conscious. Why did I agree to this?

When I felt a squeeze from Joy it distracted me enough to pull me out of my state of unrest. “You gonna be okay at a mall?” She asked.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when she asked the question and then I remembered that I told her parents that I had anxiety. “I’ll try.” There were knots forming at the pit of my stomach and that's when I knew that I wouldn’t be eating anything else.

That was okay though because nearly everyone was finished. Mark was the only one who had food left on his plate.

Heather stood up and all the Misfits joined her. I didn't know what was happening.

Joy said, “Come on.” and tugged on my hand.

Oh no, not again.

It was apparently time to have a group meeting in the bathroom again because that's where we went. I barely remembered to grab the purse in my lap.

When I realized that Joy didn't release my hand I let go. I'd seen girls holding hands before but wasn't sure what the protocols were.

Luckily Heather was in front of us. When we got to the bathroom she went directly into a stall, while the rest of us gathered around the mirror.

Being in the girl’s bathroom with Joy's mother had me shaken up. Before I had a chance to panic, Joy handed me her lipstick and motioned for me to put it on.

I froze. Doing this of my own volition made things different somehow. When the girls put makeup on me I could deny being a willing recipient. But now, I had to do it myself. It didn't feel wrong so much as I was violating some guy law. Guys didn't wear makeup.

Goth guys do. I told myself. That settled it and suddenly my brain was able to make a connection. I wasn't the first guy to do it and those guys while they were made fun of by some people never really got beat up for it. I'd even seen one of them wear a skirt to school once.

My hands were shaking as I pulled the cap off. The lipstick was deep in the tube. Joy motioned for me to twist it. The bottom of it turned and the waxy substance rose up. It made me think of a Push Pop for some reason. It didn't taste like one that's for sure.

I closed in on the mirror and watched the girl raise her hand to her face. I was as careful as I could be while applying it. When I turned to Joy she examined my lips and nodded.

Right then Heather came out of the stall and I almost dropped the cylinder. I spun the bottom and put the cap back on.

With Heather there, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hand the makeup back to Joy or not. Instead, I opened up my purse and put it in there. Not like Joy wasn't going to get it back.

Sam swapped places with Heather and went into a stall. Joy must have had more than one lipstick in her bag because she was touching herself up.

It was so quiet. I watched the girls do their thing. It was odd being in here with them. When I checked the mirror I got a look at them and me together. If I had met Joy dressed like this she would have never believed I was male.

Am I male? I thought as I closed in on the mirror. I certainly didn't look male. What makes someone a boy or a gir—

Heather broke the silence. “Which stores would you like to visit?”

“Mervyns?” Joy asked.

Gina squealed while hopping up and down. “I just want to see all the new stuff!”

“New stuff?” I said.

Lacy was super close to the mirror applying something to her eyes. “They rebuilt the mall a couple of years ago,” she said.

For this being the third time I was in the girl’s restroom in a single day, I felt relatively relaxed. Of course, the feeling was ripped away when a woman I didn't know entered the room. I had to dig my fingernails into my palm so I didn't jump out of my skin.

“That boy was nice,” Heather mentioned. “He seemed to really like you, Kennedi.”

My heartbeat quickened. “Wha-what did he say?” I asked.

“He said how happy he was to help you,” Heather said.

Gina finished with her face and turned to me. “He wanted your number.”

I tried to read Gina's face but there wasn't a hint of amusement in it. In fact, she looked as if she were sorry for me. It made me feel a little better.

“Joy, you need a nice boy like that,” Heather said while fiddling with her eyebrows. “He said he is going to try and drop by before we leave.”

Joy's whole body stiffened.

Please no, please no, please no. I chanted in my head. Jesse's very presence disrupted my brain’s normal functions. Everything he did was so random and I didn't know what to expect.

Sam finished and cleared away from the mirror. I decided to join her because I didn't want to be anywhere near Heather.

A few more girls came in and filled up the stalls. When even more showed up and a line started to form I didn't know what to think. The was never a line in any of the boy’s bathrooms.

Sam elbowed me and I looked up at her. She smiled.

I wasn't sure what she was trying to say but she seemed happy so I gave her a grin. The insanity of the situation dawned on me. I couldn't help but be amused.

The interaction with Sam made me wonder why she was so excited about going to the mall. She couldn't get any of the clothes. Then I remembered the truth or dare game we'd played. She liked books too.

“I hope they have a bookstore,” I said.

Sam turned, her eyebrows raised. “What type of books do you like?”

“Fantasy and Sci-Fi,” I said.

She looked at me as if I'd made some bad life decisions. At least that's how it made me feel.

I did get a glance from Heather but I was unable to read her face.

Everyone finished eventually and with the way some of the girls glanced at me I felt I should stop the whole book angle.

We made it back to the table and Mark was there with an empty plate. I was impressed, he'd had a lot on there. My friend Nick ate similarly. It was like they were born to be in the army or something.

Nick was probably the least nerdy of our group. If Vic and he hadn't been such good friends, he probably wouldn't hang out with us. I had to admit that their friendship would sometimes make me jealous and it made things weird.

It reminded me that I had missed most of the DND tournament they were throwing. Vic had said that they didn't get very far in so there was the possibility that I didn't miss that much. Still, the longer I was dressed as a girl the more of it I missed.

“Who wants dessert?” Mark asked.

I was still hungry but the less time we spent here the greater chance I wouldn't run into Jesse again.

Joy had a look on her face that I'd seen on my sister's several times. It said that her father had made some grave error somewhere along the way.

Then I remembered the reason we made a trip to the bathroom. His mistake was glaringly obvious in a way I never understood before today.

This shits getting too weird. I thought.

When none of us sat down Mark either got it or he didn’t want to make the girls further disappointed because he joined us.

Heather and Mark led us through the restaurant and I could swear I heard one of the staff say Jesse's name.

I didn't care honestly because we had just walked out.

Then, as as we made it to the van Jesse came running out of the Golden Corral screaming my name.

***