Chapter 6 Fractured

My knuckles rapped against the wood. “Joy?” I asked.

No answer.

“What happened?” Lacy said. She was still over by the mirror with Gina.

Gina shrugged.

I knocked again. “You didn’t see how she looked at me?”

The door opened. It was Sam. “She needs time to think, Walker.”

I tried to look past her but Sam was too big. “I’m sorry Joy!” I yelled. “I’ll take all this junk off.” I pulled part of the top I was wearing out from my skirt.

Sam grabbed my wrist. “Just wait okay. I’ll talk to her.” She let go of me and then closed the door.

My whole body was frozen. I stared at the spot where Sam was. A part of me wanted to put my ear to the door so I could listen.

“Kennedi?” someone asked. They seemed so far away. Everything seemed far away.

I'd never had a relationship last this long and I didn’t want to screw it up. How can I fix thi—

“Comere.” they said again and dragged me to the bed.

A hand appeared in front of my eyes and snapped. It was only an annoyance so I pushed it away. I kept my eyes on the door. Someone stepped in front of me. What the hel—

Lacy shook my shoulders. “Earth to Walker!”

I sneered at her. “Leave me alone!”

“Don't look at me like that!” she pushed me and I fell backward onto the bed.

Part of me wanted to give up but another part wanted to watch for Joy. If we broke up it wouldn’t be the first time I’d lost a girlfriend. This couldn’t end worse than Missy Harkins and my breakup last year. The details of which I didn’t want to think about.

My mind shifted to Lacy and Gina and what we were doing moments before Joy interrupted us. Was I really dancing like a girl, in a skirt? The experience was so new and so unexpectedly… enjoyable. Am I gay? I pushed the thought out of my head. Being gay was social suicide.

You didn’t like it. I lied to myself. You’re a boy.

I looked at my chest and the low-cut top I was wearing. Tell that to them. The whole situation was so shitty. Why can’t I just have a normal birthday? Mom didn’t really like celebrating birthdays but I always saw the big celebrations in movies. It always made me so jealous.

The girls were staring at me as I curled up.

Alyx pushed me on my side. “Your panties were showing.”

My panties. I felt as if I should be grossed out but instead felt nothing at all. Do clothes even matter?

I knew the answer. They did. Especially if I wanted any sort of relationship with my friends. Vic was cool and would probably blow it off if he ever saw me dressed as I was. Steve probably wouldn’t care. He was always making sure we were having fun and being nice to each other.
Johnny was new to our friend group and I didn’t know much about him. Nick was an old friend but he could be an ass sometimes.

The person I was really worried about was Rich. He was a clean freak like his parents who also happened to be really religious.

I wondered what they were doing, then I remembered the tournament, sat up, and let my legs dangle off the bed.

“Can I use the phone?” I asked Alyx.

She shrugged and pointed at the phone on Joy’s nightstand.

As I was getting up Lacy screeched, “Don’t call a ride!”

“You’re fun,” Gina said.

Weirdly they made me feel a bit better. “I’m just gonna check in on my friends.” In reality, I just wanted to see how the game was going and distract myself.

I rushed over to the phone and dialed Rich's number.

“Newman residence.” It was Rich's mom.

“Hey Mrs. Newman, is Vic there?”

There was a pause.

“One minute.” I heard the phone being set on the counter. “Vic, there's some girl on the phone for you.”

Am I still using that stupid voice? It was weird how easy it was to just fall into.

The phone scratched and a bewildered Vic asked, “Hello?”

I cleared my throat. “Heyyy?” I drew out.

“Oh, it's you, what the?” Vic said.

“How's the game going?” I asked.

“Who is it?” someone on the other side of the phone asked.

Vic said, “It's Walker.”

“Ha! Your mom called him a girl!” someone said.

Has to be Nick. I thought.

“Vic?”

“What's up? Something go wrong? Need a ride?”

If only he knew just how much had gone horribly wrong. “Nope, just seeing how the games going?”

Vic whispered, “Alone with a girl and you call us?”

“She's in the bathroom dude. You know how long girls take in the bathroom.”

The bed shifted behind me. I turned to look and all three girls were squinting at me. Alyx had crossed her arms.

Shit. Flashbacks of my sisters punching me repeatedly entered my brain. I mouthed, “Sorry,” while shrugging.

“I showed Nick that he shouldn’t mess with an experienced adventurer,” Vic said.

Alyx looked away while Gina and Lacy continued their glares. “Y-you what?” I said, more than a little paranoid.

Pause.

“Did she come back?” he asked.

I turned. If I couldn’t see them they couldn’t hurt me right? “No, I’m good. I missed what you said.”

“I kicked Nick’s ass.”

“Oh.” I grinned. Nick refused to play D&D with us and we had finally convinced him to give it a try last week. I hated that I was missing it, which made staying with the girls even harder. “How far did everyone get?” I asked.

“Not too far. We haven’t even found the vamps yet,” he said.

They were playing a classic campaign where the castle shifted every game. It made everything more interesting.

“Think you guys will finish tonight?”

“Dunno,” he said.

“Still picking me up tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

I fiddled with the skirt I was wearing. “About tha—”

“It's so weird,” Gina said.

I turned and put my finger to my mouth.

“Is that her?” Vic asked.

“Shit, uhh,” I didn’t know what to do. “yeah, I gotta go,” I said.

“Kay, talk to you tomorrow.”

“See ya,” I said and hung up the phone. My hand lingered there for a moment. It was nice hearing my friends' voices. They even calmed me down a little.

“What's weird?” Lacy asked.

“His voice,” Gina said.

I relinquished my hold and faced the girls. Alyx still looked perturbed. “What about my voice?”

“Like, when you were talking to your friend. Your voice got all deep. It was weird seeing you talk like that while dressed like that.”

“Bu—” The bathroom door squeaked open. “I can't talk like a girl,” I said.

Joy stepped out of the bathroom and said in a flat voice, “You fooled my mom.”

I put my hands up. “I was just doing what you guys said!”

Joy pressed her lips together. Sam came out of the bathroom and stood next to her. They glanced at each other and then back at me.
I lifted the skirt a little. “I can take all of this off, Joy. I didn’t wan—”

“Yeah, you did!” Joy said.

She was right, I did want to try on more clothes. I kept my mouth shut. This didn’t seem like it was going to end well.

Sam turned to me. “Will you come and talk with us in the bathroom?”

My head nodded but I was having trouble making my body move to get up. It eventually gave way and I moped my way through the two girls and entered the bathroom.

***
Sam closed the door and locked it. She sat down on the toilet.

I stepped into the bathtub but faced the girls. Joy was standing by the sink.

“I’m sorry,” I said. It usually worked with my family to apologize any time they were angry at me. Well, it worked with Hailey but my older sister Alice was much more unpredictable. Mom tended to have a soft spot for Hailey and I tried to treat her nice. It had scored me points with mom multiple times.

Alice was supposed to move out this year. It was going to be weird with just the three of us.

Joy sighed. “Walker.”

I looked her in her eyes. We’d only kissed a few times and I was already going to miss it. “I know,” I said.

“I can’t date a girl,” Joy said.

“I’m not a—” I stopped myself and watched the breasts on my chest heave up and down as I breathed. Tears threatened to break free from my eyes.

Joy quickly grabbed a wad of toilet paper and handed it to me.

When I pushed it against my eye black stuff was on it.

“Dab, it,” Sam said.

I found an edge and did the other eye. Much less makeup came off.

“Can we still be friends?” Joy asked.

“Y-yeah.” My voice came out shaky. I was handling this well, which surprised me. It was probably because she wasn’t yelling at me like Missy had. She broke up with me in front of my friends. Crying in front of them was really embarrassing. Nick had called me a girl that day which had pissed me off.

Joy joined me in the bathtub, put an arm around me, and leaned her head on my shoulder.

“World’s worst birthday,” I said.

Joy squeezed me tight and then let go. She scooted over a little, putting some space between us. Tears were in her eyes as well.

I offered her the TP wad.

She took it and wiped her eyes, she didn’t have makeup on so there were no smudges. “If you want to go home I can sneak you out.”

That was a good question. Should I go home? I could probably jump into the tournament with the guys. Even though Joy and I just broke up I still didn’t want her to get into trouble.

Music came on in the bedroom behind the door. It made me think of Gina and Lacy and the fun we'd had dancing. “Do you guys want me to go home?” I asked. If they didn't want me here I had no reason to stay. Well, one reason but I could always raid my Alice's stash of old clothes to do a little exploring on my own. They were for Hailey but she still had, like, a year or two till she fit in them.

“I want you to stay,” Sam said.

I looked at Joy.

She shrugged. “Is just, I thought I finally found a guy that was super nice and… and…”

Sam snorted. “She's totally got a thing for Kurt Cobain.”

They kept talking as if I weren't a guy which was making me angry. “I am a guy you know.”

Joy shot me this sympathetic look.

“No, really, look,” I said as I got up and jumped out of the tub. I nearly fell but caught my balance and rushed out the bathroom door.
Gina and Lacy were dancing again. Alyx was actually with them. Ace of Base was on the radio talking about how she wanted a baby.
I ignored the girls and scanned the room for my pants. They were next to the bed so I grabbed them and rushed back into the bathroom.
After I closed the door I dug into my pants pocket and pulled out a pill. “See,” I said.

Joy got up and I handed the pill to her.

She examined it and then gestured at my hips and chest. “Yeah, this totally makes you a boy…”

It took me a second to process her insult or doubt or whatever it was she was trying to convey. “No, it’s testosterone.”

Her eyes opened wide. “Really? How long have you been taking these?”

“Like three weeks,” I said.

Sam reached out. “Let me see.”

Joy handed it to her. “Why don’t you have it in a baggy?”

Sam spun the pill around inspecting it.

I waited for a reaction from Sam. “I dunno,” I said.

“What's it supposed to do?” asked Sam?

“Put hair on my chest?” I said. The Dr. talked about a lot of things the pill could do but for some reason, I couldn't think of them.

“Do you even want hair on your chest?” Joy asked.

I looked down at my chest and felt nothing so I struggled.

“Have you ever even thought about it?” Sam asked.

“What do you mean?”

Sam pointed at my breasts. “Have you ever, like, imagined hair on your chest?”

My eyes followed the direction she was gesturing toward. It was pretty much hairless on there except for the tiny ones that were all over my body.

I stared for a while trying to imagine dark hair growing all over the area. It wasn't exactly a pleasant thought but I didn't like hair in general.

“Boys have hair all over,” Joy said.

Sam's face scrunched up. “My uncle has all kinds of hair on his back and he bent over. It was even all over his butt.”

“Grody!” Joy said.

My whole body shuttered. “Gross,” I muttered.

Sam handed the pill back to me and I stared at it for a moment. Most of my friends weren’t really hairy except maybe Johnny. I only knew that because he went swimming with us at Rich’s house. I of course had to wear like two shirts to make sure no one saw my binder.

My dad wasn’t really hairy, except for his arms. I used to play with it while we watched “Full House” together. He and I were really close before the—

The pain of his loss pulled at my heart breaking my thoughts. I clenched my jaw and shoved the pill in my pants pocket.

Joy put a hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

I looked away and felt anger flood my system. When I started shaking Joy removed her hand and backed up.

Sam pushed Joy behind her and said, “Why are you so angry?”

Suddenly I felt trapped in such a small bathroom. My breathing increased so I opened the door and rushed over to the window I’d came in through. It opened easily and I stuck my head in it. The cool February air seemed to help my nerves and breathing.

Why the hell did she leave the fan on? I hated her for it.

When my senses finally caught up to my brain I realized where I was and jumped back. My fear of heights kicked in. One thing after another was freaking me out. I went over to Joy’s bed and sat down doing best to catch my breath. My breathing was yet another reminder of the worst night of my life.

Joy and Sam were staring at me with confused looks on their faces. Then joy suddenly rubbed her arms, turned around, and closed the window.

Sam strode over and sat next to me. “I don't understand what just happened. Are you mad at us?”

I shook my head and stayed silent, saving the precious air for my lungs. I was confused for a moment as to why I had pants in my hand and dropped them.

Lacy, Gina, Alyx were staring at me completely ignoring the music. After having seen them dancing moments ago the fact that they were no longer doing it made me feel bad.

My body eventually caught up to my labored breathing and I finally had the chance to relax.

Alyx walked over to Joy and whispered something to her.

Joy nodded to her. I wondered if they were talking about me.

Lacy rushed over to Joy's stereo and turned the music down while Gina walked over and sat at the foot of the bed in front of me. Lacy joined her.

“Are you okay?” Gina asked.

I nodded.

Lacy picked at her fingernails. “What happened?”

“They broke up,” Sam replied.

She said it so casually. I couldn't have said it like that. At least not for a few weeks.

Joy was the first girlfriend that I ever told about my condition. Based on how tonight went I probably wasn't going to tell the next one about it.

“Are you leaving?” Gina asked.

Still not sure I shrugged.

“Is it because of…” Lacy said while gesturing at my hips and breasts.

Sam nodded.

“Makes sense,” Lacy said and then immediately turned to me. “I don't— I mean—” Her eyes widened and her body tensed up.

We locked eyes for a moment. Then I nodded showing that I understood that she didn't mean any harm.

She seemed to relax.

I had to admit seeing her struggle was a little amusing but I couldn't bring my face to smile.

Gina put a hand on my leg. “I hope you stay.”

Lacy and Sam nodded.

Joy and Alyx joined us by sitting down next to Gina and Lacy.

It was weird sitting above them like that so I slid down the bed careful to avoid bumping Gina.

Sam must have felt the same way because she did the same as me.

We could all see eye to eye now which was pretty nice. Except for Sam of course. Gina was pretty short but only a few inches shorter than me.

I had to look up at most of my guy friends.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alyx asked.

I shook my head and then the girls turned to Joy.

Joy shrugged.

“You don—”

“At first I just thought it was funny or maybe a little weird,” Joy interrupted Sam. “Then Walker said something.”

I knew this had to be my fault somehow. “What did I say?” I asked.

“I asked him if all of us getting half-naked in front of him was a dream come true and he said that because he had the same parts it ruined it.”

“It was the binder too,” I added.

Joy glanced at me and then didn't skip a beat. “I didn't understand at first but after I saw him try to talk like us… and then after my mom and dad were fooled I started to understand what he meant.”

Joy turned and looked at me. “But when he actually wanted to try on my clothes and I saw you all dancing together… It was just too much.”

Everyone seemed to nod except for me.

“Why did you invite me over?” I asked.

Joy shrugged. “I thought it might be fun.”

“Did you eve— I mean if I looked more like a boy your mom probably would have kicked me out.”

Joy shifted her gaze to her hands.

I leaned against the bed. “I only came over because I thought your parents were gone for the weekend. I wouldn't have come if I knew it was a slumber party.”

It was quiet for a moment.

Alyx pointed at me. “He thought he was gettin some!” She screeched and fell to the ground giggling.

Joy’s head shot up her eyes wide and mouth agape.

Before I could see the other girls’ reactions I covered my face with my hands. Years of teasing from school and from my sisters had toughened my skin. But this somehow cracked my armor.

When I uncovered my face everyone was staring at me. “No! No more questions!” I yelled and covered my ears.

***