The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2367 by Angharad Copyright© 2014 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I like to think I’m not given to self pity, but then we all think it only happens to other people. I sat in my broom cupboard feeling like the world was ending in April. How could Daddy retire? He’s always been there, so why can’t he always be there? Because he’s old and wants to do something else with his life than run a busy department and cope with a house full of lunatics. Oh poo, do we need to think about moving to give him some time to himself?

I felt in limbo not knowing what to do, I couldn’t stop him retiring it’s a fait accompli and I have no right to. I just feel bereft, like I’d lost something or somebody important. Work wise I suppose I have. I sent Si a text, I wanted to talk to someone but I couldn’t; I couldn’t bear to talk to anyone, I’d just burst into tears. I felt that sad. All I’d tried to do in my academic career seemed irrelevant now, I felt like my career was over without Tom to look over me. I’d never have such freedom again, no one would be that indulgent—they couldn’t, not in today’s environment.

I decided I’d probably resign then as well, perhaps continue making films or I could even set up my own business doing ecological surveys. I couldn’t stay at home and play the aristocrat’s wife, not my scene at all despite a suspicion that Simon would like me to. I’m emancipated which means I choose my own destiny or something like that.

I was still contemplating my future when a student knocked on my door, “Yes,” I called out.

“Sorry to disturb you, Dr Watts.”

A very young looking boy stood there.

“Yes?”

“I was advised to come and see you.”

“About what?”

“It’s a personal matter, I’m afraid.”

“Personal to you or me?”

“It’s personal to me, Dr Watts.”

I sighed. “Are you on one of my courses?”

“Um, no.”

“Who told you to come and see me?”

“The vice principal.”

“You’d better come in and shut the door.”

“Thank you,” he blushed at me, sitting beside my desk in the only free chair in my room.

“Right, before you tell me anything, I need to establish some boundaries. I’ll listen to your issue but I won’t guarantee to act or advise you regarding it. If it’s something illegal or potentially harmful to you or anyone else I reserve the right to contact the appropriate authority. Those are my terms, do you accept them?”

“Yes,” he said nodding. He looked very nervous.

“Water?” I asked.

He nodded, “Please.” I handed him a bottle from the pack I’d bought earlier and took one myself. I waited while he composed himself and took off the jacket he was wearing. He was sweating through his shirt, but it was a fairly warm day and he was running on pure adrenalin.

“When you’re ready,” I gently prodded him.

“I was told to come and see you because you’ve helped people in my situation before.” His speech was rapid and it took a few moments to decipher what he’d actually said.

“Have I?” I asked laconically and he nodded. “And what situation is that?”

“This really difficult,” he said the sweat running down his face. I didn’t dare tell him it wasn’t just for him that that was true. If he didn’t believe me, he could always try it. Of course I knew what was coming. They only send them to me for one reason. When I leave they’ll have to find someone else to do their dirty work for them—sounds like April is already feeling easier.

He stuttered and stumbled and my patience felt like it was on a very short fuse and this guy had lit it as soon as he entered. What’s he waiting for? I glanced at my watch and he stood up, “I can see you’re busy, I’ll come back again.”

“Sit down,” I said assertively. He floundered and sat back in the chair. “What’s your name?”

“Carl. Carl Hawkins.”

“Okay, Carl, take a deep breath and tell me slowly, what’s troubling you.”

He nodded.

He took a huge breath and I felt sure he’d sucked all the oxygen out of the room. “I—uh—um. I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too—um.”

“Too private?” I prompted.

He nodded.

“Is it a health issue, like some illness you have or...”

He shook his head.

“Providing it’s nothing illegal or harmful to anyone else, you can tell me in confidence.”

“Th—th—thank you.” He sipped some more water and we waited.

I had exactly an hour before I had to collect my girls. I wanted him to spit it out so I could direct him to student health and be done with it. There are so many transgender sorts around Portsmouth these days I feel like an outsider or old fogey as they’re all younger than I am. So come on, kiddo, spit it out then you can get even more embarrassed and I can calm you down while making an appointment with student health.

“Which course are you doing?”

“Education, I’m training to be a teacher.”

Oops, not the best career if you’re tg and the Daily Wail still has outraged readers or should that be, the Daily Wail has outrageous readers?

“So what’s this issue that get a student teacher all het up? A shortage of chalk, perhaps?”

“We don’t use chalk anymore, it’s all white boards.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Of course you do; I’m sorry, Dr Watts.”

“Sorry for what?”

“Wasting your time.”

“That would only be so if you didn’t tell me after teasing me for half an hour.”

“I’m sorry.” He was almost in tears.

“You shouldn’t wear a bra with a white tee shirt, you know.” I offered trying to break the ice. He glowed so red I felt sure we could have started a fission reactor.

He stood up, “I’m sorry,” he said turning to the door.

“Carl or is it Carly, please sit down and let’s get this sorted.”

He didn’t so much sit as slump in the chair and began sobbing. I hate it when that happens. I sent Stella text to ask her or Jacquie to go and get the girls. He looked at me strangely. I explained what I was doing and again told him to sit.

“When did you know you were different?” I asked trying to draw him out a little.

“When I was about ten,” he wiped his eyes on the tissue I offered him.

“What would you like to do?”

“Be rid of this non being and either be an ordinary man or woman.”

“So if I had a pill that could make you an ordinary man, you’d take it?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

I fiddled in my bag and pulled out a paracetamol and placed it on the desk. “It just so happens I have one,” and indicated the white tablet lying on a paper on my desk. “As soon as you take it you’ll lose the desire for girlish things, so you’ll have to dump all the stuff you’ve collected over the years, including the books. You’ll never again want to wear lingerie or high heels or makeup or call yourself by a feminine name. Still want to take it?”