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by Angharad
I felt mortified, everything I’d believed about being discreet and proper was being undermined. I wasn’t at all sure I could do this, let alone wanted to do it. I wasn’t some bimbo pop star or wannabe, I was a serious researcher, a scientist looking to maintain that profile. I mean she’d practically suggested I do the filming in a swim suit. Stick my boobs out, hold my tummy in, waggle my arse about and speak in a seductive manner–if I did that in the street, I’d be done for soliciting. I was also engaged to Simon, would he want a future Lady Cameron to have such a reputation?
“You’ve gone very quiet, Cathy.”
“I was thinking.”
“About what?”
“About whether I abandon this project now or later.”
“Abandon it? Are you crazy?”
“No, I’m actually quite sane. This thing has driven me for weeks if not months. I’m sick and tired of it.”
“But it’s a winner, and what about your backers, they’re not going to be very pleased.”
“I’m not going to prostitute myself for anyone or anything.”
“You’ve lost me, you don’t have to sleep with anyone, so what’s this all about.”
“I’m not prepared to dress up like a street walker to make a stupid film. The film can go to hell. I’ve had it.” I felt the tears start and I felt stupid as well as weak.
“Cathy, you aren’t going to look like a street walker, it’s about selling your image as a sexy young woman.”
“I don’t want to be seen as a sexy woman.”
“What? Every young woman wants to be desired, wants to feel attractive.”
“Well I don’t.” I sniffed.
“What are you frightened of?”
“Who says I have to be frightened of anything?”
“But you are, aren’t you? Come on, you can tell your Auntie Erin.”
The tears were flowing and I was silently sobbing on her shoulder. How could I tell her I was terrified of being seen in such a light. That with the exception of Simon, I was scared of men. I’m not a sexual animal, well, not very. I love Simon, that’s why I can be intimate with him. I can see men as fanciable but to contemplate more than that, terrifies me. This is really why Des never got beyond first base–I was too frightened.
“Come on, Cathy, tell me so I can help you.”
“Please, can I go home now.”
“Of course you can. I’ll settle the bill and we can go.” Nothing was said in the car all the way to my house. When we got there she helped me in. I felt so stupid. I didn’t have the confidence or poise to do what she wanted me to do. Hell, I’d only been living as a woman for eighteen or so months. I’m not an actress, I’m a scientist but no one will listen to me.
I sat weeping in the kitchen while Erin boiled the kettle for a cuppa. She obviously wasn’t going until I either told her what the problem was or I agreed to do the film, or possibly both.
“Here,” she said handing me the mug of steaming fluid, “Now what’s the problem?”
“I don’t know how to do sexy, alright, you’ve dragged it out of me. I don’t bloody know. I’ve never done sexy, I’ve only been a woman for eighteen bloody months–how the bloody hell am I supposed to know how to do this like someone who’s been practising for twenty odd years?”
She sat there with her mouth wide open. “Oh you poor girl, I am so sorry.”
“I told you, I’m not a proper woman–now maybe you’ll believe me.”
“Of course, now I understand–we’ll just have to teach you, won’t we?”
“You just don’t get the message do you–I don’t want to frigging learn! I don’t want to be a femme fatale, I’m a friggin’ scientist. When I’m not doing that, I just want to be Mrs Simon Cameron, and look after the man I love. I don’t want to save the planet if I lose myself.” At this point I sobbed uncontrollably and she couldn’t talk or listen to me. Not that she listened to me anyway.
“This film is dead in the water then?”
“I don’t care, I just don’t care any more.”
“Do you want me to cancel Alan for tomorrow?”
“If you want, I really don’t care anymore.”
“I’ll speak to you tomorrow.” With that she left.
I took myself up to my bed and cried myself to sleep. Why did everyone want me to be someone other than me. My parents wanted me to be a boy, Tom wants me to be a dutiful daughter, Simon wants me to be a lady, and now this woman wants me to be a tart. Why can’t they just let me be me?
This would have been posted last night, but I couldn't get on the site.
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Comments
Very Poignant…
A very poignant episode, Ang, showing poor Cathy in a very fragile state emotionally. All these pressures can't be good for her, and I think Erin is beginning to show her true colours—a pushy businesswoman who thinks only of the "ching" of the cash register. Can't she understand that Cathy does not really want the limelight, except as a serious scientist.
Erin needs to be careful that she doesn't kill the goose that lays the golden egg.
Gabi
Gabi.
Cathy Is Still A Baby In Many Ways
She needs support, NOT some lawyer pushing her to do something she hates!! Lat Cathy dress in a scientist lab coat over jeans, a top and runners so she can bike around to varied sights.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Erin Just Has To Show Her
Erin just has to show her that she can still be a woman and be respectable. Her parents really did a number on her self image. Simon needs to take a break from his stupid bank and spend time with her too. The woman seriously needs a holiday in the worst way. She has been trying to keep everyone else going and at the same time, no one is really there for her. She really needs the support of Stella. She was cheated out of an opportunity to grow up a girl by her narrow minded parents and a society that tries to force people into neat little boxes. Now Cathy is suffering for it. I hope that someone can get through to her to look at the bigger picture. She might not be comfortable as a public figure, but she can use this to save wildlife. Like it or not, she is already out there in the public because of the YouTube video, the BBC interview and the posters splashed all over the place. Erin ought to come up with something like a girly boot camp where they can just take a few days and let Cathy experience some things that she missed out on by not getting to grow up as a little girl. She could just BE without the pressures of adulthood. Stella could be sprung from the hospital and join them. Another great Chapter Ang!
Hugs,
Jen
Different Kinds of Appeal
Ang, slip a little backbone into your character. You're pushing her too far to the mushy side.
Poor Cathy is stressing over this waaaaay too much. She should just tell Ms. Lovejoy to get stuffed, that she'll present her public image the way she (Cathy) wants, and if the public doesn't like it (which they will), then too damned bad.
A pretty face and a smile does the trick for me every time. I certainly don't need cleavage in a nature show. Ms. Lovejoy is way off base. One of the handful of successful liberal (in the American sense -- interpret as necessary for your locale) cable television news/opinion show hosts here is Rachel Maddow, who happens to be a moderately butch-acting lesbian. She manages to be appealing nonetheless, even with short hair, minimalistic makeup and zero attempt at winsomeness. It's all in the honest, forthright smile, her intelligence, and her wit.
Cathy needs to get over her reaction, get centered, and TELL Ms. Lovejoy that she's perfectly happy to do things her OWN way, thankyouverymuch, and have some confidence that that will be the BEST way. Because it will.
Doing her job
Erin is doing exactly what an agent does, promote her client. If Cathy doesn't like it, she needs to get out of the game. By defination, a sucessful agent has sucessful clients, and Erin is telling Cathy what it takes to be a sucessful client. Until Cathy has established herself as a "name" in nature films, she needs to do the things that will help sell the films. Nobody is asking her to sleep with anybody, just package herself in a manner favorable to the people who spend the money.
As for Rachel was-her-name, I've never heard of her, which suggests she isn't that big a sucess. On the other hand, think of Ann Coulter. You may hate her politics, but almost everybody has heard of her. And she uses her image to get places she wouldn't have otherwise. If Cathey can look like another Ann Coulter while presenting her educational material, then she have that much larger a market to present it to.
I Agree
I really don't see the necessity of Cathy tarting herself up in order to sell the piece. To wit, with the dormouse youtube video, she dressed nicely, with modest make-up, i.e., she presented herself as an ordinary woman, yet that video went over two million hits. Also, when she did the bit with the dormouse for the bank posters, she was presenting a similar image, and that seems to be becoming quite well known.
The way I see it, with the documentary, just the fact that she is the same person as in the dormouse video should be enough to give it a boost; with her being popular because of the video and the posters, just her being involved should grab people's interest. No need to tart up.
Well, she finally told someone...
These months of not talking things through came to a head, didn't they.
Sounds to me like the project is worthwhile. There are ways Cathy could compromise to do this. Compromise to some extent, in ways that do not compromise her ethics. Does she have to dress like a slut to look good? I suspect not. Does she have to talk like a seductress to raise interest. Again, I don't think so.
One thing that makes me believe this was a recent comment from my daughter (at the uni). One of her classes (Neuroscience) had a guest lecturer for a few days (Most of the department faculty teach a few classes in this overview course). My daughter's coments were: "She was AWESOME." "I've got to find classes she's teaching." "She's drop dead beautiful! Her Hair..." Well, you get the picture. An attractive female, looking nice, talking in a highly annimated manner on a subject she is passionate about. That's all it took to suck my daughter in (and she does prefer guys for sexual stuff)... So, positive outcomes can come from being natural, accepting one's attractiveness, and speaking excitedly and in an animated manner on a subject you are passionate about.
I acutally think Cathy COULD pull the thing off, if someone she respected were to explain it to her in such terms. I dunno if Erin could, at least not now. But, maybe she could find someone that Cathy could respect to talk to her... Theres's this nice welch lady I'm acquainted to that might understand where Cathy is, and be able to help. She also rides occasionally. She appears to know a bit about door mice, but also enjoys bird watching, so is not adverse to field work.
Thanks,
Annette
I think your nice Welsh lady
is the one who got her into all of this in the first place!
Angharad
Angharad
Could be...
... If she can get her into the problems, don't you think she could help get her out?
Annette
It is too bad that Cathy
It is too bad that Cathy doesn't have the support and true friends that Cara Malone had in "No Half Measures" with her agent "Jules" and Jules' sister. They were able to teach Cara about being a woman and a beautiful one at that. Perhaps the two of them could come into contact say like Cara being hired to do the background music for Cathy's film(s). J-Lynn
Compromise
Cathy need not do the low cut top thing. You want people to look at your face, ya know ?
She can play up her beauty in terms of hair, makeup and attitude.
Being bright, positive, enthusiastic and caring will go a long way towards communicating your message. As a host, your job IS to communicate.
Like it or not, people like to see attractive people. Men are very visual creatures as you well know but at the same time you do not want to alienate the female half of the population which would
think of her as a tart.
Just my 2p's worth.
Kim
Sad girl
It really plucks at your heartstrings. It seems like Cathy needs a hug, or at least a soft kitty to purr in her lap.
That which needed said...
has been said. Cathy does need that little push now and then though. My sense is she doesn't have her social structure everyone needs, and everyone expects her to handle it. When she blows up they are all going to look at the egg all over their faces, and blame her. But really, it isn't her fault.
Stella used to be tough as nails, but being the center of torture sessions will take the toughness out. Now Stella is the needful one, and poor Cathy is left with no one. Tom certainly isn't helping, I get the distinct feeling he is busy covering his butt.
Now we see why Cathy's uncomfortable
Quick Erin have Cathy watch any film with Lauren Bacall ! "just put your lips together, and blow "
OMG, that made Humphrey Bogart her slave !
Me too, and she was only 16yrs old !!
Cefin