As we drove back from the field trip, Stella looked tired but contented. We’d done quite a lot of walking. At one point I thought she was going to fall asleep but she was obviously thinking. “You know,” she began to expound on something I didn’t know, “it’s been quite a nice day–I’ve enjoyed it, and I’ve seen another persona.”

“Another persona?” I queried as I braked to let a Tesco lorry turn across in front of us.

“Yes, you know the Greeks and personae.”

“I know that modern psychology applies the term to different aspects of our personality.”

“Yes, that’s my usage too. I mean that I’ve seen, Cathy the teacher and Cathy the field worker, as well as Cathy the first aider when that woman twisted her foot.”

“I passed that on to our resident nurse, if you recall.”

“Lucky that someone had a spare bit of crepe bandage and I was able to strap it up.”

“Lucky for Cheryl, that we had both it and you.” I patted her on the leg.

“I can see why Des wanted you to do the dormouse film.”

“I was going to be involved anyway, our bank is funding it and I’m their ecological advisor.”

“I saw twenty people follow you around all day, hanging on every word you said.”

“More fool them,” I said dismissively.

“Why can’t you accept the compliment?”

"I don’t know, perhaps it sits uneasily with the way I was brought up, and the fact that I could never please my parents, or if I seemed pleased with myself; was brought back to earth with a bump about pride going before a fall.”

“That’s sad. It’s also untrue.”

“Are you accusing me of lying?” I felt myself getting hotter.

“No, Sis, not you, your parents. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in doing something or having done something.”

“No, I suppose not,” I admitted reluctantly.

“I don’t mean hubris, that’s very different.”

“You know I don’t like Greek food.”

“You silly cow, that’s humous.”

“I was close,” I protested as she slapped me on the arm.

“So you don’t believe people when they give you a compliment?”

“Not really.”

“So if I say you are a good teacher, you won’t believe me?”

“I suppose, I do the basics okay.”

“Basics? I had twenty people asking me if you were doing another one next year, or better still a set of evening classes. That’s basics is it? You have a fan club. Everyone you meet, you give something of yourself to. Most people fall in love with you in minutes. You are honest, generous and pleasing to look at, with so much charisma it’s untrue.”

“Oh come off it, Stella, you make me sound too good to be true, and this is after one day’s trip.”

“Ha ha, your defences are well prepared aren’t they. Well take ‘em down for a minute. I have known you woman and boy, don’t you forget that.”

“Woman and boy? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Usually I ‘d have said woman and girl or man and boy, but if you recall, I first met a skinny in betweeny, who has since blossomed into this beautiful woman.”

“It’s okay, Stella, you don’t have to say nice things about me; I will take you home rather than make you walk.”

“See, you can’t accept a compliment–what is wrong with you, girl?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I don’t equate being beautiful with being me. I’m a fake, how can I, an ersatz woman, be beautiful?”

“Because your inner beauty shines from within. There are models and actresses who would be considered more physically appealing than you…”

“God Stella, what an understatement…”

“No it isn’t and you didn’t let me finish. Like I said, there are more physically appealing women than you, but….let me finish; “ she intercepted my interruption, “None of them can hold a candle to you for inner beauty or presence. Tom was right when he said that you were special, you are.”

“Only because I’m your sister.”

“You’ve done it again.”

“Done what?”

“Laughed off a compliment, by being self deprecating.”

“ I just thought you were being a bit too precious.”

“So my opinion doesn’t count?”

“No, that isn’t what I mean.”

“Well just shut up and listen,” Stella asserted, “I know you really well, possibly better than you know yourself. I think you are a very beautiful woman, who is charming and …shut up, I haven’t finished. Is charming and generous and who has amazing people skills…”

“If that was true, how come I can’t shut you up…”

“Will you stop rubbishing yourself all the time?”

It was true, I couldn’t easily accept a compliment, loads of hang ups about self worth, or lack of it. I never had been able to, possibly because of my parent’s attitude or because I never had any self esteem to begin with, made worse because of my transsexualism. I wanted to be a girl/woman but knew I couldn’t be a real one, only a sort of sham copy.

“Can we stop discussing me now?” I said as we managed to move faster than dead slow.

“On one condition.”

“Which is?”

“You accept my right to see you as a beautiful female.”

“Okay, but it’s not my fault if you need glasses.”

“Catherine Watts, will you stop that this minute?”

“What did I do?” I asked perplexed by her scolding.

“Exactly what I told you not to do, accept my right to see you as you are, not your self image distortion.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just second nature.”

“Well stop it this instant and accept the accolades you so richly deserve.”

“Yes, boss.”

“Goodness, how much longer is this going to take?” she asked referring to the traffic congestion and our arrival at home time.

“It’s bad because it’s a Friday and all the tourists are on the move.”

“Oh no, don’t tell me we’re caught up in traffic full of lazy tourists.”

“Fraid so.”

“You lazy sods, get back to work!” She shouted out of the window, “No wonder we’re facing a recession – too damned lazy to work.