*Before…

I’m sort of thinking not because I’m not going to give Anika that satisfaction.
I have no idea yet as to what I’m going to do to get her back but it will happen.
And tomorrow unless I get a splitting headache or something that I really don’t feel like going to class I’ll be going. I want to see her eyes, her face when she gets that I know that this was her.
I want her to know that I’m stronger.
Alex carries my stuff and his to the car and he’s being really sweet and i kiss him as we put things in the back.
“I’m fine.”
He makes a face. “Yeah...well...I’ve only seen you hurt you...it’s altogether different when someone else hurts you...and I’d be venting and angry and stuff but you don’t need that…”
I snuggle with him against the car for a few minutes just enjoying him holding me. “You’re right. What I need is a coffee and then home with maybe some delivery and you can show me Monty Python.”
He opens the door for me. “That I can do, please allow me to seat you within my coconuts.”
“Your coconuts?”
“Yes all 325 of them.”
He’s smiling and just being weird all the way to getting me a Starbucks frappuccino.
Once we’re home I’m ordering us pizza for delivery and we’re watching Monty Python’s Search for The Holy Grail when I see them...and the stick horses...and the coconuts and laugh so hard with his car bit that frappachino comes out my nose.
He gets this light in his eyes when he sees me get it, like him actually being funny and not all Alex-intense-all-the-time. He’s helping me to clean up but he looks just...Alex doesn’t let himself be funny or goofy or happy that much.
It’s worth getting hurt today just for that.

*And Now…

Yeah I know that’s me being my weird semi fatalistic self but that’s still kinda who I am.

I’ve never had the chance to love a lot of people or even like and be friends with a bunch of people.

But for me, as messed up as I am it feels infinitely easier if I get hurt rather than them.

Right?

It just kinda makes sense.

I’m not good with seeing others hurting or messed up even as jaded as I am.

So yeah a whack on the head and a few staples and cuts even though it’s from some beyond petty rich kid bullshit is well worth it to see Alex let some of himself out of his own armor.

As jaded as I am there are parts of me honestly flying because he’s laughing.

And smiling.

It takes exactly zero effort to have fun with him and laugh and cuddle into him and even laugh on him like he’s a pillow.

Laugh like a crazy girl at the wizard called Tim.

And the Killer Rabbit.

And the knight guy who get like all cut to chunks and he’s still fighting.

“Tis but a scratch!” I’m howling laughing and it’s like hard to breathe and of course that kicks in the girl bladder so I have to go and pee.

I’m still laughing when I come back. “Does everyone know this movie?”

He’s laughing at me. “Mostly why?”

“Next time you get tackled you gotta say Tis but a scratch.”

And that makes him laugh all over again which makes him smile.

Something inside of me is ridiculously happy when Alex pulls me into his lap and wraps those strong arms around me and settles his chin over my shoulder as we watch the rest of the movie and then we bring up another film that he likes and thinks that I should watch.

“We so have to make a list.”

He nods. “There’s so much that I want to show you Hunter.”

“Well you’ve shown me a whole lot of stuff already that I didn’t know was real for someone like me.”

“Well you returned the favor on that.”

I laugh at him. “What I did things to you with my dangle?”

“No….but you showed me life wasn’t empty, that falling in love for real was something for real.”

He turns me around and he kisses me and I kiss him back and I get up and take the remote and turn off the TV. “It’s early let’s go to bed.”

“You’re tired?”

“No, not tired.”

Alex kisses me again and he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist and he carried me into our bedroom and we end up getting hotter and hotter as we kiss then strip off each others clothes and then we’re making love.

So many people will say that we’re to young for this stuff but we’ve been through so much and we’re young still too. I mean even if sometimes that stuff weighs like super heavy it’s just the best thing to be able to be able to do this, to be this close and more.

And I’m still really getting use to this. But it is as grounding for me as anything else in my life right now.

Me, him, Alex inside of me, making things feel more than just good but good and loved and that things for me are finally making sense.

And that’s really as important as this is amazing and passionate and fun.

I love, love the after time too when I’m exhausted in this perfect way for me.

Hunter, and connecting to the part of me that had been this freaky secret.

Seriously I think so much of the stuff with me that wasn’t Cliff and Mom fucking me up was this me being a guy that really was never a guy. Just kind of thrust on me and me not having a clue.

So loved, made love to, and that post sex exhaustion that is so defining to me of who I was supposed to have been all meets this deeper heartfelt sort of perfect that is Alex wrapping me up in his arms and holding me and spooning with me.

God I love that.

All that strength, his smell, his body heat.

I’ve been like super skinny all my life and so much of that was living in these cold damp apartments and in these old shitty houses that you see all over the place here in Detroit.

I think I will always feel like I can burrow into his warmth.

And I sleep.

I get real sleep too without dreams or nightmares that I can remember.

Which really makes the next day start better even is we’re both up at this ungodly hour of the morning so we can start the whole breakfast and the shakes and me doing that while he works out with the home gym stuff and he drags me out running with him.

I’m still bad at that.

Things still hurt and ache because I think all the crap I’ve lived through has done stuff like permanent damage to my joints or something and I’m still in the middle of that having quit smoking thing which is okay as far as cravings go somewhat. But after a couple of blocks running or my attempts at running I’m panting and exhausted and every once in a while I’m coughing up the crap that has been there for years.

Alex is good about all of that.

He gets it that this is me trying.

And he rewards my trying with us showering together and having shower fun time too like last night.

And it’s usually me.

I’ll be honest I’m just as much an instigator in having sex with him as he is and well there’s hot water and there’s soap and when I wash certain parts of him he gets as excited as I want him to get.

And honestly we have that post everything happy and rush as we do all the morning getting ready stuff and head for school.

So as usual we show up all post everything and fed with lunches packed and with our coffees as we show up to start the day hanging with our friends.

It starts though as soon as we’re there with Anika and her little bunch there trying to be popular and they brought doughnuts and they’re talking to all that whole like preppy crowd and offering munchie to whoever is passing by.

There’s some extra staff there too and they look like they’re keeping an eye on things just in case.

I don’t engage even though she’s going between looks that could kill and trying to avoid looking at me or acknowledging that I am even there.

I talk with everyone that I recognize and I talk about the clubs and things that I know a few of them are in or the teams.

What they want, what they want this year or for the next few years and what they might need.

I literally take out a spiral scribbler and I take notes right there in front of them.

And make a few plans, actual plans before the bell rings and we all have to head off to classes.

I still dig my classes.

I like learning and it is a whole different game when you’re not shivering or aching from being cold or being sick or starving.

Ten o’clock break and I’m with Alex and we’re eating with a few other people that we had to go and find with the mathletes club and spitballing with them.

They’re definitely the hard core geek squad types and at the same time I learn some about the whole deal.

So I talk with some of them and I use my smartphone and I shoots a video.

It’s just. “High I’m Hunter Williams and some of you might know me from my bid for homecoming queen and court. I’m here right now with our schools mathlete’s club and I never had this kind of thing in the schools that I used to go to. What’s even cooler is that these guys just won the qualifier for the school district finals which mean that we win there we will go to the city finals.”

“I know some folks don’t think this stuff is cool but seriously it’s pretty damned cool. Math leads into engineers guys and this is Detroit. Motor city and all that stuff, that’s math.”

“And what else is like math? Tunes, music.”

Alex chimes in with. “Plays, all that game data, all the yardage and wins and all that serious stuff we do it’s all math.”

Then he looks at Grover...yeah seriously the mathlete’s like senior student and president is named Grover. And he asks. “You guys think that some of you might be able to put some of that serious math skills to use for the school teams?”

Which is actually a lead in as we talked about this before and Grover says. “We have been, there’s been some of us in the club helping out with stats for things in the school teams since before I was around.”

Alex looks at me and at my phone. “So are we returning the favor?”

Grover smiled. “Well kind of looks like that now.”

We finish it and we upload it to the schools Facebook page and the to the mathletes Facebook group page and Grover gets all of their dates posted into the main feed and to the event notes.

All of that went over like really big with the kids there and Alex and I had all of our friends have the ball rolling with us liking or loving or wowing the posts for both of the the spaces and then we share all of that too with notes to boost or to bump the posts.

The ball was already rolling by the time that we shut off our phones.

By lunch it’s already doing super well and our tables actually have some of the Drama kids there with us and some of the A/V club there as well.

Anika and her friends are shooting us pissed off looks.

Even Jenn and Cindy are sitting with us all and we’re spitballing things.

Like big time and with everyone not just the popular kids.

Cindy though.

She has this smile when she seen anika and her bunch looking our way and looking pissed and she passes me this box of staples.

I look at her. “They’re M&M’s just make sure she sees the box as you eat them.”

I hug her. “Oh, oh you are a crafty woman. Have I said how much I like you?”

Jenn looks at me. “Hey, you have Alex you can’t have Cindy too.”

We all laugh and Alex actually films me with his phone opening the box of staples and me tipping it back and eating them.

I do a happy really big snarky mouth closed and eating smile.

And Alex posts it up.

And someone’s seen me doing this and they pointed it out to Anika.

She gives me this a little freaked look and it shifts to this hard stare and I meet it in this across the cafeteria show down and I toast her with the box of staples and I have some more.

And look right at her and chew.