Previously...

Petra looked at me; she had a sort of frown on her face.
‘Is something wrong?’

‘I don’t know. I couldn’t help hearing you talk to Miss Morris while I was waiting outside the form room; it wasn’t very clear, but I think she said you aren’t a girl, but a boy called Mark…what’s going on?’
And now, on with the story...

I looked at her in horror and did the only thing I could think of — I ran away.

I ran as fast as my feet could take me. I was crying; knowing that my secret was out and that I would be taken away from my friends and my new school. Where would I be put? I was a freak. I liked being a girl and I would be made to wear boys’ clothes again and be sent away to somewhere far away from where my parents were...

I came to a fence and couldn’t run any further. Sinking to my knees, I put my hands over my face and my body was wracked with sobs.

I vaguely heard someone come up and then put their arms around me. I continued to cry; I was confused, hurt, angry and sad; all at once. Through my sobs, I could hear the person talking to me.

‘Shhh, It’s all right, don’t worry; please don’t cry!’

I gradually ran out of tears and my sobs began to lessen. I took my hands away from my face and through the tears, I realised that it was Petra holding on to me; she was crying herself and I couldn’t understand why.

She was talking to me again.

‘Don’t worry, it’s not bad, I promise; please don’t cry, I won’t hurt you, I promise.’

I moved away from her and through my grief, I could see that she was as upset as me.

‘You…you know. Abbbbout meee…’

‘Yes; I do now; please let me tell you…’

‘You…hate me.’

‘No I don’t. I please stop crying and let me tell you!’

I took some deep shuddering breaths. I didn’t realise until now how important my new friends and life had now become to me. I knew that I had begun to like being a girl and the thought of being a boy again upset me more than I could ever imagine, but the loss of my friends… no, not only friends, but new family, meant more than I could ever put into words. Yes I was still a child, but a child that had been through things that many adults had never had to go through. All these thoughts went through my mind in a flash as I looked at Petra and her tear streaked face.

‘I…I don’t understand!’

Petra looked at me and smiled.

‘Here, have my hankie.’

She passed me a small lacy handkerchief and I wiped my eyes. She was still smiling at me. Perhaps she won’t give me away?

‘Feeling better?’

‘Y…yes thanks.’

She sat back against the fence and wiped her face on her sleeve, not very ladylike, but effective.

‘Want you hankie back?’ I said.

‘No that’s all right.’

She looked at me with a strange smile on her face.

‘I’m sorry I frightened you Stephanie.’

‘I thought that you were going to tell on me.’

‘Why would I do that?’

‘Because I’m a freak.’

‘You’re no freak.’

‘I am, I’m a boy dressed up like a girl and I want to be a girl. That’s a freak.’

She looked at me sadly.

‘In that case, I’m a freak too.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I wondered why Miss Morris wanted me to look after you; now I know.’

‘Know what?’

‘Why she wanted me to help you. I’m like you.’

‘Like me!’

‘Yes; I was born a boy. My birth name was Peter.’

My eyes opened wide and I gasped as I realised what she was saying to me. No way was she a boy. She was pretty, had lovely long blond hair, her eyes were big…she just screamed girl!

‘No, you can’t be a boy!’

‘I’m not… I’m a girl. I have known since I was seven years old. My mum and dad knew too. That’s why I was sent here. Not much is known about kids like us. Evidently, there are lots of children who have a problem with who they are and there aren’t many schools around that will accept gender problem kids; it’s often brushed under the carpet and not considered a valid problem. I had several interviews with psychiatrists, not all of them accepting, and one of them, who was more helpful, knew the head mistress; she spoke to her about me and I was accepted as a student. None of the kids know about me, but all of the teachers do. That must be why Miss Morris asked me to help you.’

‘So, I’m not a freak?’

‘I don’t think so, because if you are, so am I.’

We talked for ages. She told me about how hard it was for her to be accepted originally by her parents and the love and support they gave her after they finally realised that their son was in fact their daughter.

Petra, told me about the doctors appointment she had with her G.P. where the doctor actually laughed at her and told her that she would ‘grow out of it.’ The first psychiatrist that she saw said that what she had was a sort of sickness and wanted to send her away for treatment. There were obstacles all the way from a medical community that didn’t seem to want to listen.

Her parents were made of sterner stuff and eventually found someone, a psychiatrist, who knew about children like her and was supportive and helpful. That was how she ended up at this school.

‘My God,’ said Petra,’ you would have thought, now that Neil Armstrong had walked on the moon and all the things that happened in the sixties, that people would be tolerant of us. It’s a good thing that we have this school! Anyway, how long have you known that you are a girl?’

I explained how my parents had died and the fact that I was put in the girls’ home as a temporary measure and the fact that I realised that I was a girl very early on in the deception.

‘It was a bit like a jigsaw puzzle. I was always a gentle kid and hated the rough and tumble of boys’ games. I preferred the company of girls. I was always what some of the boys called a cry baby and I never fitted in. I was bright and had to hide that in case I was bullied. When I started wearing girls’ clothes, I felt that it was right. It wasn’t only the clothes though; I fitted in with the other girls at the home. I would hate to leave my new friends and I think that they all like me too. The Head said that I have to speak to a psychiatrist to stay here and I hope that he or she understands about me…So, as I say, it’s like a jigsaw puzzle that I fit into, as a girl, not a boy, Oh, I’m not good at saying what I mean!’

She took hold of my hand.

‘I know what you’re saying and your secret’s safe with me; us girls have to stick together!’

We both giggled at that! Soon, we headed towards the girls toilets to freshen up and wash the tears away from our faces.

The other kids were still in classes, so the corridors were empty. After cleaning ourselves up, Petra showed me more of the school. I kept looking at her, trying to see signs of a boy there, but there wasn’t. She was as much of a girl as the others in the school.

‘Petra,’ I said as we walked across the playing fields.

‘Yes?’

Do, erm do I look like a girl?’

She stopped and looked me up and down.

‘Hmm…Lot’s of muscles, hair on your arms and legs, mustache and beard…no, you look like a brick layer.’

‘PETRA!’

She giggled and ran off down the hill, with me following after.

She ran out of breath, eventually…I was a stronger runner than her and after catching her, we landed in a heap by a huge old oak tree, giggling like mad.

After catching her breath, she looked at me lying on my back, looking up at the branches waving in the gentle breeze.

‘Stephanie,’

‘Yes?’

‘You look every inch a girl to me. I’m glad you’re here too. I hope we can be friends.’

I rolled over and looked at her. She seemed genuine and I needed all the friends I could get.

‘So do I.’

She was going to speak, but hesitated.

‘What?’

She looked uncomfortable.

‘Steph...Stephanie.’

‘Hmm?’

‘Will, will you come home to tea with me sometime?’

‘Me, why?’

‘It’s just…well do you mind if I tell my mum and dad about you?’

‘No…I’d get into trouble.’

‘You won’t, I promise. If…if you come to tea, an…and I tell them about you, they might be able to help you adjust…they know a lot about what we’ve been through.’

I looked at her, realising that perhaps they might be able to help me somehow…Oh I knew that Matron and the Head were trying to help and that was lovely, but Petra’s parents had been through it all with Petra and maybe, they could help me too?

I just nodded and Petra squealed and gave me a big hug. I just hoped that I wasn’t getting out of the frying pan and into the fire.

To be continued...

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